The Desire to Master a 2 Sentence Facebook Post and Save the World is No Easy Task.......

Well it’s Wednesday again.  It is my only weekday off.  The only day I have to get important M-F 8-5 business done.  Always had a job where at the least, we could use the phone.  Current job has requires being tethered to a headset for 6.5 hours of my shift with no interruptions allowed. It never fails, when I am working on getting Tawni home with us, the check engine light is on again in my truck, and the battery is doing something weird.  I just muddle through though.  I can at least laugh at the many odd co-incidences and strange anomalies that go on around me.  People tend to think I am nuts until they are around and witness things.  The one thing I enjoy about growing old is the ability to laugh at things that used to plague me.  The realization and confirmation, that something out there has a little control over some things.  The confirmation may be as simple as thinking that three people, in different cities may coincidentally all lock their keys in their cars in a Wal-Mart parking lot at the exact same time.  I had to test the theory to be sure they were not just test calls set up by my employer.  After the next similar occurrence, I chose to believe something out there knows when we are paying attention.

Picking a track, much less staying on it, is always going to be a chore.  Just came in from driving the girls to school.  Riding home after dropping off the kids at school, I had an epiphany (I like to call them).  I was going to paste on Facebook.  In the few steps from the car to the desk, the words originally thought to post, quickly go from a sentence to a paragraph.  I then thought of the blog and a thousand other ideas.  Sitting now, trying to put it all into something easily understood, grammatically correct, interesting enough for a stranger to read and most of all-something my children will be able to follow and understand. 

Sitting here, pausing in between paragraphs, being overwhelmed with a million feelings, a thousand thoughts and ideas and finally a small sense of peace, laughing at myself, the realization………

The realization that I am incapable of a single thought process has inspired a "key" for reading my posts.  Attempts to put thoughts into a bulleted list would result in running out of sub identifiers.  Moving forward, when the thought process interrupts the thought process, a change in font color will signify it.  Making it easier to just keep writing and refrain from the over explaining.  This is the only way to get passed over explaining everything.  This paragraph, Words’ spelling and grammar check, and various other things have even inspired me use this blog to better myself.  Desire to change manner of thinking and speaking  to a more effective manner are also fuel to this blogs fire. It is a bit odd to have a blog so lacking in direction, that reads more like a diary than ……….

Stopped for definition of blog. 

A regularly updated website or web page, typically one run by an individual or small group, which is written in an informal or conversational style.

Thankfully, that “stopped that train in its tracks” and inspired a newfound confidence in writing this blog.  On that note, an hour and ½ has passed since I started writing this.  Turning on spell check and grammar check was a real test and took up most of that time.  No one can say I am unwilling to change or improve though.  My original post to Facebook was going to be:

Today I am grateful for:

         1.   Being blessed with not knowing how awful my life was while I was living                   it.  Hindsight is an amazing buffer.

         2.   Having the will to fight becoming a product of that torture and examples in               place to give me direction and inspire me to rise above it.

         3.   A heart that continues to over ride my mind, pushing me to keep helping                  others who are enduring the same or worse, instead of focusing on me.

         4.  All of the people I call family/friends who continue to inspire me.

      The only thing I could want for is the faith that there is a God and He would protect us from suffering.  That is a whole other 3-hour post for sure.

When you haven't opened mail in months start with the junk mail........

,I opened and envelope tonight, haven't opened any mail in about a month just haven't wanted to deal with any of it. Mostly the medical bills. From Tori almost dieing, my leg (took 3 months to get any notice I owed anything for those visits and yes in the "olden days with Maricopa County and BCBS I either paid $10/doctor and $5/prescriptions or I paid nothing just gave them my card.). I thought it was BMG that old company that would front you music and videos (another funny long story)

THEN I see it, it's addressed to me first line, Tori my 10 year old on the next line like its a joint account or something. Nothing about the letter is familiar at all just says, Tami Jo (uh yeah i used that name never)your creditor, __________has assigned your account to us for collections. None of the dates or reference numbers, addresses match anything familiar and no company I have heard of, Guess it could still be the music vendor but since Tori is on it I can assume it is related to her hospital stay. Says I have 30 days to of course pay them, dispute the validity of the debt or it is valid AND THEN THEY will get a valid copy of the debt and file a judgement.THEN in 30 days they will "PROVIDE ME WITH THE NAME OF THE ORIGINAL CREDITOR, IF IT IS A DIFFERENT CREDITOR THEY WILL TELL ME.. HMMMMMM,

So lets go back to the 4 day hospital stay when Tori almost died. We hit the urgent care, 2 hospitals, 1 ambulance ride we had no choice but to take, and 4 follow up doctor visits x 3 kids. which we had to take out a $350 loan for because it wasn't payday, that was for urgent care and 3 doctor visits.

