Had a rare quiet moment alone and for some reason thought back to my second grade in school. Memorable for many reasons, not all great, but memorable. Of course it was second grade, my teachers' name was Mrs. Two, and I guess I was 8 years old. I thought for a moment that Mrs. Two must be quite old by now if she is even still alive. I am 48 so she would be at least 70. My mother would be 71 on April 1st and she is gone so......Back to the point. I don't remember all the details but I do remember my step dad coming into my room late one night when he thought everyone was asleep. Then my mom called out for him, he tried to make some excuse, but barely believable that you were bringing someone a drink without a glass of water in your hand. We occasionally heard them fight, but I didn't know until a few years ago that he had hit my mom. I don't if it was that night but it was around the same time. I always remembered Mrs. Two taking us to her house after taking us; sorry "us" would be my younger sister Wendi; to her house after taking us to the movies. I guess I can't remember the movie because I was too nervous. My mom rarely left us anywhere except with the neighbor who babysat everyones kids. When she finally picked us up she had moved us and pretty much all of our stuff to an an apartment a few blocks from where our house had been.
My thoughts today, and for many days since age 8, were how much love and respect I had for my mother. How brave she was. How scared she must have been. I knew she had no knowledge of what my step dad was doing, and I just believed she left him to save me. I only wish she could have known that when I told her, at age 22, what had really been going on. I wish she could have told me that he had been beating her and that (so my aunt told me) she hid a black eye from us for weeks.
I have had an interesting life, always seeming to have something happen to me, learning from it as opposed to being devastated or damaged. I am aware that I always seem to have an example of what could have become of me or how it could have been worse and finding the way to understand I couldn't have done anything to avoid the disaster and know it wasn't my fault. The biggest blessing, I think I learned from my mom, was to try and help someone else avoid the same or help them overcome when they endured the same. It is a big part of the healing process. The hardest part is knowing, by mom's advice, that there is always someone worse off than I am. There is no comfort in that, only the strength to get over what was happening to me and try to help someone else.
Today my thoughts started with wondering where Ms. Two was today. Not sure I could find her on facebook or otherwise without her first name. Or that she would even remember the two little faces of the children she helped save. Just wanting to thank her now. It cannot be easy to be a teacher period. But to go the extra mile and take us for a while and risk being involved in the whole mess was definitely above and beyond. Must have inspired my early appreciation for teachers and their ability to care for so many little bodies and minds for even a few hours a day.
After a lengthy pause so many questions come to mind, and thoughts. What inspired me to come here to write this? in this moment? The house is never quiet for more than a minute. I am constantly interrupted and always feeling the need to write something, but never finding the quiet time, until now. I often have inspirational or enlightening things to say to other people or for other people. I get nervous when the thoughts or feelings seem to be from somewhere for me. Afraid something is going to go wrong with one of my children or friends. Afraid I am calm and clear headed as disaster is about to strike. I can only hope not.
I hope if you are reading this that something I have said has somehow helped or inspired or spoken to you. I hope nothing bad lies in waiting for any of us but my hoping that has never stopped anything from going wrong, that I know of anyway.
My deep need to save the world, my hope that life WILL someday be fair, and the want to keep my Facebook friends from removing me have finally pushed me here.....to try to turn it all into something useful or understandable, or that will make a difference for someone.
