There it is! Silly me thought we had made some unspoken "rise above the bullshit of being broke and unable to do shit about it" upgrade in the universe. To just be able to get a car fixed, or buy a new car at less than 30% interest or catch a flight when someone is dying or buy groceries and afford utilities or just plain be able to earn money and not get screwed over.
Tony just broke down on the off ramp in Peoria. AAA will go get the damn car and bring it home. He was about a minute away from asking for a monthly gas allowance and we might have be able to get a new car (as opposed to throwing money away fixing old cars) and had actually started to consider trying to buy a house. All things considered we still rate among the bottom feeders that aren't fit to be blessed it seems. I am smart enough to know I am not getting a car repo'd ever again so we aren't racing into that option much less losing a house.
My truck has been driven for 5 months with a check engine light on and we still owe (triple the usual cost it seems) the mechanic, I used to trust, for the last repair. I take kids to school and pick them up so he can't drive my truck and it would only make it to his work about 3 times before it broke down. They still haven't gotten us his "401K" from his last job, and won't for another month, and it is already earmarked for bills.
Still all just pisses me off when my aunt/cousin should have sent me a check months ago for at least $25,000 and that is on the low side, they have lied about everything so that number is based on what I know, I probably don't want to know what she actually had. They were able to do that by just omitting information and me not being able to do a damn thing about it. So fucking tired of ppl stealing our money or holding it hostage. Tired of being the exception to every rule of everything and people expecting me to just still and suffer or being forced to because I don't have enough money to "make" people do anything. For example: give me the shit my mom left for me, pay out money we earned (and should have never lost any of much less having a hardship withdrawal ignored or denied).
Truly the problem is in the way I see things. I have been around long enough to accept that I am blessed with certain "gifts" or abilities or whatever you want to call it. I can see things others barely notice (I'm pretty sure), I find myself in position to see when something is wrong, have some sign to confirm that it is wrong, and am smart enough to seek out a solution to fix the problem or hold someone accountable. Then I have had some experience that enables me to see how it went wrong (and nobody else noticed or others actually were a party, maybe unwittingly, and I am able to know that too)know what the "wrong" is and that I couldn't stop it (so I don't focus on that and skip the blaming me part) then have the knowledge and confidence to fight for what is right.
Then the curse comes in and the blessing is automatically voided by me being equally aware that I don't possess the resources to do anything about the problem and if I try to the loss usually multiplies. Furthermore I have the hindsight to see that I couldn't have done anything differently; aware of the incidents where I could done something if someone else hadn't affected my destiny (usually by lying or stealing), the right now realization that I am not going to be able to be able do anything to improve my situation or hold anyone accountable (which I try not to cry about for long) and the foresight to see and accept that I will never have more than exactly what I need and even one mistake in judgement will result in that not even being true. I will think of a million possibilities for answers to problems (like calling the 401k ppl and again asking for a hardship withdrawal now) that are feasible and thinking that comes from some higher power and I will be able to fix the problem. Time and time again though, I just end up being very aware that I don't have the power to do anything based on lack of money and there is no higher power that is going to bless me or protect me from loss and/or being victimized and no matter how I treat people there will always be some way I am left feeling afraid I will end up under a bridge with my kids.
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