No fancy fonts today. No proofreading or rehashing and rethinking. Just me trying to move up in life through the mostly financial issues that go on. Yes there are medical issues and personal problems to deal with but as I sit today and think most things that plague me could be solved or at least come to terms with if a bag of money would drop from the sky-just enough to cover the well thought out plan or even better-if some person who had done something to cause a loss or hardship would come clean, apologize and whatever loss was suffered could be restored to get me to where "God's plan" kicks in and I can just work, be there enough for my kids for them to be productive happy members of society. I will go on without that miracle as some of those apologies would not bring people back to life and couldn't be forgiven.
I had started this blog not knowing what to write but being pretty sure I had something to say that would inspire something to go right or pain free for someone else. For someone to have some epiphany while reading that inspired them to greatness or to forgive when they wouldn't have or understand when someone needed them to or be able to overcome something that was holding them back. I have lived a meager existence and always wished I could have done more, learned more, seen more of the world and was a pleasure to be around while doing it. I hate liars and have no time for people who can't just tell the truth and waste others time, emotions, money so they have no choice but guard themselves and can't see fit to assist others who truly need it because of the liars. People who steal the innocence of children and usual sexual, financial, physical power to control others and profit have no business existing with decent humans either.
I am now pressed for time and need to get on with work, dealing with my legs, a real shower since i have had my legs in soft casts for a month, and so far blogging is not keeping the lights on, since finding direction and combining that with making a living doing something great have escaped me so far. Below is the facebook short novella for the day that reached the length of "oh my god no one will really want to read this or if they do they will be left saying oh my god how sad or how frustrating, poor thing". So I moved it here and will try to find a foundation, a purpose, a direction for it later. That brings 4000 other things to mind so I will just be fine with knowing I needed to put it all out of my head and onto paper since my close friends all are geographically far, their resources are limited as well so "helping" is probably not going to happen and finally maybe this is the purpose. I know if I died today there would be things I never got to say to my kids. They would have no idea what I truly go through and how much goes into every decision I make and why I am who I am. Remember too, if you ever said anything positive about anything i have written you are responsible too! I am not arrogant and probably need to be more confident but am feeling blessed to be humble, to question how I affect the universe and the people around me and wanting so badly to just work, be there for my kids, have a decent home and life and take 1 vacation with my husband and children before they are too old and just do it on their own with others who can afford to do so. I have hoped for a miracle all my life, I have needed a prince or savior to show up and save me since I was 7 and used to hope that being good and honest and all the things people needed someone to be would eventually lead me to financial stability and a "normal" life.
There goes another half hour......Here is the facebook post.......
Supposed to start yard sale, again, today. Couldn't pull it off. It's only been like a month and a 1/2, where normal people just plan it an put it all out there, I can't seem to coordinate being off work, getting signs out, getting prices on everything and making it happen. We are like the only house on the block without a garage and you drive in the neighborhood right into our house so they neighbors will call the city if I put everything in the carport and on the back porch the dogs will eat it all or the neighborhood squirrels will take over. humph. stupid middle aged white girl with lazy kids issues.
I can't seem to get my compression socks on without hurting myself so I will wing it until Monday doing my best not to let them swell or open the wound at all. The spot where it all started before is a half dollar sized circle right at the base of my ankle on top of my foot. It is mocking me all bright red and ready to have me screw up and rub something against it.
None of it would be sooo stressful if Tony's truck hadn't just taken a crap after having to spend $800 on tires and mine keeps wavering on running with a "reduced engine power" light on. It is hard to make that decision to trade your "old reliables" in for something new. Especially when you have kids who will be driving soon and just spent money to fix them. I have been working on our credit but we are nowhere near 0% GM financing or anything and our rating for car insurance is improving but reflective of a small fender bender. I had honestly almost gotten comfortable that we were on the right path and had a vehicle to keep it going. If I can't drive all the work i have done with kids doctors, dentist, ortho, and my legs, is all dead in the water.
