Figures, Finally the Time to Write an Entire Thought, Should Have Known a Fancy Header Would Escape Me.....

Had a rare quiet moment alone and for some reason thought back to my second grade in school.  Memorable for many reasons, not all great, but memorable.  Of course it was second grade, my teachers' name was Mrs. Two, and I guess I was 8 years old.  I thought for a moment that Mrs. Two must be quite old by now if she is even still alive.  I am 48 so she would be at least 70.  My mother would be 71 on April 1st and she is gone so......Back to the point.  I don't remember all the details but I do remember my step dad coming into my room late one night when he thought everyone was asleep.  Then my mom called out for him, he tried to make some excuse, but barely believable that you were bringing someone a drink without a glass of water in your hand.  We occasionally heard them fight, but I didn't know until a few years ago that he had hit my mom.  I don't if it was that night but it was around the same time.  I always remembered Mrs. Two taking us to her house after taking us; sorry "us" would be my younger sister Wendi; to her house after taking us to the movies.  I guess I can't remember the movie because I was too nervous.  My mom rarely left us anywhere except with the neighbor who babysat everyones kids.  When she finally picked us up she had moved us and pretty much all of our stuff to an an apartment a few blocks from where our house had been.  

My thoughts today, and for many days since age 8, were how much love and respect I had for my mother.  How brave she was.  How scared she must have been.  I knew she had no knowledge of what my step dad was doing, and I just believed she left him to save me.  I only wish she could have known that when I told her, at age 22, what had really been going on.  I wish she could have told me that he had been beating her and that (so my aunt told me) she hid a black eye from us for weeks.  

I have had an interesting life, always seeming to have something happen to me, learning from it as opposed to being devastated or damaged.  I am aware that I always seem to have an example of what could have become of me or how it could have been worse and finding the way to understand I couldn't have done anything to avoid the disaster and know it wasn't my fault. The biggest blessing, I think I learned from my mom, was to try and help someone else avoid the same or help them overcome when they endured the same.  It is a big part of the healing process.  The hardest part is knowing, by mom's advice, that there is always someone worse off than I am.  There is no comfort in that, only the strength to get over what was happening to me and try to help someone else.

Today my thoughts started with wondering where Ms. Two was today.  Not sure I could find her on facebook or otherwise without her first name.  Or that she would even remember the two little faces of the children she helped save.  Just wanting to thank her now.  It cannot be easy to be a teacher period.  But to go the extra mile and take us for a while and risk being involved in the whole mess was definitely above and beyond.  Must have inspired my early appreciation for teachers and their ability to care for so many little bodies and minds for even a few hours a day.

After a lengthy pause so many questions come to mind, and thoughts.  What inspired me to come here to write this? in this moment?  The house is never quiet for more than a minute.  I am constantly interrupted and always feeling the need to write something, but never finding the quiet time, until now.  I often have inspirational or enlightening things to say to other people or for other people.  I get nervous when the thoughts or feelings seem to be from somewhere for me.  Afraid something is going to go wrong with one of my children or friends.  Afraid I am calm and clear headed as disaster is about to strike.  I can only hope not.  

I hope if you are reading this that something I have said has somehow helped or inspired or spoken to you.  I hope nothing bad lies in waiting for any of us but my hoping that has never stopped anything from going wrong, that I know of anyway.

"What's This Life For?"

I am sitting in my cluttered office/room/bad episode of hoarders trying to clear out clutter and ready myself for a yard sale.  My mother heavy on my heart and mind.  My sister as well.  I found a small God Box I received from a friend I met playing poker on facebook.  Next came across a pack of stickers my best friend Tammy's mom, well was going to say gave me, but have to come clean and admit I took them when I stayed with her once.  I had to admit that and will have to send her an apology.  She will surely think I am nuts, I am, I just have to be able to say to people with conviction that I don't lie, steal or cheat and can be trusted.  Truly hoped at the time she would bless me with some of the "God fodder" she had, stickers, books, writing paper and when she started too and couldn't bring herself to, I learned how taking what isn't yours ruins the blessing you might have received from someone and how you ruin their opportunity to give something and feel good.

A giant pause there.  I sat down thinking so many things and questioning so many things as usual.  Haven't had much opportunity to write as interruptions are constant here.  Husband out of a dead sleep and banging around now.  So it stops here and I will attempt to finish a thought later some time.

