The Unwinding of a Tortured Mind and Soul.

 Started to reply to a nextdoor post and it turned into a rant about everything wrong with the world today.  Posted it here for future elaboration if I live through it.  I probably should have read all 99 responses but the final one was a big enough shock and set me off so....

12/07/2022

Harold C.

Conocido Park • 18 hr ago • 

Just found out Kroger company, parent of Fry's Food & Drug, will not accept Tricare insurance at any of their pharmacies starting 01/01/23. Tricare is the health insurance for active, reserve, retired military personnel and their families, which accounts for less than 1% of the U.S. population. Presuming this is all about money, it's hard to believe that Kroger would seek whatever mini spike in profit this will yield at the expense of those who serve or who have served our country. No doubt Fry's will have colorful displays throughout their stores on Memorial, Independence and Veterans Day to show their patriotism. But in truth, being told to go elsewhere for our prescription needs should show me and all my fellow veterans the real way Kroger "thanks us for our service". And to think they even gave me a VIP shopper's card!

99 Comments

Chelle Gxxx

So sad to hear, so hard for me to understand how businesses will take our taxpayer money being used by illegal immigrants but will not give an insensitive to those who have given their life away for an agreed term to protect this nation we live in. Makes me so sad!

2 hr ago

Tami T.

I read the post, I only saw Chelle Gxxx comment, which made no sense after the 3rd read........It sounded like my conversation with the T-mobile agent today when she said "thank you for letting me help you mumble, mumble, we want to help you to wish wash bull shit, not do a damn thing mumble we are transparent and so please to service you mumble and not even form real sentences and please don't share that 4g towers are just being converted to 5g and now that you left your service there are e 3 towers down in your area..... It is everywhere. 

I hate to bring people down if you aren't seeing it but I think it has gotten to the point that everyone, unless you are the perpetrator, will begin to see the discrimination of all kinds, the fraud, the lack of honesty in general and so many passive aggressive, smile in your face and almost blatantly screw you over and give you the proof and just not give a crap and take all they can. 

I have always tried to see the good, make excuses for shortcomings of others and do what I can to help others when I can, but something has gone horribly wrong.  Check your receipts.  Ask questions when something feels wrong.  Be honest and ask others to stop patronizing businesses that say one thing and do another, that claim to be all American and constantly over charge or don't provide a service or product for a fair price or good value.  

The things I see from my "used to be middle class, blue collar" seat, people don't want to believe, people are a part of so much illegal, immoral, unpatriotic, unchristian, unacceptable business and don't like being called out, and all the checks and balances supposedly put in place to protect the American Dream, or honest law-abiding citizens have gone away.   

I went back again to read Chelles comment, thinking I was supporting, her support, of this post..... I did at least admit my mistake and went back to read again--this is the problem, people who blame "illegals and the drug addicts" for everything and don't even double check their post to make sure it is understandable and relevant, just yell "yeah lock up the borders and put all the homeless and drug addicts in a hole or out of site  It nd can probably afford to buy food and gas, when some of us who worked our asses off to finally hit a 6 digit income at age 55 have to pick one or the other. 

I haven't heard much about people crossing the border however I bet it has slowed considerably and someone should have shut the one from California, before those of us who rent became the lower class.  

If you are blessed enough to have an endless supply of cash and an attorney on retainer, you might make it.  People take up a cause on their cell phones and dole out advice on how to help and never actually check the facts.  I have been trying to share some of my series of unfortunate events that landed my family almost homeless with money in the bank, in a car deal set for repossession before we even left the lot by a local dealer in business in Scottsdale for 30 years, and a list of other fellow Americans who think that taking from honest people who aren't rich is ok,  That we don't need military or police to protect us. 

Healthcare is a joke, I had no clue what could go on until I by chance caught my company, with employees all over the country in the 100,000's cutting off everyone's healthcare for a day twice a year.  The kickback from that would be enough for me to live for a few years, at least.  I just needed to get some of that off my chest and ask people to stop putting up with crap.  Stop contributing to businesses and people who are shitty and back each other up.  Don't take out your loss on another and think it is ok or "works out in the wash".  I want to be the first that I know of to suggest a new motto "All Lives Matter".  Anything else is breeding discrimination.  Doesn't anyone else see this? 

