Just When It Seems Safe To Go Back Into The Water.......

This was my facebook post a few minutes ago...

kinda wishing for a day to just sit and hang out with you all here. without it meaning some other part of my life will fall to pieces for not doing something productive to save my ass. i know that was filled with holes, but anyway. making some progress and literally having shit go wrong---big difference now? foundation is a little more firm, I am a little more confident and honesty trumps B.S. if you are on the right path. (i think lol) anyway. glad you are all "here", I appreciate you all and all of your influence on me. I finally started the crazy blog. I'm not nearly ready to put up a link and neon signs, but mostly trying to air out my head there. subject myself to strangers opinions and try to roll with it. It is never really OK to verbally abuse people especially kids, but I WAS raised by the"hey fat ass" diet (for 1) keeping me skinny for years. Maybe a few (hey dumb asses will polish this diamond in the rough and I can finally feel "normal" soon. <3<3<3, (little example--got written up today for taking an extra 13 min. break....I didn't. My phone logs me in and out and I was logged in and taking calls, watching it showing me on break and turned in the anomaly to my boss prior. Felt like a kid when i wasn't allowed to speak up. Called the guys in IT. Not fired and not freaking out.)

Copied it here to work on transitioning my life of crazy "coincidences" and unexplained occurrences out of my support networks direct path so I don't bring them down.   Don't get me wrong, I still need them, I just need to figure out some of this alone.  Or at least give them arrest.

It is 10:30pm and I have a 7, 8, and 8 year old still up.  Finally being so tired they almost have to follow my lead.  I have too much to say on this whole subject and too much more I will never understand.  This all seems so hum drum now, but that is only because I "self talked myself almost to sleep".  I am on the borderline of having an ulcer or a heart attack so I have no choice.  They don't believe they are literally killing me every time they refuse to do what I ask or listen to anything I say.  Yeah, not much of this sounds normal, I'm not sure it ever will to anyone else.  However, I don't know anyone else personally that talks to dead people and can catch a liar at the drop of a hat without "investigating" anything.

Like Ripping Off A Bandaid. Don't Over Think It Just GO!

This should at least make moving forward in a semi-coherent way a little more possible.  Haven't been posting due to STILL being sick, the new work schedule transitioning and mostly due to no time to myself to think, much less write.

I just arrived here tonight and decided to let this thing "go live".  Basically left it open for the world to see.  The band aid reference is now making more sense to me.  I kept trying to erase the title and come up with something else.  Yes, for hopefully only a little longer, you will start to become aware that a lot of what I say (or type) doesn't come directly from me.  Well not my conscious mind anyway.  Probably not my mind at all.  Along with today being the first time anyone else can read this, today was another big first, trying to specifically talk to someone who has passed away.  I have basically, it would appear, been letting "them" talk through me for some time.  Whomever "they" are remains to be seen.

Wow, if you're even still here, the band aid reference suites this to a tee.

I have a whole life full of eerie coincidence, unfortunate serious of events and a boatload of hindsight to try and make sense of.  Compiled by the daily "attacks" on this family and trying to determine the reason for them.  Followed by the need to make sense of all of it and come out the other side with a feeling of accomplishment, purpose and tapping any potential I may have to save the world or at least make it a little more bearable for someone who might be suffering.

Of course I immediately dozed off at my desk after that small outpouring of my craziest thoughts and fear of talking in front of groups.  lol.  

Have to get my kiddos set for bed and read the directions to a coffee tasting study I am doing online for cash.  Picked up the coffee at fed ex and don't want to fail straight away.

Had much more to say to keep it interesting but there are my bundles of joy.  Not following directions, not-not arguing, not-not yelling from the other room and not making me feel great much less not allowing my creative anything to flow here.   

"Oh Ye of Little Faith" Yet Once So Full of High Hopes......

My morning started off early, reading Facebook posts and catching up from being sick and working.  Going a little nuts as I still can't hear.  Found a silly quiz which led me to a blog.  So I wrote a note there for some publications and the note and the blog are below.  I of course didn't get explicit permission to re-post however i did copy her copyright and credit the author below, for those that it matters to.  

I am still working on finding the creative way to insert something to show all I go through to put my thoughts on "paper" or just clearly get them out of my head.  I had to take a nap in between paragraphs.  I was up way too early and am still getting over being sick.  I rarely sleep and guess it was time to catch up.  Now If I could get my husband (idiot) from screaming like a girl and waking me up.  I was getting ready to try and go to Prescott to have my record cleared by court (a very long story that will eventually be written about) and was going to try and bring my Julie (passed away on 12/25/2014) to her Dave.  Having been so sick I thought I was going to join her literally cleared by heart and mind and I am hoping I have not lost whatever gift I was barely beginning to understand or use.  So back to my nap.  Here is the message I started to leave on the wall of the author below.  I shortened the message to the first 4 sentences and and the rest I brought here.  Since she would surely not have any clue what I was rambling about.  

