My deep need to save the world, my hope that life WILL someday be fair, and the want to keep my Facebook friends from removing me have finally pushed me here.....to try to turn it all into something useful or understandable, or that will make a difference for someone.
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
Good Bye Meaty Cakes, See You on the Other Side
Thursday, May 25, 2017
WHAT'S THIS LIFE FOR--PART II............."cause she ain't here anymore"......
Was wondering why "the powers that
be" can't seem to see fit for me to be able to bust my ass and live a life
where I can do something good? Afford to
get on a plane and see my bff when I need to or wanted to, or show up when my
mom is dying without anyone being able to stop me because I don't have to ask
for help? Or visit more with my best friend’s
dad and step mom before she got sick and died.
Basically just not feel like a burden and possibly get to have “enough”
to give to others instead of being needy.
Literally get knocked down every chance I get try to get up. Finally get
back to school and collapse a lung. Work a job that is literally slowly killing
me, because having the resources to drive to a job escape me, to keep the
insurance that barely covers the cost of the medical bills to keep me
alive.
Then on the top 40 radio station they are
talking about how great Taylor Swift is so great for lending Arianna Grande her
plane to get her mother and her back home to Florida quickly. I'm sorry, if I had that much money and a
plane I'd be getting dead bodies to their families, and finding out what else I
could do to help those who probably struggled to afford the concert ticket.
Funny, it took three edits
for me to see the irony in my wish for the money to buy plane tickets and take
off work and the newsflash about Taylor Swifts’ plane—sadly there is nothing in
either post that gives me hope or answers.
It tells me that I aspired and worked to be able to afford the plane,
accepted that maybe only the plane tickets were in the cards for me and now
left with the feeling that I was never worthy of any of it. Where others find faith, I find the feeling
of giant fist pounding me into the ground (figuratively) and stopping all
efforts I make to be at least financially in charge of my own life.
I know I won't be too upset if I find myself without an
interview today for a new job. This one ends at the end of the month and yeah
it pays for our insurance, but it is over rated. We both (the husband and I)
feel like the current insurance is just screwing with the natural selection
process anyway. Yeah we have it, but it just allows us temporary medical relief
and has sustained the life of Tori (11 year old twin) and I each once, but has
racked up a huge debt we can't afford and if we had to pay for the care in
advance we both wouldn’t be here because the insurance takes most of my
check. Then I spend most of the day
dodging phone calls from collectors who act like I am living high on the hog
and just not paying them out of selfish spite.
In my “over stimulated” always “trying to
find the connection” and looking for “the signs” mind I hear that old drug
commercial, "work more to make more money to do more drugs to work
more" but you can change the word drug to anything and it's just as
relevant and crazy and sadly defeating when you never ‘reach the golden ring”. Well in a midlife crisis anyway. While you
are living it it’s more of a challenge to rise above crazy and work less
because you did more and only aspired to relax for a few minutes and not fear
poverty and devastation at every turn.
I Never expected on trying this hard to
do or be anything and my life ending wondering what the hell it was all for, or
why I kept fighting so hard to try and rise above, all for nothing. Life was
much better when I still had hopes that I would leave this world with people at
least able to say “yeah she lived life to the fullest and helped people do
_________” or “she was honest and it paid off by___________” or “sad she’s gone
but she was able to leave her kids _______”.
Or “how exciting her last day on earth was spent at Disneyland with her
kids after a trip across the USA in a Winnebago meeting everyone she became
friends with on Facebook and people she hadn’t seen in years, spreading her moms’
ashes on a warm beach in the Bahamas”.
Not, “her fat ass had to have Mexican food from Valle Luna twice in one
week and after yelling at her kids to do their chores and being ignored, had a
heart attack after her intestines leaked poo into her body and they had to cut
the roof off the house to get her fat ass out and no one could afford to
cremate her so we threw her in a dump site”.
I thought a loving and powerful God would reserve that devastation for
those who ruined the lives of innocent people, or were selfish, lazy and gluttonous;
child molesters and puppy kickers.
All those years I told my mom I just wanted her and to have her
appreciate how much I loved her. Wanted
to her to enjoy handing things down to me and hated when she said “you’ll get
it when I die” but finally just accepted it---Did not ever expect to have my
most adored, named after and named my child after hers; aunt turn on me and my
kids and take it all. Not even be able
to say good bye and remember very clearly, sitting where I sit now, and feeling
calm---listening to her promise that she would come get me and bring me there
and thinking for the first time I was going to trust someone with my fate and
it was going to be ok----to go ahead and stop freaking out and just know she
was going to get me there and I would have no regrets and see my mother---when
normally I would have keep asking for help, trying ideas and basically had
figured out a plan even with no money at the moment she asked and no plan, like
I usually do.
