Larkin Poe - Mad As A Hatter

For My Mom, For Myself and For My Kids. Too Many Lessons To Learn From Without Her Here To Teach You. R.I.P. Momma.

Thank you all for sticking by me.  Thank you for loving me, worrying about me, donating to the cause when we were sure we'd live under a bridge and for not giving up on me when I wanted to or because some shitty "I'm better than you" jerk tried to make me feel that way.

On the way home from taking kids to school, when I usually pull in the driveway in tears due to some song hitting my heart and mind, I just pulled in.  Smiled and felt like me again, maybe a little better, not sad, not angry, just me.

Calling yesterday to hear the news I had already known in my heart for so long just ended it.  For the most part anyway.  Mom loved me and no one can take that away.  We know what went on that cheated us out of happy years together and who was to blame for that.  I know I am who I am because I chose to be.  I have more friends than most people would know what to do with.  I know the heart of every one of them and know why they were put in front of me.  The "thing" that made each one of you important to me and even if I have not met you in person or we rarely talk I can tell each of you the trait that makes you unique and why I wanted to be like you and have you influence my life.

I am still human. I am still angry. I will, if given the chance, take and means necessary to get back what was taken from me, my sister, and most of all my kids.  I am not completely over it and will still fight.  I will have to work and letting it go.  I will not let it consume me though.  I have been blessed with being in recovery, part of that process enabled me to live with a clear conscious, and that is priceless.

I was blessed with a wonderful husband.  I do not say much about him often as it has been a process.  My mom taught me if I wanted her to like someone, I should avoid telling her the shitty things someone does as it makes him or her hard to like.  Therefore, I have waited, as none of us is perfect, and he tries.  That is more than many people are blessed with.  I pay close attention to what others go through, and I can claim this blessing.  He works harder than he should and being married to him comes with its price too, but I can say, and I hope this time it doesn't feel like I am not allowed to, that we will have what we need to survive.  That is huge.  I have lived with nothing standing on a corner not far from where I am now, and I didn't get myself there and still can't grasp it all, but it won't happen again and as long as i breathe won't happen to my kids.

It is funny how something so small can change things.  I always play the lottery; hit the casino with supervision every so often, and then just work at doing what I can to earn a living.  The other day Papa John has had a post that said, "Tell us something nice you did and win a pizza".  I do not often get any pleasure from "bragging" about the things i do during the day.  It is not my money I give away at work, however I am accountable for it.  So anyway, I posted something from work and a personal thing I do and won a pizza.  It was delicious and I found a promo to get another free pizza for ordering and a 1/2 off coupon.  Therefore, we had a lot of pizza.  I can no longer say I never win anything and being nice can pay off in the end.

I, again, cannot lie I do not do nice things in search of a big payoff or easy lot in life but I can dream and wish that something would come easy.  At least something would come without a fight.  Alternatively, that something left to me would just be graciously given to me.  My mom never helped me with money, but I didn't care I earned it, however she did repeatedly say "you will get it when I die" and will not easily forget how I was treated by someone I adored and will not say any less than no matter what I am I am not a thief.  I will be happy I won the pizza that I am a nice person, and that I would not do the things done to me because no one deserves to be treated the way I have been.

I wanted the money my mom left to me (because it is rightfully mine and I shouldn't even be explaining myself, but that wasn't enough to make it so) so my husband could take some time off work, even just enough to have his surgery and rest a minute.  We could make up for the honeymoon we never had, take the vacation we never had, and take our kids to Disneyland and pick up my step sister, and her wife and my step brother if he was up for it and their mom along the way to Disney World to spread my mom's ashes in Florida (it is the only warm beach I will ever be able to afford to visit).  I would buy a brand new car, I would fix my teeth so I could smile again, I would fix my husband and my eyes so we could see clearly for a while, put an air conditioner in the '93 Mercury my husband gave to our child and if anything was left would put a down payment on a house.  My kids would have money earning interest for college, luckily we will still be broke enough that they will qualify for a luxury I did not~~Pell grants and hopefully scholarships.  I would have a good handle on how to manage money.  A newfound faith in not worrying too much about not having enough (that cripples you into missing out on everything) that I could share with them (so they didn't have to go through working out all those childhood issues and poor choices that I had to) so they can get along in life.

