It's Going to Be One of THOSE Days.......(This was written a few hours before I was told my mom had died)

Have rewritten the header a thousand times.  Trying to summarize my life, what has happened and how the hell to move forward.  Posted on facebook, almost, and really just need a hug.  From an old friend or a couple of family members that I can still trust.  Everyone is so physically far away anymore and a hug and any words of inspiration used to keep me going.  Fighting.  Forgetting how awful it all was and managing to overcome or endure the most awful of circumstances.  I, since having kids, manage to even say something in my head, or on here, to get me passed the desire to quit.  Since quitting life is not something I think about doing by my own hand.  However at my age quitting has come to mind as letting "the elements" get to me and inadvertently ending the pain and confusion of everyday life, a mild heart attack will do that to you.

I got permission to be an hour late for work.  for weeks up to know they were giving people long lunches and time off without occurrence as the job is ending and we were overstaffed.  Of course today we all need to be there and doing as expected to keep a job and i need to be off.  I was supposed to deal with the finance company for this damn furniture or the furniture people or take a shower, and here I sit.

My header was going read something to the effect of God, is there one?  what is his plan? and overcoming the fact that for most of my life i believed there was a God and that everything bad that happened to me was a punishment for being bad and everything bad that happened around me was punishment for people who got to close to me because I was bad.  When I finally overcame those ideas I spent a lot of time just seeing the wonderful things he did, despite how horrible my life had gotten, i had no choice, focus on that or focus on the reality that somehow I had ended up with nothing and had nowhere to go and was starting to have things occur that would make God hate me and other humans not want to be near me.  So I muddled through only be left with the realization that if all along God wasn't mad at me, and wasn't making bad things happen that he then had to have sat by and watched as they did and did nothing to stop it.  Didn't warn me not go places, or deal with certain people or even give me choices prior to those things happening.  No smiting, or burning bushes, or voices in my head screaming "stop don't go there" or "do this instead" or even like other times when life is fine.  I would look for choices, alternatives, educate myself, ask question and still chose a path with absolutely no resistance to speak of or to warn me and no alternative when a choice had to be made or decision had to be made to move forward in life or complete a task.  Nothing, just straight into the fire and no consolation and actually even after feeling like I could overcome, fight the good fight, EVERY time I was left realizing what had happened, knowing to others it would seems impossible and watching someone get away with something and being able to nothing with any of it.  WHY?     

Going to leave my facebook post in full and put a link here. For I have nothing to fear but fear itself really.  I already know what the worst can happen is, being ignored, being deleted by my friends, being laughed at or mocked or someone who is intelligent thinking "why does this dumb broad think she needs a blog when she has nothing to say at all".    On the upside maybe my knight in shining armor will ride in a sweep me off.  Maybe I will win the lottery and just never have to worry about getting screwed over as I will pay cash for everything and be able to walk away and move to the next idea and return whatever i buy that isn't worth what i paid.  Or someone will just know who to call and how to help. (The finance company actually tried to with the furniture btw, them realizing how the store screwed me and probably them over, the fact that i was trying to be reasonable considering and trying to work it out but the store stopped that too.) 

Hopefully, because my knight will probably not be thrilled, at this point that i still haven't taken a shower......People do find me funny still, I try to, but sure wish now that I am laughing at myself that the whole mess was resolved with my child, her furniture, and a God== considering God is the only man humans will expect you to love, honor, trust and believe in when you have never met him, have never seen him doing the work we give him credit for, and trust without question.  100 years ago maybe, today, I say it sounds like a bad idea and you wouldn't suggest even talking to anyone like that. (age of technology)

To Blog or Not to Blog, That is the Question!!!!

I started the blog to get all of my "issues" at length off of facebook and intended on putting the link in facebook so if anyone wanted to hear the gory details they could choose to.  Another friend thought I might look for a job writing for someone or something.  Something I wrote "spoke to her" and she thought I might do the same for others.  I also had the brilliant revelation that I could earn money by partnering with certain entities and posting their advertising on the page as well.  Since then I chickened out of posting to facebook until the other day, a year later, I never found that special someplace that might find my writing enlightening and I am surely no "expert" on any one thing in particular at this point.  I found I have to have followers or readers to request to "earn a living" by advertising and 1 reader won't get me there.  

