My oldest child is Tawni. She will be 14 in October. She went to live with her paternal grandparents for a temporary 2-4 weeks on Aug. 13, 2004. For a moment I thought it was today. Today would have been about the day that we had to have everything out of my apartment. I was driving a rental car as I had been hit by a drunk driver in my paid off Daewoo I had purchased with my inheritance from my murder father. I had managed to keep her alive through kidney re-connection surgery, being hit in my convertible by someone talking on their cell phone while I was pregnant and lord knows how many other things. I couldn't however keep her from putting a leash on the dog, climbing on top of a chair and letting themselves out the door of the hotel to look for her daddy who had driven to Phoenix.
This is the text I sent her tonight. Tried to save it until the morning so she wouldn't think I was nuts sending it so late, but failed. It started out a 3 sentence text. I had to insist on going in to proofread. I know now why I have never done that and just hoped for the best on the first try for everything. The subject warned her to read this on a PC since half the feeling would surely be lost trying to read it on an ipod or phone. I am still hoping that any of this inspires love and understanding and forgiveness and doesn't send her running from me or some alternative. Tony's mom send another package of lemon cookies tonight. That is what started this, i teased him that his mommy was missing him, I hope she is and finally feels broken and admits some of what she has done. We are already losing Tony's dad, whom I used to love and respect, to the thinking that they have always been in the right to have kept her from us.To Tawni:
August 4, 2015 10:15pm
I love you---You should probably read this on a tablet or PC It's a novel--
FORGIVE ME IN ADVANCE. When I try to proof read I end up writing another page, so most of my writing will get a spell check and the rest just gets left so I don't write a book every time. After dinner and a conversation about switching your day from Saturday to Friday I knew I had better start writing this. I don't know where or how to start...but for a few weeks have known I needed to and for years have held my tongue. I guess this would be how. As you are nearing your 14th birthday and 10th year away from me I feel the need to tell you so many things but have never wanted to upset you. I am hysterically crying after now hearing so many things your dad has just told me. I guess he never wants to upset me. I yelled at him for not saying things I ask him to say to grandpa. Then find out he has but the replies would have infuriated me. I have had that effect on people all of my life it seems. They think they are protecting me from something. Turns out today I realize that they are just keeping me from doing and saying what is right. I honestly just realized how honest I am and I am tired of being the only one or being sorry for it. I could write you a book and just may later. You are probably sleeping or getting ready to so for now I will say the only reason anyone ever had a chance to separate us was my fear I wasn't a good enough mother or would fail you. Compiled by the fact that I was afraid of everything after my sister used my identity and I went to jail for it once. Then Grandma Mary got a restraining order on me before you were born and when your dad was at my house she would call the police and say I was at her house. I was arrested for that too even though your dad went to court with me and said I was with him. I became afraid there was not even a God or that He wouldn't save me from that hell. That and liars, manipulators and people who are no better parent than I am. I made every choice possible to keep you safe and I could not tell you any of this until now out of fear of leaving you feeling afraid or confused. If you ever feel ready to hear it all I will sit down and try to tell you. Otherwise I will slowly piece by piece enlighten you.
I am grateful you had a safe place to go. Just know that every minute after 2 weeks became a living hell to include being drugged, sitting in jail, waiting at visits to see you and you never being brought there, watching as gifts were never given to you and things and people being manipulated so you would think we were horrible. That in itself is a horrible thing for parents to do to their own child and his wife who were doing everything they were told to to be able to have a life with you again. I love you and am told I see things thru God's eyes; He also speaks thru me as my heart wants him to. I am also blessed with being honest and telling the truth all the time not only when it suits my needs. I need you to know that I love you and the big wall that was built to keep me sane and calm when it comes to you is coming down.
I want you to have every chance in life and have always been able to make sure you had everything you needed and wanted I just needed to own that. I miss you and would give the world to go back and have just grabbed you and ran. It didn't seem smart. I am now blessed with Robbie, whose life tells me I could have, and won't do it now but am here and need you to know much you mean to me.
I guess grandpa said "she is at the age when she doesn't have to see you anymore." The fact that the sentence wasn't "she is at the age where she could decided to come live with you" tells me It is time to start telling it like it is and was and letting you know that every time it was time to petition the court for you to be with me or us someone would lie, start upsetting you and even having you lie. Why? idk. But I am sure at the time they didn't factor in 4 small lives would be being affected by the whole dirty mess.
I love you lots and lots. I have lived thru hell and made it back by being honest and with God or whoever created us all behind me. I am not going to give up without a fight and everyone has had the chance to clear their consciences and tell the truth. They have all chosen not to. So in the spirit of keeping you safe, happy and making sure you miss no opportunity and no harm comes to you I will be telling it like it is. I will find out truths that no one wanted me to and I will be telling them. I don't know where everyone will fall, even your dad, but I know I will be there and I will admit anything I have ever done wrong and try to make amends for it or at least be sorry for my part. I won't be party to you being subjected to living a lie, or growing up thinking it is ok to lie. I wanted so many times to just scream out when someone was lying or manipulating things but I risked looking unstable, upsetting you when it would have not made any sense and fear of being jailed and unable to be close enough to watch over you.
There are actually plenty of people who may not be in the best places in their lives, but I do have witnesses to most of this mess who have been willing and ready to tell you any part of the hell I have endured. Most have moved away still tell you any chance they get what is the truth. Let me know at any time and I will put you in touch with them. Including my mother, who doesn't really like me, but knows I am honest and what has happened. That whole story is one I hoped to never share with you kids, but I will if it helps you know me and my love for you. YOUR MOTHER. I love you.
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