I will end this, and get on with my day off, with saying I am proud that my mom entrusted me finally to have given my share of her estate in a lump sum of whatever it was.  I am confident that I earned that trust and I need no confirmation from anyone else.  I may never have the chance to tell my sister that I could blame her for all the opportunity she wasted.  How her choices left us in the position to be taken advantage of.  How lucky she is to have had the time she did with my mother, the time her child spent with my mom and the part he played in keeping me from her.  It would not matter, if she were not aware already she never would be.  I will still know my mom left Wendi’s' portion paid out in monthly payments to be sure she had at least a roof over her head.  In a normal family, I know my family could have moved to TX and kept the house going, kept Dakota with us and had a place for Wendi to come when she was released from prison.  I could have gotten myself to TX for my mom if I had not trusted my aunt to get me there.  It was the first time I had trusted my fate to anyone without question.  She made me promise to wait for her to come get me.  With that I will have to let go of the anger that I hold just knowing had I gotten there she would not have died alone.  Period. 

If there is a God what happened to miracles, burning bushes and people being smited?

There it is! Silly me thought we had made some unspoken "rise above the bullshit of being broke and unable to do shit about it" upgrade in the universe. To just be able to get a car fixed, or buy a new car at less than 30% interest or catch a flight when someone is dying or buy groceries and afford utilities or just plain be able to earn money and not get screwed over.

Tony just broke down on the off ramp in Peoria. AAA will go get the damn car and bring it home. He was about a minute away from asking for a monthly gas allowance and we might have be able to get a new car (as opposed to throwing money away fixing old cars) and had actually started to consider trying to buy a house. All things considered we still rate among the bottom feeders that aren't fit to be blessed it seems. I am smart enough to know I am not getting a car repo'd ever again so we aren't racing into that option much less losing a house.

My truck has been driven for 5 months with a check engine light on and we still owe (triple the usual cost it seems) the mechanic, I used to trust, for the last repair. I take kids to school and pick them up so he can't drive my truck and it would only make it to his work about 3 times before it broke down. They still haven't gotten us his "401K" from his last job, and won't for another month, and it is already earmarked for bills.

Still all just pisses me off when my aunt/cousin should have sent me a check months ago for at least $25,000 and that is on the low side, they have lied about everything so that number is based on what I know, I probably don't want to know what she actually had. They were able to do that by just omitting information and me not being able to do a damn thing about it. So fucking tired of ppl stealing our money or holding it hostage. Tired of being the exception to every rule of everything and people expecting me to just still and suffer or being forced to because I don't have enough money to "make" people do anything. For example: give me the shit my mom left for me, pay out money we earned (and should have never lost any of much less having a hardship withdrawal ignored or denied).

Truly the problem is in the way I see things. I have been around long enough to accept that I am blessed with certain "gifts" or abilities or whatever you want to call it. I can see things others barely notice (I'm pretty sure), I find myself in position to see when something is wrong, have some sign to confirm that it is wrong, and am smart enough to seek out a solution to fix the problem or hold someone accountable. Then I have had some experience that enables me to see how it went wrong (and nobody else noticed or others actually were a party, maybe unwittingly, and I am able to know that too)know what the "wrong" is and that I couldn't stop it (so I don't focus on that and skip the blaming me part) then have the knowledge and confidence to fight for what is right.