In the time since I started this page I have come a long way in my old simple life, by my standards anyway, if I reach outside of my box and look at the world around me I surely would have given up and considered myself a total failure.  So I stopped reaching outside of that box for now.  Writing about all the things that I have endured and overcome that truly would show my progress in life as huge success.  However rehashing the details is defeating at the same time.  Considering I was "the first one of my friends to have a job, a new car, and apartment" and I am now just getting a rented house, a very used vehicle and have a job that pays $10/hour, just those facts alone would imply that in 30 years I have made little progress at all.  

Today I am just sitting at my keyboard typing and barely thinking it through at all, just letting the words come out and thankful for spell check that keeps me sounding a little intelligent.  Too bad there isn't grammar check and punctuation correction for Emo's.  As much as Word tries it just doesn't "get me".

Laughing to myself now as I think of my husband, who wasn't always so funny but that is another chapter, said to me one day "jesus don't you ever just think nothing?" then corrected himself and said "I'm so sorry it can't be easy to be you".  We bought Dragon software for me, of course way after it was popular and found it on Ebay for pennies on the dollar, and then he said "it may be easier and accomplish more if we could somehow just hook up something to your brain that just typed it all out".  But we certainly don't have the know how even if someone has the technology.  Surely it will be patented and sold  by Ronco or whoever does those infomercials these days and someone else will get rich off of it.  

Now, living up to my "turbo tangent" nickname, I have lost sight of exactly what was going on here.  It started as I sent an email to my oldest daughter who lives with her paternal grandparents at age 14.  A whole long story that had better have a happy ending.  But anyway, she is stressed and my emails to her, that seem too short and too late in coming, are stressing her out.  She finally wanted to be here and spend the night and the pressure just as quickly sent her packing.   So I write a note to her, then cut 3/4 of it out and have been saving the rest all over my computer.  I know she will someday want or need to hear what they say though.  Or maybe not but I need her to know.  I never anticipated a mild heart attack at age 46 but that also inspired me to write things down somewhere my kids can find it in case I don't live forever.  Maybe no one will ever care, but being a people watcher and being a person with feelings myself, tell me that they will need to know when they are older, some things.  

Again, life interrupts, have to get to work and kids are actually trying to clean up the aftermath of our new bedroom furniture fiasco.  Almost forgot the point today.  Went to send Tawni an email (hate texting, probably because i never have less than a booksworth to say)  

my new schedule at work has me off on Tuesday, Friday, Sunday and I work 4 hours on Sat. like 3-7.  So I wouldn’t be on the computer when you arrived on Fridays.  Also don’t shop on Ebay but occasionally now and just sell a few things on there.  Wanted you to know if I “hide out” I just try not to smother you.  I am quite emo and don’t want to annoy or embarrass you girls for the most part.  l love you mom    

Whatever is wrong with me and this huge weight gain is being worked on, I am embarrassed of me and hearing you all making fun of some fat neighbor probably reminded me that hiding is better until I lose the weight or some of it.  That is just my feeling on things.  I was a kid once and I am very self conscious and not having insurance for years got me here fighting it all the way.  I would love to talk to you about any of this and will always listen when you need to talk and you can tell me anything, you would probably be amazed what I have been through and I just don’t openly share all of it as I don’t want to traumatize you girls with my mess.  I lived through it all and am fine considering and can help and don’t judge despite how hard I judge myself.  Every day I work on being a better me.  That is how I was raised.  I was never told I was or did enough therefore I try to treat you all a little different so you can grow up balanced and secure.  I have always feared that you would be lied to and never come back to me, but the good lord or whatever told me to just be me, keep telling the truth and fighting for what is right and you would see me for me and know what is right and decide for yourself what to do with everyone else.  You have nothing to be guilty or sorry or worried for.  We will fight for whatever you want to do or where you want to be.  I cannot give up on you or stop fighting but as you grow I wait for you to tell me rather than rip you out of your comfort zone.  I love you. 