The Desire to Master a 2 Sentence Facebook Post and Save the World is No Easy Task.......

Well it’s Wednesday again.  It is my only weekday off.  The only day I have to get important M-F 8-5 business done.  Always had a job where at the least, we could use the phone.  Current job has requires being tethered to a headset for 6.5 hours of my shift with no interruptions allowed. It never fails, when I am working on getting Tawni home with us, the check engine light is on again in my truck, and the battery is doing something weird.  I just muddle through though.  I can at least laugh at the many odd co-incidences and strange anomalies that go on around me.  People tend to think I am nuts until they are around and witness things.  The one thing I enjoy about growing old is the ability to laugh at things that used to plague me.  The realization and confirmation, that something out there has a little control over some things.  The confirmation may be as simple as thinking that three people, in different cities may coincidentally all lock their keys in their cars in a Wal-Mart parking lot at the exact same time.  I had to test the theory to be sure they were not just test calls set up by my employer.  After the next similar occurrence, I chose to believe something out there knows when we are paying attention.

Picking a track, much less staying on it, is always going to be a chore.  Just came in from driving the girls to school.  Riding home after dropping off the kids at school, I had an epiphany (I like to call them).  I was going to paste on Facebook.  In the few steps from the car to the desk, the words originally thought to post, quickly go from a sentence to a paragraph.  I then thought of the blog and a thousand other ideas.  Sitting now, trying to put it all into something easily understood, grammatically correct, interesting enough for a stranger to read and most of all-something my children will be able to follow and understand. 

Sitting here, pausing in between paragraphs, being overwhelmed with a million feelings, a thousand thoughts and ideas and finally a small sense of peace, laughing at myself, the realization………

The realization that I am incapable of a single thought process has inspired a "key" for reading my posts.  Attempts to put thoughts into a bulleted list would result in running out of sub identifiers.  Moving forward, when the thought process interrupts the thought process, a change in font color will signify it.  Making it easier to just keep writing and refrain from the over explaining.  This is the only way to get passed over explaining everything.  This paragraph, Words’ spelling and grammar check, and various other things have even inspired me use this blog to better myself.  Desire to change manner of thinking and speaking  to a more effective manner are also fuel to this blogs fire. It is a bit odd to have a blog so lacking in direction, that reads more like a diary than ……….

Stopped for definition of blog. 

A regularly updated website or web page, typically one run by an individual or small group, which is written in an informal or conversational style.

Thankfully, that “stopped that train in its tracks” and inspired a newfound confidence in writing this blog.  On that note, an hour and ½ has passed since I started writing this.  Turning on spell check and grammar check was a real test and took up most of that time.  No one can say I am unwilling to change or improve though.  My original post to Facebook was going to be:

Today I am grateful for:

         1.   Being blessed with not knowing how awful my life was while I was living                   it.  Hindsight is an amazing buffer.

         2.   Having the will to fight becoming a product of that torture and examples in               place to give me direction and inspire me to rise above it.

         3.   A heart that continues to over ride my mind, pushing me to keep helping                  others who are enduring the same or worse, instead of focusing on me.

         4.  All of the people I call family/friends who continue to inspire me.

      The only thing I could want for is the faith that there is a God and He would protect us from suffering.  That is a whole other 3-hour post for sure.

When you haven't opened mail in months start with the junk mail........

,I opened and envelope tonight, haven't opened any mail in about a month just haven't wanted to deal with any of it. Mostly the medical bills. From Tori almost dieing, my leg (took 3 months to get any notice I owed anything for those visits and yes in the "olden days with Maricopa County and BCBS I either paid $10/doctor and $5/prescriptions or I paid nothing just gave them my card.). I thought it was BMG that old company that would front you music and videos (another funny long story)

THEN I see it, it's addressed to me first line, Tori my 10 year old on the next line like its a joint account or something. Nothing about the letter is familiar at all just says, Tami Jo (uh yeah i used that name never)your creditor, __________has assigned your account to us for collections. None of the dates or reference numbers, addresses match anything familiar and no company I have heard of, Guess it could still be the music vendor but since Tori is on it I can assume it is related to her hospital stay. Says I have 30 days to of course pay them, dispute the validity of the debt or it is valid AND THEN THEY will get a valid copy of the debt and file a judgement.THEN in 30 days they will "PROVIDE ME WITH THE NAME OF THE ORIGINAL CREDITOR, IF IT IS A DIFFERENT CREDITOR THEY WILL TELL ME.. HMMMMMM,

So lets go back to the 4 day hospital stay when Tori almost died. We hit the urgent care, 2 hospitals, 1 ambulance ride we had no choice but to take, and 4 follow up doctor visits x 3 kids. which we had to take out a $350 loan for because it wasn't payday, that was for urgent care and 3 doctor visits.

