If only I were capable of one word replies. One sentence would even be great.

If only I were capable of one word replies.  One sentence would even be great.

The blog thing never quite takes off.  If I answer emails, talk to people in person or on the phone, or post on Facebook I am generally left unable to muster the energy to sum it all up in a witty synopsis for a blog.  However I will keep trying.  If nothing else, the quest to be well spoken, get my point across in few words, will be trying to be achieved.  I still may say something that inspires someone else who may have gone through life uninspired.  I can hope that I have something to say that matters, that makes a change in the world as it is now and who knows maybe someday something I said will be quoted by scholars or preserved forever in a Facebook meme.  Shooting for scholarly:  as I have always had a deep disdain for the word meme.  Lol. 

Today my replies to Facebook private messages were the forum for all the energy I had and thoughts and events of the day.  In reply to my conversation with my step-sister with regard to her maternal uncle in prison and our mutual hate of sicko’s in general.  Emails and posts have been edited to protect the innocent and spell checked and formatted correctly so they can be read and not judged laziness when talking in writing. lol.

This all had more meaning and seemed relevant this morning.  Day full of AAA, 1 van finally towed to see about repair, pick up glasses, pay bills, fight with kids.  Copying forgotten homework.  Signing up for band etc.  And finally listening to my usually gruff, grouchy, husband say "i know right?" to everything I say while wearing his new goofy glasses and playing on facebook.

Thank god. i met the lady who runs the websleuths site. It is cases that go unsolved or support for various victims. Though work. a mom had asked for letters to the parole board for her ex husband who only ended up with a 9 year out of 50 year sentence and they have let him go before the board for the last 3 years and will again until the 9th year when i guess they have no choice but to let him go. i decided to write a letter for her. I have coped for so many years under a brave face but as the years go on and my girls get bigger i am constantly hit with some epiphany or realization and thank god only few memories that inspire me to do something for someone. Writing that letter was hard as it was truly a realization as what is truly stolen from a child. i don't care who you are or what you have experienced but no one should ever minimize how horrible this crime is and how the ones who commit it are truly soul-less, heartless, criminals capable of anything since they convince themselves they have done no wrong. i hope they all die. Their very existence makes it hard to believe there is a GOD or if there is one what the hell his motivation is. Love you lots and lots.  8/19/2015 12:32pm.

Then the ones to my good friend

7/15, 8:23am Tami Tillman 

He never made it out of the house. He kept trying to call and duke wouldn't answer. In the interim my leg has started "leaking", I almost lost my job, had a blow out that i guess ended well with Tawni and now just trying to stay alive. I made bread and muffins just before work and intended to bring it to you and they ended up burnt and then I got put on blast at work. Still have the Wen for you and think of you every time I look at it. Tony has been working days and it is too hot to drive the damn car. I don't think duke has even called tony back since then, now that i think about it, i ended up talking to you first. Tony dragged it around a while and i apologize for not coming over with it sooner I just barely get out of my chair. My computer blue screened twice now. Last time black screen, still not sure how i got it back up but managed too. btw do you have a doctor or know a doctor that is 'hip" to thyroid issues, or circulation problems, or god only knows what? i don't even know where to start. Should probably just go to the ER first but I am so gross I won’t go anywhere. Told tony female exams are out I even close my eyes in the shower, no one else is going to look at this crap either. Lol won't go anywhere. Told tony female exams are out i even close my eyes in the shower, no one else is going to look at this crap either. Lol 

8/16, 9:15am Tami Tillman

Don't make me just show up and bang on your door screaming how you don't love me anymore. You know I will.......heart emoticon

8/16, 4:47pm Marce XXXXX

Yea, I know. A lot going on. We found out my brother has cancer. A couple friends died, my wobbly cat's, cat died after a $400.00 trip to the vet. I've been kinda looking for a car but can't get Duke off his girlfriend long enough to look at any of them. My friend that Duke hates found a girlfriend so I won't see him for the next few years and he's about the only one that knows me. I've been arguing with my sister. I want to move because I hate this fucking ghetto apartment but don't know about my sister living with me again, if I move, yet I really can't afford to get an apt by myself and it's fucking hotter than hell. I can keep going but I won't. So, how are you, Tony and the little ones? And you better go to the fucking Doctor! Do you have high blood pressure, diabetes? That would cause swelling.

8/16/2015, 4:48pm Marce XXXXX

Oh and I sleep 75% of the day away because it is so fucking miserable!

08/19/2015 11:42am Tami Tillman

I love you. You can tell me anything. You can come here anytime. the kids have pc's in the living room so you could come hang out and do stuff there late at night because we have "insomnia" I just had one of the vans towed to see how much to fix it so I don't have to be at the mercy of Tony's work truck I will get there. i know i have high blood pressure at least. It is probably mostly from the IUD getting fat and sitting at this desk all day. i hit my right leg and it split open it is finally getting a scab and healing. It’s gross being old period.

