Well, I May Have Found the Starting Point I've Been Needing......

Day off of work.  Went to pick up lunch with my husband while the kids are at school.  I was carrying in some of the groceries, then proceeded to sit at my desk to eat and get settled.  He had approximately six 12 packs of soda to carry which is nothing really he usually carries three to four at a time anyway.  I hear all kinds of ruckus from the front of the house. General grumbling and bitching.  I yelled out "what's wrong?"  Then more grumbling.  I finally came out to the kitchen and apologized saying "next time you want me to help just say so, I assumed you had it and for once just wanted for you to handle it and I could accept it".  By the time I got back to my desk I was crying just a little but with a heavy heart.

He asked if I was crying, I said no and just sat til we finished eating.  Now he is taking a nap. Of course snoring loud enough that putting my thoughts on paper will surely be interrupted but I am working on fighting through the distractions.

Going to try to use my "epiphany" in the kitchen just now to try and form a foundation for all of this.  Being as OCD as I am it isn't easy.  Hell just putting a blog together was not easy.  All the months of testing sights, finding quiet time and the worst curse is the attention to detail to a scary almost crippling point.  I started this blog month ago and still can't stop fussing with the color and font style.

Anyway.  Here goes.

THE EPIPHANY
After the above incident I sat down and for a moment felt sorry for myself.  I had a moment of realization more clearly than all of the past.  That although I spent most of my life being "ok" and finding someway to see the good in things or finding someone to be happy for or to help kept me from truly being ruined.

THE HISTORY
My bio father left after my sister was born.  I was 2 she was barely 1.  My dad, I am told, didn't want more children.  He left on Christmas, we lived in CA, and he and his girlfriend showed up on his motorcycle to tell my mom he wouldn't be back.  We had to move back to Quincy, WA to be near my moms parents and grandpa sold real estate so we would have a house.

and late to pick up kids from school.  Was writing and engrossed in Criminal Minds.  My guilty pleasure.  More soon

And I'm back!  This never happens.  A free quiet moment twice in one day!  so back to.....was going to say "guessing you've noticed the attempt at a format here.  trying to put some easily followable flow to this".  Then just as suddenly a child appears in my doorway asking for help with homework she hasn't even looked at.  Guess instead of a continuation to ..........

THE HISTORY......

I will jump in to

THE PRESENT
I have been a train wreck.  At age 46 it may be a mid life crisis, although I am sure I am more than midway thru mine (I hope), not sure.  I have been at home with 3 of my 4 daughters since they were born, for the most part, I went to school for a semester and a half and otherwise been inside with them.  Their dad has worked out of town and/or odd hours most of their lives and I don't have anyone around really.

Trying to "protect" them from the weirdos, molesters and murderers of the world is for sure a thankless job.  If I tell them how much love was put into being home with them and how much sacrifice it is financially then I might as well not have done it.  If they are anything like me hearing about it all would be just as bad as having hi happen and that would defeat some of the purpose anyway.

I have inadvertently created monsters though.  They fight constantly.  They are good for other people but not us.  We have accidentally .......................

THE INTERRUPTION---That wonderful realization that all of my well thought out ideas, memories, revelations and whatever else are shot.  Gone.  Never to see the light of day.  Most likely, but hopefully not, leaving me to start again tomorrow.  With less hope, more flighty thoughts and no purpose for my life once again.  I have worked, it seems, most of my life to be generally happy or at least not angry.  They have me out numbered and never stop being loud and at each others' throats.  I hate it.  It makes me wonder if I should have just dumped them at some smelly daycare, fought with Tony constantly and always been on my phone shooing them off with one hand and ignoring them. At least then they might have bonded with each other and love each other so I could enjoy the sounds of loving kids.  Yeah I know seems crazy right?