I have, as usual,
lost my train of thought. Well not lost
it, but let it expand into 20 side tracks (good analogy huh) and need to reign
it in before it derails. The hope that
I will one day feel and think and write and it will end with all those tracks
coming back into the station to form one big well organized polished train,
have pretty much left me (as my mind says maybe that will be the surprise now
that you have put it all out there, don’t give up) and I have finally accepted
my fate. To be quiet, not fight and just
try to fade out quietly, leaves me sad and hurt and faithless. My laundry list of things that could have
been worse is huge and my desire to kick and scream and tell God that those
same things are now things that could have been better. That having to settle for being grateful it
wasn’t worse sucks. The worst of it
being the curses I will surely pass on to my children unknowingly and
unwillingly and knowing that when I am gone they will have no one who will
protect them from harm and even if they don’t deserve it they will suffer and
never having gotten their sister home to them is my biggest failure. Letting my mother in law “win” is the final
act that has left me unable to find a loving a God or even one of power. There are no miracles and doing what is right
in life gets you only the knowledge that you did it and in this life you will
go without for it. No one will change
their ways, or see the light, or ask for forgiveness to you or God.
The worst thing of all,
the curse---when I was about 7 I was told “if you tell anyone, the will call
you a liar, say you are crazy and they won’t believe you and you will be left
alone” combined with “God see’s everything you do and knows what you are
thinking” . I fought it my whole
life. I couldn’t lie, cheat or steal
because of it. I wanted to believe I
would “win”, that I could overcome the curse and would have a happy,
productive, financially stable, good life despite all that adversity and
loss. Now, he wins. He is still alive and the college he would
have paid for never happened. The
children I raise exhibit signs of abuse they have never known and I don’t know
why and they have no knowledge of my abuse.
I am without one of my children and she is being mentally tortured by my
mother in law. Every liar and thief I
have gone against (almost) has prevailed in a court of law and in life while I
had to stand by and take it.
Now, after taking a
shower (figure my time to reconcile my thoughts, will give God credit for the
process if and when I meet him to confirm his presence and assistance)
I have a laundry list
of ways to save the world, improve my life and positively affect those around
me but usually set out for the day and forget all the inspiring words and ideas
so here they are for this first time.
1. 1. Asked the
husband to help me approach our child about her clothing, eating,
and friends
in a new way. We love her and don’t mean
to be critical, but the
way we have been handling things may leave her feeling/believing
that people
who are rude and demeaning deserve a chance because we say rude and
demeaning
things. End result “we say one
thing and do another” and how is she supposed
to stop talking to us.
2. 2. Check into ability to be prophetic. Is it a “god given gift”? How does one
express to others they have a (in
my veggie tales cucumber voice) message
from the lord and is it even possible
to use the gift to end death or suffering?
Or is it just to prepare you for it?
How can I use it and not fear it?
Wanting
so badly to preach it to the world and be proud in my heart that
if there is a
God, that he sees me trusts me and could use me to help those who
can’t hear
Him and better yet save us from suffering. And how would one get their kids
to listen, as they thought I was nuts for watching them so closely as they
passed the sex
offenders (not known until later) house to walk to friends houses?
Will try and avoid the thoughts that my time
is coming soon.
Had to take a break
and run to the eye doctor, pick up Subway and eat with the husband, send my
step sister a note about the attorney, send a message to a pro bono attorney I
found in Austin about my mom, 3 other posts to friends on Facebook, a note to
my bff to remind her/ask her to try and help me find ways to see her despite my
limited income. I was just inspired to
contact the Nez Perce Indian Tribe about registering my family. Then remembered I could look into contacting
The Daughters of the Revolution for the girls.
My grandmother was one of them.
May seem archaic but when you have no role models for your kids you have
to go somewhere. My Grandma was a member and seriously I don’t know how else to
teach my kids refinement. Still no email
from work regarding an interview of any kind unless of course I am blind,
stupid or am just not supposed to stay working there.
3. 3. I thought to send my step sister a note about
contacting the current attorney
with a short note stating what my mom told her
in lost Facebook messages
and emails and in person at her visit.
If there was a number four I
forget it. Thinking there was but had to
get ready and go out into the world and try to do something. No experience goes wasted on me for sure, nor
do I leave anyone without challenging their minds at least and for some opening
their hearts.
