Well today started off normal enough. Aside from my exploding leg and the usual kids fights. Then I said something that set Tawni off (my oldest who lives with paternal grandparents, not by choice, and 9 years too long). The rest remains on Facebook as a note. Most know part of the story but no one person knows all the gory details except me. Find it makes explaining things in a crisis a little easier if people know what is really going on.
(Posted in notes so you can avoid my worst life story if you choose) I wondered if this day would ever come...
July 4, 2015 at 2:36pm
wow that was, interesting.....Tori kept on nagging about going to fireworks WAY out of town with their cousins (Tammy) mother and her mothers sisters. It is also a birthday for Tammy's youngest child.
Tony's parents have charge of her and 3 more of Tammy's small kids right now. Her mother is the one one who instigated the only physical fight Tony's mom and I ever had before any of them were born. Tammy was the one who babysat my Tawni for his parents (even though we were physically close and supposed to be being asked to have her as much as possible) as she lived with them too. Tammy ended up pregnant at 15 (no one ever determined that to be a problem at the time despite Tony constantly checking in on them and raising the question) from an man older than her that barely spoke English.
I was afraid "the top would blow off" tonight if we went to this thing. I didn't want to be out in the middle of nowhere and the cause of a family feud.
Well Tori kept nagging, my leg is finally-well beyond description right now, and I said something to the effect of "grandpa said we should probably just not worry about going, my stupid leg hurts and I can't sit in a stupid car for a hour" Tawni freaked out. She thought I called Tori stupid, ran out the door, screaming how she hates when I do that to them. I told Tony to handle it. Waited a few minutes, told her I was sorry and that I called the car stupid. She said "no you didn't". I yelled "if your grandma hadn't brain washed you into thinking I was such a horrible person you wouldn't hear things or get so upset. I went and thought a few more minutes and End result, ran out the door and spilled 9 years of held in emotions and thoughts. I told her "I'm sorry if I called her a name or didn't, I'm sorry I get so upset and freak everyone out. I can't go to this tonight because I will tell everyone that none of us would be here if your dad (Tony, my husband) had done what he was supposed to, if your grandma hadn't lied, if your grandparents would have watched you and Tammy (the cousin) none of us would be here right now. And every day since if she hadn't brain washed you into believing I was so horrible, CPS hadn't made up lies(like saying I hit her during a visit)(yes they lie a lot) and I want you to know from the minute you were out of my hands I did every fucking thing anyone told me to do and how to do it to get you back. You never should have been kept from me, Tammy should have never been left to take care of you, and I love you kids more than life."
I will not deny I had a part in the entire mess, most definitely, however I also did more to jump through hoops and prove I could be a good mother to her than anyone could even believe at the time. I guess her and her dad shared a conversation as well. I have held it all in because each time we went to court to get her back and proved we could she would end up needing the psychiatrist suddenly and having issues. Power of suggestion is an amazing thing. I hate liars for a really good reason and I guess Tawni said "grandma didn't brain wash me" and he said "yes she did, you just wouldn't remember, you were brainwashed". Writing this I just realized that I better still be alive when the time comes that she has to heal from that. The flashbacks are not easy to handle. Mine of course are of a whole other more horrible kind. Either way they aren't fun and I am sorry I ever allowed her to be subjected to any of it.
HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY. She held me and forgave me and is off to fireworks.
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