Then the curse comes in and the blessing is automatically voided by me being equally aware that I don't possess the resources to do anything about the problem and if I try to the loss usually multiplies. Furthermore I have the hindsight to see that I couldn't have done anything differently; aware of the incidents where I could done something if someone else hadn't affected my destiny (usually by lying or stealing), the right now realization that I am not going to be able to be able do anything to improve my situation or hold anyone accountable (which I try not to cry about for long) and the foresight to see and accept that I will never have more than exactly what I need and even one mistake in judgement will result in that not even being true. I will think of a million possibilities for answers to problems (like calling the 401k ppl and again asking for a hardship withdrawal now) that are feasible and thinking that comes from some higher power and I will be able to fix the problem. Time and time again though, I just end up being very aware that I don't have the power to do anything based on lack of money and there is no higher power that is going to bless me or protect me from loss and/or being victimized and no matter how I treat people there will always be some way I am left feeling afraid I will end up under a bridge with my kids.

A second attempt at sparing the innocent and seeing if anyone else is inspired to keep reading......

This started as a facebook post that rambled on for far too many paragraphs. So I am dragging it here in hopes, again, that I can come up with a blog that someone finds interesting enough, or helpful enough to read.

A few friends have commented that my writing "speaks to them" or that something I wrote "helped them understand something or related to something they hadn't been able to before". Occasionally something I say or write is a little foresight as to something that is going to happen and/or prepares me for the worst and for others lead them to something or someone that they needed to find to be safe and happy in life. I hope something you read here helps someone somehow to cope with life a little easier, understand someone or something you might not have without reading it, blesses you somehow or helps you to bless someone else.

I have always cared for others, been happy when others were happy, felt pain when others hurt and tried to forget the things that ailed me as "it could always be worse or I could be less capable of coping" and I now still have a hard time with wanting to be blessed, wanting to have good things happen to me and wish that "the powers that be" would somehow let me be that woman who won millions of dollars. Remains to be seen.

Here is the facebook post from 01/16/2018 the 3rd paragraph on is what I moved here. Hoping this will inspire me to start writing again. If not for hope of a better future, it may fall back on being the place I explain my life so my children can one day read it and understand as we struggle to give them a life and try to inspire them to greater things, without traumatizing them with what I have endured and inspires me to deal with them in ways they don't yet appreciate or understand.

Now off to work and/or to attempt to retrieve money my husbands employer has gotten away with all but stealing, for too long now. My job is another issue, but pays our insurance for now, so quitting isn't an option, but being let go would not be so bad considering how bad it sucks.

F.B. 1/16/18 10:30am.

Thank you all for the birthday wishes and for keeping me in your thoughts. I'm sorry I have been off the grid. I kind of expected depression to take hold of me and I would just, I don't know, wither away. It didn't. It doesn't anymore. I don't know why. I have to assume I have either lost my mind (and will soon know how ppl end up under a bridge with tinfoil hats on) or there is nothing to be depressed about well there would be if I didn't have a strong mind, strong will and smart people to ask questions and seek out resources and fight for what is rightfully mine and still out there to be regained.

I still haven't paid rent or acknowledged the emails after i told the landlord we will be fine next month but literally just don't have rent since Tony's x employer kept his last check and we can't get at the $10,000 they socked away in a profit losing account (nope not in a 401k or federal prevailing wage/fringe benefit account and yes it is illegal--but nothing is until a judge hears it). But having paid rent for 3 years, increasing yearly without ever being late I hope counts for something (still don't feel right about it, but can't move either).

Anyway, I am turning over a new leaf, and going to try--again---posting what my issue is, asking for people to enlighten me as to how they have handled issues and/or reaching out and maybe finding someone with a similar problem to put our heads and resources together to find a solution. I have tried such things before and been left kind of defeated and wishing more people knew how to or desired to "join forces" to find solutions.

Continuation: After a few monumental experiences the last few weeks I am going to once again try a new way of doing things. I am finally going to just make things happen. (do you sense me looking around hoping I can make this work with absolutely no confidence due to past failures lol). I am too smart, care too much and have lost too much that I can still fight for to give up. I don't need pity and am tired of not being one someone can ask for help. I don't like focusing on how truly alone I am (and a little devastated at my own families behavior and how lying has affected my universe as a whole---not me lying--I barely know how). It is not easy feeling like the only person in the world who has no close family and no longer has a crowd of friends to meet up with all the time (god i could have stayed 22 forever when 100 of my closest friends partied together). I keep trying to find someone to adopt me but everyone seems to have someone and I look nuts. Anyway....