I am still not the same person
anymore. Mind you I have always been
changing, trying to better myself, learn new things and give back something in
this life in return for the air that I breathe and space I take up. I don’t need much help and actually if given
too much help or sympathy it has an adverse affect on me and my mind. I do however dream of a prince charming or
June Cleaver or Superman or Wonder Woman coming to save me in my hour of desperation
or just to tell me that I am the only one who could raise Thor’s hammer in return
for my good heart and moral fiber. But
in reality I need to be needed a little and wouldn’t mind if someone took care
of me for a minute.
Since I will never hear my father
apologize, or see my mother understand how much she inspired me and the respect
and love I had for her and I will probably not get to see my step dad fear
anything nor would giving up his life ever restore all he took from mine. I can’t fix the hurtful things I have done
unwillingly by being self conscious, and letting others in between those who
love me. The ex boyfriend just found me
on Facebook, the one from when I was about 19 worked at a hotel (so I could
afford to travel someday and/or travel for work). He ended up dating my boss and everyone at
work knew before I did. Then I lost my
job when she moved up from assistant GM to GM.
I haven’t added him as a friend yet.
Told him he needed a history lesson about who screwed things up and he
should probably spell my name correctly.
Will wonder if it is a “sign” or just how life goes.
Closed out the day needing $150 for Tyli's glasses, a starter for the Truck, a flat tire, and feeling a little less stressed and useless.
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Merely for the Purpose of Not Sending All My Friends Screaming and Running Away.......
Would have been a Facebook post. But I was so up, funny, and in a "kicking it's ass" mood a few hours ago. Then the ugly dip down into depression I had warded off for so long. Well for the most part. The shock and haze I have been in for a year was depression equivalent I guess. But as soon as I shook it off my bff's step mom died and I got sick. So I was normal and back to fighting for about a minute, then ripped away again.
Anyway here's the post if you braved popping over here for the whole saga. I don't think I am looking for sympathy so much as screaming for answers, wondering why someone who wants so badly to do great things and be great and give her kids a great life, gets kicked down so hard? And also just leaving an explanation so those who cared won't wonder what the hell happened when 3 hours before I seemed fine.
Facebook 5/14/2017 605pm says: When I went to rehab 12 years ago I was put back on anti-depressants and thought I would always have to take them. Stopped taking them when my insurance ended about 5 years ago and thought I would never need them again. Today I'm not sure I have the energy to find a doctor to start up again or if it is even covered by insurance.
The Part I spared you from that transpired after the first sentence and in my living room and mind: Realized just the other day I had finally come out of a year long funk and was glad to be tackling life again. Now I'm back to freaking out about my mom and worried I'm next.
My house looks like a war zone, I'm afraid to eat. All my kids do is fight and Tawni told her dad in a text today that it doesn't seem like I love her. I thought I was going to be ok when I got out of the hospital. Picked up kids and they won't stop fighting and bitching and I feel like I am losing it.
I don't mean to depress anyone but I am freaking out. Guess right now I would call my mom and she would tell me that it could be worse, suck it up, she'd make the kids laugh and tell them to clean the house and it would be ok. If they could just be nice to each other and helpful I might feel ok. but they refuse and my head is spinning. I want to run but none of the cars run again either. God wtf. I need a hug. Missed going out with the husband last night, the rare night we get alone maybe twice a year.
I was going to file papers to get Tawni back this week but why subject her to this?
I just realized I left the hospital without the diet I needed because I just wanted to be free. When I was there alone all I could think about was my mom alone dying, and feared just succumbing to whatever they said and letting them cut me open, having to stay there for weeks. Remembering Marlene's face and her mouthing to me for help and I couldn't do a fucking thing. Most of my life I thought I should be dead, tried more than a few ways to make it happen, and now that I have made it this far I'm not ready to die and certainly not trapped in a hospital alone or in front of my kids. But if I don't I'm back to 3 broken vehicles, a huge hospital bill and a job that ends next month and no new job yet. oh yeah and a ungrateful rescue dog that just cost me another $100 in shit she chewed up.
Being depressed is 10 times harder when you were relieved (spell check can't even spell that word fuck) of the curse and couldn't do what was needed to keep it at bay.
Anyway here's the post if you braved popping over here for the whole saga. I don't think I am looking for sympathy so much as screaming for answers, wondering why someone who wants so badly to do great things and be great and give her kids a great life, gets kicked down so hard? And also just leaving an explanation so those who cared won't wonder what the hell happened when 3 hours before I seemed fine.
Facebook 5/14/2017 605pm says: When I went to rehab 12 years ago I was put back on anti-depressants and thought I would always have to take them. Stopped taking them when my insurance ended about 5 years ago and thought I would never need them again. Today I'm not sure I have the energy to find a doctor to start up again or if it is even covered by insurance.
