"What's This Life For?"

I am sitting in my cluttered office/room/bad episode of hoarders trying to clear out clutter and ready myself for a yard sale.  My mother heavy on my heart and mind.  My sister as well.  I found a small God Box I received from a friend I met playing poker on facebook.  Next came across a pack of stickers my best friend Tammy's mom, well was going to say gave me, but have to come clean and admit I took them when I stayed with her once.  I had to admit that and will have to send her an apology.  She will surely think I am nuts, I am, I just have to be able to say to people with conviction that I don't lie, steal or cheat and can be trusted.  Truly hoped at the time she would bless me with some of the "God fodder" she had, stickers, books, writing paper and when she started too and couldn't bring herself to, I learned how taking what isn't yours ruins the blessing you might have received from someone and how you ruin their opportunity to give something and feel good.

A giant pause there.  I sat down thinking so many things and questioning so many things as usual.  Haven't had much opportunity to write as interruptions are constant here.  Husband out of a dead sleep and banging around now.  So it stops here and I will attempt to finish a thought later some time.

The Desire to Master a 2 Sentence Facebook Post and Save the World is No Easy Task.......

Well it’s Wednesday again.  It is my only weekday off.  The only day I have to get important M-F 8-5 business done.  Always had a job where at the least, we could use the phone.  Current job has requires being tethered to a headset for 6.5 hours of my shift with no interruptions allowed. It never fails, when I am working on getting Tawni home with us, the check engine light is on again in my truck, and the battery is doing something weird.  I just muddle through though.  I can at least laugh at the many odd co-incidences and strange anomalies that go on around me.  People tend to think I am nuts until they are around and witness things.  The one thing I enjoy about growing old is the ability to laugh at things that used to plague me.  The realization and confirmation, that something out there has a little control over some things.  The confirmation may be as simple as thinking that three people, in different cities may coincidentally all lock their keys in their cars in a Wal-Mart parking lot at the exact same time.  I had to test the theory to be sure they were not just test calls set up by my employer.  After the next similar occurrence, I chose to believe something out there knows when we are paying attention.

Picking a track, much less staying on it, is always going to be a chore.  Just came in from driving the girls to school.  Riding home after dropping off the kids at school, I had an epiphany (I like to call them).  I was going to paste on Facebook.  In the few steps from the car to the desk, the words originally thought to post, quickly go from a sentence to a paragraph.  I then thought of the blog and a thousand other ideas.  Sitting now, trying to put it all into something easily understood, grammatically correct, interesting enough for a stranger to read and most of all-something my children will be able to follow and understand. 

Sitting here, pausing in between paragraphs, being overwhelmed with a million feelings, a thousand thoughts and ideas and finally a small sense of peace, laughing at myself, the realization………

The realization that I am incapable of a single thought process has inspired a "key" for reading my posts.  Attempts to put thoughts into a bulleted list would result in running out of sub identifiers.  Moving forward, when the thought process interrupts the thought process, a change in font color will signify it.  Making it easier to just keep writing and refrain from the over explaining.  This is the only way to get passed over explaining everything.  This paragraph, Words’ spelling and grammar check, and various other things have even inspired me use this blog to better myself.  Desire to change manner of thinking and speaking  to a more effective manner are also fuel to this blogs fire. It is a bit odd to have a blog so lacking in direction, that reads more like a diary than ……….

Stopped for definition of blog. 

A regularly updated website or web page, typically one run by an individual or small group, which is written in an informal or conversational style.

Thankfully, that “stopped that train in its tracks” and inspired a newfound confidence in writing this blog.  On that note, an hour and ½ has passed since I started writing this.  Turning on spell check and grammar check was a real test and took up most of that time.  No one can say I am unwilling to change or improve though.  My original post to Facebook was going to be:

Today I am grateful for:

         1.   Being blessed with not knowing how awful my life was while I was living                   it.  Hindsight is an amazing buffer.