So now i have to respond in some way (or not, 20 years cleaning up my credit and now this shit). All I foresee immediately is people getting these letters in 100x the capacity that we have know before. from companies that don't exist and that is just due to having health insurance. My minor child should not even be mentioned on this paper. Period. She is 10 and can't even work to earn a living or make her own medical decisions. back the fuck off. then no itemized billing with dates and proof I actually owe something?? really, and that is legal? If i actually owe you money by all means map it out for me. How the hell did we get ourselves in this mess? I can't call Experian and say "so and so has sent me a fraudulent bill, if they attempt to report negatively on anyone please alert everyone and don't allow them to report to you.....

Working Out the Bugs aka Airing Out My Head

STARTED THIS ON FACEBOOK LAST NIGHT SOMETIME BETWEEN 10PM AND 12AM. JUST LEFT IT SITTING ON MY WALL UN POSTED, LINGERING. Figuring that sometimes my baggage is just too sad for some people to even have to read. Figured here the whole universe can chose to read it or not... May not be the best route either but most of the time what is say is truly meant to be screamed at whatever powers that be that can or will help or care.

Had thought earlier about finally doing something in this "blog without a cause" or "rant without a reason"......lol. Still trying to find and keep my sense of humor as I slowly die inside. Missing and feeling i have failed my oldest child. Feeling bad for the other three and licking my wounds as a lifetime of liars and lies seem to become my harsh reality. My head is not filled with the usual barage of ideas, thoughts or pre-planted wisdom from others, but a place filled with harsh truths-- I was too naive to hear or too stupid to realize, play over and over.


NOW BACK TO THE "THIS", the never seen on Facebook, facebook post.....

And just when i think i couldn't be more sad, my husband careless corrects my math helping me realize that i had been stuck on 9 years for some reason, Tawni has been gone since 8/13/2004. OMG. and that is 12 years of making slow progress while jobs, and landlords, and lord knows who screwed us over, stole from us and we kept trying and staying close. Not some bullshit get her back screw up, start over constant, slow tedious painful progress and having her emotionally and mentally tortured for getting near us. GOD DAMN IT OR BLESS IT give me my child.

Now 2 hours after starting this, I will close again for now. I feel like I could write for hours, but knowing it would have no direction or purpose. I'm not so big on purpose, as direction, for my own sanity really. I have been told that I "do say things that inspire feelings in people, or thoughts they hadn't processed or given them a message they needed to hear". That freed me from the obsessive desire to save the world and to just write. What holds me back is the inability to make it all "usable". To express myself without so much explanation. Maybe even understand me. Leaning now toward explaining me to my oldest child. And her sisters, really, but idk.

I never wanted them to know the sadness i have known, their pity is not my goal either. I didn't want them to know the reality of how awful both sets of grandparents truly were and are. Then I think, they chose that path not me, an I hope someone gets pictures of it-----wow that came out of left field, anyway......more to come, or not. Sometimes I just start typing and words and paragraphs come out that i am barely aware of what i write. I don't know where the words come from, I just let them come, usually it is something positive (I hope) for someone in particular. Sometimes I don't remember writing them...

lastly the "things that go bump" in my house are back again. Not just noises or missing things, this time actual proof, but will save that for another time and hope it is figuring out what all of these things mean, if anything at all

May 30th 2014 and 2016,

Well, thanks to Facebook "Memories" this may all get pieced together faster than originally anticipated.  Some of it anyway.  Or I will copy and paste and ramble on for a few days, then quit for 6 months, hard to say.  If I try to force the writing it has no meaning or clarity to anyone, so I don't, most days I want to but don't.  I keep hoping I will figure out some "gift" or ability or some reason why or how I "know things".  I wanted it to help find out who murdered my dad.  Not necessarily for the recognition, although 5 min of fame would be interesting, but mostly because someone needs to be locked up for it.

Well anyway, facebook two years ago,

Tami Tillman

May 30, 2014 at 6:21pm  

I felt the need to explain me a little since everyone has been worried. I post trying to find answers to what goes on and forget you all don't always know what the hell is going on. 