The Part I spared you from that transpired after the first sentence and in my living room and mind: Realized just the other day I had finally come out of a year long funk and was glad to be tackling life again. Now I'm back to freaking out about my mom and worried I'm next.
My house looks like a war zone, I'm afraid to eat. All my kids do is fight and Tawni told her dad in a text today that it doesn't seem like I love her. I thought I was going to be ok when I got out of the hospital. Picked up kids and they won't stop fighting and bitching and I feel like I am losing it.
I don't mean to depress anyone but I am freaking out. Guess right now I would call my mom and she would tell me that it could be worse, suck it up, she'd make the kids laugh and tell them to clean the house and it would be ok. If they could just be nice to each other and helpful I might feel ok. but they refuse and my head is spinning. I want to run but none of the cars run again either. God wtf. I need a hug. Missed going out with the husband last night, the rare night we get alone maybe twice a year.
I was going to file papers to get Tawni back this week but why subject her to this?
I just realized I left the hospital without the diet I needed because I just wanted to be free. When I was there alone all I could think about was my mom alone dying, and feared just succumbing to whatever they said and letting them cut me open, having to stay there for weeks. Remembering Marlene's face and her mouthing to me for help and I couldn't do a fucking thing. Most of my life I thought I should be dead, tried more than a few ways to make it happen, and now that I have made it this far I'm not ready to die and certainly not trapped in a hospital alone or in front of my kids. But if I don't I'm back to 3 broken vehicles, a huge hospital bill and a job that ends next month and no new job yet. oh yeah and a ungrateful rescue dog that just cost me another $100 in shit she chewed up.
Being depressed is 10 times harder when you were relieved (spell check can't even spell that word fuck) of the curse and couldn't do what was needed to keep it at bay.
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
More Pieces to the Puzzle, If There is One to Put Together
FACEBOOK: HIT AND RUNS.
Posted momentarily between 02/19/2016 and 02/21/2016. Then thought better of it and removed. While my mom was dying.
RIP Mom--- 4/1/1046-5/2/216
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On top of that tony's parents called to make sure "it wasn't all crazy over here because my mom is sick". Fuck you give me my child and I will take care of her no matter what else is going on you fucking hypocrites. I am no longer accepting any bullshit off anyone and if I get loud and crazy it's because I have every right to. so if you aren't doing what is right and fair and what you should be doing stay the hell away from me because I will call you out and take you out if I have to, to preserve my sanity and my family.
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Tami Tillman updated her status.
Today I am blessed to know finally that I am fine. I am not dramatic or over emotional or bipolar. I am normal, despite the bullshit people try to saddle me with. I just need to say that my mother snuck her cell phone to call me about 15 times yesterday to come to TX. My aunt this morning had to relay a message that if I went to TX "I would have the door slammed in my face" and a neighbor who ... (See More—lost when saving)
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As of 30 min ago, I am sorry I bothered any of you with this. Or my
"family". You have all been around my whole life to pick me up when they have done shitty thing after shitty thing to me. You are my friends despite them, and I worked hard at being worth of being a friend in return, and I alone choose to be a decent human being and other respectable traits that I now know are mine, by choice a... (See More—lost when saving) | ||
If you all want to write her that's fine. Her son just informed me if I
went to TX "he would lock the door and not let me in". And my mom’s friend said "she is penniless and not safe". oh my fucking god. I'm sorry I ever asked any of your to care about any of them. I lost everything when Wendi used my identity. My mom whisked her off to TX and left me to get her record off my name and start over.. (See More—lost when saving) |
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Tami Tillman updated her status.
Thanks, again, for your love and support. Still back to unsure on my
mom. It is a little unnerving how easy it is to get out of touch with someone. My mom is in the hospital overnight. Starting some treatments that are making her memory foggy. Other friends are helping her get around but I am not in touch with said people. My aunt will get me there when and if needed. My mom asked me to come and we all know that is significant on so many levels only to determine which one. I will try not to overwhelm everyone and keep you updated. I am oddly calm. I have had a lot of preparation for disaster and i am also equally unprepared. Going to wait til morning and see what is next. You all sharing your experience, strength and hope with me has at least enabled me to feel a sense of calm right now. I am also so empathetic that I know I can feel her fear and pain as well. I only hope that somehow helps ease it for her. Keep those good thoughts coming and I will keep you updated. I talked to her and she just isn’t herself. I wouldn’t wish this shit n my worst enemy, but it never seems to hit them, hmmm that is something to consider, sorry couldn’t help myself. ty katrina will take a look thank you again | ||||
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Looks like my mom could just use prayers right now and my husband
is going to need the strength to take care of these kids while I am gone. | ||||
I need help. My mom has called me and asked me to be in Austin, tx
tony doesn't get paid until Tuesday and we have had them start working on my car. Can anyone help me get a ticket there? She has never even wanted me there before and now wants me there, so she is not going to make it and I want to be there. | ||
Tami Tillman updated her status.
