Thank you all for sticking by me. Thank you for loving me, worrying about me, donating to the cause when we were sure we'd live under a bridge and for not giving up on me when I wanted to or because some shitty "I'm better than you" jerk tried to make me feel that way.
On the way home from taking kids to school, when I usually pull in the driveway in tears due to some song hitting my heart and mind, I just pulled in. Smiled and felt like me again, maybe a little better, not sad, not angry, just me.
Calling yesterday to hear the news I had already known in my heart for so long just ended it. For the most part anyway. Mom loved me and no one can take that away. We know what went on that cheated us out of happy years together and who was to blame for that. I know I am who I am because I chose to be. I have more friends than most people would know what to do with. I know the heart of every one of them and know why they were put in front of me. The "thing" that made each one of you important to me and even if I have not met you in person or we rarely talk I can tell each of you the trait that makes you unique and why I wanted to be like you and have you influence my life.
I am still human. I am still angry. I will, if given the chance, take and means necessary to get back what was taken from me, my sister, and most of all my kids. I am not completely over it and will still fight. I will have to work and letting it go. I will not let it consume me though. I have been blessed with being in recovery, part of that process enabled me to live with a clear conscious, and that is priceless.
I was blessed with a wonderful husband. I do not say much about him often as it has been a process. My mom taught me if I wanted her to like someone, I should avoid telling her the shitty things someone does as it makes him or her hard to like. Therefore, I have waited, as none of us is perfect, and he tries. That is more than many people are blessed with. I pay close attention to what others go through, and I can claim this blessing. He works harder than he should and being married to him comes with its price too, but I can say, and I hope this time it doesn't feel like I am not allowed to, that we will have what we need to survive. That is huge. I have lived with nothing standing on a corner not far from where I am now, and I didn't get myself there and still can't grasp it all, but it won't happen again and as long as i breathe won't happen to my kids.
It is funny how something so small can change things. I always play the lottery; hit the casino with supervision every so often, and then just work at doing what I can to earn a living. The other day Papa John has had a post that said, "Tell us something nice you did and win a pizza". I do not often get any pleasure from "bragging" about the things i do during the day. It is not my money I give away at work, however I am accountable for it. So anyway, I posted something from work and a personal thing I do and won a pizza. It was delicious and I found a promo to get another free pizza for ordering and a 1/2 off coupon. Therefore, we had a lot of pizza. I can no longer say I never win anything and being nice can pay off in the end.
I, again, cannot lie I do not do nice things in search of a big payoff or easy lot in life but I can dream and wish that something would come easy. At least something would come without a fight. Alternatively, that something left to me would just be graciously given to me. My mom never helped me with money, but I didn't care I earned it, however she did repeatedly say "you will get it when I die" and will not easily forget how I was treated by someone I adored and will not say any less than no matter what I am I am not a thief. I will be happy I won the pizza that I am a nice person, and that I would not do the things done to me because no one deserves to be treated the way I have been.
I wanted the money my mom left to me (because it is rightfully mine and I shouldn't even be explaining myself, but that wasn't enough to make it so) so my husband could take some time off work, even just enough to have his surgery and rest a minute. We could make up for the honeymoon we never had, take the vacation we never had, and take our kids to Disneyland and pick up my step sister, and her wife and my step brother if he was up for it and their mom along the way to Disney World to spread my mom's ashes in Florida (it is the only warm beach I will ever be able to afford to visit). I would buy a brand new car, I would fix my teeth so I could smile again, I would fix my husband and my eyes so we could see clearly for a while, put an air conditioner in the '93 Mercury my husband gave to our child and if anything was left would put a down payment on a house. My kids would have money earning interest for college, luckily we will still be broke enough that they will qualify for a luxury I did not~~Pell grants and hopefully scholarships. I would have a good handle on how to manage money. A newfound faith in not worrying too much about not having enough (that cripples you into missing out on everything) that I could share with them (so they didn't have to go through working out all those childhood issues and poor choices that I had to) so they can get along in life.
I will end this, and get on with my day off, with saying I am proud that my mom entrusted me finally to have given my share of her estate in a lump sum of whatever it was. I am confident that I earned that trust and I need no confirmation from anyone else. I may never have the chance to tell my sister that I could blame her for all the opportunity she wasted. How her choices left us in the position to be taken advantage of. How lucky she is to have had the time she did with my mother, the time her child spent with my mom and the part he played in keeping me from her. It would not matter, if she were not aware already she never would be. I will still know my mom left Wendi’s' portion paid out in monthly payments to be sure she had at least a roof over her head. In a normal family, I know my family could have moved to TX and kept the house going, kept Dakota with us and had a place for Wendi to come when she was released from prison. I could have gotten myself to TX for my mom if I had not trusted my aunt to get me there. It was the first time I had trusted my fate to anyone without question. She made me promise to wait for her to come get me. With that I will have to let go of the anger that I hold just knowing had I gotten there she would not have died alone. Period.
No comments:
Post a Comment