Blast from the past.......these ought to help clarify things, or at least help me remember.

Post with "My Jamie" (RIP 12/10/1973 - 07/28/2010)

March 31, 2011 at 9:37pm

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I read through two years of posts to find this.  Just had to hang onto it.  When I first met her I could barely even "suggestive sell" the idea of a God to myself much less anyone else.  Her mother then passed away and I can still hear the sound of her very firm voice telling me "I will drive you to church, hell I will buy you a bible if you need one, but please do not ask me to discuss it with you or accept any of it.  I cant and wont discuss it with you or anyone else."
And I was fine with that, and knew how she felt.  9 years later, this was our conversation.
 
August 21, 2009 at 7:46pm ·  Friends Only · ·
 Jamie Weiss

•  I'll pray for you that things get better. Is your hand ok? Umm, where's dad in all this?
• August 21, 2009 at 10:11pm ·
• 
  Tami Tillman
•  Thank you I would really appreciate the prayers, I don't always believe He hears me. Tony was at work, one of his friends came by to board up the window for now. He likes his mother less than I do right now, and she makes Obama look an angel. Hand is ok. Spirit is broken right now. ;) Thank you all for your love, I wouldn't make it without it;)
  August 22, 2009 at 2:12am ·
• 
  Jamie Weiss
•  Tami, you are one of the strongest women I know. If you survived living with me, you can handle ANYTHING!! ;-) Oh and just an update ... I converted to Christianity. SURPRISE
  August 22, 2009 at 9:56am ·
• 
  
• Tami Tillman
  Thanks, all of you. Jamie I am glad, it used to be weird when you couldn't stand to hear about God. Now I could really use a little reassurance He doesn't like watching me suffer. I could use a big break from "not more than I can handle"..., I need a vacation.
  
  Thanks again, having amazing friends reminds me that it will all be ok. ;) School starts Monday. I am so psyched!!!reAugust 22, 2009 at 2:50pm ·
• 
  Jamie Weiss
•  It WILL be ok. And if you give me a moment I will find the perfect verse for you. :-P
  August 22, 2009 at 5:47pm ·
• 
  Jamie Weiss
•  HE doesn't but Satan DOES! Hey, I killed a mosquito and accidentally slammed it down on the Bible and I freaked out. LOL I was like....ah OMGosh, I'm SO SORRY. lol
  August 22, 2009 at 5:52pm ·
• 
  Jamie Weiss
•  Behold, blessed is the one whom God reproves; therefore despise not the discipline of the Almighty. Job 5:17
  For he wounds, but he binds up, he shatters, but his hands heal. Job 5:18
  I think I got that right. yes? no?August 22, 2009 at 6:37pm ·
• 
  Jamie Weiss
• Holy cow, I can't believe that came from me and knowing where to look in the Bible. :-O
  August 22, 2009 at 6:37pm ·
• 
  Tami Tillman
•  Thank you Jamie. That means so much in so many ways--and so very appropriate for my situation. Your mother has to be smiling right now!!
  August 23, 2009 at 1:37am ·
• 
  Jamie Weiss
•  Mom??? If she weren't cremated, I think she'd be rolling over in her grave. lol I'm Jewish by birth remember? lol

• August 23, 2009 at 7:11am · 

Then her final post....

Jamie Weiss
July 25, 2010 at 10:19am via BuildAGadget.com Sidebar Gadget

Jamie Weiss

July 25, 2010 · BlackBerry Smartphones App · 

Had my surgery Friday & stopped breathing on Saturday morning so the kept me overnight & I FINALLY get to go home in an hour. whoohooo

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Dave Conklin Jamie - you really need to stop all of this medical drama. How about a good year or 50 of just playing with your doggies? I hope your bounce back soon!

July 25, 2010 at 6:56am · Like

Jamie Weiss Lol, I'm fine Dave. It was a big deal to the nurses on staff but within 5 hrs I was my normal goofy self again. Can't wait to get home to my babies!! Oh & the surgery was a simple laproscopy to remove my gallbladder. I've been fine for the last 5 yrs! smile emoticon

July 25, 2010 at 8:10am · Like

Dave Conklin Good to hear Jamie!

July 25, 2010 at 9:04am · Like

Tammy Garner Brewington WOW, that sounds a little scary! I'm glad you're going to be ok. Have a blessed Sunday Jamie! smile emoticon

July 25, 2010 at 9:55am · Like 

To Blog or Not to Blog? That is the Question....