Then the one to my dead friends’ husband

 08/19/2015 11:32am Tami Tillman

About the same. Trying not to lose my right leg. Shooting for that hollow leg everyone kids about. Trying to get my vans on the road so i can go get my rights restored and go to court to get my oldest kid back before she ends up pregnant at 15 or worse living with those fucktards we call their grandparents. think of Jules all the time when I am going thru this shit as she was always there to listen as some crazy shit would happen like a failing UA's for drugs I never did or sitting in jail for warrants that weren't mine. Remembered the other day, holding her hand at the funeral and worrying i had just knocked her casket over. Lol. Any you and the tweek.she always had a story worse than mine or a duck story to tell me, crazy neighbor or whatever to make me laugh.

Then the one with my step sisters’ uncle

8/17, 8:30pm Winston xxxxxxxx

Don't see any FB post anymore from U did U break ur fingers???

8/19/2015 11:53am Tami Tillman

You are sweet. I think of you while i am playing my games i will see you post something and it pops up as a notice in my bottom screen. Was going to say I don’t' see you on the feed then realized I haven't been on here much. I got very sick, and also a good friend who died had a husband who was I thought a friend then took a verbal stab at me when he decided to be not so 'less than honorable" to her memory. So I shied away from answering posts. My emails each have about 600 to return from 4 boxes. i almost lost my job, so I refocused and had to put my all into that. No one could really help so no use posting really. AREN'T YOU GLAD you asked lol. I am a handful for sure. Think of you all often and would love to get out of az and come see D and meeting the rest of the family some day

I Often Wonder if My Thoughts are Similar to Others or So Far Out There That I'm Alone.

As I stood in the bathroom unwrapping a new package of "surgical dressing" to cover my "leg wound", I realized (quietly in my head to myself) "these are just glorified maxi pads".  Like you would purchase on the feminine isle for the same price but those boxes come with 5 times more.

Then before I can even turn and leave the bathroom, "the voice" in my head comes up with "wow, good Christians pride themselves on not being driven by things or letting them control their lives but supposedly being led by God.  The same thought leads to a hummm moment thinking how many people in my grandma's generation or earlier probably used the same piece of cloth or material for a billion different things without fancy packaging, marketing, all of the price differences and literal BS that goes with, lets call it "progress".   Truly seeming that all humans, intentionally or not, thanks to technology, truly are slaves to their "stuff".  We have come all of this way to take what worked fine for so many things, like a maxi pad, and revamp it so many times over that we can't decide half the time which one to pick.

This whole thought process now has to be summarized as the call came for me to pick up our kids from school as the husband can't be back in time to do so in his legal, air conditioned work truck.  I have to now in the unregistered, uninsured, dirty, old car with rare bursts of semi hot air.

Anyway, in closing, I had to wonder what people would be doing if that hadn't worked and learned and designed all new things, ways to use them and re-market them to themselves at ridiculous prices and spending more on packaging and advertising than they do on quality.

Luckily the neighbor interrupted to bring me some bread she had too much of and chat a minute.  I went to the back yard to pick up a few things and get food from the freezer.  No more time to ponder the possibilities of the universe and it's creation and progress vs failure and the bigger question......was there a "God"?  What are his "standards" for us?  When did he, or what event caused Him to stop caring what happened to us?  What happened to miracles and blessings and why does it seem the only real one's are seen by people who notice the smallest of things or actions or reactions to things because they are so desperate to find anything positive to hang on to.  The rest of the world just seems to go day in and day out doing what they do and living like no one is watching or cares.

Better head out or I will have to drive around the school 100 times to get at those kids.

Will ponder the husband thing on my way I suppose.  Married him with the understanding that I didn't want to have to beg anyone to hang out with me and I wouldn't stand for someone lying to me.  At this point I am realizing that he didn't so much love me as he didn't want anyone else to.  He doesn't want to do anything ever and seems to slow me down more than anything anymore.  Like the last tickets in the other van that ruined my 7 year streak of perfect driving record.  It actually would have been 10 now that i think about it.

A Letter to My Peanut.........

My oldest child is Tawni.  She will be 14 in October.  She went to live with her paternal grandparents for a temporary 2-4 weeks on Aug. 13, 2004.  For a moment I thought it was today. Today would have been about the day that we had to have everything out of my apartment.  I was driving a rental car as I had been hit by a drunk driver in my paid off Daewoo I had purchased with my inheritance from my murder father.  I had managed to keep her alive through kidney re-connection surgery, being hit in my convertible by someone talking on their cell phone while I was pregnant and lord knows how many other things.  I couldn't however keep her from putting a leash on the dog, climbing on top of a chair and letting themselves out the door of the hotel to look for her daddy who had driven to Phoenix.

