For My Mom, For Myself and For My Kids. Too Many Lessons To Learn From Without Her Here To Teach You. R.I.P. Momma.

Thank you all for sticking by me.  Thank you for loving me, worrying about me, donating to the cause when we were sure we'd live under a bridge and for not giving up on me when I wanted to or because some shitty "I'm better than you" jerk tried to make me feel that way.

On the way home from taking kids to school, when I usually pull in the driveway in tears due to some song hitting my heart and mind, I just pulled in.  Smiled and felt like me again, maybe a little better, not sad, not angry, just me.

Calling yesterday to hear the news I had already known in my heart for so long just ended it.  For the most part anyway.  Mom loved me and no one can take that away.  We know what went on that cheated us out of happy years together and who was to blame for that.  I know I am who I am because I chose to be.  I have more friends than most people would know what to do with.  I know the heart of every one of them and know why they were put in front of me.  The "thing" that made each one of you important to me and even if I have not met you in person or we rarely talk I can tell each of you the trait that makes you unique and why I wanted to be like you and have you influence my life.

I am still human. I am still angry. I will, if given the chance, take and means necessary to get back what was taken from me, my sister, and most of all my kids.  I am not completely over it and will still fight.  I will have to work and letting it go.  I will not let it consume me though.  I have been blessed with being in recovery, part of that process enabled me to live with a clear conscious, and that is priceless.

I was blessed with a wonderful husband.  I do not say much about him often as it has been a process.  My mom taught me if I wanted her to like someone, I should avoid telling her the shitty things someone does as it makes him or her hard to like.  Therefore, I have waited, as none of us is perfect, and he tries.  That is more than many people are blessed with.  I pay close attention to what others go through, and I can claim this blessing.  He works harder than he should and being married to him comes with its price too, but I can say, and I hope this time it doesn't feel like I am not allowed to, that we will have what we need to survive.  That is huge.  I have lived with nothing standing on a corner not far from where I am now, and I didn't get myself there and still can't grasp it all, but it won't happen again and as long as i breathe won't happen to my kids.

It is funny how something so small can change things.  I always play the lottery; hit the casino with supervision every so often, and then just work at doing what I can to earn a living.  The other day Papa John has had a post that said, "Tell us something nice you did and win a pizza".  I do not often get any pleasure from "bragging" about the things i do during the day.  It is not my money I give away at work, however I am accountable for it.  So anyway, I posted something from work and a personal thing I do and won a pizza.  It was delicious and I found a promo to get another free pizza for ordering and a 1/2 off coupon.  Therefore, we had a lot of pizza.  I can no longer say I never win anything and being nice can pay off in the end.

I, again, cannot lie I do not do nice things in search of a big payoff or easy lot in life but I can dream and wish that something would come easy.  At least something would come without a fight.  Alternatively, that something left to me would just be graciously given to me.  My mom never helped me with money, but I didn't care I earned it, however she did repeatedly say "you will get it when I die" and will not easily forget how I was treated by someone I adored and will not say any less than no matter what I am I am not a thief.  I will be happy I won the pizza that I am a nice person, and that I would not do the things done to me because no one deserves to be treated the way I have been.

I wanted the money my mom left to me (because it is rightfully mine and I shouldn't even be explaining myself, but that wasn't enough to make it so) so my husband could take some time off work, even just enough to have his surgery and rest a minute.  We could make up for the honeymoon we never had, take the vacation we never had, and take our kids to Disneyland and pick up my step sister, and her wife and my step brother if he was up for it and their mom along the way to Disney World to spread my mom's ashes in Florida (it is the only warm beach I will ever be able to afford to visit).  I would buy a brand new car, I would fix my teeth so I could smile again, I would fix my husband and my eyes so we could see clearly for a while, put an air conditioner in the '93 Mercury my husband gave to our child and if anything was left would put a down payment on a house.  My kids would have money earning interest for college, luckily we will still be broke enough that they will qualify for a luxury I did not~~Pell grants and hopefully scholarships.  I would have a good handle on how to manage money.  A newfound faith in not worrying too much about not having enough (that cripples you into missing out on everything) that I could share with them (so they didn't have to go through working out all those childhood issues and poor choices that I had to) so they can get along in life.

I will end this, and get on with my day off, with saying I am proud that my mom entrusted me finally to have given my share of her estate in a lump sum of whatever it was.  I am confident that I earned that trust and I need no confirmation from anyone else.  I may never have the chance to tell my sister that I could blame her for all the opportunity she wasted.  How her choices left us in the position to be taken advantage of.  How lucky she is to have had the time she did with my mother, the time her child spent with my mom and the part he played in keeping me from her.  It would not matter, if she were not aware already she never would be.  I will still know my mom left Wendi’s' portion paid out in monthly payments to be sure she had at least a roof over her head.  In a normal family, I know my family could have moved to TX and kept the house going, kept Dakota with us and had a place for Wendi to come when she was released from prison.  I could have gotten myself to TX for my mom if I had not trusted my aunt to get me there.  It was the first time I had trusted my fate to anyone without question.  She made me promise to wait for her to come get me.  With that I will have to let go of the anger that I hold just knowing had I gotten there she would not have died alone.  Period. 