So now i have to respond in some way (or not, 20 years cleaning up my credit and now this shit). All I foresee immediately is people getting these letters in 100x the capacity that we have know before. from companies that don't exist and that is just due to having health insurance. My minor child should not even be mentioned on this paper. Period. She is 10 and can't even work to earn a living or make her own medical decisions. back the fuck off. then no itemized billing with dates and proof I actually owe something?? really, and that is legal? If i actually owe you money by all means map it out for me. How the hell did we get ourselves in this mess? I can't call Experian and say "so and so has sent me a fraudulent bill, if they attempt to report negatively on anyone please alert everyone and don't allow them to report to you.....

Working Out the Bugs aka Airing Out My Head

STARTED THIS ON FACEBOOK LAST NIGHT SOMETIME BETWEEN 10PM AND 12AM. JUST LEFT IT SITTING ON MY WALL UN POSTED, LINGERING. Figuring that sometimes my baggage is just too sad for some people to even have to read. Figured here the whole universe can chose to read it or not... May not be the best route either but most of the time what is say is truly meant to be screamed at whatever powers that be that can or will help or care.

Had thought earlier about finally doing something in this "blog without a cause" or "rant without a reason"......lol. Still trying to find and keep my sense of humor as I slowly die inside. Missing and feeling i have failed my oldest child. Feeling bad for the other three and licking my wounds as a lifetime of liars and lies seem to become my harsh reality. My head is not filled with the usual barage of ideas, thoughts or pre-planted wisdom from others, but a place filled with harsh truths-- I was too naive to hear or too stupid to realize, play over and over.


NOW BACK TO THE "THIS", the never seen on Facebook, facebook post.....

And just when i think i couldn't be more sad, my husband careless corrects my math helping me realize that i had been stuck on 9 years for some reason, Tawni has been gone since 8/13/2004. OMG. and that is 12 years of making slow progress while jobs, and landlords, and lord knows who screwed us over, stole from us and we kept trying and staying close. Not some bullshit get her back screw up, start over constant, slow tedious painful progress and having her emotionally and mentally tortured for getting near us. GOD DAMN IT OR BLESS IT give me my child.

Now 2 hours after starting this, I will close again for now. I feel like I could write for hours, but knowing it would have no direction or purpose. I'm not so big on purpose, as direction, for my own sanity really. I have been told that I "do say things that inspire feelings in people, or thoughts they hadn't processed or given them a message they needed to hear". That freed me from the obsessive desire to save the world and to just write. What holds me back is the inability to make it all "usable". To express myself without so much explanation. Maybe even understand me. Leaning now toward explaining me to my oldest child. And her sisters, really, but idk.

I never wanted them to know the sadness i have known, their pity is not my goal either. I didn't want them to know the reality of how awful both sets of grandparents truly were and are. Then I think, they chose that path not me, an I hope someone gets pictures of it-----wow that came out of left field, anyway......more to come, or not. Sometimes I just start typing and words and paragraphs come out that i am barely aware of what i write. I don't know where the words come from, I just let them come, usually it is something positive (I hope) for someone in particular. Sometimes I don't remember writing them...

lastly the "things that go bump" in my house are back again. Not just noises or missing things, this time actual proof, but will save that for another time and hope it is figuring out what all of these things mean, if anything at all

May 30th 2014 and 2016,

Well, thanks to Facebook "Memories" this may all get pieced together faster than originally anticipated.  Some of it anyway.  Or I will copy and paste and ramble on for a few days, then quit for 6 months, hard to say.  If I try to force the writing it has no meaning or clarity to anyone, so I don't, most days I want to but don't.  I keep hoping I will figure out some "gift" or ability or some reason why or how I "know things".  I wanted it to help find out who murdered my dad.  Not necessarily for the recognition, although 5 min of fame would be interesting, but mostly because someone needs to be locked up for it.

Well anyway, facebook two years ago,

Tami Tillman

May 30, 2014 at 6:21pm  

I felt the need to explain me a little since everyone has been worried. I post trying to find answers to what goes on and forget you all don't always know what the hell is going on. 

I promise if I am ever so "mental" that I need help or my kids need help I will personally ask anyone or everyone for help. 

1st I promise to write the book someday soon about what happened with my oldest child and the series of unfortunate events, horrible people and unexplained anomalies that can ruin someone's life and no one would believe even with witnesses. 

2nd, I have through hindsight, trial and error and my current husband witnessing--had the misfortune of realizing that when someone I care about (which now means a list of about 350 people) is dying or having something so monumental going on physically that I "know it", feel it, act it out (for lack of a better explanation). IE: the day my sister was arrested I was hysterically worried about her, which is only a mild explanation of what goes on with me. Pretty hard to describe. 

Keeping it short, haha,  I will leave it with the worst of all of the experiences being when my dad and his wife were murdered. I was attempting to move in an apartment in Phoenix after being on the streets, literally and was an emotional wreck.  I kept calling my dads' house and needed to get a hold of him with an annoying fierceness I had never felt before. Figured out in hindsight, by piecing together the timeline from reports, the police etc. we determined it was while the act was being committed. It left the police believing I was a suspect (I later found out). 