Watching from my point of view, the government and the direction it seems to be heading and fearing it is going to directly affect our lives negatively is scary as we fall into the "above poverty level" with no increase in wages and many of the "small assistance" programs are wiped out but nothing in place to fill that gap. The insurance laws are impoverishing us from car insurance (caught my company cancelling policies and keeping funds) to medical insurance (finance dept at Mayo hospital enlightened me to where my insurance should normally be covering costs and it is leaving me with a balance due on top of taking 50% of my paycheck).

I have rambled on more than I intended to as usual. I was provoked to higher thinking by an email I received. I thought it was an outside response to my gofundme account. Which seemed smart if someone wanted to help without paying their fees or whatever. It said to contact them back regarding assistance and left a ladies name and was from and educators email (it seemed). I sent a note back declaring that I was in great need of financial assistance and how horrible it would be if it was a scam or a cruel joke (who seeks out broke people to try to scam anyway?) then I looked up the name. Well she is a lady who won a huge lottery and took the cash benefit netting her about 350 million dollars. The story on her might leave one believing that she could or would seek out ppl to help. I doubt it though. That is the little hope I have in life that someone might have enough money and find me worthy of gifting some to.

When my own father lost his life for taking what wasn't his and didn't think enough of me to make sure I was taken care of (or will me one of the million dollar homes his blood money funded or even tell the person who controls them to will one to us) it is not hard to understand the "curse" of being broke. My mother taught me to work for all I had and I believed she couldn't afford to help with things and just didn't ask. She always said "you'll get it when I die" and luckily I had always said I didn't want it that way so it didn't hurt quite so much when my aunt and cousin made sure that didn't happen either and took everything including my chance to tell her goodbye. I don't have much hope of ever being able to have enough money to save money, or take a vacation, or even pay my bills on time. I worked 3 jobs when I was 19 to pay for a studio apartment and a car and couldn't afford college. So I buy a lottery ticket here and there, i hit a casino but only with my husband to make me go home, and I work my butt off any way I can and do nice things for people when I can because it makes me feel good and people don't expect it.

I aspire to someday be able to post how I have done miraculous things to better the lives of people I know and love. I wish I would be blessed with a windfall of money so I never needed to ask for help with just the basic necessities for my family and could give to those who had been where I have been. Until then I hope you don't mind if I pick your minds and ask for your experiences, strengths and hopes so I might make a difference and leave this life without worrying about my children's welfare and some dignity.

Good Bye Meaty Cakes, See You on the Other Side

09/06/2017 10:30am We lost our friend Meathead.  We rescued him November of 2013.  Saved him again when he ate a timer with a AAA battery in it in 2014.  After that he pretty much stopped chewing up stuff and became part of the family.  He will be missed.  I had a dream last night he was still alive, woke up, should have just stayed asleep.  

WHAT'S THIS LIFE FOR--PART II............."cause she ain't here anymore"......

 Was wondering why "the powers that be" can't seem to see fit for me to be able to bust my ass and live a life where I can do something good?  Afford to get on a plane and see my bff when I need to or wanted to, or show up when my mom is dying without anyone being able to stop me because I don't have to ask for help?  Or visit more with my best friend’s dad and step mom before she got sick and died.  Basically just not feel like a burden and possibly get to have “enough” to give to others instead of being needy.  Literally get knocked down every chance I get try to get up. Finally get back to school and collapse a lung. Work a job that is literally slowly killing me, because having the resources to drive to a job escape me, to keep the insurance that barely covers the cost of the medical bills to keep me alive. 

Then on the top 40 radio station they are talking about how great Taylor Swift is so great for lending Arianna Grande her plane to get her mother and her back home to Florida quickly.  I'm sorry, if I had that much money and a plane I'd be getting dead bodies to their families, and finding out what else I could do to help those who probably struggled to afford the concert ticket.  

