With Age Comes Wisdom. Or More Questions......

It's my middle of the week day off.  Generally all mapped out to do great things, complete tasks, or some half baked plan to run amuck.   Not today.  No big plans.  Then the house clears, I clear my head, and start to whittle away at all the big things on my plate.  Someday I will find a way to explain it all.  Either in the spirit of helping some other soul being tortured or for my kids.  They certainly don't need to know all of the gory details of my life and pity isn't ever what I am trying to inspire in anyone.

So, lately, I have been able to sit quietly and take the "mess of the day" and turn it into some deep question for others to ponder (hopefully) and possibly comment back with their insight or opinions.  Always having more than one desired result that is acceptable makes feeling useless dissipate, so I figure I will at least be able to conquer a problem through "self talk", and finally I hope to at least describe to someone I love how much thought, love, effort and work I put into solving any issue and leaving someone else unscathed.

Laughing at myself now, realizing this will probably sound like 1/2 insane gibberish, but still hopeful that if you know me it will make sense.  If you don't know me, that this will make sense in the end, or at least make for an interesting read.

Tasks for the day include getting my information to Texas Probate court so my in laws will not get away with keeping me from my mother as she died, taking what inheritance was left to me and my children and lastly making them sorry they tried to make me believe she wrote me out of her last wishes.  Second battle, custody and care of my oldest child, and if it works out calling CPS out on their tactics and drawing attention to their enabling the abuse and literal court assisted kidnapping.  Third is clearing up and understanding all there is to know about health insurance.  One big issue that closed yesterday was my FMLA  (family and medical leave).  It was approved finally and I no longer risk losing my job for absences.  Seems I was also grouped in with some people who were abusing the process.  Only difference is that I was not abusing it and someone took the liberty of lying when their opinion was that I had been and just hadn't been caught.

Motto of the day "always live like someone is watching", oops there are two "doesn't matter, my story is the same, no matter who I am talking to".  Would be nice to add "cheaters (and liars) never prosper" as opposed to the age old "nobody said life would be fair".

Now off to clean my desk and make some progress.  Also find those Metallica tickets my husband claims would be lost if he gave them to me.  They are in here somewhere.  Nothing worse than him being able to claim he's the responsible one in the bunch, that is my title and I will regain the crown soon even with no one in particular to answer to.  They are all gone, luckily I always liked being held accountable as it kept me out of prison and good graces with wonderful people.  Beats being alone.

Laughing at me again.  The title was my original reason for being inspired to write.  I stopped to think, the other day sitting after my visit to the Family Services Office, about worst nightmares.  You know those things you think about, see others going through, watch on the news, that make you say out loud as a child "that's my worst nightmare, I could not imagine that happening to me, I would die if it ever.....".  I was living probably the final one and way too calm.  Was I in shock?  Was I just crazy and couldn't react to the very serious situation?  Was I in denial?  In the car with my friend Robbie who was awesome enough to go with me for support, I felt stronger, more determined.  I think even she half expected me to do something crazier.  So today, a week later, sitting in the bathroom (where I do most of my talking to God or the Mother Ship or whomever is out there seeming to guide us) that maybe all of my life the things that came to mind as worst nightmares were the things I was predetermined some how to being prepared to endure.  Maybe not so much a sentence for some crime committed, although while writing the thought does enter my mind, possibly a set of choices made would inevitably land me dealing with something??  Or maybe it was just my purpose.  More questions now start to enter my mind and I have to get to work on the issues at hand.  I have a knack for writing and just letting the words form without thinking them through and occasionally that is when "the message" comes to light, for me, or someone else.

Laughing at me again (keeps others from doing it first) and how crazy this all must sound.  Probably the reason I started putting it down "on paper" as the things I see and do, the connections to the oddest of things, the "signs" I see around me that seem to guide me (when they used to make me nervous or cause some paranoia) are too cool to just let go.  I am hopeful in my heart that I may be able to teach my children early on to follow those signs and spare themselves some grief and wasted energy and help them be happy, well adjusted blessings in this life and who knows maybe change the world.  It is much better than believing that the feeling they each had a great purpose for being here was just a lie to convince me to carry them all to term despite the obvious things I was lacking and fear I would sentence them to a life of horror and neglect.

If nothing else this just reminded me that my mother once told me that I cared for a set of puppies with more love and attention than some people cared for their children and that there was no way anything could suffer if it was loved by me as I wouldn't let it.  Gawd I miss her.