Was wondering why "the powers that
be" can't seem to see fit for me to be able to bust my ass and live a life
where I can do something good? Afford to
get on a plane and see my bff when I need to or wanted to, or show up when my
mom is dying without anyone being able to stop me because I don't have to ask
for help? Or visit more with my best friend’s
dad and step mom before she got sick and died.
Basically just not feel like a burden and possibly get to have “enough”
to give to others instead of being needy.
Literally get knocked down every chance I get try to get up. Finally get
back to school and collapse a lung. Work a job that is literally slowly killing
me, because having the resources to drive to a job escape me, to keep the
insurance that barely covers the cost of the medical bills to keep me
alive.
Then on the top 40 radio station they are
talking about how great Taylor Swift is so great for lending Arianna Grande her
plane to get her mother and her back home to Florida quickly. I'm sorry, if I had that much money and a
plane I'd be getting dead bodies to their families, and finding out what else I
could do to help those who probably struggled to afford the concert ticket.
Funny, it took three edits
for me to see the irony in my wish for the money to buy plane tickets and take
off work and the newsflash about Taylor Swifts’ plane—sadly there is nothing in
either post that gives me hope or answers.
It tells me that I aspired and worked to be able to afford the plane,
accepted that maybe only the plane tickets were in the cards for me and now
left with the feeling that I was never worthy of any of it. Where others find faith, I find the feeling
of giant fist pounding me into the ground (figuratively) and stopping all
efforts I make to be at least financially in charge of my own life.
I know I won't be too upset if I find myself without an
interview today for a new job. This one ends at the end of the month and yeah
it pays for our insurance, but it is over rated. We both (the husband and I)
feel like the current insurance is just screwing with the natural selection
process anyway. Yeah we have it, but it just allows us temporary medical relief
and has sustained the life of Tori (11 year old twin) and I each once, but has
racked up a huge debt we can't afford and if we had to pay for the care in
advance we both wouldn’t be here because the insurance takes most of my
check. Then I spend most of the day
dodging phone calls from collectors who act like I am living high on the hog
and just not paying them out of selfish spite.
In my “over stimulated” always “trying to
find the connection” and looking for “the signs” mind I hear that old drug
commercial, "work more to make more money to do more drugs to work
more" but you can change the word drug to anything and it's just as
relevant and crazy and sadly defeating when you never ‘reach the golden ring”. Well in a midlife crisis anyway. While you
are living it it’s more of a challenge to rise above crazy and work less
because you did more and only aspired to relax for a few minutes and not fear
poverty and devastation at every turn.
I Never expected on trying this hard to
do or be anything and my life ending wondering what the hell it was all for, or
why I kept fighting so hard to try and rise above, all for nothing. Life was
much better when I still had hopes that I would leave this world with people at
least able to say “yeah she lived life to the fullest and helped people do
_________” or “she was honest and it paid off by___________” or “sad she’s gone
but she was able to leave her kids _______”.
Or “how exciting her last day on earth was spent at Disneyland with her
kids after a trip across the USA in a Winnebago meeting everyone she became
friends with on Facebook and people she hadn’t seen in years, spreading her moms’
ashes on a warm beach in the Bahamas”.
Not, “her fat ass had to have Mexican food from Valle Luna twice in one
week and after yelling at her kids to do their chores and being ignored, had a
heart attack after her intestines leaked poo into her body and they had to cut
the roof off the house to get her fat ass out and no one could afford to
cremate her so we threw her in a dump site”.
I thought a loving and powerful God would reserve that devastation for
those who ruined the lives of innocent people, or were selfish, lazy and gluttonous;
child molesters and puppy kickers.
All those years I told my mom I just wanted her and to have her
appreciate how much I loved her. Wanted
to her to enjoy handing things down to me and hated when she said “you’ll get
it when I die” but finally just accepted it---Did not ever expect to have my
most adored, named after and named my child after hers; aunt turn on me and my
kids and take it all. Not even be able
to say good bye and remember very clearly, sitting where I sit now, and feeling
calm---listening to her promise that she would come get me and bring me there
and thinking for the first time I was going to trust someone with my fate and
it was going to be ok----to go ahead and stop freaking out and just know she
was going to get me there and I would have no regrets and see my mother---when
normally I would have keep asking for help, trying ideas and basically had
figured out a plan even with no money at the moment she asked and no plan, like
I usually do.
I have, as usual,
lost my train of thought. Well not lost
it, but let it expand into 20 side tracks (good analogy huh) and need to reign
it in before it derails. The hope that
I will one day feel and think and write and it will end with all those tracks
coming back into the station to form one big well organized polished train,
have pretty much left me (as my mind says maybe that will be the surprise now
that you have put it all out there, don’t give up) and I have finally accepted
my fate. To be quiet, not fight and just
try to fade out quietly, leaves me sad and hurt and faithless. My laundry list of things that could have
been worse is huge and my desire to kick and scream and tell God that those
same things are now things that could have been better. That having to settle for being grateful it
wasn’t worse sucks. The worst of it
being the curses I will surely pass on to my children unknowingly and
unwillingly and knowing that when I am gone they will have no one who will
protect them from harm and even if they don’t deserve it they will suffer and
never having gotten their sister home to them is my biggest failure. Letting my mother in law “win” is the final
act that has left me unable to find a loving a God or even one of power. There are no miracles and doing what is right
in life gets you only the knowledge that you did it and in this life you will
go without for it. No one will change
their ways, or see the light, or ask for forgiveness to you or God.