 I WILL Digress as I could write a book, but I will do it once we are back on our feet, and my kids are fine again. 

BUT I WILL ASK, especially if you are financially fine, and have time and energy to spare and have no experience with a loss, or just care take the time to take up a cause.  Confirm what someone is describing and make it a point to change your pharmacy and let Kroger know you are doing it because they don't support the military.  Or make a call and find out why and ask them to reconsider.  

Oh, and by the way, all that think there is so much financial help out there, or any help, your suggestions turned out more disappointment, I honestly don't think a large amount of Covid money, like stimulus money went to the needy or ay good cause.  During covid if you lived in any city except Phoenix and Glendale you could get up to $30k in assistance for rent or mortgage if you applied and got an appointment.  Phoenix and Glendale could attempt to get an appointment as usual with the city, you could not have already lost your home and the amount was usually up to $3k.  A coworker of my husband who was still employed, working from home in Scottsdale and received the 1-time payment of $30k.  I was put on a waiting list, by the time the city got around to calling me, the owner of our home had sold it and we couldn't qualify for the assistance without a lease somewhere.....  

I was not a trump supporter, however when he was in office, I had a rented home I could afford, a couple of older cars and was finally going to Disneyland with 3 teenagers who had never had a vacation.  My teenager just got her first job 20 hours a week, filed forms for exempt since she is 15, can't drive, can't vote, and they took $7 in federal taxes..........we make under 6 figures right now and $100 a week is not more than half of her living expenses...

Gearing up again. Hoping to find the reason I started this and the people it was meant to reach. Be Blessed and safe!!

     Well it has been too long.  Just posting now so this doesn't get shut down and had to be sure I could find it.

    A lot of people have passed since I wrote last and a lot has been lost.  We are almost a full year into this covid-19 pandemic and the end of the term for Donald Trump all crazy things we never thought we would see in a lifetime.  

    More soon.  I have a full day of holding people accountable, collecting money, ditching work because it sucks and stresses me out and at the end of the day serves no real good purpose really except stressing me out and throwing me off track of how life should be. 

Airing out the dirty laundry in public only bothers those who never intended to "wash it" in the first place.......

No fancy fonts today. No proofreading or rehashing and rethinking. Just me trying to move up in life through the mostly financial issues that go on. Yes there are medical issues and personal problems to deal with but as I sit today and think most things that plague me could be solved or at least come to terms with if a bag of money would drop from the sky-just enough to cover the well thought out plan or even better-if some person who had done something to cause a loss or hardship would come clean, apologize and whatever loss was suffered could be restored to get me to where "God's plan" kicks in and I can just work, be there enough for my kids for them to be productive happy members of society. I will go on without that miracle as some of those apologies would not bring people back to life and couldn't be forgiven.

I had started this blog not knowing what to write but being pretty sure I had something to say that would inspire something to go right or pain free for someone else. For someone to have some epiphany while reading that inspired them to greatness or to forgive when they wouldn't have or understand when someone needed them to or be able to overcome something that was holding them back. I have lived a meager existence and always wished I could have done more, learned more, seen more of the world and was a pleasure to be around while doing it. I hate liars and have no time for people who can't just tell the truth and waste others time, emotions, money so they have no choice but guard themselves and can't see fit to assist others who truly need it because of the liars. People who steal the innocence of children and usual sexual, financial, physical power to control others and profit have no business existing with decent humans either.