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Cathy Martin her return address doesn't have the 1943718 Hobby on it,
do we need it on there to send something to her? | ||
If you haven't written a letter in a while, Wendi would love to hear
anything from any of you. She is in a horrible place and has expressed that she would be very grateful to hear anything from all of you. She is trying to stay sane in a very insane place. I can respect that for sure. Today she described one of her "neighbors" to me. The lady had taken her ex-boyfriends son, killed him, and scattered the pieces in a field because he broke up with her and wouldn't take her back. This is just one highlight and I will spare you all the rest. She has been a little shy of being an angel herself but never on THAT level. So even if you just say hi, tell her about your day and maybe send a picture of the sunrise or sunset from where you are it may help her make it through this. She is trying to get into a program for people who train dogs to be service dogs for disabled veterans. She missed the last interview as she was away on medical appt. to find out what is wrong with her throat/glands. So for now she works in the boiler room, yep my sister. Just checking gauges "to make sure the place doesn't blow up". I had to kind of giggle at that. Anyway, she is a very humble Wendi right now so I thought I would express this for her. She has definitely paid for her mistake this time. Her and a new "friend" had a hard time at Christmas and made light of the fact, but it is sad, that "the child molesters and murderers get more mail and visitors than they do". Yes, female child molesters, and women who have thrown kids off a freeway, locked them in car trunks for being too noisy, and they died. She has had her moments but this is pretty extreme. Anyway, she wouldn't want pity so I will stop; she just asked if anyone had mentioned they might write. I am pretty lax with sending/receiving mail to and from jail. If for some reason that type of issue is stopping you. Feel free to email me the letter and i can print it out and send it to her for you. Then scan and send back when she writes. Or whatever I can do to help. My email is tttinaz@msn.com just put for Wendi in bold letters for the subject. Wendi Tillman 1943718 Hobby 742 FM 712 Marlin, TX 76661 | ||
Tami Tillman updated her status.
I need a huge house. I need to be able to bring all of our family's
wayward children here to me. Tony's sister’s kids, my sisters kid, any other kids that are feeling that way. I was remembering recently that I had taken care of a couple nieces of boyfriends in the past. Oh yeah and babysat the kids of ladies who worked the strip clubs. Very trying when you are single, 24 and still very much a child. Sometime later at the ER with Tawni (kidney was not connected and we were just finding out) this lady was ready to give me her teenage daughter. She was literally working out how she could pay me and make the hand off. I would have if she insisted, better me than some alternative "hand off" I thought for the beautiful child of about 14. I have never been perfect, nor more qualified than any other person for sure, just a fierceness to protect kids from a particular danger first, and then any other that I could. But today, I need to be able to mother these kids just a little and let them all know they have a place to be. Like the Bader family and so many others did for me. Pray for my mom please, she really was the person who gave me all the words that challenged me to be a good person and kept me honest and loyal and loving. I want to believe she will live forever, but little miss high hopes has learned lately that nothing is forever and no life isn't fair. She taught me that too. This was inspired by not knowing how to get a hold of him and this weird secrecy my mom has with her life. Like I am some kind of monster, which feels like shit. I get up most days hoping to help someone in the world not feel like I have felt so many times in life. Weird, I know. |
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
With Age Comes Wisdom. Or More Questions......
It's my middle of the week day off. Generally all mapped out to do great things, complete tasks, or some half baked plan to run amuck. Not today. No big plans. Then the house clears, I clear my head, and start to whittle away at all the big things on my plate. Someday I will find a way to explain it all. Either in the spirit of helping some other soul being tortured or for my kids. They certainly don't need to know all of the gory details of my life and pity isn't ever what I am trying to inspire in anyone.
So, lately, I have been able to sit quietly and take the "mess of the day" and turn it into some deep question for others to ponder (hopefully) and possibly comment back with their insight or opinions. Always having more than one desired result that is acceptable makes feeling useless dissipate, so I figure I will at least be able to conquer a problem through "self talk", and finally I hope to at least describe to someone I love how much thought, love, effort and work I put into solving any issue and leaving someone else unscathed.