         2.   Having the will to fight becoming a product of that torture and examples in               place to give me direction and inspire me to rise above it.

         3.   A heart that continues to over ride my mind, pushing me to keep helping                  others who are enduring the same or worse, instead of focusing on me.

         4.  All of the people I call family/friends who continue to inspire me.

      The only thing I could want for is the faith that there is a God and He would protect us from suffering.  That is a whole other 3-hour post for sure.

When you haven't opened mail in months start with the junk mail........

,I opened and envelope tonight, haven't opened any mail in about a month just haven't wanted to deal with any of it. Mostly the medical bills. From Tori almost dieing, my leg (took 3 months to get any notice I owed anything for those visits and yes in the "olden days with Maricopa County and BCBS I either paid $10/doctor and $5/prescriptions or I paid nothing just gave them my card.). I thought it was BMG that old company that would front you music and videos (another funny long story)

THEN I see it, it's addressed to me first line, Tori my 10 year old on the next line like its a joint account or something. Nothing about the letter is familiar at all just says, Tami Jo (uh yeah i used that name never)your creditor, __________has assigned your account to us for collections. None of the dates or reference numbers, addresses match anything familiar and no company I have heard of, Guess it could still be the music vendor but since Tori is on it I can assume it is related to her hospital stay. Says I have 30 days to of course pay them, dispute the validity of the debt or it is valid AND THEN THEY will get a valid copy of the debt and file a judgement.THEN in 30 days they will "PROVIDE ME WITH THE NAME OF THE ORIGINAL CREDITOR, IF IT IS A DIFFERENT CREDITOR THEY WILL TELL ME.. HMMMMMM,

So lets go back to the 4 day hospital stay when Tori almost died. We hit the urgent care, 2 hospitals, 1 ambulance ride we had no choice but to take, and 4 follow up doctor visits x 3 kids. which we had to take out a $350 loan for because it wasn't payday, that was for urgent care and 3 doctor visits.

So now i have to respond in some way (or not, 20 years cleaning up my credit and now this shit). All I foresee immediately is people getting these letters in 100x the capacity that we have know before. from companies that don't exist and that is just due to having health insurance. My minor child should not even be mentioned on this paper. Period. She is 10 and can't even work to earn a living or make her own medical decisions. back the fuck off. then no itemized billing with dates and proof I actually owe something?? really, and that is legal? If i actually owe you money by all means map it out for me. How the hell did we get ourselves in this mess? I can't call Experian and say "so and so has sent me a fraudulent bill, if they attempt to report negatively on anyone please alert everyone and don't allow them to report to you.....

Working Out the Bugs aka Airing Out My Head

STARTED THIS ON FACEBOOK LAST NIGHT SOMETIME BETWEEN 10PM AND 12AM. JUST LEFT IT SITTING ON MY WALL UN POSTED, LINGERING. Figuring that sometimes my baggage is just too sad for some people to even have to read. Figured here the whole universe can chose to read it or not... May not be the best route either but most of the time what is say is truly meant to be screamed at whatever powers that be that can or will help or care.

Had thought earlier about finally doing something in this "blog without a cause" or "rant without a reason"......lol. Still trying to find and keep my sense of humor as I slowly die inside. Missing and feeling i have failed my oldest child. Feeling bad for the other three and licking my wounds as a lifetime of liars and lies seem to become my harsh reality. My head is not filled with the usual barage of ideas, thoughts or pre-planted wisdom from others, but a place filled with harsh truths-- I was too naive to hear or too stupid to realize, play over and over.


NOW BACK TO THE "THIS", the never seen on Facebook, facebook post.....

And just when i think i couldn't be more sad, my husband careless corrects my math helping me realize that i had been stuck on 9 years for some reason, Tawni has been gone since 8/13/2004. OMG. and that is 12 years of making slow progress while jobs, and landlords, and lord knows who screwed us over, stole from us and we kept trying and staying close. Not some bullshit get her back screw up, start over constant, slow tedious painful progress and having her emotionally and mentally tortured for getting near us. GOD DAMN IT OR BLESS IT give me my child.