I am now pressed for time and need to get on with work, dealing with my legs, a real shower since i have had my legs in soft casts for a month, and so far blogging is not keeping the lights on, since finding direction and combining that with making a living doing something great have escaped me so far. Below is the facebook short novella for the day that reached the length of "oh my god no one will really want to read this or if they do they will be left saying oh my god how sad or how frustrating, poor thing". So I moved it here and will try to find a foundation, a purpose, a direction for it later. That brings 4000 other things to mind so I will just be fine with knowing I needed to put it all out of my head and onto paper since my close friends all are geographically far, their resources are limited as well so "helping" is probably not going to happen and finally maybe this is the purpose. I know if I died today there would be things I never got to say to my kids. They would have no idea what I truly go through and how much goes into every decision I make and why I am who I am. Remember too, if you ever said anything positive about anything i have written you are responsible too! I am not arrogant and probably need to be more confident but am feeling blessed to be humble, to question how I affect the universe and the people around me and wanting so badly to just work, be there for my kids, have a decent home and life and take 1 vacation with my husband and children before they are too old and just do it on their own with others who can afford to do so. I have hoped for a miracle all my life, I have needed a prince or savior to show up and save me since I was 7 and used to hope that being good and honest and all the things people needed someone to be would eventually lead me to financial stability and a "normal" life.

There goes another half hour......Here is the facebook post.......

Supposed to start yard sale, again, today. Couldn't pull it off. It's only been like a month and a 1/2, where normal people just plan it an put it all out there, I can't seem to coordinate being off work, getting signs out, getting prices on everything and making it happen. We are like the only house on the block without a garage and you drive in the neighborhood right into our house so they neighbors will call the city if I put everything in the carport and on the back porch the dogs will eat it all or the neighborhood squirrels will take over. humph. stupid middle aged white girl with lazy kids issues.

I can't seem to get my compression socks on without hurting myself so I will wing it until Monday doing my best not to let them swell or open the wound at all. The spot where it all started before is a half dollar sized circle right at the base of my ankle on top of my foot. It is mocking me all bright red and ready to have me screw up and rub something against it.

None of it would be sooo stressful if Tony's truck hadn't just taken a crap after having to spend $800 on tires and mine keeps wavering on running with a "reduced engine power" light on. It is hard to make that decision to trade your "old reliables" in for something new. Especially when you have kids who will be driving soon and just spent money to fix them. I have been working on our credit but we are nowhere near 0% GM financing or anything and our rating for car insurance is improving but reflective of a small fender bender. I had honestly almost gotten comfortable that we were on the right path and had a vehicle to keep it going. If I can't drive all the work i have done with kids doctors, dentist, ortho, and my legs, is all dead in the water.

I haven't said much. Trying to be respectful and just knowing there isn't much I can do and have to get over it. My mother hated personal business being aired on here, but with that expectation I say don't do things you wouldn't want other people to know about. I am also sick of assholes getting away with shit and no one holding them accountable. Public humiliation is a great tool. Plus some assholes have gotten away with treating me like some kind of pond scum and aren't even grateful for what their bullshit netted them. When my mom died (alone in a hospital feeling like a financial burden when she worked her butt off for most of her life) everything was to be sold and split between me and my sister. it narrowed down to half of my half going into funds for my kids college. no other stipulation put on Wendi's except she was to get a check for $400 a month until the money was gone. Her son lived with my mother and was supposed to go somewhere and changed up to going with my cousin. At the time I had, before I saw a will or knew what was going on and only knew the basic terms, said "if you need whatever money there is to care for him fine take it but please file a document with the court itemizing such expenses so my sister is aware of what was done for her". this should have been done anyway. As we sit again without a vehicle I am aware that my nephew is driving her (at the time) brand new vehicle. Half of $25,000 right now would definitely put us in a vehicle that would run a minute. and i have a bunch of people acting like they were entitled. That is not what my mom wanted. Everyone thinks what they want about my mom and I's relationship and think they can benefit from it not being perfect or that i will just roll over and believe she gave everything to Dakota. I love him and want the best for him and I think it is sad that no one else feels that same about my kids. The trust fund has been eliminated and nothing ever filed with the court So not only did my kids miss out on my mom for 18 years but what she left them and me is gone and I after offering to pay for it to be shipped never even got the pictures from our lives. I got her costume jewelry but someone still has her wedding ring and my grandma's birthstone ring (not to mention any gold she had outside of 1 set my oldest daughter got without going through me. (I do still have legal rights to my daughter, pay child support and her grandparents are guardians only.

