I was then able to come up with that age old saying. Then feel comfortable that I do try to speak no evil. Leading to me hoping that is all I was to learn from this. That it was all I should "speak" about this. I laugh at the odd coincidence of the whole "experience" and my take on it. Laughing as I add this while proofreading, that I have earned the nickname "turbo tangent" and am glad to have turned being an emo, spaz, who fought depression into, at least something more humorous, and truly hope it is something more important. Then back to the realization that i may lose my voice next and a healthy grip on reality that says I should see a doctor. For now my eyesight is back and they can't very well test what ain't broken right?
Well back to the would be facebook post turned blogger moment simply to spare those who prefer to check on me one sentence at a time and can't or don't want to deal with "all of this".
Facebook was spared.......
Woke up with Tony to send him off to work at 4am. Then fell asleep on the couch. Sometime later woke up to the sound of kids arguing, imagine that. Tried to get up and my back hurt so badly I couldn't move and realized I couldn't see either. Just went back to sleep. Kept waking up and found my condition to be the same. Didn't say anything to the kids. Finally, about an hour ago (four hours on the couch) I told them to call their dad. I had to go to the bathroom. No choice but to get up.
Fought through the back pain and actually found that I do know where just about everything is in my house and a human voice, with my ears, can work like sonar to help keep me from running into everything. Anyway made it to the bathroom. Tori helped me find my coffee and luckily was nice enough to help me figure out the difference between my circle K coffee cup and the ashtray (that is a cup with a top) without letting me drink the wrong one. Cigarette is still hard to light, even though I could see bright white sparkler lights in front of my face, without your vision and a child you don't to get burned or have them practicing smoking.
Second cigarette and back pain is OK, and my vision came back. Still unsure if the vision was gone or lids wouldn't open. I was oddly totally calm.
My Tonni brought me a picture she had drawn prior to all of this. I recall her saying she was leaving it on my bed while I was on the couch. I turned to look at it and see the face with lips smiling and eyes were a line, closed eyes, but I laughed and said "could you please draw me with eyes from now on just in case? "Keep the smile and give me ears too just to be safe". I laughed, having previously fearing that things i said could possibly put a curse on people, and will keep an eye on that possibility.
Through so many years of paying close attention to what goes on around me, how I affect the world and how people are, what they do and say and what they actually feel, you name it, I try to pay attention to it all and have focused somehow on what they feel. How things that happen make them feel and how it affects what they do. I'm not sure why. (well i am sure but will intermittently revert back to all of that as I go along) I, now able to quote history, know I empathize, intercede, prophesy (carefully and quietly) for others, and I am realistic that I have my own share of medical issues and know a lot about stress induced everything.
All of this works well enough to keep me from having to go to the doctor. Which is fine with me because right now I just won't go or go anywhere near a hospital. I have lost faith in criminal justice system, the medical "system" and the government is close behind. School system too. I just felt compelled to share. I have this forum to hide behind a little better than facebook and also because some just don't "go there" with all of my wonder about God, and if there is one, and all of the unseen. Some will just say I need to go to the doctor and I will love everyone for their advice and experience. I am no scientologist, yet won't "go God" completely until I meet him. Will probably elaborate (i know can you imagine having MORE to say about anything?) on my "blog".
I, in hindsight, know I am forewarned of things to come. Combined with The absence of fear in my heart right now tells me, well, to be prepared. I try to be, and always think how others would feel, ask how others would feel in case I can't imagine, and am grateful for seeing again and that i could make it to the bathroom and to my desk, and my smokes, and blessed that I didn't have to have my kids type this and read me your responses and I try not to take any of it for granted.
That all took over 4 hours to write and edit. In a house with 1 dad who came home at 2pm to check on me, 3 girls on the first day of Summer Break and a crazy mom. We are still missing one 15 year old. Which may make it all crazier or even things out, but I hope we get to find out. I am a "fixer" by nature, so we may start going to the library so I can write fluidly and give a specified amount of time to it uninterrupted (or at least less than I am here) and regularly. Whether to empty out my head, ask for advice or possibly it will turn into my way to earn a living. Realizing that it probably never will. I am aware now that if was going to do anything and get rich or even just keep me afloat someone should have just picked something for me to do and pointed me in that direction. The woman who raised me "the best she could" has left me now and she told me "you can be anything you put your mind to or do anything you want". I could never do more than what was in front of me and out of desperation usually except to try and make it something worthy, help someone else doing it as that always felt better than doing things for myself.
Loving people is what I do best, but for now that as a paying job is illegal.
I was 1/2 raised by a family that taught me to find the humor in it all at some point as laughter feels much better than all hurt that reality brings and there aren't always answers for all the "why's" in the universe.
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