So sorry if I worry you. I am actually so worried about everyone that I am trying to figure out what is up. That is also why I ask what's up with all of you. Trying to match my "symptoms" or thoughts to someone I know and/or love suffering somehow or near death.   If you weren't sure before, know that I care about everyone more than is humanly normal. I have also been known to pass along (in my silliest Veggie Tales voice) a message from the Lord when someone is feeling lost and alone too. (I assume that's where it comes from, need to write THAT book too, just collecting testimony for now). 

So keep me or delete me but don't worry if get emo, just know it will pass in a day or two. This time the husband was seriously in the dog house which doesn't help the emotions much but when these episodes happen this house is usually under some spiritual "attack" and we are human and fall for the b.s. some times. It's been about 7 years since he (husband) really blew it, so what can you do, meaning decided to use the episode to start a fight between us so he could have a reason to leave.  <3

Just a Little Insight. Should Have Started This Two Years ago.......Better late than never.

Tami Tillman shared a memory.

May 29, 2016  Just realized this was exactly 2 years ago.  Interesting· 

Well imagine that, I wrote something I liked reading later. It still applies. My proofreading skills or lack thereof, seem unnecessary thank god. Hell I may learn something from what I write. When I do at any length I truly go outside of my heart and mind and it just flows through me. Didn't realize until someone said i sounded like, Erma Bombeck (maybe), and when I went back to read what it was I didn't even remember writing it, at all.

Tami Tillman

May 29, 2014 · 

I was going to post something sappy yet 1/2 comical (which pretty much means jumping off of something is off the table for today....in front of something still lingers: o) then I decided to take a shower.....Since a little episode back in 1997 I do my best thinking there....anyway I was going to look for my happy pills and now have decided to ride this one out.

 Expecting it to be an E-ticket ride (if you don't know don't ask, you are far too young and probably hot, you'll just make me feel old and I will cry). The part that stuck though was........(if I stay on here surfing the feed I cry so humor me) If you have a minute, please wow me with something wonderful or amazing that happened to you today, or any other day. Or if you are having a rough day park your butt here and watch and see what "they" have to say.....I finally remembered the best part of my life was when I was probably single, had some mediocre job that I loved too much and a car I couldn't afford and lots of people to watch. When I resigned myself to the reality that "those things" and "those lives" weren't for me--I would ruin them. So I would just watch and listen to people being happy, doing things, seeing things, loving and living and didn't complain or talk about me at all. I just got to enjoy seeing people happy and the fact that I was blessed with being near those people was more than I was entitled to anyway.

 If you are feeling at all sad for me or a glimpse of pity--kick it to the curb--take this whole post very literally and with less emotion--that is my job--I have had it since I was 7--hell I could drive a Scout, shoot a 357 and a semi auto with barely a bruise by then too so I can't be quite as emo as I often appear right?

 Oh yeah, finally almost started the blog too, of course I'm all OCD over it already can't decide on a background picture for the damn thing, but also rapidly gaining speed on how to put it to work for me too. by "partnering" with businesses for commissions on ads etc. Exit the ride to your left please and thank you for keeping your arms and legs inside the ride, Lord knows if you were injured the guilt would eat me alive and I surely can't afford the insurance!! Off to bother you all with a big girl question.

See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil....A Message from the Lord? or One Woman's' Elaborate Excuses to Avoid the Doctor?

Came up with the header for this in just the time it took me to cut and paste from facebook.  Ironically a Dr. Seuss cartoon was on talking about ears and hearing, all that goes with what you hear, how you hear and what to with all of that responsibility and miraculous wonder of it all.  

I was then able to come up with that age old saying.  Then feel comfortable that I do try to speak no evil.  Leading to me hoping that is all I was to learn from this.  That it was all I should "speak" about this.  I laugh at the odd coincidence of the whole "experience" and my take on it.  Laughing as I add this while proofreading, that I have earned the nickname "turbo tangent" and am glad to have turned being an emo, spaz, who fought depression into, at least something more humorous, and truly hope it is something more important.  Then back to the realization that i may lose my voice next and a healthy grip on reality that says I should see a doctor.  For now my eyesight is back and they can't very well test what ain't broken right?  

Well back to the would be facebook post turned blogger moment simply to spare those who prefer to check on me one sentence at a time and can't or don't want to deal with "all of this".

Facebook was spared.......

Woke up with Tony to send him off to work at 4am. Then fell asleep on the couch. Sometime later woke up to the sound of kids arguing, imagine that.  Tried to get up and my back hurt so badly I couldn't move and realized I couldn't see either. Just went back to sleep. Kept waking up and found my condition to be the same. Didn't say anything to the kids. Finally, about an hour ago (four hours on the couch) I told them to call their dad.  I had to go to the bathroom. No choice but to get up. 

Fought through the back pain and actually found that I do know where just about everything is in my house and a human voice, with my ears, can work like sonar to help keep me from running into everything. Anyway made it to the bathroom. Tori helped me find my coffee and luckily was nice enough to help me figure out the difference between my circle K coffee cup and the ashtray (that is a cup with a top) without letting me drink the wrong one. Cigarette is still hard to light, even though I could see bright white sparkler lights in front of my face, without your vision and a child you don't to get burned or have them practicing smoking. 

