The Road to Hell is Literally Paved with My Good Intentions. I Continue to Keep it Well Maintained and Upgraded, Yet I Can't Use it.....

 I continue to risk looking like a fool and of course setting myself up for failure.  I am out of ideas and resources.  At the same time I have recently began to understand my (for lack of a better source to credit) god given gift and become more confident in myself and the decisions I make and my effect on other humans.

You would almost think by that statement that I am someone "important" or that I have decided I am.  My world is so small in comparison to some.  My good deeds could probably not fill a small bucket.  The number of people I encounter in a usual day is probably insignificant on a scale.  To me though, it is everything, and all I have the opportunity to do.  I take care in my words, my actions are rarely without thought when others are involved. I try to avoid being selfish or unfair at all costs.  I am no saint.  I could easily list deeds that would leave some wondering how I call myself honest, loyal, or trustworthy.  I have attempted to make amends for each wrong doing.  I will gladly look at my part in any situation and tend to blame myself first and usually let anyone else off without confrontation as my actions could have easily caused the negative reaction of another.

It is late and there is so much more to say.  Below is a 2nd request sent to the church of a friend from high schools' church for help with getting my vehicles running.  I am the unfortunate intelligent adult that has become reliant on cigarettes.  Payday isn't for a few more hours and I am out of them.  So I will attempt to sleep for a few more hours and will have to finish this later. Always hopeful that when I awaken the words will still flow from me or through me and I will get to make sense of it all before my time is up (eminent demise).  If I could find enough testimony to warrant trusting a higher power and living on faith I would ask to have the addiction removed and I could blessed with freedom from that interruption.  I would love to testify.  On anything to do with miracles, blessings and god.  I am stuck here though and only seem to testify in a court of law.  Which is another day, another post, another "ride on the crazy train" that still remains derailed.  

This is the second request for assistance:

I sent a request to be considered for assistance about a week ago.  A friend from high school (we're in our 40's now) thought you all might be able to help and I have run out of other options or I wouldn't be so forward as to ask.  I grew up in Ahwatukee and would have come in person but transportation is the issue.  I wanted to find out if requests from outside people are even responded to?  Both of my vans are at the mechanic now.  The first will cost $800 to get it on the road, w/air conditioning.  The second is being estimated now.  I will have $500 next week.  i can then also afford to get tags and insure it.  My whole story is so long and detailed that sit here tonight in tears trying to determine what to say in few words that will inspire someone to pray on my request, and although out of the ordinary from the usual way things are handled, find the confirmation that they need to see that without outside (from my current circle or family circle) help i will continue to lose a few battles.  For as long as I can remember, literally each time I prepare to accomplish necessary groundwork to return my oldest child to me, restore my legal standing to acceptable to pass a back ground/fingerprint card, and to complete the adoption of my middle children-twins age 8, by my husband and the only father they will ever know, and lastly to be able to travel out of state to address the murder of my bio father and his wife.  I have overcome so much in this life and continue to hope and try.  My church is not willing to help as my in laws are ministers of the church and continue to have custody of my oldest child, who will be 14 in Oct., whom should have been returned to my custody 9 years ago.  I have to stop there and hope and pray that I was lead here for a reason and someone will know my heart and that the only way this story can go from potential loss of my children or some harm coming to them to a beautiful story of miracles, blessings, and one persons incredible ability to overcome and years of paying it forward returning to save a family.  My worst fear in reaching out is that I have a step dad in the valley somewhere who, after being reported to the police (literally just realized the date) 20 years ago, is still here someone hopefully unaware that I have children at all.  My twins father is in prison and the best I can hope for is he is never released.  I am in contact with my dad's circle of friends who are not all far from suspicion as well.  With a little help I can keep my family safe, get on track to ensuring that, and restoring my position (for lack of a better term) in life to match what those close to me know in faith and on paper needs to be restored.  

Thank you for your time.  Your possible consideration. Sorry for the repeated request, I have a hard time restating the last 20 years of almost unbelievable "unfortunate events" and therefore have not asked anyone for help.  No one person I know has the resources to help with this and I can only hope to try again next year for a tax return to cover costs.  Last year the whole return was used to buy van #2 which left us behind on rent as well.  Thank you and bless you for your taking the time for me and my request to day.

 I have always hoped for a "normal drama free life".  Whatever it means.  How simple that it could truly be attained with a few thousand dollars and a vehicle that would run for little while without needing repair or maintenance or at least the cost of it.