Now 2 hours after starting this, I will close again for now. I feel like I could write for hours, but knowing it would have no direction or purpose. I'm not so big on purpose, as direction, for my own sanity really. I have been told that I "do say things that inspire feelings in people, or thoughts they hadn't processed or given them a message they needed to hear". That freed me from the obsessive desire to save the world and to just write. What holds me back is the inability to make it all "usable". To express myself without so much explanation. Maybe even understand me. Leaning now toward explaining me to my oldest child. And her sisters, really, but idk.

I never wanted them to know the sadness i have known, their pity is not my goal either. I didn't want them to know the reality of how awful both sets of grandparents truly were and are. Then I think, they chose that path not me, an I hope someone gets pictures of it-----wow that came out of left field, anyway......more to come, or not. Sometimes I just start typing and words and paragraphs come out that i am barely aware of what i write. I don't know where the words come from, I just let them come, usually it is something positive (I hope) for someone in particular. Sometimes I don't remember writing them...

lastly the "things that go bump" in my house are back again. Not just noises or missing things, this time actual proof, but will save that for another time and hope it is figuring out what all of these things mean, if anything at all

May 30th 2014 and 2016,

Well, thanks to Facebook "Memories" this may all get pieced together faster than originally anticipated.  Some of it anyway.  Or I will copy and paste and ramble on for a few days, then quit for 6 months, hard to say.  If I try to force the writing it has no meaning or clarity to anyone, so I don't, most days I want to but don't.  I keep hoping I will figure out some "gift" or ability or some reason why or how I "know things".  I wanted it to help find out who murdered my dad.  Not necessarily for the recognition, although 5 min of fame would be interesting, but mostly because someone needs to be locked up for it.

Well anyway, facebook two years ago,

Tami Tillman

May 30, 2014 at 6:21pm  

I felt the need to explain me a little since everyone has been worried. I post trying to find answers to what goes on and forget you all don't always know what the hell is going on. 

I promise if I am ever so "mental" that I need help or my kids need help I will personally ask anyone or everyone for help. 

1st I promise to write the book someday soon about what happened with my oldest child and the series of unfortunate events, horrible people and unexplained anomalies that can ruin someone's life and no one would believe even with witnesses. 

2nd, I have through hindsight, trial and error and my current husband witnessing--had the misfortune of realizing that when someone I care about (which now means a list of about 350 people) is dying or having something so monumental going on physically that I "know it", feel it, act it out (for lack of a better explanation). IE: the day my sister was arrested I was hysterically worried about her, which is only a mild explanation of what goes on with me. Pretty hard to describe. 

Keeping it short, haha,  I will leave it with the worst of all of the experiences being when my dad and his wife were murdered. I was attempting to move in an apartment in Phoenix after being on the streets, literally and was an emotional wreck.  I kept calling my dads' house and needed to get a hold of him with an annoying fierceness I had never felt before. Figured out in hindsight, by piecing together the timeline from reports, the police etc. we determined it was while the act was being committed. It left the police believing I was a suspect (I later found out). 

So sorry if I worry you. I am actually so worried about everyone that I am trying to figure out what is up. That is also why I ask what's up with all of you. Trying to match my "symptoms" or thoughts to someone I know and/or love suffering somehow or near death.   If you weren't sure before, know that I care about everyone more than is humanly normal. I have also been known to pass along (in my silliest Veggie Tales voice) a message from the Lord when someone is feeling lost and alone too. (I assume that's where it comes from, need to write THAT book too, just collecting testimony for now). 

