The Turning Point May Have Finally Come

http://www.spin.com/2015/12/motorhead-lemmy-dead-ian-fraser-kilmister-70-rip/?utm_source=share-fb

Hopefully the above link works.  Sitting at my desk doing the usual attempt to solve the worlds problems or just my own from my cluttered desk.  Had thought earlier today about trying to put something legible, logical and worth reading on paper (you know what I mean).  I was flipping through facebook and was amazed to see the above post.  Most people would never have given it a second thought I am sure.  There it was, Lemmy died, not a close friend.  Not even someone I really followed in music.  I was in the car I'm pretty sure, this morning going to get soda and smokes.  Nothing in particular on my mind or on the radio.  Certainly not Motorhead.  But "lemmy" was the word that popped into my head.  I had cocked my head sideways as I often do while talking to myself.  It rang through again and I then shrugged it off.  This morning was technically 3am on 12/29 and it seems he passed on 12/28.  More clearly than most messages of the past, I am now just thinking "he wasn't close to me, so of course I wouldn't have "felt" him passing.  However it may be (I hope) a sign of what I am capable of knowing (spiritually speaking)."  I am not even close to being ready to knowing why I "know" things, usually people dying, but I am thrilled to be blessed with the ability.  I think.  "It" is much more calm now, the knowledge, than all the years up to now which is refreshing.  It was emotionally draining, in hindsight, each time I was hit with a feeling, or thought, or (hoping to come up with the words to easily express the experience) whatever "it" is. 

So there, this blog is nearly as "public" as I am capable of making it.  Ok, well I haven't made it accessible from google, but I hate google and the way it is setup to share.  Seems like a whole new facebook that also invades my email and I am not ready for sharing that much. lol.  But my fight with technology is probably a whole other blog.  I am ok with teaching myself how to do most things but explaining it to others will require a whole other degree I am too old to achieve.  So for now you are safe.  

More to come soon.  Not sure if I need so badly to put it all to print for me?  So I can find the "someone" who has the answers I need?  Mostly have always needed a purpose.  A special purpose would be cool.  I don't need to stand out too much, but have always thought it would be cool to be the psychic who could help solve crimes, locate lost kids, find buried treasure that no one else could and to help people talk to people who have passed away if it is possible.  We'll see.  I mostly hope it all won't just disappear from me one day.  I also never anticipated the ability may come in handy to solve my dad and his wife's murders.  It damn near made me a suspect, which was scary, glad my lot in life was not a prison sentence for knowing the details of a crime that I should not know.

Here's a little ditty....

This is the closest I have ever come to writing a "song", "poem", whatever.  For the husband of a wonderful woman and close friend.  She died on Christmas 2014.  He reposted on facebook and didn't think enough of me to give me credit for writing it, so I am, because I wrote it.  Period.  Sticking up for myself this much is actually a big deal for me.  I had always forgiven people who never asked to be.  Was understanding of those who were rude, lied, stole, cheated, when they didn't want to be understood.  I treated people like I would want to be treated, which I understand now, that no one seems to care about the things I do.
Anyway,  food needs to be cooked and the kids who aren't supposed to be talking, can be heard through a few walls and doors and Five Finger Death Punch, so I will be back with more for sure later.

Here's to you Julie Booley Bear.  Rock on on the other side and hold me and my girls close when you see us flailing or falling lol.  Love you.

Dave Ochoa with Brutal Julie Lovelace-Ochoa.
22 hrs · YouTube ·

she comes to me in my sweet dreams, it's not enough i need to be---in the arms of my angel. to smell her hair and feel her there, it was heaven on earth. i'd give it all away just to be---in the arms of my angel.
She's a myth, mysterious and magical. She's more to me than eyes can see. She's far away yet here with me. She's all I ever needed-now a fantasy. I'd take my life so I could be......In the arms of my angel, been thru heaven and hell, in the arms of my angel. move heaven and earth, to be in the arms of my angel. Dear God this hurts-please set me free- to be, in the arms of my angel.  - tami.j.t 2015

Thanksgiving....trying to be thankful whether it sounds like it or not!

Still not much of a direction here. Found myself at 2am about to post my 3rd "paragraph" for the day and realized I hadn't even posted my one liner about Code Black (TV Series on after Criminal Minds on Wednesdays). Started to add to that post, and a half page later, I posted the one liner and cut and pasted the rest here. I am still unsure how to "go public" with this page and more unsure if I really want to. If only because of my new found annoyance at Microsoft, HP, whomever, who keep me just enough out of touch that I am nervous I will put my heart into something and it will disappear due to malfunction or I will get lost in some upgrade I never needed, nor asked for, nor got the memo on how to use. Anyway here is me, facebook-almost, 2am, and sharing with millions or talking to myself. Still unsure.