Second cigarette and back pain is OK, and my vision came back. Still unsure if the vision was gone or lids wouldn't open. I was oddly totally calm. 

My Tonni brought me a picture she had drawn prior to all of this. I recall her saying she was leaving it on my bed while I was on the couch. I turned to look at it and see the face with lips smiling and eyes were a line, closed eyes, but I laughed and said "could you please draw me with eyes from now on just in case?  "Keep the smile and give me ears too just to be safe".  I laughed, having previously fearing that things i said could possibly put a curse on people, and will keep an eye on that possibility.  

Through so many years of paying close attention to what goes on around me, how I affect the world and how people are, what they do and say and what they actually feel, you name it, I try to pay attention to it all and have focused somehow on what they feel.  How things that happen make them feel and how it affects what they do.  I'm not sure why. (well i am sure but will intermittently revert back to all of that as I go along)  I, now able to quote history, know I empathize, intercede, prophesy (carefully and quietly) for others, and I am realistic that I have my own share of medical issues and know a lot about stress induced everything. 

All of this works well enough to keep me from having to go to the doctor. Which is fine with me because right now I just won't go or go anywhere near a hospital. I have lost faith in criminal justice system, the medical "system" and the government is close behind.  School system too.  I just felt compelled to share.  I have this forum to hide behind a little better than facebook and also because some just don't "go there" with all of my wonder about God, and if there is one, and all of the unseen.  Some will just say I need to go to the doctor and I will love everyone for their advice and experience.  I am no scientologist, yet won't "go God" completely until I meet him. Will probably elaborate (i know can you imagine having MORE to say about anything?) on my "blog". 

I, in hindsight, know I am forewarned of things to come.  Combined with  The absence of fear in my heart right now tells me, well, to be prepared. I try to be, and always think how others would feel, ask how others would feel in case I can't imagine, and am grateful for seeing again and that i could make it to the bathroom and to my desk, and my smokes, and blessed that I didn't have to have my kids type this and read me your responses and I try not to take any of it for granted.

That all took over 4 hours to write and edit.  In a house with 1 dad who came home at 2pm to check on me, 3 girls on the first day of Summer Break and a crazy mom.  We are still missing one 15 year old.  Which may make it all crazier or even things out, but I hope we get to find out.  I am a "fixer" by nature, so we may start going to the library so I can write fluidly and give a specified amount of time to it uninterrupted (or at least less than I am here) and regularly.  Whether to empty out my head, ask for advice or possibly it will turn into my way to earn a living.  Realizing that it probably never will.  I am aware now that if was going to do anything and get rich or even just keep me afloat someone should have just picked something for me to do and pointed me in that direction.  The woman who raised me "the best she could" has left me now and she told me "you can be anything you put your mind to or do anything you want".  I could never do more than what was in front of me and out of desperation usually except to try and make it something worthy, help someone else doing it as that always felt better than doing things for myself. 

Loving people is what I do best, but for now that as a paying job is illegal.  
I was 1/2 raised by a family that taught me to find the humor in it all at some point as laughter feels much better than all hurt that reality brings and there aren't always answers for all the "why's" in the universe.

At the End of the Day Do People Like This Ever Realize They Suck?

The girlfriend of the father of one friend's son and my sisters son replied this to my request for his whereabouts.

Holly set your nickname to jackass.

Holly set the emoji to 💩.(that is a pile of shit btw)

1:08PM

The same person who dares to act like she is in my shoes with my child being taken and kept from me, when she clearly is the polar opposite of anything i am. The same person who got in a accident and left my information for victim. Who sat and got high while we took her newborn son who had that cough from hell that was killing children. And finally couldn't stay at our house because she couldn't respect my children and not use their bottle brush to clean her child's toys or get out of bed so my husband could get out the door past her to go to work.

If anyone runs into Holly I'd love a heads up, I have a few things I'd like to clarify for her and some aggression that needs direction. At least I realize now he doesn't deserve to be anywhere near those boys or affecting them. Him, my step idiot (donald thomas weaver===so sue me asshole) and a few choice others should be the ones to kill themselves or to attempt to and get to suffer for the lives they ruined......but they won't.

UPDATE--she changed it to "contact" and emoji "thumbs up" lol I shot her a quick note and thanked her for being human. may 7, 2016

Laughing now as I actually stopped to think, OMG, am I a total hypocrite and this is me? Do I suck so much that so many find lying to me and screwing me over justified? Maybe I am one of "them"? I even have a hard time saying with much conviction that it is not me and I don't.

