It's Going to Be One of THOSE Days.......(This was written a few hours before I was told my mom had died)

Have rewritten the header a thousand times.  Trying to summarize my life, what has happened and how the hell to move forward.  Posted on facebook, almost, and really just need a hug.  From an old friend or a couple of family members that I can still trust.  Everyone is so physically far away anymore and a hug and any words of inspiration used to keep me going.  Fighting.  Forgetting how awful it all was and managing to overcome or endure the most awful of circumstances.  I, since having kids, manage to even say something in my head, or on here, to get me passed the desire to quit.  Since quitting life is not something I think about doing by my own hand.  However at my age quitting has come to mind as letting "the elements" get to me and inadvertently ending the pain and confusion of everyday life, a mild heart attack will do that to you.

I got permission to be an hour late for work.  for weeks up to know they were giving people long lunches and time off without occurrence as the job is ending and we were overstaffed.  Of course today we all need to be there and doing as expected to keep a job and i need to be off.  I was supposed to deal with the finance company for this damn furniture or the furniture people or take a shower, and here I sit.

My header was going read something to the effect of God, is there one?  what is his plan? and overcoming the fact that for most of my life i believed there was a God and that everything bad that happened to me was a punishment for being bad and everything bad that happened around me was punishment for people who got to close to me because I was bad.  When I finally overcame those ideas I spent a lot of time just seeing the wonderful things he did, despite how horrible my life had gotten, i had no choice, focus on that or focus on the reality that somehow I had ended up with nothing and had nowhere to go and was starting to have things occur that would make God hate me and other humans not want to be near me.  So I muddled through only be left with the realization that if all along God wasn't mad at me, and wasn't making bad things happen that he then had to have sat by and watched as they did and did nothing to stop it.  Didn't warn me not go places, or deal with certain people or even give me choices prior to those things happening.  No smiting, or burning bushes, or voices in my head screaming "stop don't go there" or "do this instead" or even like other times when life is fine.  I would look for choices, alternatives, educate myself, ask question and still chose a path with absolutely no resistance to speak of or to warn me and no alternative when a choice had to be made or decision had to be made to move forward in life or complete a task.  Nothing, just straight into the fire and no consolation and actually even after feeling like I could overcome, fight the good fight, EVERY time I was left realizing what had happened, knowing to others it would seems impossible and watching someone get away with something and being able to nothing with any of it.  WHY?     

Going to leave my facebook post in full and put a link here. For I have nothing to fear but fear itself really.  I already know what the worst can happen is, being ignored, being deleted by my friends, being laughed at or mocked or someone who is intelligent thinking "why does this dumb broad think she needs a blog when she has nothing to say at all".    On the upside maybe my knight in shining armor will ride in a sweep me off.  Maybe I will win the lottery and just never have to worry about getting screwed over as I will pay cash for everything and be able to walk away and move to the next idea and return whatever i buy that isn't worth what i paid.  Or someone will just know who to call and how to help. (The finance company actually tried to with the furniture btw, them realizing how the store screwed me and probably them over, the fact that i was trying to be reasonable considering and trying to work it out but the store stopped that too.) 

Hopefully, because my knight will probably not be thrilled, at this point that i still haven't taken a shower......People do find me funny still, I try to, but sure wish now that I am laughing at myself that the whole mess was resolved with my child, her furniture, and a God== considering God is the only man humans will expect you to love, honor, trust and believe in when you have never met him, have never seen him doing the work we give him credit for, and trust without question.  100 years ago maybe, today, I say it sounds like a bad idea and you wouldn't suggest even talking to anyone like that. (age of technology)