I promise if I am ever so "mental" that I need help or my kids need help I will personally ask anyone or everyone for help. 

1st I promise to write the book someday soon about what happened with my oldest child and the series of unfortunate events, horrible people and unexplained anomalies that can ruin someone's life and no one would believe even with witnesses. 

2nd, I have through hindsight, trial and error and my current husband witnessing--had the misfortune of realizing that when someone I care about (which now means a list of about 350 people) is dying or having something so monumental going on physically that I "know it", feel it, act it out (for lack of a better explanation). IE: the day my sister was arrested I was hysterically worried about her, which is only a mild explanation of what goes on with me. Pretty hard to describe. 

Keeping it short, haha,  I will leave it with the worst of all of the experiences being when my dad and his wife were murdered. I was attempting to move in an apartment in Phoenix after being on the streets, literally and was an emotional wreck.  I kept calling my dads' house and needed to get a hold of him with an annoying fierceness I had never felt before. Figured out in hindsight, by piecing together the timeline from reports, the police etc. we determined it was while the act was being committed. It left the police believing I was a suspect (I later found out). 

So sorry if I worry you. I am actually so worried about everyone that I am trying to figure out what is up. That is also why I ask what's up with all of you. Trying to match my "symptoms" or thoughts to someone I know and/or love suffering somehow or near death.   If you weren't sure before, know that I care about everyone more than is humanly normal. I have also been known to pass along (in my silliest Veggie Tales voice) a message from the Lord when someone is feeling lost and alone too. (I assume that's where it comes from, need to write THAT book too, just collecting testimony for now). 

So keep me or delete me but don't worry if get emo, just know it will pass in a day or two. This time the husband was seriously in the dog house which doesn't help the emotions much but when these episodes happen this house is usually under some spiritual "attack" and we are human and fall for the b.s. some times. It's been about 7 years since he (husband) really blew it, so what can you do, meaning decided to use the episode to start a fight between us so he could have a reason to leave.  <3

Just a Little Insight. Should Have Started This Two Years ago.......Better late than never.

Tami Tillman shared a memory.

May 29, 2016  Just realized this was exactly 2 years ago.  Interesting· 

Well imagine that, I wrote something I liked reading later. It still applies. My proofreading skills or lack thereof, seem unnecessary thank god. Hell I may learn something from what I write. When I do at any length I truly go outside of my heart and mind and it just flows through me. Didn't realize until someone said i sounded like, Erma Bombeck (maybe), and when I went back to read what it was I didn't even remember writing it, at all.

Tami Tillman

May 29, 2014 · 

I was going to post something sappy yet 1/2 comical (which pretty much means jumping off of something is off the table for today....in front of something still lingers: o) then I decided to take a shower.....Since a little episode back in 1997 I do my best thinking there....anyway I was going to look for my happy pills and now have decided to ride this one out.

 Expecting it to be an E-ticket ride (if you don't know don't ask, you are far too young and probably hot, you'll just make me feel old and I will cry). The part that stuck though was........(if I stay on here surfing the feed I cry so humor me) If you have a minute, please wow me with something wonderful or amazing that happened to you today, or any other day. Or if you are having a rough day park your butt here and watch and see what "they" have to say.....I finally remembered the best part of my life was when I was probably single, had some mediocre job that I loved too much and a car I couldn't afford and lots of people to watch. When I resigned myself to the reality that "those things" and "those lives" weren't for me--I would ruin them. So I would just watch and listen to people being happy, doing things, seeing things, loving and living and didn't complain or talk about me at all. I just got to enjoy seeing people happy and the fact that I was blessed with being near those people was more than I was entitled to anyway.

 If you are feeling at all sad for me or a glimpse of pity--kick it to the curb--take this whole post very literally and with less emotion--that is my job--I have had it since I was 7--hell I could drive a Scout, shoot a 357 and a semi auto with barely a bruise by then too so I can't be quite as emo as I often appear right?

 Oh yeah, finally almost started the blog too, of course I'm all OCD over it already can't decide on a background picture for the damn thing, but also rapidly gaining speed on how to put it to work for me too. by "partnering" with businesses for commissions on ads etc. Exit the ride to your left please and thank you for keeping your arms and legs inside the ride, Lord knows if you were injured the guilt would eat me alive and I surely can't afford the insurance!! Off to bother you all with a big girl question.