Up to I love you, mom is what was sent.  the rest was what was edited out.  They pulled my husband into an impromptu counseling session one morning two weeks ago.  The same counselor we used to go see every time we went back to court to ask for custody back (still have parental rights after 11 years, which gives us the right to pay child support and be ignored by the system, but who is paying attention) and Tony's mom would put the pressure on Tawni and remind her how awful we were and fill her head with lies and she would need counseling.  Anyway, she mentioned some things that bothered her, so those are things I have been working on for myself, family, her or whatever because that is what I do.  I am trying to minimize since I don't want to be the one that sends her over the edge.  At these appointments we are told she had thought about cutting herself and was almost committed twice.  They used to be able to blame us and being with us.  The new twist is, after telling my husband that she had become suicidal after being with us he reminded them that she hadn't been at our house in over 3 weeks when these ideas and actions started.  Somehow they still tried to overlook that fact, but it is way too obvious to overlook.  Thankfully in a time of high emotions and drama for the rest of us he is able to focus on the details.  I would have immediately started being sorry and thinking it was me---or maybe not now, but probably.  I still haven't heard from her, I am the focus of all that is evil, and that is fine.   I will fight it all the way and hope my child comes out the other side of this happy, stable and ok and stronger than I ever was at her age.

MY LATEST RANT---FROM THE WHITE HOUSE TO THE WHORE HOUSE. PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE OUR PRIORITIES SEEM TO OUT OF WHACK!!

I HOPE TO HELL SOMEBODY IS GETTING RICH.  I keep seeing people complaining about everything from minimum wage workers wanting a raise to drug testing for people on welfare.  How did we as Americans get so one sided and such a sheepish mentality?  What happened to the "big picture" and thinking through our decisions before we spewed them out?  I guess it all went South when people who were born in the 20's and 30's started to become a rarity.  My grandmother always had something wise to say, and a story about how many different ways one should consider the outcome when having a "brilliant idea" or "cure all" for something.  People no longer seem to live by the constitution.  "Rights" as an American rarely get any talk time.  I haven't heard the 10 commandments mentioned in a conversation between parents and children in years, now that I think about it.  My facebook post was in response to another opinion on the McDonald's workers that dare to want a raise.  I hope Frank doesn't mind me adding his opinion which was one of my points as well.

It's time to slap the people working in fast food places!!

Richard Decker

April 20 at 8:44pm · 

Share the hell out of this!Frank Ortiz If you don't like what you get Learn how to cook cause every fast food worker is a high school student and it's their first jobUnlike · Reply · 1 · 14 hrsFrank Ortiz Before you make an assumption some people that want the the 15.00 live in areas with the cost of living is high and you survive on 7.50 an hour and having to deal with asshole people every day for 8 to 10 he day stay home and cook your mealsUnlike · Reply · 1 · 14 hrsTami Tillman Slap the hell out of a system that doesn't give equal cost of living raises to everyone. That has people working fast food jobs yet can't afford to eat there. Or giving money to the banks, finance companies, auto industry instead of the regular Joe Schmo who is just trying to make it. Today was my damn near final straw after living in housing run by slum lords, having cars stolen from me by finance companies, and buying glued together cars from private buyers, finally it's kids furniture still in awe at the shady business practices so many have adopted because everyone feels that stealing from other hard working Americans is the way to go. At least they have jobs and someone has to make the burgers and mow the lawns of Americans. When will everyone pull their heads of their asses and realize that we are worse than some third world country fighting in their streets, armed and killing each other. At least there it is out in the open and they own it. When did we all start screwing each other over and fighting some unspoken war against each other. My favorite "stand for something or fall for everything' is so where we are and just blind to it. Americans at least used to try to work together for a greater good or "American dream". What the hell happened? I hardly have an opinion on it though. And my shame would lie in not knowing how to fix it or where to start. I was not born to run a government nor am I good at leading a cause, but i am good at yelling, kicking, screaming, and begging for someone who does know how to step up and make this a life worth living in a Country we can be proud of again. Now I am hungry for the egg mcmuffin i stashed in the fridge cause i was too lazy and it was too hot to cook 

 Had to go back and add the whole post in the spirit of not losing anything, as I am on a roll now, considering all that was posted.  Went back to my friends wall and let loose, even shocking myself, guess I was holding a lot in for a while.  Post number two this fine morning at 1 a.m.  My last Tuesday off, had to switch to being off on Sundays, probably still won't spend it sitting in church.