     Just posted on facebook.  As it started turning into a run-on paragraph I stopped, cut it off at a decent sounding end, and came here.  A good friend once told me I should try writing "something" as what I wrote "spoke to her" and she thought it might do the same for others.  I have been told the things I write are (pausing to recall the correct wording)...prophetic comes to mind, but that is my take on things and that always requires me to write it, live it, then explain it to someone else.  Nothing so far the is prophetic to someone else...(pausing again as something reminds me...) ok twice, three times it has been for someone else.  Once on the phone, and they never realized what had transpired or my part in it.  Second time in writing and that couple is still married, happily I believe, and living productive lives.  Third was over the phone.  Julie was very well aware that the message that came through me for her brought her to her husband.  Helped her make the adjustment from a very self sufficient, yet unpleasant life, to being able to be a wife and trust someone to "take care of her" and let her guard down enough to be party to a loving relationship.  Sadly she is not here to help me further realize my gift like we thought she was meant to.  So I still question the reason behind my prophetic "messages", where they come from and if the motive of the message.  I only know when I write, like I am now, that I rarely think it through (may seem obvious to some, but realize others will just think I failed English 101 or refuse to proofread), and just let the words flow through me and my fingers.

     Laughing now.  Realizing I haven't even pasted the cutout from Facebook yet.  The exact reason I started this blog.  I probably would have gone on to write all of the above on facebook and frankly  acknowledge that, to most, I don't have much to say.  For the better part of my life all of this infinite wisdom was shared with close friends in a drunken haze and then we just kept living.  Most of just coming out as crazy, over emotional, ramblings of a cared more, thought more and felt more than most humans are willing or able to endure.  

Whether it matters to anyone else today or not I am proud to be the person who will fight for what is right, do the right thing no matter unpopular it seems at the time and will not rest until I straighten out the rest of the mess and hold some people accountable. The rest of the time I will be trying to raise four girls with the same attitude and moral fiber, which is not going to be easy as I am learning it is not hereditary and how hard a fight it can be for some, as I can attest to the fact that they just come into this world....

with a set of issues, an attitude and a way of doing things that wasn't learned anywhere in this life as they are too small to have picked it up anywhere (no matter how controlled their environment).  That is a whole other psychology class/lesson.

That was the end of the post with the final thought (laughing at the prospect of me ever actually ending a thought, or a sentence, for that matter).  The original post was 

 3/20/2016 9:20am:  woke up this morning to the sound of all 4 girls getting ready for church. Dropped off Tawni's dog at grandma and grandpa's and took them to church. Cried the whole way home, 1 stop off at a yard sale for an antique bunk bed that looked like the one my dad's mom had given me when I was little, now finishing my good cry. Oh yeah and i have 2 calves that are the same normal size! I am nowhere near back to "normal" but I am so very grateful for all of you and all of your "experience, strength and hope" that held me together when I thought my life would never be livable again. I was upset yesterday when everyone was acting up and stressing Tawni out. That beautiful child came in and hugged me and said "momma you didn't lose me, if you had I wouldn't be standing here hugging you right now". That made it all almost bearable. Finally told my husband how glad I was that he has decided to be a better man over the years but how very angry I have been at him for failing us back then and making the journey twice as hard for me.

Need to find a way to make it all "flow".  I am probably barely healthy enough to live long enough to make the blog "work for me" much less to write some autobiography, but feel the need to leave something for my children that will hopefully help them understand any number of things they may experience in life that need explaining or at least let them know that their mother may have not cured cancer or solved world hunger or peace, but she sure tried.  

So much more to say, but know that there aren't enough hours in one day to say it all, and will just hope for today that one day I will be able to write until I am blank and void of all thoughts and feelings instead of the sound of my husband snoring blocking all of it and leaving me annoyed.

 

 

Worst Day of My Life? Or First Day of My Life........

02/18/2016---My mom has been diagnosed with Leukemia or some variation of it.  Seems the diagnosis changes daily.  She called on this morning about 6 times from her cell phone while in the doctor's office.  Started working on getting there.  By the end of the day I was not going.

By the morning of 02/19/2016 her rude friend was insulting me to my aunt Jo and so was my nephew and she wouldn't defend me or pay for my plane ticket. Finished the day with my mom calling and saying I should wait. There is no waiting.  It was now, or, thanks to everything that was said to me, never.  Told off my nephew via a voicemail.  My aunt and I left off with me crying and hanging up as I realized she still thinks I am a piece of shit and good for nothing.  Heart broken.  Felt sorry for my mom.  Guess that is all me though she will be just fine without me won't she.

Realizing today (2/23/2016) it has been 4 days since I have talked to her and I am almost over being mad.  Still hurt but the sting is gone.  Hard to walk away from the only family you truly have left.  Well, they actually walked away a long time ago, they just didn't formally announce it, that would have made them look like assholes.  They will surely never feel as bad as I do about it either way.  Lately I wish I felt nothing.  It is becoming easier and easier though.