When You Finally Realize and Accept the Gifts You Are Given, Yet Still Wonder What Exactly to do With Them and Who Gave Them to You........

POST TO MY FRIEND DIANNE THIS MORNING ON FACEBOOK OF COURSE. SUFFERING FROM PANIC ATTACKS IT SEEMS.  OF COURSE MY KEYBOARD DIED THE OTHER DAY WHEN SHE ORIGINALLY ASKED FOR HELP (WITH WHAT SEEMED TO BE) PANIC ATTACKS (ANYWAY).

 I tried to post to you the other day but my keyboard was fried. As to the panic attacks. The usual medical answer is a small dose of xanax. The best help I can offer is to call me anytime it happens. Doesn't matter where or when just call, I am very good at talking people down from this (comes from needing someone to do it for me). Or talk to anyone who is familiar and will talk to you "low, and slow and tell you you are ok". PTSD and panic attack advice is, if you are alone, find a focus point--your purse, a picture, your shoe and focus your eyes on it only and "self talk" out loud or in your head the details of the item while trying to slow your breathing. Until the feeling passes. Our miss Brutal Julie Lovelace-Ochoa used to help talk me down from these "episodes" when I was alone in the world and my over thinking brain, or unfamiliar surroundings and horrible people would get me "going". Can be caused by lack of sleep, too much stress, and figuring out I didn't have to have been through a war to have PTSD helped me work out the issues. Counseling helped. Medication helped. Having people around me who knew what was going on helped. Something as unobvious as a smell can trigger it or a place or a person. Being a strong, independent, caring female comes with it's share of shit you have no control over--like your brain and your heart just not being able to handle anymore stress for a while. I always wondered how anyone would know when enough was enough and couldn't take anymore--panic attacks are one way your body will just show you. They can feel like a heart attack, or even asthma attack, and what it does to your mind probably varies--for me it felt like (for lack of a better description) my brain was running about 10 miles ahead of my head and my vision would turn into a tunnel trying to catch it. I'm serious about calling me if you just need someone familiar to empty your head to or tell you reassuring things to calm you down. Get lots of rest. I had to start turning off my phone, the TV, anything that kept my brain an heart stimulated by outside things or bringing up memories. I posted this on your wall feeling like it was one of those times that someone else out there may need to hear(read) this too. I am always willing to listen or will help in anyway I can when anyone is going through this. I can't offer much help any other way these days, so I would love to hear from you and find my best asset is doing anything I can to save someone from anything I have had to endure even once. At least I served a purpose and am so senile anything you need to share or say is easily unloaded and forgotten. Laughing now, when i went thru the worst of these things I had only Elmer for support....I had said I was afraid I was crazy and lost my mind. His advice was "hey stupid if you were crazy you wouldn't know it". Just having someone say something so "abrupt and to the point" helped me to regain my will to fight it.

Prior to this, I was on the phone with another long time friend Jennifer, called me after I posted on her facebook last night.  Her page was odd looking when I was inspired to go to it.  I noticed (feeling like a stalker myself but rolling with it) that she had followers on her timeline.  Thought it was odd she would even allow it and especially one of the names.  Left her a hello, sent her a PM asking what was going on, and hoped she wouldn't think I was nuts or just nosey.  She burst into tears on the phone.  I have had this effect on people all of my life.  I am today, grateful for the gift of knowing when something is wrong with someone and delivering some kind of message that might help.  She will be deleting, blocking and removing those "followers" from her facebook page and God or Buddha or whom or what-ever willing she will be fine.  I wasn't thrilled at scaring her, but we have been friends long enough that she was able to calm down, tell me she was glad I said something and I will keep doing what I do and saying what no one wants to hear because I know and will remain confident that nothing would dare come through me trying to hurt anyone.

My oddest fear today is that the realization of my gift and/or the confidence in myself will be short lived and it means that my life is coming to an end.  I have had a couple of occasions where the "episodes" I have when someone is passing away came over me and at the end I was left with thinking the person was me.  No one I know of was dieing or dead.  One time I was given the words that I was next on my heart.  Nothing.....then Julie died, then Natalie.  I had a mild heart attack a few months ago and am not in the best health but am still here.  I am unsure of anyone gaining this and living to tell about it.  Will probably be inspired to start probing the minds of people---then stopping myself thinking good luck finding anyone who knows they are going to die and can talk about what they think or how they feel and before it is time to go.......

Most Positive Day In Months.......Had forgotten how good felt

So rarely happens, didn't want to forget to post it,

So a few weeks back I was job scared, freaking out, kids were not helping any and either was my husband.