It doesn't feel better to sit virtually alone and watch while another person passes away and their actual life that I was clueless to unfolds and leaves me feeling like some lost moron. For caring and thinking of people who found no problem in lying to me and to others about me because it was easier than loving me back, telling the truth or saying they were sorry. That they not only hated me enough to not just walk away, they went the extra mile to dump all their bullshit and lies on me and watch me suffer. Even in dying could not be compelled to come to clean. To say something that would fix what they had done or at least just spare me the pain of losing them by telling me that i was a fool to have ever cared.

no wonder helping other people or understanding their pain makes me feel better. because i can't do it for myself or don't know how, but I can not turn into all those people. I usually don't pass judgement or even share this sort of gossip. Because i truly hate saying horrible things about others and it doesn't improve my life. I always hope they will "see the light" and say they are sorry or change their ways and they don't or won't...............rambling rambling, crying, pondering.

I almost feel like I will come out of this mess a normal, well semi normal, human. Then on the other hand i fear that it will all make sense and my head will clear and mind will rest but sadly i will then die of a broken heart. Then it will have all been for nothing.......I swear if the afterlife is like an episode of the twilight zone and I find that there is higher power and we were it's Sea Monkey collection I don't know what I will do.

What's Worse, the Kid Who Does This Without a Second Thought? or The "Jury of Our Peers" That Think it's No Big Deal"?

 Cont. from facebook......

Thinking it is a great deterrent for others who don't have the sense to know it is (in my universe) unacceptable for anyone to expose themselves to another person, at any age, when it is not consensual.  What is frightening is the comments by grown adults of both sexes who say "lighten up", "what's the big deal", "what a waste of time", maybe they all need a tour of a sex offender caseload from any given court.  Or a trip to any counselor's office, or rehab full of victims of sexual misconduct on so many levels.  Maybe people have always been so ignorant to "gateway crimes" or the power of early detection of deviant behavior and/or deterring it but it wasn't so easy to publicly express their ignorance.  I was taught to think things through before I formed an opinion and certainly consider all sides.  These people either want to live in a society where walking around with "your junk" hanging out is acceptable and like the idea of catching a glance or they are just too stupid to realize if you let one do it you are making a statement that it is ok for everyone.  He was 18 when he did it.  an adult.  I seriously doubt the guy in front of him is thrilled to have the photo as published.  I wouldn't want my children exposed to this and if they were male if would be equally unacceptable.  What happened to proactive thinking and respect for the law?  I think the reporting, possibility of prosecution and public humiliation of the incident will deter him and many of his peers from doing it again.  50 comments from grown adults mocking the law, condoning and minimizing  the behavior will surely inspire someone else to go ahead and give it shot knowing they have the support of mindless "what's the big deal" individuals who like the thought of seeing an 18 year old holding his mind in his hand.


http://www.abc15.com/news/region-southeast-valley/mesa/county-attorney-to-not-prosecute-mesa-student-who-exposed-himself-in-yearbook-picture

Addendum to "It's Going to Be One of Those Days"---In Memory Of My Mom--Gay Arlene Tillman (Robertson) April 1, 1946 to May 2, 2016

I truly had no idea how true that statement was.  I was an hour late to work, with permission, to air out my head and calm down over the whole furniture fiasco, my oldest daughter and get my head in the AAA game.  I worked for a couple of hours then went to lunch late.  Was almost late returning (mind you all this activity is in my house at my desk in my room as I work from house doing customer service). when they posted "early and long lunches", something they do when call volume is low and idle bodies need to be off the clock.  So I requested to take the two hours.  Before they had time to answer my home phone rang and it was my aunt Jo, my mom's oldest sister.  Last I knew my mom was on her way home from the hospital and going to be ok, that was before her birthday on April 1st, she missed my kids birthdays on the 17 and 19th, no card, no call, I thought she was being stubborn or mad as we called a day late for her birthday.

Gay Arlene Tillman (Robertson)

April 1, 1946 to May 2, 2016

It's Going to Be One of THOSE Days.......(This was written a few hours before I was told my mom had died)

Have rewritten the header a thousand times.  Trying to summarize my life, what has happened and how the hell to move forward.  Posted on facebook, almost, and really just need a hug.  From an old friend or a couple of family members that I can still trust.  Everyone is so physically far away anymore and a hug and any words of inspiration used to keep me going.  Fighting.  Forgetting how awful it all was and managing to overcome or endure the most awful of circumstances.  I, since having kids, manage to even say something in my head, or on here, to get me passed the desire to quit.  Since quitting life is not something I think about doing by my own hand.  However at my age quitting has come to mind as letting "the elements" get to me and inadvertently ending the pain and confusion of everyday life, a mild heart attack will do that to you.

I got permission to be an hour late for work.  for weeks up to know they were giving people long lunches and time off without occurrence as the job is ending and we were overstaffed.  Of course today we all need to be there and doing as expected to keep a job and i need to be off.  I was supposed to deal with the finance company for this damn furniture or the furniture people or take a shower, and here I sit.