Funny, it took three edits for me to see the irony in my wish for the money to buy plane tickets and take off work and the newsflash about Taylor Swifts’ plane—sadly there is nothing in either post that gives me hope or answers.  It tells me that I aspired and worked to be able to afford the plane, accepted that maybe only the plane tickets were in the cards for me and now left with the feeling that I was never worthy of any of it.  Where others find faith, I find the feeling of giant fist pounding me into the ground (figuratively) and stopping all efforts I make to be at least financially in charge of my own life.

I know I won't be too upset if I find myself without an interview today for a new job. This one ends at the end of the month and yeah it pays for our insurance, but it is over rated. We both (the husband and I) feel like the current insurance is just screwing with the natural selection process anyway. Yeah we have it, but it just allows us temporary medical relief and has sustained the life of Tori (11 year old twin) and I each once, but has racked up a huge debt we can't afford and if we had to pay for the care in advance we both wouldn’t be here because the insurance takes most of my check.  Then I spend most of the day dodging phone calls from collectors who act like I am living high on the hog and just not paying them out of selfish spite.

In my “over stimulated” always “trying to find the connection” and looking for “the signs” mind I hear that old drug commercial, "work more to make more money to do more drugs to work more" but you can change the word drug to anything and it's just as relevant and crazy and sadly defeating when you never ‘reach the golden ring”.  Well in a midlife crisis anyway. While you are living it it’s more of a challenge to rise above crazy and work less because you did more and only aspired to relax for a few minutes and not fear poverty and devastation at every turn.

I Never expected on trying this hard to do or be anything and my life ending wondering what the hell it was all for, or why I kept fighting so hard to try and rise above, all for nothing. Life was much better when I still had hopes that I would leave this world with people at least able to say “yeah she lived life to the fullest and helped people do _________” or “she was honest and it paid off by___________” or “sad she’s gone but she was able to leave her kids _______”.  Or “how exciting her last day on earth was spent at Disneyland with her kids after a trip across the USA in a Winnebago meeting everyone she became friends with on Facebook and people she hadn’t seen in years, spreading her moms’ ashes on a warm beach in the Bahamas”.  Not, “her fat ass had to have Mexican food from Valle Luna twice in one week and after yelling at her kids to do their chores and being ignored, had a heart attack after her intestines leaked poo into her body and they had to cut the roof off the house to get her fat ass out and no one could afford to cremate her so we threw her in a dump site”.  I thought a loving and powerful God would reserve that devastation for those who ruined the lives of innocent people, or were selfish, lazy and gluttonous; child molesters and puppy kickers.

All those years I told my mom I just wanted her and to have her appreciate how much I loved her.  Wanted to her to enjoy handing things down to me and hated when she said “you’ll get it when I die” but finally just accepted it---Did not ever expect to have my most adored, named after and named my child after hers; aunt turn on me and my kids and take it all.  Not even be able to say good bye and remember very clearly, sitting where I sit now, and feeling calm---listening to her promise that she would come get me and bring me there and thinking for the first time I was going to trust someone with my fate and it was going to be ok----to go ahead and stop freaking out and just know she was going to get me there and I would have no regrets and see my mother---when normally I would have keep asking for help, trying ideas and basically had figured out a plan even with no money at the moment she asked and no plan, like I usually do.