Tami Tillman  12:55am 04/27/2016 Ok now you got me going. I know you surely aren't one to be this closed minded you must have been in a hurry. Bigger picture, since everyone is insisting on looking at the little one. What about the guy at the car dealership who doesn't fill out your financing paperwork correctly and you end up without your old car, unable to finance a new one and your new one is taken? I rather give the guy who made my breakfast and added ketchup to it a raise then the moron who cost me my job because i can't drive there. Or the Government job you are working for cost of living raises and paid education decides that the budget was done wrong and you receive no raise or no funding to pay for your classes. Or the eye doctor that fails to correctly test your eyes and the wrong prescription is given but insurance has paid for it already so they won't admit they made a mistake because it will cost their company money so you go without for a year. Or the surgeon that received the wrong record and performed brain surgery instead of gall bladder surgery and left a healthy husband brain dead? We need to look at the bigger picture and find a way to get back to being people who earn an honest wage for a days work, whatever it is. Fair wages, so if someone does get up and go to work they can afford a "piece of the pie". I could go on forever but I don't have a "plan" either. We have somehow gotten ourselves into this position and I don't know if we can save it. Your next post might send me in another wild rant, but recently realized that somehow the IRS (which i never rec'd a response to how it was created, by who, and who is the checks and balances for them) will tell you a tax return over 3 years old where you are due a refund is "too late to be filed" and in the same breath tell you if you owe them they will collect from you no matter how old it is and can audit you at their leisure as well. HOW DID WE GET SO GOOD AT SETTING OURSELVES UP to fail? The government should be by the people for the people. Court Systems are supposed to fair and just and work in favor of the honest and innocent until proven guilty (almost wrote it backwards) and when did we start pointing fingers and placing blame on each other instead of paying attention to where we were headed? Wages are a small part of the whole big picture. Hell I make $10/hour at my job. The guy who fixes my car gets $75-$100/hour. Just paying insurance (without considering co-pays and deductibles) takes half of my check right off the top. That doesn't leave money for McDonalds or water, or rent or even that mechanic.......something is off. Must be why the guy who sold me furniture was willing to lie about the quality, where it came from and set me up with a finance company that was going to get 3X what I was told for furniture that isn't worth the original price, cause somewhere he has to be able to afford everything I described above for his family or just him. Why can't we all just get a fair wage for a job and pay a fair price to stay alive?? Now we all need to hope someone is willing to make less than minimum wage to sling drinks from behind a bar so I can forget all this misery I can't control truly and have a few drinks. I knew years ago when I found out that strippers had to pay to go to work that the world was headed to hell in a handbasket. LITERALLY they have to pay the DJ for their service, and pay out the bar for "letting them" perform. Only in Merica.

THOSE WERE THE DAYS.......

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL BORN IN 1930's, 1940's, 50's, 60's, 70's and Early 80's !!! First, you survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, your baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints. You had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when you rode your bikes, you had no helmets .. As children, you would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags. Riding in the back of a van - loose - was always great fun. You drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle. You shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. You ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but you weren't overweight because...... YOU WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! You would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach you all day. And you were OK. You would spend hours building your go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out you forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, you learned to solve the problem . You did not have PlayStation's, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on satellite TV, DVDs, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........YOU HAD FRIENDS and you went outside and found them! You fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents you played with worms(well most boys did) and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. You made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although you were told it would happen, you did not poke out any eyes. You rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! You played sport in a local team and not everyone got picked to play every week. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing you out if you broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. You had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and you learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.Mel ColeApril 1 at 11:50pm · 

Copied from Facebook.  wondering why my spell check thinks learned is spelled wrong......Squirrel.

Blast from the past.......these ought to help clarify things, or at least help me remember.

Post with "My Jamie" (RIP 12/10/1973 - 07/28/2010)

March 31, 2011 at 9:37pm

PublicFriendsFriends except AcquaintancesOnly MeCustomClose FriendsPuzzle CharmsSee all lists...Mafia Wars FamilyBubble Safari OceanFarmville Neighbors ListSong PopCoastervilleSolitaire BlitzBubble SafariZynga PokerSlotomaniaBejeweledFamilyBusiness/WorkBest BuyAcquaintancesGo Back

I read through two years of posts to find this.  Just had to hang onto it.  When I first met her I could barely even "suggestive sell" the idea of a God to myself much less anyone else.  Her mother then passed away and I can still hear the sound of her very firm voice telling me "I will drive you to church, hell I will buy you a bible if you need one, but please do not ask me to discuss it with you or accept any of it.  I cant and wont discuss it with you or anyone else."
And I was fine with that, and knew how she felt.  9 years later, this was our conversation.
 