So keep me or delete me but don't worry if get emo, just know it will pass in a day or two. This time the husband was seriously in the dog house which doesn't help the emotions much but when these episodes happen this house is usually under some spiritual "attack" and we are human and fall for the b.s. some times. It's been about 7 years since he (husband) really blew it, so what can you do, meaning decided to use the episode to start a fight between us so he could have a reason to leave.  <3

Just a Little Insight. Should Have Started This Two Years ago.......Better late than never.

Tami Tillman shared a memory.

May 29, 2016  Just realized this was exactly 2 years ago.  Interesting· 

Well imagine that, I wrote something I liked reading later. It still applies. My proofreading skills or lack thereof, seem unnecessary thank god. Hell I may learn something from what I write. When I do at any length I truly go outside of my heart and mind and it just flows through me. Didn't realize until someone said i sounded like, Erma Bombeck (maybe), and when I went back to read what it was I didn't even remember writing it, at all.

Tami Tillman

May 29, 2014 · 

I was going to post something sappy yet 1/2 comical (which pretty much means jumping off of something is off the table for today....in front of something still lingers: o) then I decided to take a shower.....Since a little episode back in 1997 I do my best thinking there....anyway I was going to look for my happy pills and now have decided to ride this one out.

 Expecting it to be an E-ticket ride (if you don't know don't ask, you are far too young and probably hot, you'll just make me feel old and I will cry). The part that stuck though was........(if I stay on here surfing the feed I cry so humor me) If you have a minute, please wow me with something wonderful or amazing that happened to you today, or any other day. Or if you are having a rough day park your butt here and watch and see what "they" have to say.....I finally remembered the best part of my life was when I was probably single, had some mediocre job that I loved too much and a car I couldn't afford and lots of people to watch. When I resigned myself to the reality that "those things" and "those lives" weren't for me--I would ruin them. So I would just watch and listen to people being happy, doing things, seeing things, loving and living and didn't complain or talk about me at all. I just got to enjoy seeing people happy and the fact that I was blessed with being near those people was more than I was entitled to anyway.

 If you are feeling at all sad for me or a glimpse of pity--kick it to the curb--take this whole post very literally and with less emotion--that is my job--I have had it since I was 7--hell I could drive a Scout, shoot a 357 and a semi auto with barely a bruise by then too so I can't be quite as emo as I often appear right?

 Oh yeah, finally almost started the blog too, of course I'm all OCD over it already can't decide on a background picture for the damn thing, but also rapidly gaining speed on how to put it to work for me too. by "partnering" with businesses for commissions on ads etc. Exit the ride to your left please and thank you for keeping your arms and legs inside the ride, Lord knows if you were injured the guilt would eat me alive and I surely can't afford the insurance!! Off to bother you all with a big girl question.

See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil....A Message from the Lord? or One Woman's' Elaborate Excuses to Avoid the Doctor?

Came up with the header for this in just the time it took me to cut and paste from facebook.  Ironically a Dr. Seuss cartoon was on talking about ears and hearing, all that goes with what you hear, how you hear and what to with all of that responsibility and miraculous wonder of it all.  

I was then able to come up with that age old saying.  Then feel comfortable that I do try to speak no evil.  Leading to me hoping that is all I was to learn from this.  That it was all I should "speak" about this.  I laugh at the odd coincidence of the whole "experience" and my take on it.  Laughing as I add this while proofreading, that I have earned the nickname "turbo tangent" and am glad to have turned being an emo, spaz, who fought depression into, at least something more humorous, and truly hope it is something more important.  Then back to the realization that i may lose my voice next and a healthy grip on reality that says I should see a doctor.  For now my eyesight is back and they can't very well test what ain't broken right?  

Well back to the would be facebook post turned blogger moment simply to spare those who prefer to check on me one sentence at a time and can't or don't want to deal with "all of this".

Facebook was spared.......

