May 30th 2014 and 2016,

Well, thanks to Facebook "Memories" this may all get pieced together faster than originally anticipated.  Some of it anyway.  Or I will copy and paste and ramble on for a few days, then quit for 6 months, hard to say.  If I try to force the writing it has no meaning or clarity to anyone, so I don't, most days I want to but don't.  I keep hoping I will figure out some "gift" or ability or some reason why or how I "know things".  I wanted it to help find out who murdered my dad.  Not necessarily for the recognition, although 5 min of fame would be interesting, but mostly because someone needs to be locked up for it.

Well anyway, facebook two years ago,

Tami Tillman

May 30, 2014 at 6:21pm  

I felt the need to explain me a little since everyone has been worried. I post trying to find answers to what goes on and forget you all don't always know what the hell is going on. 

I promise if I am ever so "mental" that I need help or my kids need help I will personally ask anyone or everyone for help. 

1st I promise to write the book someday soon about what happened with my oldest child and the series of unfortunate events, horrible people and unexplained anomalies that can ruin someone's life and no one would believe even with witnesses. 

2nd, I have through hindsight, trial and error and my current husband witnessing--had the misfortune of realizing that when someone I care about (which now means a list of about 350 people) is dying or having something so monumental going on physically that I "know it", feel it, act it out (for lack of a better explanation). IE: the day my sister was arrested I was hysterically worried about her, which is only a mild explanation of what goes on with me. Pretty hard to describe. 

Keeping it short, haha,  I will leave it with the worst of all of the experiences being when my dad and his wife were murdered. I was attempting to move in an apartment in Phoenix after being on the streets, literally and was an emotional wreck.  I kept calling my dads' house and needed to get a hold of him with an annoying fierceness I had never felt before. Figured out in hindsight, by piecing together the timeline from reports, the police etc. we determined it was while the act was being committed. It left the police believing I was a suspect (I later found out). 

So sorry if I worry you. I am actually so worried about everyone that I am trying to figure out what is up. That is also why I ask what's up with all of you. Trying to match my "symptoms" or thoughts to someone I know and/or love suffering somehow or near death.   If you weren't sure before, know that I care about everyone more than is humanly normal. I have also been known to pass along (in my silliest Veggie Tales voice) a message from the Lord when someone is feeling lost and alone too. (I assume that's where it comes from, need to write THAT book too, just collecting testimony for now). 

So keep me or delete me but don't worry if get emo, just know it will pass in a day or two. This time the husband was seriously in the dog house which doesn't help the emotions much but when these episodes happen this house is usually under some spiritual "attack" and we are human and fall for the b.s. some times. It's been about 7 years since he (husband) really blew it, so what can you do, meaning decided to use the episode to start a fight between us so he could have a reason to leave.  <3

Just a Little Insight. Should Have Started This Two Years ago.......Better late than never.

Tami Tillman shared a memory.

May 29, 2016  Just realized this was exactly 2 years ago.  Interesting· 

Well imagine that, I wrote something I liked reading later. It still applies. My proofreading skills or lack thereof, seem unnecessary thank god. Hell I may learn something from what I write. When I do at any length I truly go outside of my heart and mind and it just flows through me. Didn't realize until someone said i sounded like, Erma Bombeck (maybe), and when I went back to read what it was I didn't even remember writing it, at all.

Tami Tillman

May 29, 2014 · 

I was going to post something sappy yet 1/2 comical (which pretty much means jumping off of something is off the table for today....in front of something still lingers: o) then I decided to take a shower.....Since a little episode back in 1997 I do my best thinking there....anyway I was going to look for my happy pills and now have decided to ride this one out.

 Expecting it to be an E-ticket ride (if you don't know don't ask, you are far too young and probably hot, you'll just make me feel old and I will cry). The part that stuck though was........(if I stay on here surfing the feed I cry so humor me) If you have a minute, please wow me with something wonderful or amazing that happened to you today, or any other day. Or if you are having a rough day park your butt here and watch and see what "they" have to say.....I finally remembered the best part of my life was when I was probably single, had some mediocre job that I loved too much and a car I couldn't afford and lots of people to watch. When I resigned myself to the reality that "those things" and "those lives" weren't for me--I would ruin them. So I would just watch and listen to people being happy, doing things, seeing things, loving and living and didn't complain or talk about me at all. I just got to enjoy seeing people happy and the fact that I was blessed with being near those people was more than I was entitled to anyway.

 If you are feeling at all sad for me or a glimpse of pity--kick it to the curb--take this whole post very literally and with less emotion--that is my job--I have had it since I was 7--hell I could drive a Scout, shoot a 357 and a semi auto with barely a bruise by then too so I can't be quite as emo as I often appear right?