Got another letter from my sister. She must have been paying attention all along, as she sounds like a "normal" person, oddly in the most not normal place she could be, but if that is what it takes....Just barely got Julie's Obituary to her, haven't had a chance to tell her about Corey. She was telling me how she takes trips to have something in her throat....thyroid......now not sure which, anyway she said she has also applied to train dogs for Vets companions. (which is great, I posted something similar on here a while back) She said "I am a little worried I will be gone to the doctor when they come for the interviews for that job." She then said "certainly God wouldn't do that to me would he?" I wished I had better news for her. I wish I had perfect testimony to tell her that he wouldn't let that happen, or had anything to do with it, or noticed at all. I did notice that was twice, last letter she asked me to pray for her. I had Tonni tell me the other day when I was losing it "mom God wouldn't do that to you it is, and she pointed down". I started to go off on a rant that if there was a god and he was so almighty he WOULD do something to intervene....I stopped myself and told her thank you for correcting me, for sticking up for what she believes in, and that sometimes I am not the one who should be influencing my kids

And 7 hours later I wake up on the couch.  Find my PC about ready to reboot itself for whatever reason and almost lost another train of thought.  If I only had all the ramblings that were lost, accidentally deleted, stuck in a burned out hard drive, etc.  I could probably write a book.  At least I could fill in the gaps to one blog and have it make sense to anyone!  I still need to figure out how to creatively insert facial expressions and some sort of emoticon to express the varying moods and my sense of humor as well.

It is Thanksgiving.  Need to shower and accomplish something today.  Supposed to go to the in laws to eat.  My kids are on the 4th or 5th day of "the last chance to clean their room".  I think it has actually been going on since they were born.  3 girls, one room, 3 huge dressers and they can't seem to get their crap off the floor and their clothes in the dressers.  However they can cause general unrest in a whole family and manage to get out of completely finishing because we eventually have to leave the house for something.

Off to get ready and try to figure out why my font here is increasing with each paragraph.  It is giving me anxiety and making me feel like this should have all been gradually escalating to something Big and Exciting!!  But I have nothing.  Well, nothing good anyway.  It was inspiring me to start to add pictures.  Not of me of course.  As I type this my hands are going numb from either carpal tunnel or poor circulation.  I could obviously go on forever and life still goes on with 4 kids, a husband and a big fat dog who has no idea his job is to guard the house.

News for the week and from his brothers' page on FB 

At 6:30 pm Arizona time Today November 23, 2015 My brother Corey Passed Away for cancer complications.  Corey Plummer.

He had been a friend since about 9th grade, I am 46 now, haven't done the math but I do know outliving anyone I know is never easy.  More on that later.  Of to shower and try to look presentable for turkey day with the in-laws.  Finding out I was part Nez Perce indian when I was 32 has changed my view a little but just make light of most of it.  For Now... 

My New Mantra

Well my page long post that I intended to put here was wiped out.  Someday I will reach a point where this blog has a direction, possibly a purpose, or just make sense to someone who doesn't know me well.  That is my hope anyway.  To share something with someone that makes a difference in their life.  To reach out and find those kindred souls out there that I have been blessed to find that just "get each other".  Can finish each others sentences and not judge and just smile and nod as we hold on to each other as long as we can.

My post from facebook today.  The mantra in blue.  That's me.


I had a long winded post. The continuous blue screen on my pc ate it. Probably for the best. Have been blessed for a week with my friend Robbie McCunn presence helping us refinish a table from Tony's parents. Had a visit from friends of my dad and his wife. The next day received a letter from my sister. The next two nights I had my oldest daughter which rarely happens. So have been a bit emotional but trying to keep it at a non-bipolar leve. Just realized that I am probably not clinically depressed or bipolar just have had a life full of events that would make anyone that way. Was going to say more synchronicity but as I read I guess we're going to add Nature Based to it. Always looking for answers, trying to serve a purpose and save someone from any particular hell I have endured for otherwise it was for nothing and that would suck. heart emoticon

The Road to Hell is Literally Paved with My Good Intentions. I Continue to Keep it Well Maintained and Upgraded, Yet I Can't Use it.....

 I continue to risk looking like a fool and of course setting myself up for failure.  I am out of ideas and resources.  At the same time I have recently began to understand my (for lack of a better source to credit) god given gift and become more confident in myself and the decisions I make and my effect on other humans.

You would almost think by that statement that I am someone "important" or that I have decided I am.  My world is so small in comparison to some.  My good deeds could probably not fill a small bucket.  The number of people I encounter in a usual day is probably insignificant on a scale.  To me though, it is everything, and all I have the opportunity to do.  I take care in my words, my actions are rarely without thought when others are involved. I try to avoid being selfish or unfair at all costs.  I am no saint.  I could easily list deeds that would leave some wondering how I call myself honest, loyal, or trustworthy.  I have attempted to make amends for each wrong doing.  I will gladly look at my part in any situation and tend to blame myself first and usually let anyone else off without confrontation as my actions could have easily caused the negative reaction of another.