Woke up with Tony to send him off to work at 4am. Then fell asleep on the couch. Sometime later woke up to the sound of kids arguing, imagine that.  Tried to get up and my back hurt so badly I couldn't move and realized I couldn't see either. Just went back to sleep. Kept waking up and found my condition to be the same. Didn't say anything to the kids. Finally, about an hour ago (four hours on the couch) I told them to call their dad.  I had to go to the bathroom. No choice but to get up. 

Fought through the back pain and actually found that I do know where just about everything is in my house and a human voice, with my ears, can work like sonar to help keep me from running into everything. Anyway made it to the bathroom. Tori helped me find my coffee and luckily was nice enough to help me figure out the difference between my circle K coffee cup and the ashtray (that is a cup with a top) without letting me drink the wrong one. Cigarette is still hard to light, even though I could see bright white sparkler lights in front of my face, without your vision and a child you don't to get burned or have them practicing smoking. 

Second cigarette and back pain is OK, and my vision came back. Still unsure if the vision was gone or lids wouldn't open. I was oddly totally calm. 

My Tonni brought me a picture she had drawn prior to all of this. I recall her saying she was leaving it on my bed while I was on the couch. I turned to look at it and see the face with lips smiling and eyes were a line, closed eyes, but I laughed and said "could you please draw me with eyes from now on just in case?  "Keep the smile and give me ears too just to be safe".  I laughed, having previously fearing that things i said could possibly put a curse on people, and will keep an eye on that possibility.  

Through so many years of paying close attention to what goes on around me, how I affect the world and how people are, what they do and say and what they actually feel, you name it, I try to pay attention to it all and have focused somehow on what they feel.  How things that happen make them feel and how it affects what they do.  I'm not sure why. (well i am sure but will intermittently revert back to all of that as I go along)  I, now able to quote history, know I empathize, intercede, prophesy (carefully and quietly) for others, and I am realistic that I have my own share of medical issues and know a lot about stress induced everything. 

All of this works well enough to keep me from having to go to the doctor. Which is fine with me because right now I just won't go or go anywhere near a hospital. I have lost faith in criminal justice system, the medical "system" and the government is close behind.  School system too.  I just felt compelled to share.  I have this forum to hide behind a little better than facebook and also because some just don't "go there" with all of my wonder about God, and if there is one, and all of the unseen.  Some will just say I need to go to the doctor and I will love everyone for their advice and experience.  I am no scientologist, yet won't "go God" completely until I meet him. Will probably elaborate (i know can you imagine having MORE to say about anything?) on my "blog". 

I, in hindsight, know I am forewarned of things to come.  Combined with  The absence of fear in my heart right now tells me, well, to be prepared. I try to be, and always think how others would feel, ask how others would feel in case I can't imagine, and am grateful for seeing again and that i could make it to the bathroom and to my desk, and my smokes, and blessed that I didn't have to have my kids type this and read me your responses and I try not to take any of it for granted.

That all took over 4 hours to write and edit.  In a house with 1 dad who came home at 2pm to check on me, 3 girls on the first day of Summer Break and a crazy mom.  We are still missing one 15 year old.  Which may make it all crazier or even things out, but I hope we get to find out.  I am a "fixer" by nature, so we may start going to the library so I can write fluidly and give a specified amount of time to it uninterrupted (or at least less than I am here) and regularly.  Whether to empty out my head, ask for advice or possibly it will turn into my way to earn a living.  Realizing that it probably never will.  I am aware now that if was going to do anything and get rich or even just keep me afloat someone should have just picked something for me to do and pointed me in that direction.  The woman who raised me "the best she could" has left me now and she told me "you can be anything you put your mind to or do anything you want".  I could never do more than what was in front of me and out of desperation usually except to try and make it something worthy, help someone else doing it as that always felt better than doing things for myself. 

Loving people is what I do best, but for now that as a paying job is illegal.  
I was 1/2 raised by a family that taught me to find the humor in it all at some point as laughter feels much better than all hurt that reality brings and there aren't always answers for all the "why's" in the universe.