August 21, 2009 at 7:46pm ·  Friends Only · ·
 Jamie Weiss

•  I'll pray for you that things get better. Is your hand ok? Umm, where's dad in all this?
• August 21, 2009 at 10:11pm ·
• 
  Tami Tillman
•  Thank you I would really appreciate the prayers, I don't always believe He hears me. Tony was at work, one of his friends came by to board up the window for now. He likes his mother less than I do right now, and she makes Obama look an angel. Hand is ok. Spirit is broken right now. ;) Thank you all for your love, I wouldn't make it without it;)
  August 22, 2009 at 2:12am ·
• 
  Jamie Weiss
•  Tami, you are one of the strongest women I know. If you survived living with me, you can handle ANYTHING!! ;-) Oh and just an update ... I converted to Christianity. SURPRISE
  August 22, 2009 at 9:56am ·
• 
  
• Tami Tillman
  Thanks, all of you. Jamie I am glad, it used to be weird when you couldn't stand to hear about God. Now I could really use a little reassurance He doesn't like watching me suffer. I could use a big break from "not more than I can handle"..., I need a vacation.
  
  Thanks again, having amazing friends reminds me that it will all be ok. ;) School starts Monday. I am so psyched!!!reAugust 22, 2009 at 2:50pm ·
• 
  Jamie Weiss
•  It WILL be ok. And if you give me a moment I will find the perfect verse for you. :-P
  August 22, 2009 at 5:47pm ·
• 
  Jamie Weiss
•  HE doesn't but Satan DOES! Hey, I killed a mosquito and accidentally slammed it down on the Bible and I freaked out. LOL I was like....ah OMGosh, I'm SO SORRY. lol
  August 22, 2009 at 5:52pm ·
• 
  Jamie Weiss
•  Behold, blessed is the one whom God reproves; therefore despise not the discipline of the Almighty. Job 5:17
  For he wounds, but he binds up, he shatters, but his hands heal. Job 5:18
  I think I got that right. yes? no?August 22, 2009 at 6:37pm ·
• 
  Jamie Weiss
• Holy cow, I can't believe that came from me and knowing where to look in the Bible. :-O
  August 22, 2009 at 6:37pm ·
• 
  Tami Tillman
•  Thank you Jamie. That means so much in so many ways--and so very appropriate for my situation. Your mother has to be smiling right now!!
  August 23, 2009 at 1:37am ·
• 
  Jamie Weiss
•  Mom??? If she weren't cremated, I think she'd be rolling over in her grave. lol I'm Jewish by birth remember? lol

• August 23, 2009 at 7:11am · 

Then her final post....

Jamie Weiss
July 25, 2010 at 10:19am via BuildAGadget.com Sidebar Gadget

Jamie Weiss

July 25, 2010 · BlackBerry Smartphones App · 

Had my surgery Friday & stopped breathing on Saturday morning so the kept me overnight & I FINALLY get to go home in an hour. whoohooo

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Dave Conklin Jamie - you really need to stop all of this medical drama. How about a good year or 50 of just playing with your doggies? I hope your bounce back soon!

July 25, 2010 at 6:56am · Like

Jamie Weiss Lol, I'm fine Dave. It was a big deal to the nurses on staff but within 5 hrs I was my normal goofy self again. Can't wait to get home to my babies!! Oh & the surgery was a simple laproscopy to remove my gallbladder. I've been fine for the last 5 yrs! smile emoticon

July 25, 2010 at 8:10am · Like

Dave Conklin Good to hear Jamie!

July 25, 2010 at 9:04am · Like

Tammy Garner Brewington WOW, that sounds a little scary! I'm glad you're going to be ok. Have a blessed Sunday Jamie! smile emoticon

July 25, 2010 at 9:55am · Like 

To Blog or Not to Blog? That is the Question....

     Just posted on facebook.  As it started turning into a run-on paragraph I stopped, cut it off at a decent sounding end, and came here.  A good friend once told me I should try writing "something" as what I wrote "spoke to her" and she thought it might do the same for others.  I have been told the things I write are (pausing to recall the correct wording)...prophetic comes to mind, but that is my take on things and that always requires me to write it, live it, then explain it to someone else.  Nothing so far the is prophetic to someone else...(pausing again as something reminds me...) ok twice, three times it has been for someone else.  Once on the phone, and they never realized what had transpired or my part in it.  Second time in writing and that couple is still married, happily I believe, and living productive lives.  Third was over the phone.  Julie was very well aware that the message that came through me for her brought her to her husband.  Helped her make the adjustment from a very self sufficient, yet unpleasant life, to being able to be a wife and trust someone to "take care of her" and let her guard down enough to be party to a loving relationship.  Sadly she is not here to help me further realize my gift like we thought she was meant to.  So I still question the reason behind my prophetic "messages", where they come from and if the motive of the message.  I only know when I write, like I am now, that I rarely think it through (may seem obvious to some, but realize others will just think I failed English 101 or refuse to proofread), and just let the words flow through me and my fingers.