I have, as usual, lost my train of thought.  Well not lost it, but let it expand into 20 side tracks (good analogy huh) and need to reign it in before it derails.   The hope that I will one day feel and think and write and it will end with all those tracks coming back into the station to form one big well organized polished train, have pretty much left me (as my mind says maybe that will be the surprise now that you have put it all out there, don’t give up) and I have finally accepted my fate.  To be quiet, not fight and just try to fade out quietly, leaves me sad and hurt and faithless.  My laundry list of things that could have been worse is huge and my desire to kick and scream and tell God that those same things are now things that could have been better.  That having to settle for being grateful it wasn’t worse sucks.  The worst of it being the curses I will surely pass on to my children unknowingly and unwillingly and knowing that when I am gone they will have no one who will protect them from harm and even if they don’t deserve it they will suffer and never having gotten their sister home to them is my biggest failure.  Letting my mother in law “win” is the final act that has left me unable to find a loving a God or even one of power.  There are no miracles and doing what is right in life gets you only the knowledge that you did it and in this life you will go without for it.  No one will change their ways, or see the light, or ask for forgiveness to you or God.

The worst thing of all, the curse---when I was about 7 I was told “if you tell anyone, the will call you a liar, say you are crazy and they won’t believe you and you will be left alone” combined with “God see’s everything you do and knows what you are thinking” .  I fought it my whole life.  I couldn’t lie, cheat or steal because of it.  I wanted to believe I would “win”, that I could overcome the curse and would have a happy, productive, financially stable, good life despite all that adversity and loss.  Now, he wins.  He is still alive and the college he would have paid for never happened.  The children I raise exhibit signs of abuse they have never known and I don’t know why and they have no knowledge of my abuse.  I am without one of my children and she is being mentally tortured by my mother in law.  Every liar and thief I have gone against (almost) has prevailed in a court of law and in life while I had to stand by and take it. 

Now, after taking a shower (figure my time to reconcile my thoughts, will give God credit for the process if and when I meet him to confirm his presence and assistance)

I have a laundry list of ways to save the world, improve my life and positively affect those around me but usually set out for the day and forget all the inspiring words and ideas so here they are for this first time.

1.         1. Asked the husband to help me approach our child about her clothing, eating,

       and friends in a new way.  We love her and don’t mean to be critical, but the 

       way we have been handling things may leave her feeling/believing that people 

       who are rude and demeaning deserve a chance because we say rude and demeaning 

       things.  End result “we say one thing and do another” and how is she supposed 

       to stop talking to us.

2.            2.  Check into ability to be prophetic.  Is it a “god given gift”?  How does one 

        express to others they have a (in my veggie tales cucumber voice) message

        from the lord and is it even possible to use the gift to end death or suffering?   

       Or is it just to prepare you for it?  How can I use it and not fear it?  Wanting 

       so badly to preach it to the world and be proud in my heart that if there is a

       God, that he sees me trusts me and could use me to help those who can’t hear

       Him and better yet save us from suffering.  And how would one get their kids 

       to listen, as they thought I was nuts for watching them so closely as they 

       passed the sex offenders (not known until later) house to walk to friends houses?  

       Will try and avoid the thoughts that my time is coming soon.   

Had to take a break and run to the eye doctor, pick up Subway and eat with the husband, send my step sister a note about the attorney, send a message to a pro bono attorney I found in Austin about my mom, 3 other posts to friends on Facebook, a note to my bff to remind her/ask her to try and help me find ways to see her despite my limited income.  I was just inspired to contact the Nez Perce Indian Tribe about registering my family.  Then remembered I could look into contacting The Daughters of the Revolution for the girls.  My grandmother was one of them.  May seem archaic but when you have no role models for your kids you have to go somewhere. My Grandma was a member and seriously I don’t know how else to teach my kids refinement.  Still no email from work regarding an interview of any kind unless of course I am blind, stupid or am just not supposed to stay working there.

3.        3. I thought to send my step sister a note about contacting the current attorney 

      with a short note stating what my mom told her in lost Facebook messages 

      and emails and in person at her visit.

If there was a number four I forget it.  Thinking there was but had to get ready and go out into the world and try to do something.  No experience goes wasted on me for sure, nor do I leave anyone without challenging their minds at least and for some opening their hearts. 