Laughing at myself now, realizing this will probably sound like 1/2 insane gibberish, but still hopeful that if you know me it will make sense. If you don't know me, that this will make sense in the end, or at least make for an interesting read.
Tasks for the day include getting my information to Texas Probate court so my in laws will not get away with keeping me from my mother as she died, taking what inheritance was left to me and my children and lastly making them sorry they tried to make me believe she wrote me out of her last wishes. Second battle, custody and care of my oldest child, and if it works out calling CPS out on their tactics and drawing attention to their enabling the abuse and literal court assisted kidnapping. Third is clearing up and understanding all there is to know about health insurance. One big issue that closed yesterday was my FMLA (family and medical leave). It was approved finally and I no longer risk losing my job for absences. Seems I was also grouped in with some people who were abusing the process. Only difference is that I was not abusing it and someone took the liberty of lying when their opinion was that I had been and just hadn't been caught.
Motto of the day "always live like someone is watching", oops there are two "doesn't matter, my story is the same, no matter who I am talking to". Would be nice to add "cheaters (and liars) never prosper" as opposed to the age old "nobody said life would be fair".
Now off to clean my desk and make some progress. Also find those Metallica tickets my husband claims would be lost if he gave them to me. They are in here somewhere. Nothing worse than him being able to claim he's the responsible one in the bunch, that is my title and I will regain the crown soon even with no one in particular to answer to. They are all gone, luckily I always liked being held accountable as it kept me out of prison and good graces with wonderful people. Beats being alone.
Laughing at me again. The title was my original reason for being inspired to write. I stopped to think, the other day sitting after my visit to the Family Services Office, about worst nightmares. You know those things you think about, see others going through, watch on the news, that make you say out loud as a child "that's my worst nightmare, I could not imagine that happening to me, I would die if it ever.....". I was living probably the final one and way too calm. Was I in shock? Was I just crazy and couldn't react to the very serious situation? Was I in denial? In the car with my friend Robbie who was awesome enough to go with me for support, I felt stronger, more determined. I think even she half expected me to do something crazier. So today, a week later, sitting in the bathroom (where I do most of my talking to God or the Mother Ship or whomever is out there seeming to guide us) that maybe all of my life the things that came to mind as worst nightmares were the things I was predetermined some how to being prepared to endure. Maybe not so much a sentence for some crime committed, although while writing the thought does enter my mind, possibly a set of choices made would inevitably land me dealing with something?? Or maybe it was just my purpose. More questions now start to enter my mind and I have to get to work on the issues at hand. I have a knack for writing and just letting the words form without thinking them through and occasionally that is when "the message" comes to light, for me, or someone else.
Laughing at me again (keeps others from doing it first) and how crazy this all must sound. Probably the reason I started putting it down "on paper" as the things I see and do, the connections to the oddest of things, the "signs" I see around me that seem to guide me (when they used to make me nervous or cause some paranoia) are too cool to just let go. I am hopeful in my heart that I may be able to teach my children early on to follow those signs and spare themselves some grief and wasted energy and help them be happy, well adjusted blessings in this life and who knows maybe change the world. It is much better than believing that the feeling they each had a great purpose for being here was just a lie to convince me to carry them all to term despite the obvious things I was lacking and fear I would sentence them to a life of horror and neglect.
If nothing else this just reminded me that my mother once told me that I cared for a set of puppies with more love and attention than some people cared for their children and that there was no way anything could suffer if it was loved by me as I wouldn't let it. Gawd I miss her.
So, lately, I have been able to sit quietly and take the "mess of the day" and turn it into some deep question for others to ponder (hopefully) and possibly comment back with their insight or opinions. Always having more than one desired result that is acceptable makes feeling useless dissipate, so I figure I will at least be able to conquer a problem through "self talk", and finally I hope to at least describe to someone I love how much thought, love, effort and work I put into solving any issue and leaving someone else unscathed.
Laughing at myself now, realizing this will probably sound like 1/2 insane gibberish, but still hopeful that if you know me it will make sense. If you don't know me, that this will make sense in the end, or at least make for an interesting read.
Tasks for the day include getting my information to Texas Probate court so my in laws will not get away with keeping me from my mother as she died, taking what inheritance was left to me and my children and lastly making them sorry they tried to make me believe she wrote me out of her last wishes. Second battle, custody and care of my oldest child, and if it works out calling CPS out on their tactics and drawing attention to their enabling the abuse and literal court assisted kidnapping. Third is clearing up and understanding all there is to know about health insurance. One big issue that closed yesterday was my FMLA (family and medical leave). It was approved finally and I no longer risk losing my job for absences. Seems I was also grouped in with some people who were abusing the process. Only difference is that I was not abusing it and someone took the liberty of lying when their opinion was that I had been and just hadn't been caught.