Sorry this is so long, so personal, but I have to let it out and I hope those of you who know me and have taken some stock in loving me and caring will not pity me as I have never needed that, but will just say a prayer for me as it seems sometimes if your own family has left you holding the bag for all their shortcomings and wrong doings that God can't hear you anymore. Their are still people living who profited from my dad's death and they were owed nothing. I will attempt to regain that for my children. I didn't have a father growing up and suffered dearly for it and if anyone should have that money well ya know. I missed out on regaining a normal relationship with my mother that ended when I was 7 and got put on hold after 30 years because my sister chose to ruin a good part of my life getting arrested and using my name and wasting the opportunity to start over again while her son had 18 years with my mother and kids barely knew her. I know what she left for me and what is required by law in handling my moms estate. None of it was done correctly and I don't know how you steal from someone and call them a loser with any conviction. I used my moms info to get electricity when her and Wendi left and paid the bill for 15 days before it was shut off and I was without it for some time since i had a felony record to clear that wasn't even my own.

Anyway. I don't lie because of everything I have been through. If I attempt to I quickly admit it and apologize. I don't want or take what isn't mine or meant for me because I can't. I finally like me (personality wise and sense of loyalty and honesty---outer me I can't stand to look at but that is a whole other therapy session) and treat everyone I encounter like I would want to be treated and will go to bat for what is right no matter who is involved (complete honesty requires me to say not everyone, if you are a child molester or have taken another life due to greed, desire to control another life or hurt animals you are on your own and I will now, at this age break every other rule to see your life end because there is no hope for you or your soul) I am not perfect but I have answered for what I have done wrong in this life and hold only one "secret" not because there is shame in it but to protect the lives and minds of my children.

I will attempt to move forward from today, as I wish I had the power and knowledge and resources to 22 years ago when it happened, but could not have and just acknowledge that and will finally accept that there is a God who knew that too and He had intended me to know this when I was born and to be this secure in being a good person, telling the truth and speaking the truth loud and proud when someone is trying to silence the innocent.

Larkin Poe - Mad As A Hatter

For My Mom, For Myself and For My Kids. Too Many Lessons To Learn From Without Her Here To Teach You. R.I.P. Momma.

Thank you all for sticking by me.  Thank you for loving me, worrying about me, donating to the cause when we were sure we'd live under a bridge and for not giving up on me when I wanted to or because some shitty "I'm better than you" jerk tried to make me feel that way.

On the way home from taking kids to school, when I usually pull in the driveway in tears due to some song hitting my heart and mind, I just pulled in.  Smiled and felt like me again, maybe a little better, not sad, not angry, just me.

Calling yesterday to hear the news I had already known in my heart for so long just ended it.  For the most part anyway.  Mom loved me and no one can take that away.  We know what went on that cheated us out of happy years together and who was to blame for that.  I know I am who I am because I chose to be.  I have more friends than most people would know what to do with.  I know the heart of every one of them and know why they were put in front of me.  The "thing" that made each one of you important to me and even if I have not met you in person or we rarely talk I can tell each of you the trait that makes you unique and why I wanted to be like you and have you influence my life.

I am still human. I am still angry. I will, if given the chance, take and means necessary to get back what was taken from me, my sister, and most of all my kids.  I am not completely over it and will still fight.  I will have to work and letting it go.  I will not let it consume me though.  I have been blessed with being in recovery, part of that process enabled me to live with a clear conscious, and that is priceless.

I was blessed with a wonderful husband.  I do not say much about him often as it has been a process.  My mom taught me if I wanted her to like someone, I should avoid telling her the shitty things someone does as it makes him or her hard to like.  Therefore, I have waited, as none of us is perfect, and he tries.  That is more than many people are blessed with.  I pay close attention to what others go through, and I can claim this blessing.  He works harder than he should and being married to him comes with its price too, but I can say, and I hope this time it doesn't feel like I am not allowed to, that we will have what we need to survive.  That is huge.  I have lived with nothing standing on a corner not far from where I am now, and I didn't get myself there and still can't grasp it all, but it won't happen again and as long as i breathe won't happen to my kids.

