Merely for the Purpose of Not Sending All My Friends Screaming and Running Away.......

Would have been a Facebook post. But I was so up, funny, and in a "kicking it's ass" mood a few hours ago. Then the ugly dip down into depression I had warded off for so long. Well for the most part. The shock and haze I have been in for a year was depression equivalent I guess. But as soon as I shook it off my bff's step mom died and I got sick. So I was normal and back to fighting for about a minute, then ripped away again.

Anyway here's the post if you braved popping over here for the whole saga. I don't think I am looking for sympathy so much as screaming for answers, wondering why someone who wants so badly to do great things and be great and give her kids a great life, gets kicked down so hard? And also just leaving an explanation so those who cared won't wonder what the hell happened when 3 hours before I seemed fine.

Facebook 5/14/2017 605pm says: When I went to rehab 12 years ago I was put back on anti-depressants and thought I would always have to take them. Stopped taking them when my insurance ended about 5 years ago and thought I would never need them again. Today I'm not sure I have the energy to find a doctor to start up again or if it is even covered by insurance.

The Part I spared you from that transpired after the first sentence and in my living room and mind: Realized just the other day I had finally come out of a year long funk and was glad to be tackling life again. Now I'm back to freaking out about my mom and worried I'm next.

My house looks like a war zone, I'm afraid to eat. All my kids do is fight and Tawni told her dad in a text today that it doesn't seem like I love her. I thought I was going to be ok when I got out of the hospital. Picked up kids and they won't stop fighting and bitching and I feel like I am losing it.

I don't mean to depress anyone but I am freaking out. Guess right now I would call my mom and she would tell me that it could be worse, suck it up, she'd make the kids laugh and tell them to clean the house and it would be ok. If they could just be nice to each other and helpful I might feel ok. but they refuse and my head is spinning. I want to run but none of the cars run again either. God wtf. I need a hug. Missed going out with the husband last night, the rare night we get alone maybe twice a year.

I was going to file papers to get Tawni back this week but why subject her to this?

I just realized I left the hospital without the diet I needed because I just wanted to be free. When I was there alone all I could think about was my mom alone dying, and feared just succumbing to whatever they said and letting them cut me open, having to stay there for weeks. Remembering Marlene's face and her mouthing to me for help and I couldn't do a fucking thing. Most of my life I thought I should be dead, tried more than a few ways to make it happen, and now that I have made it this far I'm not ready to die and certainly not trapped in a hospital alone or in front of my kids. But if I don't I'm back to 3 broken vehicles, a huge hospital bill and a job that ends next month and no new job yet. oh yeah and a ungrateful rescue dog that just cost me another $100 in shit she chewed up.

Being depressed is 10 times harder when you were relieved (spell check can't even spell that word fuck) of the curse and couldn't do what was needed to keep it at bay.