Does this crap happen to everyone? Does anyone else notice it?

Tonight, Food City, "I don't want to pay $3.99/lb for hamburger, I want to pay $1.99/lb".  I look up and see small packages labeled as chicken breast for $1.24/lb, picked up all 5 of them.  This is my kind of karma.  Only took like 40 years to pop up and save me $5.00 or so.

Started out today with a shower at 4am.  Not normal for me at all.  Usually do my best thinking (used to think it was when "God talked to me") in the shower, especially when everyone else is asleep.  I also, like this morning, quickly lose most of the genius thoughts or plans that are inspired, by the end of the day.  Thought of getting that washable "shower paint" so I could just write ideas on the walls.  Dry erase board?  I even purchased Dragon software with a headset before but haven't had time to get it out of the box.  The husband had a genius idea of just hooking up something directly to my brain that transmitted all my thoughts into writing.  Like Steven Hawking and his eye brow movement induced computer.  Lord just that much information was too much.  

Anyway keep starting to restart this blog....then trail off in a million directions that don't end up written down or ventured after and wonder why whatever inspires those ideas is no longer strong enough to help me follow them?  Started a new notebook.  Thinking that would remind me to get moving.  Then I fell asleep at my desk and let a cigarette ask drop on the brand new pages and already my OCD filled inspiration is dashed and I have to start over as it looks really tacky.  lol.  

One thought for the day.  Intuition.  Or is it some outside force?  In the car and said Lemmy outloud.  The next day found out that same day that the Meatloaf musician had died.  I didn't know him.  Didn't care much for their music and I didn't say it prior to him dying so what use is that?  I know my dad, his mom, and maybe others were dying when I was crying hysterically, or calling them and wracked with grief, could do nothing to stop it.  Like Lemmy, I had a similar experience with Dale Earnhardt Jr and Mother Theresa.  Yeah, I know, wth?

The Turning Point May Have Finally Come

http://www.spin.com/2015/12/motorhead-lemmy-dead-ian-fraser-kilmister-70-rip/?utm_source=share-fb

Hopefully the above link works.  Sitting at my desk doing the usual attempt to solve the worlds problems or just my own from my cluttered desk.  Had thought earlier today about trying to put something legible, logical and worth reading on paper (you know what I mean).  I was flipping through facebook and was amazed to see the above post.  Most people would never have given it a second thought I am sure.  There it was, Lemmy died, not a close friend.  Not even someone I really followed in music.  I was in the car I'm pretty sure, this morning going to get soda and smokes.  Nothing in particular on my mind or on the radio.  Certainly not Motorhead.  But "lemmy" was the word that popped into my head.  I had cocked my head sideways as I often do while talking to myself.  It rang through again and I then shrugged it off.  This morning was technically 3am on 12/29 and it seems he passed on 12/28.  More clearly than most messages of the past, I am now just thinking "he wasn't close to me, so of course I wouldn't have "felt" him passing.  However it may be (I hope) a sign of what I am capable of knowing (spiritually speaking)."  I am not even close to being ready to knowing why I "know" things, usually people dying, but I am thrilled to be blessed with the ability.  I think.  "It" is much more calm now, the knowledge, than all the years up to now which is refreshing.  It was emotionally draining, in hindsight, each time I was hit with a feeling, or thought, or (hoping to come up with the words to easily express the experience) whatever "it" is. 

So there, this blog is nearly as "public" as I am capable of making it.  Ok, well I haven't made it accessible from google, but I hate google and the way it is setup to share.  Seems like a whole new facebook that also invades my email and I am not ready for sharing that much. lol.  But my fight with technology is probably a whole other blog.  I am ok with teaching myself how to do most things but explaining it to others will require a whole other degree I am too old to achieve.  So for now you are safe.  

More to come soon.  Not sure if I need so badly to put it all to print for me?  So I can find the "someone" who has the answers I need?  Mostly have always needed a purpose.  A special purpose would be cool.  I don't need to stand out too much, but have always thought it would be cool to be the psychic who could help solve crimes, locate lost kids, find buried treasure that no one else could and to help people talk to people who have passed away if it is possible.  We'll see.  I mostly hope it all won't just disappear from me one day.  I also never anticipated the ability may come in handy to solve my dad and his wife's murders.  It damn near made me a suspect, which was scary, glad my lot in life was not a prison sentence for knowing the details of a crime that I should not know.

Here's a little ditty....