My header was going read something to the effect of God, is there one?  what is his plan? and overcoming the fact that for most of my life i believed there was a God and that everything bad that happened to me was a punishment for being bad and everything bad that happened around me was punishment for people who got to close to me because I was bad.  When I finally overcame those ideas I spent a lot of time just seeing the wonderful things he did, despite how horrible my life had gotten, i had no choice, focus on that or focus on the reality that somehow I had ended up with nothing and had nowhere to go and was starting to have things occur that would make God hate me and other humans not want to be near me.  So I muddled through only be left with the realization that if all along God wasn't mad at me, and wasn't making bad things happen that he then had to have sat by and watched as they did and did nothing to stop it.  Didn't warn me not go places, or deal with certain people or even give me choices prior to those things happening.  No smiting, or burning bushes, or voices in my head screaming "stop don't go there" or "do this instead" or even like other times when life is fine.  I would look for choices, alternatives, educate myself, ask question and still chose a path with absolutely no resistance to speak of or to warn me and no alternative when a choice had to be made or decision had to be made to move forward in life or complete a task.  Nothing, just straight into the fire and no consolation and actually even after feeling like I could overcome, fight the good fight, EVERY time I was left realizing what had happened, knowing to others it would seems impossible and watching someone get away with something and being able to nothing with any of it.  WHY?     

Going to leave my facebook post in full and put a link here. For I have nothing to fear but fear itself really.  I already know what the worst can happen is, being ignored, being deleted by my friends, being laughed at or mocked or someone who is intelligent thinking "why does this dumb broad think she needs a blog when she has nothing to say at all".    On the upside maybe my knight in shining armor will ride in a sweep me off.  Maybe I will win the lottery and just never have to worry about getting screwed over as I will pay cash for everything and be able to walk away and move to the next idea and return whatever i buy that isn't worth what i paid.  Or someone will just know who to call and how to help. (The finance company actually tried to with the furniture btw, them realizing how the store screwed me and probably them over, the fact that i was trying to be reasonable considering and trying to work it out but the store stopped that too.) 

Hopefully, because my knight will probably not be thrilled, at this point that i still haven't taken a shower......People do find me funny still, I try to, but sure wish now that I am laughing at myself that the whole mess was resolved with my child, her furniture, and a God== considering God is the only man humans will expect you to love, honor, trust and believe in when you have never met him, have never seen him doing the work we give him credit for, and trust without question.  100 years ago maybe, today, I say it sounds like a bad idea and you wouldn't suggest even talking to anyone like that. (age of technology)

To Blog or Not to Blog, That is the Question!!!!

I started the blog to get all of my "issues" at length off of facebook and intended on putting the link in facebook so if anyone wanted to hear the gory details they could choose to.  Another friend thought I might look for a job writing for someone or something.  Something I wrote "spoke to her" and she thought I might do the same for others.  I also had the brilliant revelation that I could earn money by partnering with certain entities and posting their advertising on the page as well.  Since then I chickened out of posting to facebook until the other day, a year later, I never found that special someplace that might find my writing enlightening and I am surely no "expert" on any one thing in particular at this point.  I found I have to have followers or readers to request to "earn a living" by advertising and 1 reader won't get me there.  

In the time since I started this page I have come a long way in my old simple life, by my standards anyway, if I reach outside of my box and look at the world around me I surely would have given up and considered myself a total failure.  So I stopped reaching outside of that box for now.  Writing about all the things that I have endured and overcome that truly would show my progress in life as huge success.  However rehashing the details is defeating at the same time.  Considering I was "the first one of my friends to have a job, a new car, and apartment" and I am now just getting a rented house, a very used vehicle and have a job that pays $10/hour, just those facts alone would imply that in 30 years I have made little progress at all.  

Today I am just sitting at my keyboard typing and barely thinking it through at all, just letting the words come out and thankful for spell check that keeps me sounding a little intelligent.  Too bad there isn't grammar check and punctuation correction for Emo's.  As much as Word tries it just doesn't "get me".

Laughing to myself now as I think of my husband, who wasn't always so funny but that is another chapter, said to me one day "jesus don't you ever just think nothing?" then corrected himself and said "I'm so sorry it can't be easy to be you".  We bought Dragon software for me, of course way after it was popular and found it on Ebay for pennies on the dollar, and then he said "it may be easier and accomplish more if we could somehow just hook up something to your brain that just typed it all out".  But we certainly don't have the know how even if someone has the technology.  Surely it will be patented and sold  by Ronco or whoever does those infomercials these days and someone else will get rich off of it.  

Now, living up to my "turbo tangent" nickname, I have lost sight of exactly what was going on here.  It started as I sent an email to my oldest daughter who lives with her paternal grandparents at age 14.  A whole long story that had better have a happy ending.  But anyway, she is stressed and my emails to her, that seem too short and too late in coming, are stressing her out.  She finally wanted to be here and spend the night and the pressure just as quickly sent her packing.   So I write a note to her, then cut 3/4 of it out and have been saving the rest all over my computer.  I know she will someday want or need to hear what they say though.  Or maybe not but I need her to know.  I never anticipated a mild heart attack at age 46 but that also inspired me to write things down somewhere my kids can find it in case I don't live forever.  Maybe no one will ever care, but being a people watcher and being a person with feelings myself, tell me that they will need to know when they are older, some things.  