Out of a list of 75 work at home agents my stats listed me as ranked 74.

This week due to changes, work at home agents have to bid for shifts. If you were in the top 15 you only had to pick 3 shifts and wait for the pick. Anyone under that had to bid for 15 different shifts and be prepared to work any of them in a week. I, being unaware of the shift bid due to days off, was extremely ecstatic to find the new list for the month of our rank, in my email---guess where I was--50th?? nope, 35th?? nope. Hell-20th nope. 14th!!!! 60 positions up. 60!!!! Up until last week I was still on notice that one failed call, one excuse for not being up to par and I was history.

Then I heard about shift bid, at the last minute my coach finally answered me as to why on the bid for available shifts my name was up top with about 12 other people, who had "special schedules" due to kids, hours, etc (mine was because 3 years ago when I went back to work I was unable to work more than 4 hours without having a nervous breakdown).

I get to keep my schedule, didn't have to bid, keep my benefits which take about 1/3 of my pay instead of 3/4(still really high co-pay but oh well) and moved my butt up from 74 and out of a job to 14 and not scared of getting a schedule i can't work.

Thanks to my friends at work, you all here(facebook), my kids and my husband. I already know exactly where I would be without you and I picked my butt up then too. (this just reminded me that today, oddly, I ended up telling a lady the "identity theft and mismatched fingerprint card and ten years to fix it" story----the 2 min. version that prompted her to stop feeling sorry for herself!) 

Facebook Can't Take Too Many More of These. Time to Quit Being a Chicken Shit and Post a Blog Already.

Well finally progress. Well in my strange little world anyway.

Sitting at computer, legs and feet swelling each minute. Kids in the backyard attempting to clean 3 months of dog doo that is supposed to be done at least every other day--not month. Mostly arguing and doing and saying anything to get out of it. Daddy getting fed up and me starting to freak out on new neighbors and how scary we both sound when yell to be heard and hell out of sheer frustration. I did "my thing" to come up with money for bills and to fix the vans and was about to just sit here and get upset.

New change for the day. Got up and got all the things I had managed to gather for such an occasion over the months. Threw some slippers on (previously accidentally figured out they help my creepy crippled feet when worn wet for a while and keep stickers out). and I hand washed the “felonywaitingtohappenmobile" (just remembered I need to swap the wiper blades). I wiped down the inside cleaned out the crap while listening to a neighbor practicing drums. Met the new lady next door; before she could form a horrible opinion by our volume. Waved hi to the neighbor Tony accidentally road raged on the way to open house at school and he said hi!

Also managed to work on the toy box; with the warped bottom. Pulled it off, rewet it, and put plastic tubs on it to dry. Now sitting at my desk mopping the floor under it with my new "multi-tasking" slippers (patent pending--ha) (those dry ones for dusting just seemed to dusty). Writing this while Tony takes kids to church (tried to pull a kid drama fit and make me do it--flat out told him no and they were all going cause I don't deserve to be punished.

Yesterday I watched a YouTube video on how to tint home windows since our backdoor is a half assed mess right now. Bonus was I watched the one on how to do car windows (still need to watch the one for back windows - no guys from Germany the tint doesn't go on the outside and it isn't that fast when you are tinting a yugo. Even I'm not that gullible. So I am thinking about finishing the mop job on the floor on my way to the box of tint the last tenants left behind and to redoing the back door and working on doing the car so at least it is clean and no so embarrassing to drive. Tint is pretty dark, might draw attention but hell the tags (that I managed not to look at the whole time)are at least 1-2 years out of date and I'm still here. Knock on wood.

That is my story. Should shed some light on why I have been a nutcase I NEED A VEHICLE THAT CAN MAKE IT 5 MILES SO I CAN GET THINGS DONE. Also to get away from this family long enough that they can use some of what I have been yelling since they were small and fend for themselves some cause we have somehow enable ourselves into a dysfunctional group of "I'M NOT DOING IT IF YOU'RE NOT, I'm not doing it at all, I’m going to do nothing and when I do I won't do enough to be appreciated or thanked" mess instead of the well oiled machine we should be.

Thank you for listening while I screamed, yelled, cried and did

everything possible not to succumb to being trapped in the house, fat and useless. Still have to get the money to fix the cars, but a little more inspired. I have been "working" on my dad's case, or bringing attention to it, I have been trying to get the vans fixed, need to get kids to dentist and me to doctor. I need to get to CA as well and MO after...