It is funny how something so small can change things.  I always play the lottery; hit the casino with supervision every so often, and then just work at doing what I can to earn a living.  The other day Papa John has had a post that said, "Tell us something nice you did and win a pizza".  I do not often get any pleasure from "bragging" about the things i do during the day.  It is not my money I give away at work, however I am accountable for it.  So anyway, I posted something from work and a personal thing I do and won a pizza.  It was delicious and I found a promo to get another free pizza for ordering and a 1/2 off coupon.  Therefore, we had a lot of pizza.  I can no longer say I never win anything and being nice can pay off in the end.

I, again, cannot lie I do not do nice things in search of a big payoff or easy lot in life but I can dream and wish that something would come easy.  At least something would come without a fight.  Alternatively, that something left to me would just be graciously given to me.  My mom never helped me with money, but I didn't care I earned it, however she did repeatedly say "you will get it when I die" and will not easily forget how I was treated by someone I adored and will not say any less than no matter what I am I am not a thief.  I will be happy I won the pizza that I am a nice person, and that I would not do the things done to me because no one deserves to be treated the way I have been.

I wanted the money my mom left to me (because it is rightfully mine and I shouldn't even be explaining myself, but that wasn't enough to make it so) so my husband could take some time off work, even just enough to have his surgery and rest a minute.  We could make up for the honeymoon we never had, take the vacation we never had, and take our kids to Disneyland and pick up my step sister, and her wife and my step brother if he was up for it and their mom along the way to Disney World to spread my mom's ashes in Florida (it is the only warm beach I will ever be able to afford to visit).  I would buy a brand new car, I would fix my teeth so I could smile again, I would fix my husband and my eyes so we could see clearly for a while, put an air conditioner in the '93 Mercury my husband gave to our child and if anything was left would put a down payment on a house.  My kids would have money earning interest for college, luckily we will still be broke enough that they will qualify for a luxury I did not~~Pell grants and hopefully scholarships.  I would have a good handle on how to manage money.  A newfound faith in not worrying too much about not having enough (that cripples you into missing out on everything) that I could share with them (so they didn't have to go through working out all those childhood issues and poor choices that I had to) so they can get along in life.

I will end this, and get on with my day off, with saying I am proud that my mom entrusted me finally to have given my share of her estate in a lump sum of whatever it was.  I am confident that I earned that trust and I need no confirmation from anyone else.  I may never have the chance to tell my sister that I could blame her for all the opportunity she wasted.  How her choices left us in the position to be taken advantage of.  How lucky she is to have had the time she did with my mother, the time her child spent with my mom and the part he played in keeping me from her.  It would not matter, if she were not aware already she never would be.  I will still know my mom left Wendi’s' portion paid out in monthly payments to be sure she had at least a roof over her head.  In a normal family, I know my family could have moved to TX and kept the house going, kept Dakota with us and had a place for Wendi to come when she was released from prison.  I could have gotten myself to TX for my mom if I had not trusted my aunt to get me there.  It was the first time I had trusted my fate to anyone without question.  She made me promise to wait for her to come get me.  With that I will have to let go of the anger that I hold just knowing had I gotten there she would not have died alone.  Period. 

If there is a God what happened to miracles, burning bushes and people being smited?

There it is! Silly me thought we had made some unspoken "rise above the bullshit of being broke and unable to do shit about it" upgrade in the universe. To just be able to get a car fixed, or buy a new car at less than 30% interest or catch a flight when someone is dying or buy groceries and afford utilities or just plain be able to earn money and not get screwed over.

Tony just broke down on the off ramp in Peoria. AAA will go get the damn car and bring it home. He was about a minute away from asking for a monthly gas allowance and we might have be able to get a new car (as opposed to throwing money away fixing old cars) and had actually started to consider trying to buy a house. All things considered we still rate among the bottom feeders that aren't fit to be blessed it seems. I am smart enough to know I am not getting a car repo'd ever again so we aren't racing into that option much less losing a house.

My truck has been driven for 5 months with a check engine light on and we still owe (triple the usual cost it seems) the mechanic, I used to trust, for the last repair. I take kids to school and pick them up so he can't drive my truck and it would only make it to his work about 3 times before it broke down. They still haven't gotten us his "401K" from his last job, and won't for another month, and it is already earmarked for bills.