Motto of the day "always live like someone is watching", oops there are two "doesn't matter, my story is the same, no matter who I am talking to". Would be nice to add "cheaters (and liars) never prosper" as opposed to the age old "nobody said life would be fair".
Now off to clean my desk and make some progress. Also find those Metallica tickets my husband claims would be lost if he gave them to me. They are in here somewhere. Nothing worse than him being able to claim he's the responsible one in the bunch, that is my title and I will regain the crown soon even with no one in particular to answer to. They are all gone, luckily I always liked being held accountable as it kept me out of prison and good graces with wonderful people. Beats being alone.
Laughing at me again. The title was my original reason for being inspired to write. I stopped to think, the other day sitting after my visit to the Family Services Office, about worst nightmares. You know those things you think about, see others going through, watch on the news, that make you say out loud as a child "that's my worst nightmare, I could not imagine that happening to me, I would die if it ever.....". I was living probably the final one and way too calm. Was I in shock? Was I just crazy and couldn't react to the very serious situation? Was I in denial? In the car with my friend Robbie who was awesome enough to go with me for support, I felt stronger, more determined. I think even she half expected me to do something crazier. So today, a week later, sitting in the bathroom (where I do most of my talking to God or the Mother Ship or whomever is out there seeming to guide us) that maybe all of my life the things that came to mind as worst nightmares were the things I was predetermined some how to being prepared to endure. Maybe not so much a sentence for some crime committed, although while writing the thought does enter my mind, possibly a set of choices made would inevitably land me dealing with something?? Or maybe it was just my purpose. More questions now start to enter my mind and I have to get to work on the issues at hand. I have a knack for writing and just letting the words form without thinking them through and occasionally that is when "the message" comes to light, for me, or someone else.
Laughing at me again (keeps others from doing it first) and how crazy this all must sound. Probably the reason I started putting it down "on paper" as the things I see and do, the connections to the oddest of things, the "signs" I see around me that seem to guide me (when they used to make me nervous or cause some paranoia) are too cool to just let go. I am hopeful in my heart that I may be able to teach my children early on to follow those signs and spare themselves some grief and wasted energy and help them be happy, well adjusted blessings in this life and who knows maybe change the world. It is much better than believing that the feeling they each had a great purpose for being here was just a lie to convince me to carry them all to term despite the obvious things I was lacking and fear I would sentence them to a life of horror and neglect.
If nothing else this just reminded me that my mother once told me that I cared for a set of puppies with more love and attention than some people cared for their children and that there was no way anything could suffer if it was loved by me as I wouldn't let it. Gawd I miss her.
Saturday, March 25, 2017
Figures, Finally the Time to Write an Entire Thought, Should Have Known a Fancy Header Would Escape Me.....
Had a rare quiet moment alone and for some reason thought back to my second grade in school. Memorable for many reasons, not all great, but memorable. Of course it was second grade, my teachers' name was Mrs. Two, and I guess I was 8 years old. I thought for a moment that Mrs. Two must be quite old by now if she is even still alive. I am 48 so she would be at least 70. My mother would be 71 on April 1st and she is gone so......Back to the point. I don't remember all the details but I do remember my step dad coming into my room late one night when he thought everyone was asleep. Then my mom called out for him, he tried to make some excuse, but barely believable that you were bringing someone a drink without a glass of water in your hand. We occasionally heard them fight, but I didn't know until a few years ago that he had hit my mom. I don't if it was that night but it was around the same time. I always remembered Mrs. Two taking us to her house after taking us; sorry "us" would be my younger sister Wendi; to her house after taking us to the movies. I guess I can't remember the movie because I was too nervous. My mom rarely left us anywhere except with the neighbor who babysat everyones kids. When she finally picked us up she had moved us and pretty much all of our stuff to an an apartment a few blocks from where our house had been.
My thoughts today, and for many days since age 8, were how much love and respect I had for my mother. How brave she was. How scared she must have been. I knew she had no knowledge of what my step dad was doing, and I just believed she left him to save me. I only wish she could have known that when I told her, at age 22, what had really been going on. I wish she could have told me that he had been beating her and that (so my aunt told me) she hid a black eye from us for weeks.
I have had an interesting life, always seeming to have something happen to me, learning from it as opposed to being devastated or damaged. I am aware that I always seem to have an example of what could have become of me or how it could have been worse and finding the way to understand I couldn't have done anything to avoid the disaster and know it wasn't my fault. The biggest blessing, I think I learned from my mom, was to try and help someone else avoid the same or help them overcome when they endured the same. It is a big part of the healing process. The hardest part is knowing, by mom's advice, that there is always someone worse off than I am. There is no comfort in that, only the strength to get over what was happening to me and try to help someone else.