 Oh yeah, finally almost started the blog too, of course I'm all OCD over it already can't decide on a background picture for the damn thing, but also rapidly gaining speed on how to put it to work for me too. by "partnering" with businesses for commissions on ads etc. Exit the ride to your left please and thank you for keeping your arms and legs inside the ride, Lord knows if you were injured the guilt would eat me alive and I surely can't afford the insurance!! Off to bother you all with a big girl question.

See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil....A Message from the Lord? or One Woman's' Elaborate Excuses to Avoid the Doctor?

Came up with the header for this in just the time it took me to cut and paste from facebook.  Ironically a Dr. Seuss cartoon was on talking about ears and hearing, all that goes with what you hear, how you hear and what to with all of that responsibility and miraculous wonder of it all.  

I was then able to come up with that age old saying.  Then feel comfortable that I do try to speak no evil.  Leading to me hoping that is all I was to learn from this.  That it was all I should "speak" about this.  I laugh at the odd coincidence of the whole "experience" and my take on it.  Laughing as I add this while proofreading, that I have earned the nickname "turbo tangent" and am glad to have turned being an emo, spaz, who fought depression into, at least something more humorous, and truly hope it is something more important.  Then back to the realization that i may lose my voice next and a healthy grip on reality that says I should see a doctor.  For now my eyesight is back and they can't very well test what ain't broken right?  

Well back to the would be facebook post turned blogger moment simply to spare those who prefer to check on me one sentence at a time and can't or don't want to deal with "all of this".

Facebook was spared.......

Woke up with Tony to send him off to work at 4am. Then fell asleep on the couch. Sometime later woke up to the sound of kids arguing, imagine that.  Tried to get up and my back hurt so badly I couldn't move and realized I couldn't see either. Just went back to sleep. Kept waking up and found my condition to be the same. Didn't say anything to the kids. Finally, about an hour ago (four hours on the couch) I told them to call their dad.  I had to go to the bathroom. No choice but to get up. 

Fought through the back pain and actually found that I do know where just about everything is in my house and a human voice, with my ears, can work like sonar to help keep me from running into everything. Anyway made it to the bathroom. Tori helped me find my coffee and luckily was nice enough to help me figure out the difference between my circle K coffee cup and the ashtray (that is a cup with a top) without letting me drink the wrong one. Cigarette is still hard to light, even though I could see bright white sparkler lights in front of my face, without your vision and a child you don't to get burned or have them practicing smoking. 

Second cigarette and back pain is OK, and my vision came back. Still unsure if the vision was gone or lids wouldn't open. I was oddly totally calm. 

My Tonni brought me a picture she had drawn prior to all of this. I recall her saying she was leaving it on my bed while I was on the couch. I turned to look at it and see the face with lips smiling and eyes were a line, closed eyes, but I laughed and said "could you please draw me with eyes from now on just in case?  "Keep the smile and give me ears too just to be safe".  I laughed, having previously fearing that things i said could possibly put a curse on people, and will keep an eye on that possibility.  

Through so many years of paying close attention to what goes on around me, how I affect the world and how people are, what they do and say and what they actually feel, you name it, I try to pay attention to it all and have focused somehow on what they feel.  How things that happen make them feel and how it affects what they do.  I'm not sure why. (well i am sure but will intermittently revert back to all of that as I go along)  I, now able to quote history, know I empathize, intercede, prophesy (carefully and quietly) for others, and I am realistic that I have my own share of medical issues and know a lot about stress induced everything. 

All of this works well enough to keep me from having to go to the doctor. Which is fine with me because right now I just won't go or go anywhere near a hospital. I have lost faith in criminal justice system, the medical "system" and the government is close behind.  School system too.  I just felt compelled to share.  I have this forum to hide behind a little better than facebook and also because some just don't "go there" with all of my wonder about God, and if there is one, and all of the unseen.  Some will just say I need to go to the doctor and I will love everyone for their advice and experience.  I am no scientologist, yet won't "go God" completely until I meet him. Will probably elaborate (i know can you imagine having MORE to say about anything?) on my "blog". 

I, in hindsight, know I am forewarned of things to come.  Combined with  The absence of fear in my heart right now tells me, well, to be prepared. I try to be, and always think how others would feel, ask how others would feel in case I can't imagine, and am grateful for seeing again and that i could make it to the bathroom and to my desk, and my smokes, and blessed that I didn't have to have my kids type this and read me your responses and I try not to take any of it for granted.

That all took over 4 hours to write and edit.  In a house with 1 dad who came home at 2pm to check on me, 3 girls on the first day of Summer Break and a crazy mom.  We are still missing one 15 year old.  Which may make it all crazier or even things out, but I hope we get to find out.  I am a "fixer" by nature, so we may start going to the library so I can write fluidly and give a specified amount of time to it uninterrupted (or at least less than I am here) and regularly.  Whether to empty out my head, ask for advice or possibly it will turn into my way to earn a living.  Realizing that it probably never will.  I am aware now that if was going to do anything and get rich or even just keep me afloat someone should have just picked something for me to do and pointed me in that direction.  The woman who raised me "the best she could" has left me now and she told me "you can be anything you put your mind to or do anything you want".  I could never do more than what was in front of me and out of desperation usually except to try and make it something worthy, help someone else doing it as that always felt better than doing things for myself. 