Still all just pisses me off when my aunt/cousin should have sent me a check months ago for at least $25,000 and that is on the low side, they have lied about everything so that number is based on what I know, I probably don't want to know what she actually had. They were able to do that by just omitting information and me not being able to do a damn thing about it. So fucking tired of ppl stealing our money or holding it hostage. Tired of being the exception to every rule of everything and people expecting me to just still and suffer or being forced to because I don't have enough money to "make" people do anything. For example: give me the shit my mom left for me, pay out money we earned (and should have never lost any of much less having a hardship withdrawal ignored or denied).

Truly the problem is in the way I see things. I have been around long enough to accept that I am blessed with certain "gifts" or abilities or whatever you want to call it. I can see things others barely notice (I'm pretty sure), I find myself in position to see when something is wrong, have some sign to confirm that it is wrong, and am smart enough to seek out a solution to fix the problem or hold someone accountable. Then I have had some experience that enables me to see how it went wrong (and nobody else noticed or others actually were a party, maybe unwittingly, and I am able to know that too)know what the "wrong" is and that I couldn't stop it (so I don't focus on that and skip the blaming me part) then have the knowledge and confidence to fight for what is right.

Then the curse comes in and the blessing is automatically voided by me being equally aware that I don't possess the resources to do anything about the problem and if I try to the loss usually multiplies. Furthermore I have the hindsight to see that I couldn't have done anything differently; aware of the incidents where I could done something if someone else hadn't affected my destiny (usually by lying or stealing), the right now realization that I am not going to be able to be able do anything to improve my situation or hold anyone accountable (which I try not to cry about for long) and the foresight to see and accept that I will never have more than exactly what I need and even one mistake in judgement will result in that not even being true. I will think of a million possibilities for answers to problems (like calling the 401k ppl and again asking for a hardship withdrawal now) that are feasible and thinking that comes from some higher power and I will be able to fix the problem. Time and time again though, I just end up being very aware that I don't have the power to do anything based on lack of money and there is no higher power that is going to bless me or protect me from loss and/or being victimized and no matter how I treat people there will always be some way I am left feeling afraid I will end up under a bridge with my kids.

A second attempt at sparing the innocent and seeing if anyone else is inspired to keep reading......

This started as a facebook post that rambled on for far too many paragraphs. So I am dragging it here in hopes, again, that I can come up with a blog that someone finds interesting enough, or helpful enough to read.

A few friends have commented that my writing "speaks to them" or that something I wrote "helped them understand something or related to something they hadn't been able to before". Occasionally something I say or write is a little foresight as to something that is going to happen and/or prepares me for the worst and for others lead them to something or someone that they needed to find to be safe and happy in life. I hope something you read here helps someone somehow to cope with life a little easier, understand someone or something you might not have without reading it, blesses you somehow or helps you to bless someone else.

I have always cared for others, been happy when others were happy, felt pain when others hurt and tried to forget the things that ailed me as "it could always be worse or I could be less capable of coping" and I now still have a hard time with wanting to be blessed, wanting to have good things happen to me and wish that "the powers that be" would somehow let me be that woman who won millions of dollars. Remains to be seen.

Here is the facebook post from 01/16/2018 the 3rd paragraph on is what I moved here. Hoping this will inspire me to start writing again. If not for hope of a better future, it may fall back on being the place I explain my life so my children can one day read it and understand as we struggle to give them a life and try to inspire them to greater things, without traumatizing them with what I have endured and inspires me to deal with them in ways they don't yet appreciate or understand.

Now off to work and/or to attempt to retrieve money my husbands employer has gotten away with all but stealing, for too long now. My job is another issue, but pays our insurance for now, so quitting isn't an option, but being let go would not be so bad considering how bad it sucks.

F.B. 1/16/18 10:30am.

Thank you all for the birthday wishes and for keeping me in your thoughts. I'm sorry I have been off the grid. I kind of expected depression to take hold of me and I would just, I don't know, wither away. It didn't. It doesn't anymore. I don't know why. I have to assume I have either lost my mind (and will soon know how ppl end up under a bridge with tinfoil hats on) or there is nothing to be depressed about well there would be if I didn't have a strong mind, strong will and smart people to ask questions and seek out resources and fight for what is rightfully mine and still out there to be regained.