This is the text I sent her tonight.  Tried to save it until the morning so she wouldn't think I was nuts sending it so late, but failed.  It started out a 3 sentence text.  I had to insist on going in to proofread.   I know now why I have never done that and just hoped for the best on the first try for everything.  The subject warned her to read this on a PC since half the feeling would surely be lost trying to read it on an ipod or phone.  I am still hoping that any of this inspires love and understanding and forgiveness and doesn't send her running from me or some alternative.  Tony's mom send another package of lemon cookies tonight.  That is what started this, i teased him that his mommy was missing him, I hope she is and finally feels broken and admits some of what she has done.  We are already losing Tony's dad, whom I used to love and respect, to the thinking that they have always been in the right to have kept her from us.

 To Tawni:
August 4, 2015 10:15pm
I love you---You should probably read this on a tablet or PC It's a novel--

 FORGIVE ME IN ADVANCE.  When I try to proof read I end up writing another page, so most of my writing will get a spell check and the rest just gets left so I don't write a book every time. After dinner and a conversation about switching your day from Saturday to Friday I knew I had better start writing this.  I don't know where or how to start...but for a few weeks have known I needed to and for years have held my tongue. I guess this would be how.  As you are nearing your 14th birthday and 10th year away from me I feel the need to tell you so many things but have never wanted to upset you.  I am hysterically crying after now hearing so many things your dad has just told me.  I guess he never wants to upset me.  I yelled at him for not saying things I ask him to say to grandpa.  Then find out he has but the replies would have infuriated me.  I have had that effect on people all of my life it seems.  They think they are protecting me from something.  Turns out today I realize that they are just keeping me from doing and saying what is right.  I honestly just realized how honest I am and I am tired of being the only one or being sorry for it. I could write you a book and just may later.  You are probably sleeping or getting ready to so for now I will say the only reason anyone ever had a chance to separate us was my fear I wasn't a good enough mother or would fail you.  Compiled by the fact that I was afraid of everything after my sister used my identity and I went to jail for it once.  Then Grandma Mary got a restraining order on me before you were born and when your dad was at my house she would call the police and say I was at her house.  I was arrested for that too even though your dad went to court with me and said I was with him.  I became afraid there was not even a God or that He wouldn't save me from that hell.  That and liars, manipulators and people who are no better parent than I am.  I made every choice possible to keep you safe and I could not tell you any of this until now out of fear of leaving you feeling afraid or confused.  If you ever feel ready to hear it all I will sit down and try to tell you.  Otherwise I will slowly piece by piece enlighten you.
 I am grateful you had a safe place to go.  Just know that every minute after 2 weeks became a living hell to include being drugged, sitting in jail, waiting at visits to see you and you never being brought there, watching as gifts were never given to you and things and people being manipulated so you would think we were horrible.  That in itself is a horrible thing for parents to do to their own child and his wife who were doing everything they were told to to be able to have a life with you again.  I love you and am told I see things thru God's eyes; He also speaks thru me as my heart wants him to.  I am also blessed with being honest and telling the truth all the time not only when it suits my needs.  I need you to know that I love you and the big wall that was built to keep me sane and calm when it comes to you is coming down.
 I want you to have every chance in life and have always been able to make sure you had everything you needed and wanted I just needed to own that. I miss you and would give the world to go back and have just grabbed you and ran.  It didn't seem smart.  I am now blessed with Robbie, whose life tells me I could have, and won't do it now but am here and need you to know much you mean to me.
 I guess grandpa said "she is at the age when she doesn't have to see you anymore."  The fact that the sentence wasn't "she is at the age where she could decided to come live with you" tells me It is time to start telling it like it is and was and letting you know that every time it was time to petition the court for you to be with me or us someone would lie, start upsetting you and even having you lie.  Why? idk.  But I am sure at the time they didn't factor in 4 small lives would be being affected by the whole dirty mess.
 I love you lots and lots.  I have lived thru hell and made it back by being honest and with God or whoever created us all behind me.  I am not going to give up without a fight and everyone has had the chance to clear their consciences and tell the truth.  They have all chosen not to.  So in the spirit of keeping you safe, happy and making sure you miss no opportunity and no harm comes to you I will be telling it like it is.  I will find out truths that no one wanted me to and I will be telling them.  I don't know where everyone will fall, even your dad, but I know I will be there and I will admit anything I have ever done wrong and try to make amends for it or at least be sorry for my part.  I won't be party to you being subjected to living a lie, or growing up thinking it is ok to lie.  I wanted so many times to just scream out when someone was lying or manipulating things but I risked looking unstable, upsetting you when it would have not made any sense and fear of being jailed and unable to be close enough to watch over you.
 There are actually plenty of people who may not be in the best places in their lives, but I do have witnesses to most of this mess who have been willing and ready to tell you any part of the hell I have endured.  Most have moved away still tell you any chance they get what is the truth.  Let me know at any time and I will put you in touch with them.  Including my mother, who doesn't really like me, but knows I am honest and what has happened.  That whole story is one I hoped to never share with you kids, but I will if it helps you know me and my love for you. YOUR MOTHER.  I love you.