Loving people is what I do best, but for now that as a paying job is illegal.  
I was 1/2 raised by a family that taught me to find the humor in it all at some point as laughter feels much better than all hurt that reality brings and there aren't always answers for all the "why's" in the universe.

At the End of the Day Do People Like This Ever Realize They Suck?

The girlfriend of the father of one friend's son and my sisters son replied this to my request for his whereabouts.

Holly set your nickname to jackass.

Holly set the emoji to 💩.(that is a pile of shit btw)

1:08PM

The same person who dares to act like she is in my shoes with my child being taken and kept from me, when she clearly is the polar opposite of anything i am. The same person who got in a accident and left my information for victim. Who sat and got high while we took her newborn son who had that cough from hell that was killing children. And finally couldn't stay at our house because she couldn't respect my children and not use their bottle brush to clean her child's toys or get out of bed so my husband could get out the door past her to go to work.

If anyone runs into Holly I'd love a heads up, I have a few things I'd like to clarify for her and some aggression that needs direction. At least I realize now he doesn't deserve to be anywhere near those boys or affecting them. Him, my step idiot (donald thomas weaver===so sue me asshole) and a few choice others should be the ones to kill themselves or to attempt to and get to suffer for the lives they ruined......but they won't.

UPDATE--she changed it to "contact" and emoji "thumbs up" lol I shot her a quick note and thanked her for being human. may 7, 2016

Laughing now as I actually stopped to think, OMG, am I a total hypocrite and this is me? Do I suck so much that so many find lying to me and screwing me over justified? Maybe I am one of "them"? I even have a hard time saying with much conviction that it is not me and I don't.

It doesn't feel better to sit virtually alone and watch while another person passes away and their actual life that I was clueless to unfolds and leaves me feeling like some lost moron. For caring and thinking of people who found no problem in lying to me and to others about me because it was easier than loving me back, telling the truth or saying they were sorry. That they not only hated me enough to not just walk away, they went the extra mile to dump all their bullshit and lies on me and watch me suffer. Even in dying could not be compelled to come to clean. To say something that would fix what they had done or at least just spare me the pain of losing them by telling me that i was a fool to have ever cared.

no wonder helping other people or understanding their pain makes me feel better. because i can't do it for myself or don't know how, but I can not turn into all those people. I usually don't pass judgement or even share this sort of gossip. Because i truly hate saying horrible things about others and it doesn't improve my life. I always hope they will "see the light" and say they are sorry or change their ways and they don't or won't...............rambling rambling, crying, pondering.

I almost feel like I will come out of this mess a normal, well semi normal, human. Then on the other hand i fear that it will all make sense and my head will clear and mind will rest but sadly i will then die of a broken heart. Then it will have all been for nothing.......I swear if the afterlife is like an episode of the twilight zone and I find that there is higher power and we were it's Sea Monkey collection I don't know what I will do.

What's Worse, the Kid Who Does This Without a Second Thought? or The "Jury of Our Peers" That Think it's No Big Deal"?

 Cont. from facebook......

Thinking it is a great deterrent for others who don't have the sense to know it is (in my universe) unacceptable for anyone to expose themselves to another person, at any age, when it is not consensual.  What is frightening is the comments by grown adults of both sexes who say "lighten up", "what's the big deal", "what a waste of time", maybe they all need a tour of a sex offender caseload from any given court.  Or a trip to any counselor's office, or rehab full of victims of sexual misconduct on so many levels.  Maybe people have always been so ignorant to "gateway crimes" or the power of early detection of deviant behavior and/or deterring it but it wasn't so easy to publicly express their ignorance.  I was taught to think things through before I formed an opinion and certainly consider all sides.  These people either want to live in a society where walking around with "your junk" hanging out is acceptable and like the idea of catching a glance or they are just too stupid to realize if you let one do it you are making a statement that it is ok for everyone.  He was 18 when he did it.  an adult.  I seriously doubt the guy in front of him is thrilled to have the photo as published.  I wouldn't want my children exposed to this and if they were male if would be equally unacceptable.  What happened to proactive thinking and respect for the law?  I think the reporting, possibility of prosecution and public humiliation of the incident will deter him and many of his peers from doing it again.  50 comments from grown adults mocking the law, condoning and minimizing  the behavior will surely inspire someone else to go ahead and give it shot knowing they have the support of mindless "what's the big deal" individuals who like the thought of seeing an 18 year old holding his mind in his hand.