I still haven't paid rent or acknowledged the emails after i told the landlord we will be fine next month but literally just don't have rent since Tony's x employer kept his last check and we can't get at the $10,000 they socked away in a profit losing account (nope not in a 401k or federal prevailing wage/fringe benefit account and yes it is illegal--but nothing is until a judge hears it). But having paid rent for 3 years, increasing yearly without ever being late I hope counts for something (still don't feel right about it, but can't move either).

Anyway, I am turning over a new leaf, and going to try--again---posting what my issue is, asking for people to enlighten me as to how they have handled issues and/or reaching out and maybe finding someone with a similar problem to put our heads and resources together to find a solution. I have tried such things before and been left kind of defeated and wishing more people knew how to or desired to "join forces" to find solutions.

Continuation: After a few monumental experiences the last few weeks I am going to once again try a new way of doing things. I am finally going to just make things happen. (do you sense me looking around hoping I can make this work with absolutely no confidence due to past failures lol). I am too smart, care too much and have lost too much that I can still fight for to give up. I don't need pity and am tired of not being one someone can ask for help. I don't like focusing on how truly alone I am (and a little devastated at my own families behavior and how lying has affected my universe as a whole---not me lying--I barely know how). It is not easy feeling like the only person in the world who has no close family and no longer has a crowd of friends to meet up with all the time (god i could have stayed 22 forever when 100 of my closest friends partied together). I keep trying to find someone to adopt me but everyone seems to have someone and I look nuts. Anyway....

Watching from my point of view, the government and the direction it seems to be heading and fearing it is going to directly affect our lives negatively is scary as we fall into the "above poverty level" with no increase in wages and many of the "small assistance" programs are wiped out but nothing in place to fill that gap. The insurance laws are impoverishing us from car insurance (caught my company cancelling policies and keeping funds) to medical insurance (finance dept at Mayo hospital enlightened me to where my insurance should normally be covering costs and it is leaving me with a balance due on top of taking 50% of my paycheck).

I have rambled on more than I intended to as usual. I was provoked to higher thinking by an email I received. I thought it was an outside response to my gofundme account. Which seemed smart if someone wanted to help without paying their fees or whatever. It said to contact them back regarding assistance and left a ladies name and was from and educators email (it seemed). I sent a note back declaring that I was in great need of financial assistance and how horrible it would be if it was a scam or a cruel joke (who seeks out broke people to try to scam anyway?) then I looked up the name. Well she is a lady who won a huge lottery and took the cash benefit netting her about 350 million dollars. The story on her might leave one believing that she could or would seek out ppl to help. I doubt it though. That is the little hope I have in life that someone might have enough money and find me worthy of gifting some to.

When my own father lost his life for taking what wasn't his and didn't think enough of me to make sure I was taken care of (or will me one of the million dollar homes his blood money funded or even tell the person who controls them to will one to us) it is not hard to understand the "curse" of being broke. My mother taught me to work for all I had and I believed she couldn't afford to help with things and just didn't ask. She always said "you'll get it when I die" and luckily I had always said I didn't want it that way so it didn't hurt quite so much when my aunt and cousin made sure that didn't happen either and took everything including my chance to tell her goodbye. I don't have much hope of ever being able to have enough money to save money, or take a vacation, or even pay my bills on time. I worked 3 jobs when I was 19 to pay for a studio apartment and a car and couldn't afford college. So I buy a lottery ticket here and there, i hit a casino but only with my husband to make me go home, and I work my butt off any way I can and do nice things for people when I can because it makes me feel good and people don't expect it.

I aspire to someday be able to post how I have done miraculous things to better the lives of people I know and love. I wish I would be blessed with a windfall of money so I never needed to ask for help with just the basic necessities for my family and could give to those who had been where I have been. Until then I hope you don't mind if I pick your minds and ask for your experiences, strengths and hopes so I might make a difference and leave this life without worrying about my children's welfare and some dignity.