I am still not the same person anymore.  Mind you I have always been changing, trying to better myself, learn new things and give back something in this life in return for the air that I breathe and space I take up.  I don’t need much help and actually if given too much help or sympathy it has an adverse affect on me and my mind.  I do however dream of a prince charming or June Cleaver or Superman or Wonder Woman coming to save me in my hour of desperation or just to tell me that I am the only one who could raise Thor’s hammer in return for my good heart and moral fiber.   But in reality I need to be needed a little and wouldn’t mind if someone took care of me for a minute. 

Since I will never hear my father apologize, or see my mother understand how much she inspired me and the respect and love I had for her and I will probably not get to see my step dad fear anything nor would giving up his life ever restore all he took from mine.  I can’t fix the hurtful things I have done unwillingly by being self conscious, and letting others in between those who love me.  The ex boyfriend just found me on Facebook, the one from when I was about 19 worked at a hotel (so I could afford to travel someday and/or travel for work).  He ended up dating my boss and everyone at work knew before I did.  Then I lost my job when she moved up from assistant GM to GM.  I haven’t added him as a friend yet.  Told him he needed a history lesson about who screwed things up and he should probably spell my name correctly.  Will wonder if it is a “sign” or just how life goes. 

Closed out the day needing $150 for Tyli's glasses, a starter for the Truck, a flat tire, and feeling a little less stressed and useless.   

Merely for the Purpose of Not Sending All My Friends Screaming and Running Away.......

Would have been a Facebook post. But I was so up, funny, and in a "kicking it's ass" mood a few hours ago. Then the ugly dip down into depression I had warded off for so long. Well for the most part. The shock and haze I have been in for a year was depression equivalent I guess. But as soon as I shook it off my bff's step mom died and I got sick. So I was normal and back to fighting for about a minute, then ripped away again.

Anyway here's the post if you braved popping over here for the whole saga. I don't think I am looking for sympathy so much as screaming for answers, wondering why someone who wants so badly to do great things and be great and give her kids a great life, gets kicked down so hard? And also just leaving an explanation so those who cared won't wonder what the hell happened when 3 hours before I seemed fine.

Facebook 5/14/2017 605pm says: When I went to rehab 12 years ago I was put back on anti-depressants and thought I would always have to take them. Stopped taking them when my insurance ended about 5 years ago and thought I would never need them again. Today I'm not sure I have the energy to find a doctor to start up again or if it is even covered by insurance.

The Part I spared you from that transpired after the first sentence and in my living room and mind: Realized just the other day I had finally come out of a year long funk and was glad to be tackling life again. Now I'm back to freaking out about my mom and worried I'm next.

My house looks like a war zone, I'm afraid to eat. All my kids do is fight and Tawni told her dad in a text today that it doesn't seem like I love her. I thought I was going to be ok when I got out of the hospital. Picked up kids and they won't stop fighting and bitching and I feel like I am losing it.

I don't mean to depress anyone but I am freaking out. Guess right now I would call my mom and she would tell me that it could be worse, suck it up, she'd make the kids laugh and tell them to clean the house and it would be ok. If they could just be nice to each other and helpful I might feel ok. but they refuse and my head is spinning. I want to run but none of the cars run again either. God wtf. I need a hug. Missed going out with the husband last night, the rare night we get alone maybe twice a year.

I was going to file papers to get Tawni back this week but why subject her to this?

I just realized I left the hospital without the diet I needed because I just wanted to be free. When I was there alone all I could think about was my mom alone dying, and feared just succumbing to whatever they said and letting them cut me open, having to stay there for weeks. Remembering Marlene's face and her mouthing to me for help and I couldn't do a fucking thing. Most of my life I thought I should be dead, tried more than a few ways to make it happen, and now that I have made it this far I'm not ready to die and certainly not trapped in a hospital alone or in front of my kids. But if I don't I'm back to 3 broken vehicles, a huge hospital bill and a job that ends next month and no new job yet. oh yeah and a ungrateful rescue dog that just cost me another $100 in shit she chewed up.

Being depressed is 10 times harder when you were relieved (spell check can't even spell that word fuck) of the curse and couldn't do what was needed to keep it at bay.