http://www.abc15.com/news/region-southeast-valley/mesa/county-attorney-to-not-prosecute-mesa-student-who-exposed-himself-in-yearbook-picture

Addendum to "It's Going to Be One of Those Days"---In Memory Of My Mom--Gay Arlene Tillman (Robertson) April 1, 1946 to May 2, 2016

I truly had no idea how true that statement was.  I was an hour late to work, with permission, to air out my head and calm down over the whole furniture fiasco, my oldest daughter and get my head in the AAA game.  I worked for a couple of hours then went to lunch late.  Was almost late returning (mind you all this activity is in my house at my desk in my room as I work from house doing customer service). when they posted "early and long lunches", something they do when call volume is low and idle bodies need to be off the clock.  So I requested to take the two hours.  Before they had time to answer my home phone rang and it was my aunt Jo, my mom's oldest sister.  Last I knew my mom was on her way home from the hospital and going to be ok, that was before her birthday on April 1st, she missed my kids birthdays on the 17 and 19th, no card, no call, I thought she was being stubborn or mad as we called a day late for her birthday.

Gay Arlene Tillman (Robertson)

April 1, 1946 to May 2, 2016

It's Going to Be One of THOSE Days.......(This was written a few hours before I was told my mom had died)

Have rewritten the header a thousand times.  Trying to summarize my life, what has happened and how the hell to move forward.  Posted on facebook, almost, and really just need a hug.  From an old friend or a couple of family members that I can still trust.  Everyone is so physically far away anymore and a hug and any words of inspiration used to keep me going.  Fighting.  Forgetting how awful it all was and managing to overcome or endure the most awful of circumstances.  I, since having kids, manage to even say something in my head, or on here, to get me passed the desire to quit.  Since quitting life is not something I think about doing by my own hand.  However at my age quitting has come to mind as letting "the elements" get to me and inadvertently ending the pain and confusion of everyday life, a mild heart attack will do that to you.

I got permission to be an hour late for work.  for weeks up to know they were giving people long lunches and time off without occurrence as the job is ending and we were overstaffed.  Of course today we all need to be there and doing as expected to keep a job and i need to be off.  I was supposed to deal with the finance company for this damn furniture or the furniture people or take a shower, and here I sit.

My header was going read something to the effect of God, is there one?  what is his plan? and overcoming the fact that for most of my life i believed there was a God and that everything bad that happened to me was a punishment for being bad and everything bad that happened around me was punishment for people who got to close to me because I was bad.  When I finally overcame those ideas I spent a lot of time just seeing the wonderful things he did, despite how horrible my life had gotten, i had no choice, focus on that or focus on the reality that somehow I had ended up with nothing and had nowhere to go and was starting to have things occur that would make God hate me and other humans not want to be near me.  So I muddled through only be left with the realization that if all along God wasn't mad at me, and wasn't making bad things happen that he then had to have sat by and watched as they did and did nothing to stop it.  Didn't warn me not go places, or deal with certain people or even give me choices prior to those things happening.  No smiting, or burning bushes, or voices in my head screaming "stop don't go there" or "do this instead" or even like other times when life is fine.  I would look for choices, alternatives, educate myself, ask question and still chose a path with absolutely no resistance to speak of or to warn me and no alternative when a choice had to be made or decision had to be made to move forward in life or complete a task.  Nothing, just straight into the fire and no consolation and actually even after feeling like I could overcome, fight the good fight, EVERY time I was left realizing what had happened, knowing to others it would seems impossible and watching someone get away with something and being able to nothing with any of it.  WHY?     

Going to leave my facebook post in full and put a link here. For I have nothing to fear but fear itself really.  I already know what the worst can happen is, being ignored, being deleted by my friends, being laughed at or mocked or someone who is intelligent thinking "why does this dumb broad think she needs a blog when she has nothing to say at all".    On the upside maybe my knight in shining armor will ride in a sweep me off.  Maybe I will win the lottery and just never have to worry about getting screwed over as I will pay cash for everything and be able to walk away and move to the next idea and return whatever i buy that isn't worth what i paid.  Or someone will just know who to call and how to help. (The finance company actually tried to with the furniture btw, them realizing how the store screwed me and probably them over, the fact that i was trying to be reasonable considering and trying to work it out but the store stopped that too.) 

Hopefully, because my knight will probably not be thrilled, at this point that i still haven't taken a shower......People do find me funny still, I try to, but sure wish now that I am laughing at myself that the whole mess was resolved with my child, her furniture, and a God== considering God is the only man humans will expect you to love, honor, trust and believe in when you have never met him, have never seen him doing the work we give him credit for, and trust without question.  100 years ago maybe, today, I say it sounds like a bad idea and you wouldn't suggest even talking to anyone like that. (age of technology)