The worst thing of all,
the curse---when I was about 7 I was told “if you tell anyone, the will call
you a liar, say you are crazy and they won’t believe you and you will be left
alone” combined with “God see’s everything you do and knows what you are
thinking” . I fought it my whole
life. I couldn’t lie, cheat or steal
because of it. I wanted to believe I
would “win”, that I could overcome the curse and would have a happy,
productive, financially stable, good life despite all that adversity and
loss. Now, he wins. He is still alive and the college he would
have paid for never happened. The
children I raise exhibit signs of abuse they have never known and I don’t know
why and they have no knowledge of my abuse.
I am without one of my children and she is being mentally tortured by my
mother in law. Every liar and thief I
have gone against (almost) has prevailed in a court of law and in life while I
had to stand by and take it.
Now, after taking a
shower (figure my time to reconcile my thoughts, will give God credit for the
process if and when I meet him to confirm his presence and assistance)
I have a laundry list
of ways to save the world, improve my life and positively affect those around
me but usually set out for the day and forget all the inspiring words and ideas
so here they are for this first time.
1. 1. Asked the
husband to help me approach our child about her clothing, eating,
and friends
in a new way. We love her and don’t mean
to be critical, but the
way we have been handling things may leave her feeling/believing
that people
who are rude and demeaning deserve a chance because we say rude and
demeaning
things. End result “we say one
thing and do another” and how is she supposed
to stop talking to us.
2. 2. Check into ability to be prophetic. Is it a “god given gift”? How does one
express to others they have a (in
my veggie tales cucumber voice) message
from the lord and is it even possible
to use the gift to end death or suffering?
Or is it just to prepare you for it?
How can I use it and not fear it?
Wanting
so badly to preach it to the world and be proud in my heart that
if there is a
God, that he sees me trusts me and could use me to help those who
can’t hear
Him and better yet save us from suffering. And how would one get their kids
to listen, as they thought I was nuts for watching them so closely as they
passed the sex
offenders (not known until later) house to walk to friends houses?
Will try and avoid the thoughts that my time
is coming soon.
Had to take a break
and run to the eye doctor, pick up Subway and eat with the husband, send my
step sister a note about the attorney, send a message to a pro bono attorney I
found in Austin about my mom, 3 other posts to friends on Facebook, a note to
my bff to remind her/ask her to try and help me find ways to see her despite my
limited income. I was just inspired to
contact the Nez Perce Indian Tribe about registering my family. Then remembered I could look into contacting
The Daughters of the Revolution for the girls.
My grandmother was one of them.
May seem archaic but when you have no role models for your kids you have
to go somewhere. My Grandma was a member and seriously I don’t know how else to
teach my kids refinement. Still no email
from work regarding an interview of any kind unless of course I am blind,
stupid or am just not supposed to stay working there.
3. 3. I thought to send my step sister a note about
contacting the current attorney
with a short note stating what my mom told her
in lost Facebook messages
and emails and in person at her visit.
If there was a number four I
forget it. Thinking there was but had to
get ready and go out into the world and try to do something. No experience goes wasted on me for sure, nor
do I leave anyone without challenging their minds at least and for some opening
their hearts.
I am still not the same person
anymore. Mind you I have always been
changing, trying to better myself, learn new things and give back something in
this life in return for the air that I breathe and space I take up. I don’t need much help and actually if given
too much help or sympathy it has an adverse affect on me and my mind. I do however dream of a prince charming or
June Cleaver or Superman or Wonder Woman coming to save me in my hour of desperation
or just to tell me that I am the only one who could raise Thor’s hammer in return
for my good heart and moral fiber. But
in reality I need to be needed a little and wouldn’t mind if someone took care
of me for a minute.
Since I will never hear my father
apologize, or see my mother understand how much she inspired me and the respect
and love I had for her and I will probably not get to see my step dad fear
anything nor would giving up his life ever restore all he took from mine. I can’t fix the hurtful things I have done
unwillingly by being self conscious, and letting others in between those who
love me. The ex boyfriend just found me
on Facebook, the one from when I was about 19 worked at a hotel (so I could
afford to travel someday and/or travel for work). He ended up dating my boss and everyone at
work knew before I did. Then I lost my
job when she moved up from assistant GM to GM.
I haven’t added him as a friend yet.
Told him he needed a history lesson about who screwed things up and he
should probably spell my name correctly.
Will wonder if it is a “sign” or just how life goes.
Closed out the day needing $150 for Tyli's glasses, a starter for the Truck, a flat tire, and feeling a little less stressed and useless.
No comments:
Post a Comment