This started as a facebook post that rambled on for far too many paragraphs. So I am dragging it here in hopes, again, that I can come up with a blog that someone finds interesting enough, or helpful enough to read.
A few friends have commented that my writing "speaks to them" or that something I wrote "helped them understand something or related to something they hadn't been able to before". Occasionally something I say or write is a little foresight as to something that is going to happen and/or prepares me for the worst and for others lead them to something or someone that they needed to find to be safe and happy in life. I hope something you read here helps someone somehow to cope with life a little easier, understand someone or something you might not have without reading it, blesses you somehow or helps you to bless someone else.
I have always cared for others, been happy when others were happy, felt pain when others hurt and tried to forget the things that ailed me as "it could always be worse or I could be less capable of coping" and I now still have a hard time with wanting to be blessed, wanting to have good things happen to me and wish that "the powers that be" would somehow let me be that woman who won millions of dollars. Remains to be seen.
Here is the facebook post from 01/16/2018 the 3rd paragraph on is what I moved here. Hoping this will inspire me to start writing again. If not for hope of a better future, it may fall back on being the place I explain my life so my children can one day read it and understand as we struggle to give them a life and try to inspire them to greater things, without traumatizing them with what I have endured and inspires me to deal with them in ways they don't yet appreciate or understand.
Now off to work and/or to attempt to retrieve money my husbands employer has gotten away with all but stealing, for too long now. My job is another issue, but pays our insurance for now, so quitting isn't an option, but being let go would not be so bad considering how bad it sucks.
F.B. 1/16/18 10:30am.
Thank you all for the birthday wishes and for keeping me in your thoughts. I'm sorry I have been off the grid. I kind of expected depression to take hold of me and I would just, I don't know, wither away. It didn't. It doesn't anymore. I don't know why. I have to assume I have either lost my mind (and will soon know how ppl end up under a bridge with tinfoil hats on) or there is nothing to be depressed about well there would be if I didn't have a strong mind, strong will and smart people to ask questions and seek out resources and fight for what is rightfully mine and still out there to be regained.
I still haven't paid rent or acknowledged the emails after i told the landlord we will be fine next month but literally just don't have rent since Tony's x employer kept his last check and we can't get at the $10,000 they socked away in a profit losing account (nope not in a 401k or federal prevailing wage/fringe benefit account and yes it is illegal--but nothing is until a judge hears it). But having paid rent for 3 years, increasing yearly without ever being late I hope counts for something (still don't feel right about it, but can't move either).
Anyway, I am turning over a new leaf, and going to try--again---posting what my issue is, asking for people to enlighten me as to how they have handled issues and/or reaching out and maybe finding someone with a similar problem to put our heads and resources together to find a solution. I have tried such things before and been left kind of defeated and wishing more people knew how to or desired to "join forces" to find solutions.
Continuation: After a few monumental experiences the last few weeks I am going to once again try a new way of doing things. I am finally going to just make things happen. (do you sense me looking around hoping I can make this work with absolutely no confidence due to past failures lol). I am too smart, care too much and have lost too much that I can still fight for to give up. I don't need pity and am tired of not being one someone can ask for help. I don't like focusing on how truly alone I am (and a little devastated at my own families behavior and how lying has affected my universe as a whole---not me lying--I barely know how). It is not easy feeling like the only person in the world who has no close family and no longer has a crowd of friends to meet up with all the time (god i could have stayed 22 forever when 100 of my closest friends partied together). I keep trying to find someone to adopt me but everyone seems to have someone and I look nuts. Anyway....
Watching from my point of view, the government and the direction it seems to be heading and fearing it is going to directly affect our lives negatively is scary as we fall into the "above poverty level" with no increase in wages and many of the "small assistance" programs are wiped out but nothing in place to fill that gap. The insurance laws are impoverishing us from car insurance (caught my company cancelling policies and keeping funds) to medical insurance (finance dept at Mayo hospital enlightened me to where my insurance should normally be covering costs and it is leaving me with a balance due on top of taking 50% of my paycheck).
I have rambled on more than I intended to as usual. I was provoked to higher thinking by an email I received. I thought it was an outside response to my gofundme account. Which seemed smart if someone wanted to help without paying their fees or whatever. It said to contact them back regarding assistance and left a ladies name and was from and educators email (it seemed). I sent a note back declaring that I was in great need of financial assistance and how horrible it would be if it was a scam or a cruel joke (who seeks out broke people to try to scam anyway?) then I looked up the name. Well she is a lady who won a huge lottery and took the cash benefit netting her about 350 million dollars. The story on her might leave one believing that she could or would seek out ppl to help. I doubt it though. That is the little hope I have in life that someone might have enough money and find me worthy of gifting some to.
When my own father lost his life for taking what wasn't his and didn't think enough of me to make sure I was taken care of (or will me one of the million dollar homes his blood money funded or even tell the person who controls them to will one to us) it is not hard to understand the "curse" of being broke. My mother taught me to work for all I had and I believed she couldn't afford to help with things and just didn't ask. She always said "you'll get it when I die" and luckily I had always said I didn't want it that way so it didn't hurt quite so much when my aunt and cousin made sure that didn't happen either and took everything including my chance to tell her goodbye. I don't have much hope of ever being able to have enough money to save money, or take a vacation, or even pay my bills on time. I worked 3 jobs when I was 19 to pay for a studio apartment and a car and couldn't afford college. So I buy a lottery ticket here and there, i hit a casino but only with my husband to make me go home, and I work my butt off any way I can and do nice things for people when I can because it makes me feel good and people don't expect it.
I aspire to someday be able to post how I have done miraculous things to better the lives of people I know and love. I wish I would be blessed with a windfall of money so I never needed to ask for help with just the basic necessities for my family and could give to those who had been where I have been. Until then I hope you don't mind if I pick your minds and ask for your experiences, strengths and hopes so I might make a difference and leave this life without worrying about my children's welfare and some dignity.
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