This is the closest I have ever come to writing a "song", "poem", whatever.  For the husband of a wonderful woman and close friend.  She died on Christmas 2014.  He reposted on facebook and didn't think enough of me to give me credit for writing it, so I am, because I wrote it.  Period.  Sticking up for myself this much is actually a big deal for me.  I had always forgiven people who never asked to be.  Was understanding of those who were rude, lied, stole, cheated, when they didn't want to be understood.  I treated people like I would want to be treated, which I understand now, that no one seems to care about the things I do.
Anyway,  food needs to be cooked and the kids who aren't supposed to be talking, can be heard through a few walls and doors and Five Finger Death Punch, so I will be back with more for sure later.

Here's to you Julie Booley Bear.  Rock on on the other side and hold me and my girls close when you see us flailing or falling lol.  Love you.

Dave Ochoa with Brutal Julie Lovelace-Ochoa.
22 hrs · YouTube ·

she comes to me in my sweet dreams, it's not enough i need to be---in the arms of my angel. to smell her hair and feel her there, it was heaven on earth. i'd give it all away just to be---in the arms of my angel.
She's a myth, mysterious and magical. She's more to me than eyes can see. She's far away yet here with me. She's all I ever needed-now a fantasy. I'd take my life so I could be......In the arms of my angel, been thru heaven and hell, in the arms of my angel. move heaven and earth, to be in the arms of my angel. Dear God this hurts-please set me free- to be, in the arms of my angel.  - tami.j.t 2015

Thanksgiving....trying to be thankful whether it sounds like it or not!

Still not much of a direction here. Found myself at 2am about to post my 3rd "paragraph" for the day and realized I hadn't even posted my one liner about Code Black (TV Series on after Criminal Minds on Wednesdays). Started to add to that post, and a half page later, I posted the one liner and cut and pasted the rest here. I am still unsure how to "go public" with this page and more unsure if I really want to. If only because of my new found annoyance at Microsoft, HP, whomever, who keep me just enough out of touch that I am nervous I will put my heart into something and it will disappear due to malfunction or I will get lost in some upgrade I never needed, nor asked for, nor got the memo on how to use. Anyway here is me, facebook-almost, 2am, and sharing with millions or talking to myself. Still unsure.

Got another letter from my sister. She must have been paying attention all along, as she sounds like a "normal" person, oddly in the most not normal place she could be, but if that is what it takes....Just barely got Julie's Obituary to her, haven't had a chance to tell her about Corey. She was telling me how she takes trips to have something in her throat....thyroid......now not sure which, anyway she said she has also applied to train dogs for Vets companions. (which is great, I posted something similar on here a while back) She said "I am a little worried I will be gone to the doctor when they come for the interviews for that job." She then said "certainly God wouldn't do that to me would he?" I wished I had better news for her. I wish I had perfect testimony to tell her that he wouldn't let that happen, or had anything to do with it, or noticed at all. I did notice that was twice, last letter she asked me to pray for her. I had Tonni tell me the other day when I was losing it "mom God wouldn't do that to you it is, and she pointed down". I started to go off on a rant that if there was a god and he was so almighty he WOULD do something to intervene....I stopped myself and told her thank you for correcting me, for sticking up for what she believes in, and that sometimes I am not the one who should be influencing my kids

And 7 hours later I wake up on the couch.  Find my PC about ready to reboot itself for whatever reason and almost lost another train of thought.  If I only had all the ramblings that were lost, accidentally deleted, stuck in a burned out hard drive, etc.  I could probably write a book.  At least I could fill in the gaps to one blog and have it make sense to anyone!  I still need to figure out how to creatively insert facial expressions and some sort of emoticon to express the varying moods and my sense of humor as well.

It is Thanksgiving.  Need to shower and accomplish something today.  Supposed to go to the in laws to eat.  My kids are on the 4th or 5th day of "the last chance to clean their room".  I think it has actually been going on since they were born.  3 girls, one room, 3 huge dressers and they can't seem to get their crap off the floor and their clothes in the dressers.  However they can cause general unrest in a whole family and manage to get out of completely finishing because we eventually have to leave the house for something.

Off to get ready and try to figure out why my font here is increasing with each paragraph.  It is giving me anxiety and making me feel like this should have all been gradually escalating to something Big and Exciting!!  But I have nothing.  Well, nothing good anyway.  It was inspiring me to start to add pictures.  Not of me of course.  As I type this my hands are going numb from either carpal tunnel or poor circulation.  I could obviously go on forever and life still goes on with 4 kids, a husband and a big fat dog who has no idea his job is to guard the house.

News for the week and from his brothers' page on FB 

At 6:30 pm Arizona time Today November 23, 2015 My brother Corey Passed Away for cancer complications.  Corey Plummer.

He had been a friend since about 9th grade, I am 46 now, haven't done the math but I do know outliving anyone I know is never easy.  More on that later.  Of to shower and try to look presentable for turkey day with the in-laws.  Finding out I was part Nez Perce indian when I was 32 has changed my view a little but just make light of most of it.  For Now...