Today my thoughts started with wondering where Ms. Two was today. Not sure I could find her on facebook or otherwise without her first name. Or that she would even remember the two little faces of the children she helped save. Just wanting to thank her now. It cannot be easy to be a teacher period. But to go the extra mile and take us for a while and risk being involved in the whole mess was definitely above and beyond. Must have inspired my early appreciation for teachers and their ability to care for so many little bodies and minds for even a few hours a day.
After a lengthy pause so many questions come to mind, and thoughts. What inspired me to come here to write this? in this moment? The house is never quiet for more than a minute. I am constantly interrupted and always feeling the need to write something, but never finding the quiet time, until now. I often have inspirational or enlightening things to say to other people or for other people. I get nervous when the thoughts or feelings seem to be from somewhere for me. Afraid something is going to go wrong with one of my children or friends. Afraid I am calm and clear headed as disaster is about to strike. I can only hope not.
I hope if you are reading this that something I have said has somehow helped or inspired or spoken to you. I hope nothing bad lies in waiting for any of us but my hoping that has never stopped anything from going wrong, that I know of anyway.
My thoughts today, and for many days since age 8, were how much love and respect I had for my mother. How brave she was. How scared she must have been. I knew she had no knowledge of what my step dad was doing, and I just believed she left him to save me. I only wish she could have known that when I told her, at age 22, what had really been going on. I wish she could have told me that he had been beating her and that (so my aunt told me) she hid a black eye from us for weeks.
I have had an interesting life, always seeming to have something happen to me, learning from it as opposed to being devastated or damaged. I am aware that I always seem to have an example of what could have become of me or how it could have been worse and finding the way to understand I couldn't have done anything to avoid the disaster and know it wasn't my fault. The biggest blessing, I think I learned from my mom, was to try and help someone else avoid the same or help them overcome when they endured the same. It is a big part of the healing process. The hardest part is knowing, by mom's advice, that there is always someone worse off than I am. There is no comfort in that, only the strength to get over what was happening to me and try to help someone else.
Today my thoughts started with wondering where Ms. Two was today. Not sure I could find her on facebook or otherwise without her first name. Or that she would even remember the two little faces of the children she helped save. Just wanting to thank her now. It cannot be easy to be a teacher period. But to go the extra mile and take us for a while and risk being involved in the whole mess was definitely above and beyond. Must have inspired my early appreciation for teachers and their ability to care for so many little bodies and minds for even a few hours a day.
After a lengthy pause so many questions come to mind, and thoughts. What inspired me to come here to write this? in this moment? The house is never quiet for more than a minute. I am constantly interrupted and always feeling the need to write something, but never finding the quiet time, until now. I often have inspirational or enlightening things to say to other people or for other people. I get nervous when the thoughts or feelings seem to be from somewhere for me. Afraid something is going to go wrong with one of my children or friends. Afraid I am calm and clear headed as disaster is about to strike. I can only hope not.
I hope if you are reading this that something I have said has somehow helped or inspired or spoken to you. I hope nothing bad lies in waiting for any of us but my hoping that has never stopped anything from going wrong, that I know of anyway.
Thursday, January 5, 2017
"What's This Life For?"
I am sitting in my cluttered office/room/bad episode of hoarders trying to clear out clutter and ready myself for a yard sale. My mother heavy on my heart and mind. My sister as well. I found a small God Box I received from a friend I met playing poker on facebook. Next came across a pack of stickers my best friend Tammy's mom, well was going to say gave me, but have to come clean and admit I took them when I stayed with her once. I had to admit that and will have to send her an apology. She will surely think I am nuts, I am, I just have to be able to say to people with conviction that I don't lie, steal or cheat and can be trusted. Truly hoped at the time she would bless me with some of the "God fodder" she had, stickers, books, writing paper and when she started too and couldn't bring herself to, I learned how taking what isn't yours ruins the blessing you might have received from someone and how you ruin their opportunity to give something and feel good.
A giant pause there. I sat down thinking so many things and questioning so many things as usual. Haven't had much opportunity to write as interruptions are constant here. Husband out of a dead sleep and banging around now. So it stops here and I will attempt to finish a thought later some time.
A giant pause there. I sat down thinking so many things and questioning so many things as usual. Haven't had much opportunity to write as interruptions are constant here. Husband out of a dead sleep and banging around now. So it stops here and I will attempt to finish a thought later some time.
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