Well, I May Have Found the Starting Point I've Been Needing......

Day off of work.  Went to pick up lunch with my husband while the kids are at school.  I was carrying in some of the groceries, then proceeded to sit at my desk to eat and get settled.  He had approximately six 12 packs of soda to carry which is nothing really he usually carries three to four at a time anyway.  I hear all kinds of ruckus from the front of the house. General grumbling and bitching.  I yelled out "what's wrong?"  Then more grumbling.  I finally came out to the kitchen and apologized saying "next time you want me to help just say so, I assumed you had it and for once just wanted for you to handle it and I could accept it".  By the time I got back to my desk I was crying just a little but with a heavy heart.

He asked if I was crying, I said no and just sat til we finished eating.  Now he is taking a nap. Of course snoring loud enough that putting my thoughts on paper will surely be interrupted but I am working on fighting through the distractions.

Going to try to use my "epiphany" in the kitchen just now to try and form a foundation for all of this.  Being as OCD as I am it isn't easy.  Hell just putting a blog together was not easy.  All the months of testing sights, finding quiet time and the worst curse is the attention to detail to a scary almost crippling point.  I started this blog month ago and still can't stop fussing with the color and font style.

Anyway.  Here goes.

THE EPIPHANY
After the above incident I sat down and for a moment felt sorry for myself.  I had a moment of realization more clearly than all of the past.  That although I spent most of my life being "ok" and finding someway to see the good in things or finding someone to be happy for or to help kept me from truly being ruined.

THE HISTORY
My bio father left after my sister was born.  I was 2 she was barely 1.  My dad, I am told, didn't want more children.  He left on Christmas, we lived in CA, and he and his girlfriend showed up on his motorcycle to tell my mom he wouldn't be back.  We had to move back to Quincy, WA to be near my moms parents and grandpa sold real estate so we would have a house.

and late to pick up kids from school.  Was writing and engrossed in Criminal Minds.  My guilty pleasure.  More soon

And I'm back!  This never happens.  A free quiet moment twice in one day!  so back to.....was going to say "guessing you've noticed the attempt at a format here.  trying to put some easily followable flow to this".  Then just as suddenly a child appears in my doorway asking for help with homework she hasn't even looked at.  Guess instead of a continuation to ..........

THE HISTORY......

I will jump in to

THE PRESENT
I have been a train wreck.  At age 46 it may be a mid life crisis, although I am sure I am more than midway thru mine (I hope), not sure.  I have been at home with 3 of my 4 daughters since they were born, for the most part, I went to school for a semester and a half and otherwise been inside with them.  Their dad has worked out of town and/or odd hours most of their lives and I don't have anyone around really.

Trying to "protect" them from the weirdos, molesters and murderers of the world is for sure a thankless job.  If I tell them how much love was put into being home with them and how much sacrifice it is financially then I might as well not have done it.  If they are anything like me hearing about it all would be just as bad as having hi happen and that would defeat some of the purpose anyway.

I have inadvertently created monsters though.  They fight constantly.  They are good for other people but not us.  We have accidentally .......................

THE INTERRUPTION---That wonderful realization that all of my well thought out ideas, memories, revelations and whatever else are shot.  Gone.  Never to see the light of day.  Most likely, but hopefully not, leaving me to start again tomorrow.  With less hope, more flighty thoughts and no purpose for my life once again.  I have worked, it seems, most of my life to be generally happy or at least not angry.  They have me out numbered and never stop being loud and at each others' throats.  I hate it.  It makes me wonder if I should have just dumped them at some smelly daycare, fought with Tony constantly and always been on my phone shooing them off with one hand and ignoring them. At least then they might have bonded with each other and love each other so I could enjoy the sounds of loving kids.  Yeah I know seems crazy right?

OMG I Need Direction. This Gift is Going to Be a Curse Until I Can Learn to Make it Work.

I have been trying for days to get on here and put something on paper.  Finally rec'd my Dragon Software in the mail.  Trying to accomplish something with 4 loud girls and an annoying father to them is quite a chore.