I was taking a silly Facebook quiz, it said my spiritual gift was compassion, I was looking for the definition and to see if it was indeed a spiritual gift.   A Google search brought me here.  I attempted to request your application on "how to know God's will.  It stated it was no longer available.  Your explanations restored my belief that I may actually serve a purpose.  I guess I am now writing in an effort, that I try to just forget about, to believe there is a God-that there is a plan--and how to know what it is.  Considering my childhood, well most of my life really, accepting that there is a God is not easy.   Actually I always believed there was a God.  I was made to believe He could see me and bad things happened to me because He thought I was bad.  For years that was fine, sad, but ok.  I did learn to be happy for other people.  In turn believing that He could and would protect the innocent, perform miracles, answer prayers---for people who deserved it.

This was the page I found for definition of compassion.  It describes me to a T (pun intended).  Now maybe I can work on figuring out what it is all for.  God's so called plan? When did I become this way?  Did I choose to be this way?  Did someone or something choose it for me?  Or are you born with such traits or are they nurtured?

1

Spiritual Gift of Compassion

Compassionate people are another of the serving gifts.These are people persons, quieter and less outgoing than those with a speaking gift of perceiver, teacher or administrator. The gift of compassion includes an almost supernatural sensitivity to the emotions of others. These people get upset when a baby bird falls out of its nest and is grabbed by the neighbors cat.
This unique sensitivity makes them apt to feel wounded or offended easily and they cry over everything. Correction and criticism that would not faze a teacher or administrator  will break the heart of a compassionate person. They live through their feelings. If they feel sad because they weather is rainy, even the excitement of an upcoming vacation probably won’t lift their spirits, because by golly, they feel sad and so it’s a sad day. They need to know that feelings lie, that we can’t base our decisions on how we feel because we’ll make some very bad decisions that way.

In the body of Christ, compassion people are the glue that helps us stick together. They reach out to hurting people, they notice when someone hasn’t been to church in a while and will call them to see if they’re okay. They can sense, in a room full of people, the one person who is feeling lonely and sad. Now, if their gift of compassion has been recognized, appreciated and encouraged, so they have sufficient sense of self worth, the compassion person will reach out to a hurting person with God’s love and comfort. If their gift has been ignored or ridiculed, or unappreciated as a child, they will not understand the importance of their gift and they won’t have the confidence to share it.

More than any other gift, compassion people need to be built up, encouraged and showered with love and hugs. They need to know they are NOT being overly-sensitive when they cry over every little thing. They certainly need to learn some perspective about over-reacting, but they should never be told their feelings are wrong.

Descriptive words:
Sensitive
Love everyone
Hurt when others are hurting
Exceptionally shy
Dislikes confrontation
Quiet
Poor self image
Kind
Needs lots of hugs and affirmations

Copyright © 2015 Susan Scott · Dream Whisper Designs 


And I am off to finish my nap. Or try to anyway. Had to wake up my husband to take his niece to run errands. She apparently is living at his parents house now too with her 4 kids. She is the one who babysat our oldest child when Tony's parents were to have had her for us temporarily. She somehow ended up pregnant at 16 when she was to be watching our child. (that was August of 2005 yet another story to be told in length later).

I Honestly Didn't Think I'd Still Be Here.

I'm not 100% by any means.  A few days ago I expect to be here at all.  Not even sure what hit me but feeling like death was an understatement.  Late last night I was able to sense all that makes up my mind and heart returning, well my mind anyway, not sure anything has been near my heart in years.

Had so much to say earlier.  Then my day fills with kids and husband, bills and emails, and I don't get much of a chance to pour out my heart and soul onto paper.  I so need to so I can sort it out.  Guess this is a very boring start.

Was too excited that my new position at work was ready to cater to my schedule needs.  Remains to be seen since I had to call in sick.  Just can't talk for 8 hours coughing my head off and struggling to talk.

In hindsight, something hit me last night like a ton of bricks, a sudden sense of "stick up for me because I have ground to stand on".  That is new.   It was "matter of fact" instead of "based on so many facts".  We'll see.

If Memory Serves Me Right....