If there is a God what happened to miracles, burning bushes and people being smited?

There it is! Silly me thought we had made some unspoken "rise above the bullshit of being broke and unable to do shit about it" upgrade in the universe. To just be able to get a car fixed, or buy a new car at less than 30% interest or catch a flight when someone is dying or buy groceries and afford utilities or just plain be able to earn money and not get screwed over.

Tony just broke down on the off ramp in Peoria. AAA will go get the damn car and bring it home. He was about a minute away from asking for a monthly gas allowance and we might have be able to get a new car (as opposed to throwing money away fixing old cars) and had actually started to consider trying to buy a house. All things considered we still rate among the bottom feeders that aren't fit to be blessed it seems. I am smart enough to know I am not getting a car repo'd ever again so we aren't racing into that option much less losing a house.

My truck has been driven for 5 months with a check engine light on and we still owe (triple the usual cost it seems) the mechanic, I used to trust, for the last repair. I take kids to school and pick them up so he can't drive my truck and it would only make it to his work about 3 times before it broke down. They still haven't gotten us his "401K" from his last job, and won't for another month, and it is already earmarked for bills.

Still all just pisses me off when my aunt/cousin should have sent me a check months ago for at least $25,000 and that is on the low side, they have lied about everything so that number is based on what I know, I probably don't want to know what she actually had. They were able to do that by just omitting information and me not being able to do a damn thing about it. So fucking tired of ppl stealing our money or holding it hostage. Tired of being the exception to every rule of everything and people expecting me to just still and suffer or being forced to because I don't have enough money to "make" people do anything. For example: give me the shit my mom left for me, pay out money we earned (and should have never lost any of much less having a hardship withdrawal ignored or denied).

Truly the problem is in the way I see things. I have been around long enough to accept that I am blessed with certain "gifts" or abilities or whatever you want to call it. I can see things others barely notice (I'm pretty sure), I find myself in position to see when something is wrong, have some sign to confirm that it is wrong, and am smart enough to seek out a solution to fix the problem or hold someone accountable. Then I have had some experience that enables me to see how it went wrong (and nobody else noticed or others actually were a party, maybe unwittingly, and I am able to know that too)know what the "wrong" is and that I couldn't stop it (so I don't focus on that and skip the blaming me part) then have the knowledge and confidence to fight for what is right.

Then the curse comes in and the blessing is automatically voided by me being equally aware that I don't possess the resources to do anything about the problem and if I try to the loss usually multiplies. Furthermore I have the hindsight to see that I couldn't have done anything differently; aware of the incidents where I could done something if someone else hadn't affected my destiny (usually by lying or stealing), the right now realization that I am not going to be able to be able do anything to improve my situation or hold anyone accountable (which I try not to cry about for long) and the foresight to see and accept that I will never have more than exactly what I need and even one mistake in judgement will result in that not even being true. I will think of a million possibilities for answers to problems (like calling the 401k ppl and again asking for a hardship withdrawal now) that are feasible and thinking that comes from some higher power and I will be able to fix the problem. Time and time again though, I just end up being very aware that I don't have the power to do anything based on lack of money and there is no higher power that is going to bless me or protect me from loss and/or being victimized and no matter how I treat people there will always be some way I am left feeling afraid I will end up under a bridge with my kids.

A second attempt at sparing the innocent and seeing if anyone else is inspired to keep reading......

This started as a facebook post that rambled on for far too many paragraphs. So I am dragging it here in hopes, again, that I can come up with a blog that someone finds interesting enough, or helpful enough to read.

A few friends have commented that my writing "speaks to them" or that something I wrote "helped them understand something or related to something they hadn't been able to before". Occasionally something I say or write is a little foresight as to something that is going to happen and/or prepares me for the worst and for others lead them to something or someone that they needed to find to be safe and happy in life. I hope something you read here helps someone somehow to cope with life a little easier, understand someone or something you might not have without reading it, blesses you somehow or helps you to bless someone else.

I have always cared for others, been happy when others were happy, felt pain when others hurt and tried to forget the things that ailed me as "it could always be worse or I could be less capable of coping" and I now still have a hard time with wanting to be blessed, wanting to have good things happen to me and wish that "the powers that be" would somehow let me be that woman who won millions of dollars. Remains to be seen.

Here is the facebook post from 01/16/2018 the 3rd paragraph on is what I moved here. Hoping this will inspire me to start writing again. If not for hope of a better future, it may fall back on being the place I explain my life so my children can one day read it and understand as we struggle to give them a life and try to inspire them to greater things, without traumatizing them with what I have endured and inspires me to deal with them in ways they don't yet appreciate or understand.