     Laughing now.  Realizing I haven't even pasted the cutout from Facebook yet.  The exact reason I started this blog.  I probably would have gone on to write all of the above on facebook and frankly  acknowledge that, to most, I don't have much to say.  For the better part of my life all of this infinite wisdom was shared with close friends in a drunken haze and then we just kept living.  Most of just coming out as crazy, over emotional, ramblings of a cared more, thought more and felt more than most humans are willing or able to endure.  

Whether it matters to anyone else today or not I am proud to be the person who will fight for what is right, do the right thing no matter unpopular it seems at the time and will not rest until I straighten out the rest of the mess and hold some people accountable. The rest of the time I will be trying to raise four girls with the same attitude and moral fiber, which is not going to be easy as I am learning it is not hereditary and how hard a fight it can be for some, as I can attest to the fact that they just come into this world....

with a set of issues, an attitude and a way of doing things that wasn't learned anywhere in this life as they are too small to have picked it up anywhere (no matter how controlled their environment).  That is a whole other psychology class/lesson.

That was the end of the post with the final thought (laughing at the prospect of me ever actually ending a thought, or a sentence, for that matter).  The original post was 

 3/20/2016 9:20am:  woke up this morning to the sound of all 4 girls getting ready for church. Dropped off Tawni's dog at grandma and grandpa's and took them to church. Cried the whole way home, 1 stop off at a yard sale for an antique bunk bed that looked like the one my dad's mom had given me when I was little, now finishing my good cry. Oh yeah and i have 2 calves that are the same normal size! I am nowhere near back to "normal" but I am so very grateful for all of you and all of your "experience, strength and hope" that held me together when I thought my life would never be livable again. I was upset yesterday when everyone was acting up and stressing Tawni out. That beautiful child came in and hugged me and said "momma you didn't lose me, if you had I wouldn't be standing here hugging you right now". That made it all almost bearable. Finally told my husband how glad I was that he has decided to be a better man over the years but how very angry I have been at him for failing us back then and making the journey twice as hard for me.

Need to find a way to make it all "flow".  I am probably barely healthy enough to live long enough to make the blog "work for me" much less to write some autobiography, but feel the need to leave something for my children that will hopefully help them understand any number of things they may experience in life that need explaining or at least let them know that their mother may have not cured cancer or solved world hunger or peace, but she sure tried.  

So much more to say, but know that there aren't enough hours in one day to say it all, and will just hope for today that one day I will be able to write until I am blank and void of all thoughts and feelings instead of the sound of my husband snoring blocking all of it and leaving me annoyed.

 

 

Worst Day of My Life? Or First Day of My Life........

02/18/2016---My mom has been diagnosed with Leukemia or some variation of it.  Seems the diagnosis changes daily.  She called on this morning about 6 times from her cell phone while in the doctor's office.  Started working on getting there.  By the end of the day I was not going.

By the morning of 02/19/2016 her rude friend was insulting me to my aunt Jo and so was my nephew and she wouldn't defend me or pay for my plane ticket. Finished the day with my mom calling and saying I should wait. There is no waiting.  It was now, or, thanks to everything that was said to me, never.  Told off my nephew via a voicemail.  My aunt and I left off with me crying and hanging up as I realized she still thinks I am a piece of shit and good for nothing.  Heart broken.  Felt sorry for my mom.  Guess that is all me though she will be just fine without me won't she.

Realizing today (2/23/2016) it has been 4 days since I have talked to her and I am almost over being mad.  Still hurt but the sting is gone.  Hard to walk away from the only family you truly have left.  Well, they actually walked away a long time ago, they just didn't formally announce it, that would have made them look like assholes.  They will surely never feel as bad as I do about it either way.  Lately I wish I felt nothing.  It is becoming easier and easier though.