What Does It All Mean?

Found this at websleuths', the site where my dad's murder is posted as an attempt to bring it out of cold case status. There is a blog. I read this and I felt connected a little, at least felt someone out there must get me, or what I go through, still no more aware of what IT is but maybe it will help more people GET each other.

"Becoming me, good/bad, right/wrong, but true

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Trident

, 05-18-2015 at 04:40 AM (43 Views)

I remember the day I came to consciousness, became ME, a thinking, feeling, remembering human being. I was about 4 years old, playing near the iron grate that allowed heat to rise from the coal furnace in the basement. That was our heat source, our only heat source; at times one had to be careful when the furnace was going full blast – it got hot enough to burn your feet.
At any rate, I was playing with my blocks, building something, when all of a sudden I seemed to “come to”, to become aware of everything around me for the first time. I sat for a while, bemused, wondering what was different, and why. I knew my name, where I was, but I had no real memory of what had gone before, at least some of it. I remember walking into the living room where my mother and grandmother were talking. I asked my mother what I had done yesterday, and the day before that. I had no memory of any of that, although I knew who I was, but I seemed a “new” me, a more aware me. Suddenly I had an awareness of who I was, a person, a real person. Even though there were traces of other memories, something had changed for me, something big. I became AWARE in a way I had never been before. I had never gone around asking many people if they had the same experience, but I did find one person who did – she was also born in Scorpio. In latter years I began to wonder if I was a “walk-in”. If you don’t know what that means, look it up.
It seems my life has always been punctuated with “moments” of awakening of one sort or another. I don’t pretend to know what any of this means, but each event has had a profound influence on my life. One thing I need to add: when I was young, 5/6 maybe, I used to ask my younger cousins if they knew the language of the babies, the one used before they were born. Of course, they didn’t, but I knew there was one and I longed so badly to know and communicate.
The second happening hit me at ten years old. I was walking along in suburbia, perfectly safe, or so we thought back in the late forties, early fifties, when it happened. I was on a dirt path which paralleled the road on one side, houses on the other. I had been sent by my grandmother to get a loaf of bread from the widow who ran a tiny store out of the front of her house. Yes, Virginia, in those days people were free to make a little money for themselves. Well, I was coming home, a young kid, bopping along the path when all of a sudden a voice came into my mind. No, it was not a loud voice booming from heaven telling me to save the human race. It was, however, a rather loud voice/thought that invaded my mind.
“You will never be happy in this life,” it told me loud and clear.
Well, I stopped and said to myself, ‘That’s odd”. Where it came from, or what it meant, I didn’t know, but in many ways it came true.
Now, for another “ODD” moment. I had never been particularly happy in my life, even though I had family and children. Somehow I always felt something wasn’t right. Well, the next revelation came while I was at my sewing machine making a red skirt for my oldest daughter – a very normal, mundane chore. All of a sudden, here comes another voice in my mind, loud and clear.
“You’re here, you have to make the best of it,” the voice told me.
Now, I had been going through some heavy spiritual stuff at that time, and I had never thought I belonged here, on planet earth. It was as if Scottie had beamed me to the wrong place or the wrong time, and the voice was telling me to live with it, although I had always know I had a destiny, a job to do.
I know this whole blog sounds weird, strange, crazy even, but now I can understand, accept what my destiny is – I only hope and pray I have the courage to do it."

Hindsight is an amazing yet confusing thing.  I think I understand what you might be going through.  I have yet to determine if I came this way, was some how set on this path or series of unfortunate events set it in motion.  As I age the hindsight is narrowed down to specific events.  "The Voice" seems more compassionate and clear.  At age 46 I finally reached the day, in my car traveling to meet the husband of my friend of 25 years, it said "every day of your life and event up to know has lead you to this place, right here, right now".  For a moment I thought it meant something was going to happen right then, some sign something, then as quickly the words seemed very vague like a stupid riddle from a fairy tale that meant nothing.  Then finally, still sitting just through one red light, I felt peaceful and empty too.   I still wonder where the voice comes from.  Why I always seem to know when people lie and the very thing to say to evoke their confessions.  Why I know when some gives birth and close people die.  Still looking for the answers and wondering if I will someday meet someone who knows.