Again, life interrupts, have to get to work and kids are actually trying to clean up the aftermath of our new bedroom furniture fiasco.  Almost forgot the point today.  Went to send Tawni an email (hate texting, probably because i never have less than a booksworth to say)  

my new schedule at work has me off on Tuesday, Friday, Sunday and I work 4 hours on Sat. like 3-7.  So I wouldn’t be on the computer when you arrived on Fridays.  Also don’t shop on Ebay but occasionally now and just sell a few things on there.  Wanted you to know if I “hide out” I just try not to smother you.  I am quite emo and don’t want to annoy or embarrass you girls for the most part.  l love you mom    

Whatever is wrong with me and this huge weight gain is being worked on, I am embarrassed of me and hearing you all making fun of some fat neighbor probably reminded me that hiding is better until I lose the weight or some of it.  That is just my feeling on things.  I was a kid once and I am very self conscious and not having insurance for years got me here fighting it all the way.  I would love to talk to you about any of this and will always listen when you need to talk and you can tell me anything, you would probably be amazed what I have been through and I just don’t openly share all of it as I don’t want to traumatize you girls with my mess.  I lived through it all and am fine considering and can help and don’t judge despite how hard I judge myself.  Every day I work on being a better me.  That is how I was raised.  I was never told I was or did enough therefore I try to treat you all a little different so you can grow up balanced and secure.  I have always feared that you would be lied to and never come back to me, but the good lord or whatever told me to just be me, keep telling the truth and fighting for what is right and you would see me for me and know what is right and decide for yourself what to do with everyone else.  You have nothing to be guilty or sorry or worried for.  We will fight for whatever you want to do or where you want to be.  I cannot give up on you or stop fighting but as you grow I wait for you to tell me rather than rip you out of your comfort zone.  I love you. 

Up to I love you, mom is what was sent.  the rest was what was edited out.  They pulled my husband into an impromptu counseling session one morning two weeks ago.  The same counselor we used to go see every time we went back to court to ask for custody back (still have parental rights after 11 years, which gives us the right to pay child support and be ignored by the system, but who is paying attention) and Tony's mom would put the pressure on Tawni and remind her how awful we were and fill her head with lies and she would need counseling.  Anyway, she mentioned some things that bothered her, so those are things I have been working on for myself, family, her or whatever because that is what I do.  I am trying to minimize since I don't want to be the one that sends her over the edge.  At these appointments we are told she had thought about cutting herself and was almost committed twice.  They used to be able to blame us and being with us.  The new twist is, after telling my husband that she had become suicidal after being with us he reminded them that she hadn't been at our house in over 3 weeks when these ideas and actions started.  Somehow they still tried to overlook that fact, but it is way too obvious to overlook.  Thankfully in a time of high emotions and drama for the rest of us he is able to focus on the details.  I would have immediately started being sorry and thinking it was me---or maybe not now, but probably.  I still haven't heard from her, I am the focus of all that is evil, and that is fine.   I will fight it all the way and hope my child comes out the other side of this happy, stable and ok and stronger than I ever was at her age.

MY LATEST RANT---FROM THE WHITE HOUSE TO THE WHORE HOUSE. PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE OUR PRIORITIES SEEM TO OUT OF WHACK!!

I HOPE TO HELL SOMEBODY IS GETTING RICH.  I keep seeing people complaining about everything from minimum wage workers wanting a raise to drug testing for people on welfare.  How did we as Americans get so one sided and such a sheepish mentality?  What happened to the "big picture" and thinking through our decisions before we spewed them out?  I guess it all went South when people who were born in the 20's and 30's started to become a rarity.  My grandmother always had something wise to say, and a story about how many different ways one should consider the outcome when having a "brilliant idea" or "cure all" for something.  People no longer seem to live by the constitution.  "Rights" as an American rarely get any talk time.  I haven't heard the 10 commandments mentioned in a conversation between parents and children in years, now that I think about it.  My facebook post was in response to another opinion on the McDonald's workers that dare to want a raise.  I hope Frank doesn't mind me adding his opinion which was one of my points as well.

It's time to slap the people working in fast food places!!

