I started the blog to get all of my "issues" at length off of facebook and intended on putting the link in facebook so if anyone wanted to hear the gory details they could choose to. Another friend thought I might look for a job writing for someone or something. Something I wrote "spoke to her" and she thought I might do the same for others. I also had the brilliant revelation that I could earn money by partnering with certain entities and posting their advertising on the page as well. Since then I chickened out of posting to facebook until the other day, a year later, I never found that special someplace that might find my writing enlightening and I am surely no "expert" on any one thing in particular at this point. I found I have to have followers or readers to request to "earn a living" by advertising and 1 reader won't get me there.
In the time since I started this page I have come a long way in my old simple life, by my standards anyway, if I reach outside of my box and look at the world around me I surely would have given up and considered myself a total failure. So I stopped reaching outside of that box for now. Writing about all the things that I have endured and overcome that truly would show my progress in life as huge success. However rehashing the details is defeating at the same time. Considering I was "the first one of my friends to have a job, a new car, and apartment" and I am now just getting a rented house, a very used vehicle and have a job that pays $10/hour, just those facts alone would imply that in 30 years I have made little progress at all.
Today I am just sitting at my keyboard typing and barely thinking it through at all, just letting the words come out and thankful for spell check that keeps me sounding a little intelligent. Too bad there isn't grammar check and punctuation correction for Emo's. As much as Word tries it just doesn't "get me".
Laughing to myself now as I think of my husband, who wasn't always so funny but that is another chapter, said to me one day "jesus don't you ever just think nothing?" then corrected himself and said "I'm so sorry it can't be easy to be you". We bought Dragon software for me, of course way after it was popular and found it on Ebay for pennies on the dollar, and then he said "it may be easier and accomplish more if we could somehow just hook up something to your brain that just typed it all out". But we certainly don't have the know how even if someone has the technology. Surely it will be patented and sold by Ronco or whoever does those infomercials these days and someone else will get rich off of it.
Now, living up to my "turbo tangent" nickname, I have lost sight of exactly what was going on here. It started as I sent an email to my oldest daughter who lives with her paternal grandparents at age 14. A whole long story that had better have a happy ending. But anyway, she is stressed and my emails to her, that seem too short and too late in coming, are stressing her out. She finally wanted to be here and spend the night and the pressure just as quickly sent her packing. So I write a note to her, then cut 3/4 of it out and have been saving the rest all over my computer. I know she will someday want or need to hear what they say though. Or maybe not but I need her to know. I never anticipated a mild heart attack at age 46 but that also inspired me to write things down somewhere my kids can find it in case I don't live forever. Maybe no one will ever care, but being a people watcher and being a person with feelings myself, tell me that they will need to know when they are older, some things.
Again, life interrupts, have to get to work and kids are actually trying to clean up the aftermath of our new bedroom furniture fiasco. Almost forgot the point today. Went to send Tawni an email (hate texting, probably because i never have less than a booksworth to say)
my new schedule at work has me off on Tuesday, Friday, Sunday and I work 4 hours on Sat. like 3-7. So I wouldn’t be on the computer when you arrived on Fridays. Also don’t shop on Ebay but occasionally now and just sell a few things on there. Wanted you to know if I “hide out” I just try not to smother you. I am quite emo and don’t want to annoy or embarrass you girls for the most part. l love you mom
Up to I love you, mom is what was sent. the rest was what was edited out. They pulled my husband into an impromptu counseling session one morning two weeks ago. The same counselor we used to go see every time we went back to court to ask for custody back (still have parental rights after 11 years, which gives us the right to pay child support and be ignored by the system, but who is paying attention) and Tony's mom would put the pressure on Tawni and remind her how awful we were and fill her head with lies and she would need counseling. Anyway, she mentioned some things that bothered her, so those are things I have been working on for myself, family, her or whatever because that is what I do. I am trying to minimize since I don't want to be the one that sends her over the edge. At these appointments we are told she had thought about cutting herself and was almost committed twice. They used to be able to blame us and being with us. The new twist is, after telling my husband that she had become suicidal after being with us he reminded them that she hadn't been at our house in over 3 weeks when these ideas and actions started. Somehow they still tried to overlook that fact, but it is way too obvious to overlook. Thankfully in a time of high emotions and drama for the rest of us he is able to focus on the details. I would have immediately started being sorry and thinking it was me---or maybe not now, but probably. I still haven't heard from her, I am the focus of all that is evil, and that is fine. I will fight it all the way and hope my child comes out the other side of this happy, stable and ok and stronger than I ever was at her age.
Whatever is wrong with me and this huge weight gain is being worked on, I am embarrassed of me and hearing you all making fun of some fat neighbor probably reminded me that hiding is better until I lose the weight or some of it. That is just my feeling on things. I was a kid once and I am very self conscious and not having insurance for years got me here fighting it all the way. I would love to talk to you about any of this and will always listen when you need to talk and you can tell me anything, you would probably be amazed what I have been through and I just don’t openly share all of it as I don’t want to traumatize you girls with my mess. I lived through it all and am fine considering and can help and don’t judge despite how hard I judge myself. Every day I work on being a better me. That is how I was raised. I was never told I was or did enough therefore I try to treat you all a little different so you can grow up balanced and secure. I have always feared that you would be lied to and never come back to me, but the good lord or whatever told me to just be me, keep telling the truth and fighting for what is right and you would see me for me and know what is right and decide for yourself what to do with everyone else. You have nothing to be guilty or sorry or worried for. We will fight for whatever you want to do or where you want to be. I cannot give up on you or stop fighting but as you grow I wait for you to tell me rather than rip you out of your comfort zone. I love you.
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