Now off to work and/or to attempt to retrieve money my husbands employer has gotten away with all but stealing, for too long now. My job is another issue, but pays our insurance for now, so quitting isn't an option, but being let go would not be so bad considering how bad it sucks.

F.B. 1/16/18 10:30am.

Thank you all for the birthday wishes and for keeping me in your thoughts. I'm sorry I have been off the grid. I kind of expected depression to take hold of me and I would just, I don't know, wither away. It didn't. It doesn't anymore. I don't know why. I have to assume I have either lost my mind (and will soon know how ppl end up under a bridge with tinfoil hats on) or there is nothing to be depressed about well there would be if I didn't have a strong mind, strong will and smart people to ask questions and seek out resources and fight for what is rightfully mine and still out there to be regained.

I still haven't paid rent or acknowledged the emails after i told the landlord we will be fine next month but literally just don't have rent since Tony's x employer kept his last check and we can't get at the $10,000 they socked away in a profit losing account (nope not in a 401k or federal prevailing wage/fringe benefit account and yes it is illegal--but nothing is until a judge hears it). But having paid rent for 3 years, increasing yearly without ever being late I hope counts for something (still don't feel right about it, but can't move either).

Anyway, I am turning over a new leaf, and going to try--again---posting what my issue is, asking for people to enlighten me as to how they have handled issues and/or reaching out and maybe finding someone with a similar problem to put our heads and resources together to find a solution. I have tried such things before and been left kind of defeated and wishing more people knew how to or desired to "join forces" to find solutions.

Continuation: After a few monumental experiences the last few weeks I am going to once again try a new way of doing things. I am finally going to just make things happen. (do you sense me looking around hoping I can make this work with absolutely no confidence due to past failures lol). I am too smart, care too much and have lost too much that I can still fight for to give up. I don't need pity and am tired of not being one someone can ask for help. I don't like focusing on how truly alone I am (and a little devastated at my own families behavior and how lying has affected my universe as a whole---not me lying--I barely know how). It is not easy feeling like the only person in the world who has no close family and no longer has a crowd of friends to meet up with all the time (god i could have stayed 22 forever when 100 of my closest friends partied together). I keep trying to find someone to adopt me but everyone seems to have someone and I look nuts. Anyway....

Watching from my point of view, the government and the direction it seems to be heading and fearing it is going to directly affect our lives negatively is scary as we fall into the "above poverty level" with no increase in wages and many of the "small assistance" programs are wiped out but nothing in place to fill that gap. The insurance laws are impoverishing us from car insurance (caught my company cancelling policies and keeping funds) to medical insurance (finance dept at Mayo hospital enlightened me to where my insurance should normally be covering costs and it is leaving me with a balance due on top of taking 50% of my paycheck).

I have rambled on more than I intended to as usual. I was provoked to higher thinking by an email I received. I thought it was an outside response to my gofundme account. Which seemed smart if someone wanted to help without paying their fees or whatever. It said to contact them back regarding assistance and left a ladies name and was from and educators email (it seemed). I sent a note back declaring that I was in great need of financial assistance and how horrible it would be if it was a scam or a cruel joke (who seeks out broke people to try to scam anyway?) then I looked up the name. Well she is a lady who won a huge lottery and took the cash benefit netting her about 350 million dollars. The story on her might leave one believing that she could or would seek out ppl to help. I doubt it though. That is the little hope I have in life that someone might have enough money and find me worthy of gifting some to.

When my own father lost his life for taking what wasn't his and didn't think enough of me to make sure I was taken care of (or will me one of the million dollar homes his blood money funded or even tell the person who controls them to will one to us) it is not hard to understand the "curse" of being broke. My mother taught me to work for all I had and I believed she couldn't afford to help with things and just didn't ask. She always said "you'll get it when I die" and luckily I had always said I didn't want it that way so it didn't hurt quite so much when my aunt and cousin made sure that didn't happen either and took everything including my chance to tell her goodbye. I don't have much hope of ever being able to have enough money to save money, or take a vacation, or even pay my bills on time. I worked 3 jobs when I was 19 to pay for a studio apartment and a car and couldn't afford college. So I buy a lottery ticket here and there, i hit a casino but only with my husband to make me go home, and I work my butt off any way I can and do nice things for people when I can because it makes me feel good and people don't expect it.

I aspire to someday be able to post how I have done miraculous things to better the lives of people I know and love. I wish I would be blessed with a windfall of money so I never needed to ask for help with just the basic necessities for my family and could give to those who had been where I have been. Until then I hope you don't mind if I pick your minds and ask for your experiences, strengths and hopes so I might make a difference and leave this life without worrying about my children's welfare and some dignity.