Wish there was someone content with sitting on their butt that would will me their vehicle so I could get busy running circles around someone. This is a waste of life. Fighting it until they turn me to ashes.

Thank you to my wonderful friend for inspiring me, taking the time to talk to me, helping me with some information and material (I think) to get my life a little more in order. Thanks to my husband for keeping a job, no matter what, and although you are a pain in the ass at least you chose the high road and are trying to achieve a 'normal' life for our kids.

This is the letter I just wrote to the detective now assigned to my dad and his wife's murder cold case.  I sometimes think of just having myself commited.  I wish there were someone out there or some way of figuring out what I know (when people die) and what I am supposed to do or what I am capable of doing with this "gift" (curse up til now).  It is maddening sometimes.  Try to understand, again, that I never proofread; never have or else I probably would never finish anything I wrote or would never send it.  Most of the time I don't ever send what I write out of fear of sounding nuts, realizing that I am nuts, or basically someone just using to prove I am nuts even though I am not.  Sad when your hum drum life has actually come to a point at any time where that I had to worry about someone lying about me and fearing being commited or jailed.  what the hell......

Just checking in.  Time ends up going by so quickly.  I would just like to ask that no more opportunities for outside help go wasted.  You all have done what you can.  Many men have gone on to bigger things and have been promoted, which is great, but I still need to know who did this and see justice served.  My father was no saint.  However whomever did this needs to be brought down, as last I knew no one on this earth  has a right to take another life.   Over money is also just sad.

My first real contact regarding this case was actually with one of the psychics who was on that challenge.  That in itself leaves me skeptical that I will ever receive straight answers from anyone.  I have grown tired of being polite and trying not to ruffle feathers.  I had a mild heart attack a couple of months ago, and more recently almost lost one of my legs, it is time to move on this if a suspect is even still living.

Please consider the outside resources, there are psychic shows, detective shows, but they need to be approached by your department.  I also have a lady from the websleuth's site who has taken an interest in this case and has been just working on looking at the connections between my dads group of friends and Joni and friends and family.  It might behoove someone to look at her "work". 

I know at least some time was wasted looking at me a suspect.  which is laughable considering my sister had used my identity and I lost everything and could barely find shelter much less hire a hitman.  However I will say, which I have not bothered before, that I was frantically calling my dad, probably while he was being murdered.  I have, in hindsight, and over the years realized when someone I love is suffering or dying I have the displeasure of physically feeling them leaving this earth and go thru some strange  physical, mental, verbal (lacking the ability to describe still) series of events that (at the time it Is happening) seem crazy.  Luckily my husband has been present during these episodes since long before we knew what they were.

Anyway, I have never tried to improve on these "skills" mostly out of fear that if I was able to know more about events surrounding these deaths, I would not be taken seriously or I would be considered suspect.  You probably think this is all nuts, but I imagine if I am writing it, it may become relevant.  I don't spend a lot of time talking if it isn't important.  Early learned skill when talking to men and "important"  people or people who's attention you want to keep.

Please, I beg you to consider other options, not to let another option go wasted (psychic who was going to look at the case  at no charge and spotlight in a  movie, and only needed to be in the presence of something that was at the scene when they died----IE: you still have the vehicle right?)

My motivation here is find who did this.  To find any and all "things" that were  my fathers that he worked for, earned, I don't care at this point if he stole them since he did pay with his life.  I don't care if all that is left is his drivers license, I want it returned to me and my family.  I spent my whole life trying to be enough to be in his life and that was taken from me and my children.  Joni has no legacy left and her belongings if only a drivers license don't belong in a cardboard box on a shelf.  Period.

I will end now as I don't even know where all of this is coming from--in the last 10 years I have lost more loved one's than I care to think of. So this is emotionally draining and I risk sounding like a head case.  Which I have fought for years.  The stress of this and so many other things has all but had me close to being committed before.  I just want it closed.  I would love to look someone in the eyes  and be sure that they know they had no right to take a life or two or hell 3 considering the damn dog never did anything to anyone.

BTW--the psychic said Joni was receiving phone calls "at night and no matter how much she medicated herself the calls were so disturbing she couldn't sleep".  Doesn't anyone know who those calls came from?  Or even what she was talking about?  Wouldn't that be enough to bring someone in for questioning?  Has anyone ever been brought in for questioning?  Stop worrying about ruffling rich feathers and start breaking these people down for what they know.  I can do it piece by piece, person by person, 1 question at a time, but they are getting old, forgetting details and losing faith.

thanks
tami tillman