This is always the "way of the blog" or diary or journal, whatever.  I have some epiphany of great proportions.  I have a head full of memories and ideas.  A heart either full of love or heavy with burden either inspires so much.  I think I have found a reason, a purpose, a direction or a sign for any of those and BAM!!!  I am sick.  If not sick than the husband is causing some drama (or just being evasive enough to require too much attention for no reason) or the girls are fighting or WHATEVER.

I will not give up this time.  I finally have this here.  Whether or not I ever let it go "public"  will  remain to be seen.  Whether I live long enough to have any of it matter will also only be proven in time.  

Just finished training at work.  Sunday will be my official first day of AAA membership services customer care.  Thought Toys R Us was "my place".  Starting to feel that AAA may be served the same.  Don't know.  It is really the first time my surroundings seem to show me that I am to be there with this group of people.  It is the first time my mind tells me this instead of my heart or my gut.  None of which I can technically feel anymore for various reasons.  

Note to self, wondering why in school as a child we were asked for our 5 or 10 year plan?  In AA/NA we are taught to take it "one day at a time".  In church we are told things will happen in God's time.  We are constantly affecting by the timing of others we are close to.  How is one to determine what "time" they are to follow?  Without a 10 year plan I feel irresponsible.  Considering God's time I feel left behind or possibly way too far ahead.  AA/NA they tell you 1 day at a time so you can fail and forgive yourself the next day.  

The kids are far too quiet so I better exit the "office' and stretch my swollen legs.  Head cold is not helping either.  As always there will be more, until there isn't.

No Time Like The Present......

Well I had to start somewhere, at sometime, right?

I have missed the boat hundreds of times trying to get something started.  Something to somehow make sense of "it all".  There is so much to make sense of I suppose.  It would be nice if I could just scoop it all under a rug and start right now, from today, and have an explanation for anyone that made coherent sense.  Of what?  That is a whole other mess. 

See my dilemma?  I suppose it would make more sense to pick a subject or topic.   Expand on that.  However that is the problem. I know something I know, or see, or have done, or whatever means "something", it has to.  If all these thoughts, and conversations, and feelings are all just a mishmash of crazy, delusional babble?---Well, they just can't be, because otherwise it was all for nothing.  Then that s.o.b. who told me I was good for nothing, would accomplish nothing and become nothing except a waste of air would be right.  So I am going to go through them.  Whether or not anyone ever reads this will be another thing.  Whether or not it ever amounts to anything will be yet another.  At least I will have tried.

I'm still going to have to pick a direction.  Either, story of a tortured soul--what one human can endure without completely losing their mind.  Or, story of a psychic in the making, how she solved her fathers murder and 100 more cold cases or child abductions/missing persons.  Possibly "Empathy for Idiots" how to take on the pain, suffering, and death of others without their consent and without actually helping anyone.  Or "Tell tale signs your child is being abused-unfortunately your own inability to avoid abusive relationships allowed it to happen".  Not very nice but true really. 

Fathers Day

Well, that's a start.  Laughing.  

I started this blog approximately June 2014.  It was, I think, the last of many I attempted to start about a year ago.  Same idea at that time, to air out my head, put it all on paper and attempt to utilize a new found idea for earning a living--adding website links to a blog page to generate income when people used the links to shop.  Of course the original thought was Best Buy, Inc.  Where I worked from home doing customer service and computer sales for the holidays.  

So yesterday I posted my first ACTUAL post.  I figured i would come back here later and see what my original attempt was comprised of.  It was sitting under drafts for over 6 months.  Considering the title "Fathers Day", I assumed I had better be prepared for whatever I had written as, history shows a long laundry list of unofficial, unpublished, unseen by any other human type posts in "draft" boxes.  The are usually at minimum a page long full of things that needed attention at a later time when I was feeling "sane" and/or not so emotional.  I am even still feeling a anxious, laughing (always at myself before anyone else gets a shot, and I think my "white flag" way of saying "I'm nuts, but have a big a heart and a ton of easily crushed feelings" so go easy on me or I will cry) and guess what? Nothing--not one single word but the title!!  

Currently, 7-8 months later filling in the space with this!!!  

Taking a moment to remember why the day was emotional that it left me speechless.  Insert a short pause for reflection here.......I will have to think up a creative way to describe those--- minimize the actual words yet allow a "normal" human to experience how much thought actually goes into things before I write them or while I write them.  Sometimes a sentence takes an hour to write and loses the impact when only a few words or sentences are put in writing.  

So, "Fathers Day 2014", will be left for 2015.  I'm sure between this day and next year this time the significance will come to light.  With the father of my kids, my bio dad, my step dad and all the dad's that filled in the gap for them when I needed them, I'm sure it will eventually be very significant.