It is late and there is so much more to say.  Below is a 2nd request sent to the church of a friend from high schools' church for help with getting my vehicles running.  I am the unfortunate intelligent adult that has become reliant on cigarettes.  Payday isn't for a few more hours and I am out of them.  So I will attempt to sleep for a few more hours and will have to finish this later. Always hopeful that when I awaken the words will still flow from me or through me and I will get to make sense of it all before my time is up (eminent demise).  If I could find enough testimony to warrant trusting a higher power and living on faith I would ask to have the addiction removed and I could blessed with freedom from that interruption.  I would love to testify.  On anything to do with miracles, blessings and god.  I am stuck here though and only seem to testify in a court of law.  Which is another day, another post, another "ride on the crazy train" that still remains derailed.  

This is the second request for assistance:

I sent a request to be considered for assistance about a week ago.  A friend from high school (we're in our 40's now) thought you all might be able to help and I have run out of other options or I wouldn't be so forward as to ask.  I grew up in Ahwatukee and would have come in person but transportation is the issue.  I wanted to find out if requests from outside people are even responded to?  Both of my vans are at the mechanic now.  The first will cost $800 to get it on the road, w/air conditioning.  The second is being estimated now.  I will have $500 next week.  i can then also afford to get tags and insure it.  My whole story is so long and detailed that sit here tonight in tears trying to determine what to say in few words that will inspire someone to pray on my request, and although out of the ordinary from the usual way things are handled, find the confirmation that they need to see that without outside (from my current circle or family circle) help i will continue to lose a few battles.  For as long as I can remember, literally each time I prepare to accomplish necessary groundwork to return my oldest child to me, restore my legal standing to acceptable to pass a back ground/fingerprint card, and to complete the adoption of my middle children-twins age 8, by my husband and the only father they will ever know, and lastly to be able to travel out of state to address the murder of my bio father and his wife.  I have overcome so much in this life and continue to hope and try.  My church is not willing to help as my in laws are ministers of the church and continue to have custody of my oldest child, who will be 14 in Oct., whom should have been returned to my custody 9 years ago.  I have to stop there and hope and pray that I was lead here for a reason and someone will know my heart and that the only way this story can go from potential loss of my children or some harm coming to them to a beautiful story of miracles, blessings, and one persons incredible ability to overcome and years of paying it forward returning to save a family.  My worst fear in reaching out is that I have a step dad in the valley somewhere who, after being reported to the police (literally just realized the date) 20 years ago, is still here someone hopefully unaware that I have children at all.  My twins father is in prison and the best I can hope for is he is never released.  I am in contact with my dad's circle of friends who are not all far from suspicion as well.  With a little help I can keep my family safe, get on track to ensuring that, and restoring my position (for lack of a better term) in life to match what those close to me know in faith and on paper needs to be restored.  

Thank you for your time.  Your possible consideration. Sorry for the repeated request, I have a hard time restating the last 20 years of almost unbelievable "unfortunate events" and therefore have not asked anyone for help.  No one person I know has the resources to help with this and I can only hope to try again next year for a tax return to cover costs.  Last year the whole return was used to buy van #2 which left us behind on rent as well.  Thank you and bless you for your taking the time for me and my request to day.

 I have always hoped for a "normal drama free life".  Whatever it means.  How simple that it could truly be attained with a few thousand dollars and a vehicle that would run for little while without needing repair or maintenance or at least the cost of it.

When You Finally Realize and Accept the Gifts You Are Given, Yet Still Wonder What Exactly to do With Them and Who Gave Them to You........

POST TO MY FRIEND DIANNE THIS MORNING ON FACEBOOK OF COURSE. SUFFERING FROM PANIC ATTACKS IT SEEMS.  OF COURSE MY KEYBOARD DIED THE OTHER DAY WHEN SHE ORIGINALLY ASKED FOR HELP (WITH WHAT SEEMED TO BE) PANIC ATTACKS (ANYWAY).