I haven't said much. Trying to be respectful and just knowing there isn't much I can do and have to get over it. My mother hated personal business being aired on here, but with that expectation I say don't do things you wouldn't want other people to know about. I am also sick of assholes getting away with shit and no one holding them accountable. Public humiliation is a great tool. Plus some assholes have gotten away with treating me like some kind of pond scum and aren't even grateful for what their bullshit netted them. When my mom died (alone in a hospital feeling like a financial burden when she worked her butt off for most of her life) everything was to be sold and split between me and my sister. it narrowed down to half of my half going into funds for my kids college. no other stipulation put on Wendi's except she was to get a check for $400 a month until the money was gone. Her son lived with my mother and was supposed to go somewhere and changed up to going with my cousin. At the time I had, before I saw a will or knew what was going on and only knew the basic terms, said "if you need whatever money there is to care for him fine take it but please file a document with the court itemizing such expenses so my sister is aware of what was done for her". this should have been done anyway. As we sit again without a vehicle I am aware that my nephew is driving her (at the time) brand new vehicle. Half of $25,000 right now would definitely put us in a vehicle that would run a minute. and i have a bunch of people acting like they were entitled. That is not what my mom wanted. Everyone thinks what they want about my mom and I's relationship and think they can benefit from it not being perfect or that i will just roll over and believe she gave everything to Dakota. I love him and want the best for him and I think it is sad that no one else feels that same about my kids. The trust fund has been eliminated and nothing ever filed with the court So not only did my kids miss out on my mom for 18 years but what she left them and me is gone and I after offering to pay for it to be shipped never even got the pictures from our lives. I got her costume jewelry but someone still has her wedding ring and my grandma's birthstone ring (not to mention any gold she had outside of 1 set my oldest daughter got without going through me. (I do still have legal rights to my daughter, pay child support and her grandparents are guardians only.
Sorry this is so long, so personal, but I have to let it out and I hope those of you who know me and have taken some stock in loving me and caring will not pity me as I have never needed that, but will just say a prayer for me as it seems sometimes if your own family has left you holding the bag for all their shortcomings and wrong doings that God can't hear you anymore. Their are still people living who profited from my dad's death and they were owed nothing. I will attempt to regain that for my children. I didn't have a father growing up and suffered dearly for it and if anyone should have that money well ya know. I missed out on regaining a normal relationship with my mother that ended when I was 7 and got put on hold after 30 years because my sister chose to ruin a good part of my life getting arrested and using my name and wasting the opportunity to start over again while her son had 18 years with my mother and kids barely knew her. I know what she left for me and what is required by law in handling my moms estate. None of it was done correctly and I don't know how you steal from someone and call them a loser with any conviction. I used my moms info to get electricity when her and Wendi left and paid the bill for 15 days before it was shut off and I was without it for some time since i had a felony record to clear that wasn't even my own.
Anyway. I don't lie because of everything I have been through. If I attempt to I quickly admit it and apologize. I don't want or take what isn't mine or meant for me because I can't. I finally like me (personality wise and sense of loyalty and honesty---outer me I can't stand to look at but that is a whole other therapy session) and treat everyone I encounter like I would want to be treated and will go to bat for what is right no matter who is involved (complete honesty requires me to say not everyone, if you are a child molester or have taken another life due to greed, desire to control another life or hurt animals you are on your own and I will now, at this age break every other rule to see your life end because there is no hope for you or your soul) I am not perfect but I have answered for what I have done wrong in this life and hold only one "secret" not because there is shame in it but to protect the lives and minds of my children.
I will attempt to move forward from today, as I wish I had the power and knowledge and resources to 22 years ago when it happened, but could not have and just acknowledge that and will finally accept that there is a God who knew that too and He had intended me to know this when I was born and to be this secure in being a good person, telling the truth and speaking the truth loud and proud when someone is trying to silence the innocent.
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