Richard Decker

April 20 at 8:44pm · 

Share the hell out of this!Frank Ortiz If you don't like what you get Learn how to cook cause every fast food worker is a high school student and it's their first jobUnlike · Reply · 1 · 14 hrsFrank Ortiz Before you make an assumption some people that want the the 15.00 live in areas with the cost of living is high and you survive on 7.50 an hour and having to deal with asshole people every day for 8 to 10 he day stay home and cook your mealsUnlike · Reply · 1 · 14 hrsTami Tillman Slap the hell out of a system that doesn't give equal cost of living raises to everyone. That has people working fast food jobs yet can't afford to eat there. Or giving money to the banks, finance companies, auto industry instead of the regular Joe Schmo who is just trying to make it. Today was my damn near final straw after living in housing run by slum lords, having cars stolen from me by finance companies, and buying glued together cars from private buyers, finally it's kids furniture still in awe at the shady business practices so many have adopted because everyone feels that stealing from other hard working Americans is the way to go. At least they have jobs and someone has to make the burgers and mow the lawns of Americans. When will everyone pull their heads of their asses and realize that we are worse than some third world country fighting in their streets, armed and killing each other. At least there it is out in the open and they own it. When did we all start screwing each other over and fighting some unspoken war against each other. My favorite "stand for something or fall for everything' is so where we are and just blind to it. Americans at least used to try to work together for a greater good or "American dream". What the hell happened? I hardly have an opinion on it though. And my shame would lie in not knowing how to fix it or where to start. I was not born to run a government nor am I good at leading a cause, but i am good at yelling, kicking, screaming, and begging for someone who does know how to step up and make this a life worth living in a Country we can be proud of again. Now I am hungry for the egg mcmuffin i stashed in the fridge cause i was too lazy and it was too hot to cook 

 Had to go back and add the whole post in the spirit of not losing anything, as I am on a roll now, considering all that was posted.  Went back to my friends wall and let loose, even shocking myself, guess I was holding a lot in for a while.  Post number two this fine morning at 1 a.m.  My last Tuesday off, had to switch to being off on Sundays, probably still won't spend it sitting in church.

Tami Tillman  12:55am 04/27/2016 Ok now you got me going. I know you surely aren't one to be this closed minded you must have been in a hurry. Bigger picture, since everyone is insisting on looking at the little one. What about the guy at the car dealership who doesn't fill out your financing paperwork correctly and you end up without your old car, unable to finance a new one and your new one is taken? I rather give the guy who made my breakfast and added ketchup to it a raise then the moron who cost me my job because i can't drive there. Or the Government job you are working for cost of living raises and paid education decides that the budget was done wrong and you receive no raise or no funding to pay for your classes. Or the eye doctor that fails to correctly test your eyes and the wrong prescription is given but insurance has paid for it already so they won't admit they made a mistake because it will cost their company money so you go without for a year. Or the surgeon that received the wrong record and performed brain surgery instead of gall bladder surgery and left a healthy husband brain dead? We need to look at the bigger picture and find a way to get back to being people who earn an honest wage for a days work, whatever it is. Fair wages, so if someone does get up and go to work they can afford a "piece of the pie". I could go on forever but I don't have a "plan" either. We have somehow gotten ourselves into this position and I don't know if we can save it. Your next post might send me in another wild rant, but recently realized that somehow the IRS (which i never rec'd a response to how it was created, by who, and who is the checks and balances for them) will tell you a tax return over 3 years old where you are due a refund is "too late to be filed" and in the same breath tell you if you owe them they will collect from you no matter how old it is and can audit you at their leisure as well. HOW DID WE GET SO GOOD AT SETTING OURSELVES UP to fail? The government should be by the people for the people. Court Systems are supposed to fair and just and work in favor of the honest and innocent until proven guilty (almost wrote it backwards) and when did we start pointing fingers and placing blame on each other instead of paying attention to where we were headed? Wages are a small part of the whole big picture. Hell I make $10/hour at my job. The guy who fixes my car gets $75-$100/hour. Just paying insurance (without considering co-pays and deductibles) takes half of my check right off the top. That doesn't leave money for McDonalds or water, or rent or even that mechanic.......something is off. Must be why the guy who sold me furniture was willing to lie about the quality, where it came from and set me up with a finance company that was going to get 3X what I was told for furniture that isn't worth the original price, cause somewhere he has to be able to afford everything I described above for his family or just him. Why can't we all just get a fair wage for a job and pay a fair price to stay alive?? Now we all need to hope someone is willing to make less than minimum wage to sling drinks from behind a bar so I can forget all this misery I can't control truly and have a few drinks. I knew years ago when I found out that strippers had to pay to go to work that the world was headed to hell in a handbasket. LITERALLY they have to pay the DJ for their service, and pay out the bar for "letting them" perform. Only in Merica.

THOSE WERE THE DAYS.......

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL BORN IN 1930's, 1940's, 50's, 60's, 70's and Early 80's !!! First, you survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, your baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints. You had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when you rode your bikes, you had no helmets .. As children, you would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags. Riding in the back of a van - loose - was always great fun. You drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle. You shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. You ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but you weren't overweight because...... YOU WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! You would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach you all day. And you were OK. You would spend hours building your go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out you forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, you learned to solve the problem . You did not have PlayStation's, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on satellite TV, DVDs, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........YOU HAD FRIENDS and you went outside and found them! You fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents you played with worms(well most boys did) and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. You made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although you were told it would happen, you did not poke out any eyes. You rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! You played sport in a local team and not everyone got picked to play every week. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing you out if you broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. You had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and you learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.Mel ColeApril 1 at 11:50pm · 

Copied from Facebook.  wondering why my spell check thinks learned is spelled wrong......Squirrel.