 I tried to post to you the other day but my keyboard was fried. As to the panic attacks. The usual medical answer is a small dose of xanax. The best help I can offer is to call me anytime it happens. Doesn't matter where or when just call, I am very good at talking people down from this (comes from needing someone to do it for me). Or talk to anyone who is familiar and will talk to you "low, and slow and tell you you are ok". PTSD and panic attack advice is, if you are alone, find a focus point--your purse, a picture, your shoe and focus your eyes on it only and "self talk" out loud or in your head the details of the item while trying to slow your breathing. Until the feeling passes. Our miss Brutal Julie Lovelace-Ochoa used to help talk me down from these "episodes" when I was alone in the world and my over thinking brain, or unfamiliar surroundings and horrible people would get me "going". Can be caused by lack of sleep, too much stress, and figuring out I didn't have to have been through a war to have PTSD helped me work out the issues. Counseling helped. Medication helped. Having people around me who knew what was going on helped. Something as unobvious as a smell can trigger it or a place or a person. Being a strong, independent, caring female comes with it's share of shit you have no control over--like your brain and your heart just not being able to handle anymore stress for a while. I always wondered how anyone would know when enough was enough and couldn't take anymore--panic attacks are one way your body will just show you. They can feel like a heart attack, or even asthma attack, and what it does to your mind probably varies--for me it felt like (for lack of a better description) my brain was running about 10 miles ahead of my head and my vision would turn into a tunnel trying to catch it. I'm serious about calling me if you just need someone familiar to empty your head to or tell you reassuring things to calm you down. Get lots of rest. I had to start turning off my phone, the TV, anything that kept my brain an heart stimulated by outside things or bringing up memories. I posted this on your wall feeling like it was one of those times that someone else out there may need to hear(read) this too. I am always willing to listen or will help in anyway I can when anyone is going through this. I can't offer much help any other way these days, so I would love to hear from you and find my best asset is doing anything I can to save someone from anything I have had to endure even once. At least I served a purpose and am so senile anything you need to share or say is easily unloaded and forgotten. Laughing now, when i went thru the worst of these things I had only Elmer for support....I had said I was afraid I was crazy and lost my mind. His advice was "hey stupid if you were crazy you wouldn't know it". Just having someone say something so "abrupt and to the point" helped me to regain my will to fight it.

Prior to this, I was on the phone with another long time friend Jennifer, called me after I posted on her facebook last night.  Her page was odd looking when I was inspired to go to it.  I noticed (feeling like a stalker myself but rolling with it) that she had followers on her timeline.  Thought it was odd she would even allow it and especially one of the names.  Left her a hello, sent her a PM asking what was going on, and hoped she wouldn't think I was nuts or just nosey.  She burst into tears on the phone.  I have had this effect on people all of my life.  I am today, grateful for the gift of knowing when something is wrong with someone and delivering some kind of message that might help.  She will be deleting, blocking and removing those "followers" from her facebook page and God or Buddha or whom or what-ever willing she will be fine.  I wasn't thrilled at scaring her, but we have been friends long enough that she was able to calm down, tell me she was glad I said something and I will keep doing what I do and saying what no one wants to hear because I know and will remain confident that nothing would dare come through me trying to hurt anyone.

My oddest fear today is that the realization of my gift and/or the confidence in myself will be short lived and it means that my life is coming to an end.  I have had a couple of occasions where the "episodes" I have when someone is passing away came over me and at the end I was left with thinking the person was me.  No one I know of was dieing or dead.  One time I was given the words that I was next on my heart.  Nothing.....then Julie died, then Natalie.  I had a mild heart attack a few months ago and am not in the best health but am still here.  I am unsure of anyone gaining this and living to tell about it.  Will probably be inspired to start probing the minds of people---then stopping myself thinking good luck finding anyone who knows they are going to die and can talk about what they think or how they feel and before it is time to go.......

Most Positive Day In Months.......Had forgotten how good felt

So rarely happens, didn't want to forget to post it,

So a few weeks back I was job scared, freaking out, kids were not helping any and either was my husband.

Out of a list of 75 work at home agents my stats listed me as ranked 74.

This week due to changes, work at home agents have to bid for shifts. If you were in the top 15 you only had to pick 3 shifts and wait for the pick. Anyone under that had to bid for 15 different shifts and be prepared to work any of them in a week. I, being unaware of the shift bid due to days off, was extremely ecstatic to find the new list for the month of our rank, in my email---guess where I was--50th?? nope, 35th?? nope. Hell-20th nope. 14th!!!! 60 positions up. 60!!!! Up until last week I was still on notice that one failed call, one excuse for not being up to par and I was history.

Then I heard about shift bid, at the last minute my coach finally answered me as to why on the bid for available shifts my name was up top with about 12 other people, who had "special schedules" due to kids, hours, etc (mine was because 3 years ago when I went back to work I was unable to work more than 4 hours without having a nervous breakdown).

I get to keep my schedule, didn't have to bid, keep my benefits which take about 1/3 of my pay instead of 3/4(still really high co-pay but oh well) and moved my butt up from 74 and out of a job to 14 and not scared of getting a schedule i can't work.

Thanks to my friends at work, you all here(facebook), my kids and my husband. I already know exactly where I would be without you and I picked my butt up then too. (this just reminded me that today, oddly, I ended up telling a lady the "identity theft and mismatched fingerprint card and ten years to fix it" story----the 2 min. version that prompted her to stop feeling sorry for herself!)