To Blog or Not to Blog? That is the Question....

     Just posted on facebook.  As it started turning into a run-on paragraph I stopped, cut it off at a decent sounding end, and came here.  A good friend once told me I should try writing "something" as what I wrote "spoke to her" and she thought it might do the same for others.  I have been told the things I write are (pausing to recall the correct wording)...prophetic comes to mind, but that is my take on things and that always requires me to write it, live it, then explain it to someone else.  Nothing so far the is prophetic to someone else...(pausing again as something reminds me...) ok twice, three times it has been for someone else.  Once on the phone, and they never realized what had transpired or my part in it.  Second time in writing and that couple is still married, happily I believe, and living productive lives.  Third was over the phone.  Julie was very well aware that the message that came through me for her brought her to her husband.  Helped her make the adjustment from a very self sufficient, yet unpleasant life, to being able to be a wife and trust someone to "take care of her" and let her guard down enough to be party to a loving relationship.  Sadly she is not here to help me further realize my gift like we thought she was meant to.  So I still question the reason behind my prophetic "messages", where they come from and if the motive of the message.  I only know when I write, like I am now, that I rarely think it through (may seem obvious to some, but realize others will just think I failed English 101 or refuse to proofread), and just let the words flow through me and my fingers.

     Laughing now.  Realizing I haven't even pasted the cutout from Facebook yet.  The exact reason I started this blog.  I probably would have gone on to write all of the above on facebook and frankly  acknowledge that, to most, I don't have much to say.  For the better part of my life all of this infinite wisdom was shared with close friends in a drunken haze and then we just kept living.  Most of just coming out as crazy, over emotional, ramblings of a cared more, thought more and felt more than most humans are willing or able to endure.  

Whether it matters to anyone else today or not I am proud to be the person who will fight for what is right, do the right thing no matter unpopular it seems at the time and will not rest until I straighten out the rest of the mess and hold some people accountable. The rest of the time I will be trying to raise four girls with the same attitude and moral fiber, which is not going to be easy as I am learning it is not hereditary and how hard a fight it can be for some, as I can attest to the fact that they just come into this world....

with a set of issues, an attitude and a way of doing things that wasn't learned anywhere in this life as they are too small to have picked it up anywhere (no matter how controlled their environment).  That is a whole other psychology class/lesson.

That was the end of the post with the final thought (laughing at the prospect of me ever actually ending a thought, or a sentence, for that matter).  The original post was 

 3/20/2016 9:20am:  woke up this morning to the sound of all 4 girls getting ready for church. Dropped off Tawni's dog at grandma and grandpa's and took them to church. Cried the whole way home, 1 stop off at a yard sale for an antique bunk bed that looked like the one my dad's mom had given me when I was little, now finishing my good cry. Oh yeah and i have 2 calves that are the same normal size! I am nowhere near back to "normal" but I am so very grateful for all of you and all of your "experience, strength and hope" that held me together when I thought my life would never be livable again. I was upset yesterday when everyone was acting up and stressing Tawni out. That beautiful child came in and hugged me and said "momma you didn't lose me, if you had I wouldn't be standing here hugging you right now". That made it all almost bearable. Finally told my husband how glad I was that he has decided to be a better man over the years but how very angry I have been at him for failing us back then and making the journey twice as hard for me.

Need to find a way to make it all "flow".  I am probably barely healthy enough to live long enough to make the blog "work for me" much less to write some autobiography, but feel the need to leave something for my children that will hopefully help them understand any number of things they may experience in life that need explaining or at least let them know that their mother may have not cured cancer or solved world hunger or peace, but she sure tried.  

So much more to say, but know that there aren't enough hours in one day to say it all, and will just hope for today that one day I will be able to write until I am blank and void of all thoughts and feelings instead of the sound of my husband snoring blocking all of it and leaving me annoyed.