Supposed to be logging into work.  Still wrapped in a towel, ear wet and not even halfway logged in.  Called the husband to see if they were on their way back from the park and McDonald's.  They are dropping off our oldest and her house (paternal grandparents, ich) and almost here.  Needed them to come back as the 150lb guard dog is at my feet snoring and very needy.  Start crying for no apparent reason.  

Years ago I would have called it bipolar, went to counseling and taken a pill or ten.  Today I choose the harder, higher road, to believe that it is (while in part my life) something going on with someone out there who needs something.  Just writing this is taking me out of my own mind for a moment as I get sleepy-ish and let my fingers write without my brain engaged, and think it is a higher power they don't have.  Maybe they don't trust, or maybe they don't know how He works, like me. 

Have to log into work now, as we need the money and for now I need the distraction as being as OCD as I am and how my family operates I would just waste time and be a mess.

"It Would Be Great If They Made Dragon Software That Connected To Your Brain. We'd Save A Lot Of Time"

Yet another famous quote from my life.  That was my husband.  That was also how I felt yesterday driving home from dropping off the kids.  There is just not enough time and resources to put all that I think, better yet all that I feel onto something readable.

Yesterday was my friend Julie's' (passed away on Christmas) husbands' birthday and my husbands' sister Natalie's (funeral was on Saturday) birthday.  I hadn't connected the two until yesterday.  I had been trying to plan the party of the century for this coming Saturday for so many reasons.  One, because growing up I was just about the only person who didn't destroy my mom's house having them.  Two, for Dave, since Julie isn't here and she was pretty "larger than life" and would have done something exciting.  Three, for my husband, to take his mind off of his sister (if that is possible).  Four, for me, I need people close to me.   Close enough to hug and laugh and see their faces.  Five, mid life crisis, needed to do something that didn't scream "46, old, over the hill".  Six, for everyone else who has lost someone lately or ever and get them all together to have a little fun, blow off some steam.  I guess it just wasn't meant to be. 

The rest of the day was spent on here cleaning up files.  Still wondering about the guy in the van that seems to be watching our house.  Jennifer called (my friend from grade school) I had told her I was thinking of her the other day.  Was nice to know she needed it as she had been to the doctors for her disability.  She had been on my mind many times over the years but could never find her.  Thankfully for facebook she eventually found me.  Turns out over the time we were apart she went thru hell.  Some similar to mine.  More medical.  It is nice to have someone to talk to about my "sixth sense" like it's a regular part of the conversation.

So now of course it is tomorrow.  Had stopped to ask Julie's husband about posting a picture of her or them here.  Possibly to give this thing life.  I couldn't possibly begin to verbalize a description of her that would do her justice.  No response from him.

Had a ton of thoughts in my head on the way to pick up my kids from school, but by the time I get home, of course they are gone. Hence the need for brain hook up to stenographer equipment. 

"Everything That Has Happened in Your Life Up to Now Has Lead You to Today...."

Was the message that ran through my head over and over as I drove to my old friends' new house that I had never been to before she passed away.  On Wed. February 25, 2015 at approximately 1:00pm.  It was about a 45 minute drive to Surprise so the message was a bit labored by the time I arrived.  I had been planning to meet with her husband since she passed away on Christmas.  Trying to zero in on whatever abilities I might have with talking to those who have passed or delivering messages for them.

Going to have to come back to that later.  Remembered to come here and write, which I need to do more consistently if anything is ever going to make sense or be improved upon.

I was writing an email to a lady that called into my work to renew her AAA and ended in my asking her about looking into my dad's murder case.  That was on Saturday February 28, 2015.  The same day funeral services were held for Tony's sister Natalie.

Insert impromptu 2 hour cat nap here.  

See, that was short lived, dozed off right at my desk.. Almost made the kids late for school. Luckily Monday is their grandpas' day to pick them up and they move rather quickly for him.