http://www.spin.com/2015/12/motorhead-lemmy-dead-ian-fraser-kilmister-70-rip/?utm_source=share-fb
Hopefully the above link works. Sitting at my desk doing the usual attempt to solve the worlds problems or just my own from my cluttered desk. Had thought earlier today about trying to put something legible, logical and worth reading on paper (you know what I mean). I was flipping through facebook and was amazed to see the above post. Most people would never have given it a second thought I am sure. There it was, Lemmy died, not a close friend. Not even someone I really followed in music. I was in the car I'm pretty sure, this morning going to get soda and smokes. Nothing in particular on my mind or on the radio. Certainly not Motorhead. But "lemmy" was the word that popped into my head. I had cocked my head sideways as I often do while talking to myself. It rang through again and I then shrugged it off. This morning was technically 3am on 12/29 and it seems he passed on 12/28. More clearly than most messages of the past, I am now just thinking "he wasn't close to me, so of course I wouldn't have "felt" him passing. However it may be (I hope) a sign of what I am capable of knowing (spiritually speaking)." I am not even close to being ready to knowing why I "know" things, usually people dying, but I am thrilled to be blessed with the ability. I think. "It" is much more calm now, the knowledge, than all the years up to now which is refreshing. It was emotionally draining, in hindsight, each time I was hit with a feeling, or thought, or (hoping to come up with the words to easily express the experience) whatever "it" is.
So there, this blog is nearly as "public" as I am capable of making it. Ok, well I haven't made it accessible from google, but I hate google and the way it is setup to share. Seems like a whole new facebook that also invades my email and I am not ready for sharing that much. lol. But my fight with technology is probably a whole other blog. I am ok with teaching myself how to do most things but explaining it to others will require a whole other degree I am too old to achieve. So for now you are safe.
More to come soon. Not sure if I need so badly to put it all to print for me? So I can find the "someone" who has the answers I need? Mostly have always needed a purpose. A special purpose would be cool. I don't need to stand out too much, but have always thought it would be cool to be the psychic who could help solve crimes, locate lost kids, find buried treasure that no one else could and to help people talk to people who have passed away if it is possible. We'll see. I mostly hope it all won't just disappear from me one day. I also never anticipated the ability may come in handy to solve my dad and his wife's murders. It damn near made me a suspect, which was scary, glad my lot in life was not a prison sentence for knowing the details of a crime that I should not know.
My deep need to save the world, my hope that life WILL someday be fair, and the want to keep my Facebook friends from removing me have finally pushed me here.....to try to turn it all into something useful or understandable, or that will make a difference for someone.
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Friday, December 25, 2015
Here's a little ditty....
This is the closest I have ever come to writing a "song", "poem", whatever. For the husband of a wonderful woman and close friend. She died on Christmas 2014. He reposted on facebook and didn't think enough of me to give me credit for writing it, so I am, because I wrote it. Period. Sticking up for myself this much is actually a big deal for me. I had always forgiven people who never asked to be. Was understanding of those who were rude, lied, stole, cheated, when they didn't want to be understood. I treated people like I would want to be treated, which I understand now, that no one seems to care about the things I do.
Anyway, food needs to be cooked and the kids who aren't supposed to be talking, can be heard through a few walls and doors and Five Finger Death Punch, so I will be back with more for sure later.
Here's to you Julie Booley Bear. Rock on on the other side and hold me and my girls close when you see us flailing or falling lol. Love you.
Anyway, food needs to be cooked and the kids who aren't supposed to be talking, can be heard through a few walls and doors and Five Finger Death Punch, so I will be back with more for sure later.
Here's to you Julie Booley Bear. Rock on on the other side and hold me and my girls close when you see us flailing or falling lol. Love you.
Dave Ochoa with Brutal Julie Lovelace-Ochoa.
22 hrs · YouTube ·
she comes to me in my sweet dreams, it's not enough i need to be---in the arms of my angel. to smell her hair and feel her there, it was heaven on earth. i'd give it all away just to be---in the arms of my angel.
She's a myth, mysterious and magical. She's more to me than eyes can see. She's far away yet here with me. She's all I ever needed-now a fantasy. I'd take my life so I could be......In the arms of my angel, been thru heaven and hell, in the arms of my angel. move heaven and earth, to be in the arms of my angel. Dear God this hurts-please set me free- to be, in the arms of my angel. - tami.j.t 2015
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Thanksgiving....trying to be thankful whether it sounds like it or not!
Still not much of a direction here. Found myself at 2am about to post my 3rd "paragraph" for the day and realized I hadn't even posted my one liner about Code Black (TV Series on after Criminal Minds on Wednesdays). Started to add to that post, and a half page later, I posted the one liner and cut and pasted the rest here. I am still unsure how to "go public" with this page and more unsure if I really want to. If only because of my new found annoyance at Microsoft, HP, whomever, who keep me just enough out of touch that I am nervous I will put my heart into something and it will disappear due to malfunction or I will get lost in some upgrade I never needed, nor asked for, nor got the memo on how to use. Anyway here is me, facebook-almost, 2am, and sharing with millions or talking to myself. Still unsure.
It is Thanksgiving. Need to shower and accomplish something today. Supposed to go to the in laws to eat. My kids are on the 4th or 5th day of "the last chance to clean their room". I think it has actually been going on since they were born. 3 girls, one room, 3 huge dressers and they can't seem to get their crap off the floor and their clothes in the dressers. However they can cause general unrest in a whole family and manage to get out of completely finishing because we eventually have to leave the house for something.
Off to get ready and try to figure out why my font here is increasing with each paragraph. It is giving me anxiety and making me feel like this should have all been gradually escalating to something Big and Exciting!! But I have nothing. Well, nothing good anyway. It was inspiring me to start to add pictures. Not of me of course. As I type this my hands are going numb from either carpal tunnel or poor circulation. I could obviously go on forever and life still goes on with 4 kids, a husband and a big fat dog who has no idea his job is to guard the house.
Got another letter from my sister. She must have been paying attention all along, as she sounds like a "normal" person, oddly in the most not normal place she could be, but if that is what it takes....Just barely got Julie's Obituary to her, haven't had a chance to tell her about Corey. She was telling me how she takes trips to have something in her throat....thyroid......now not sure which, anyway she said she has also applied to train dogs for Vets companions. (which is great, I posted something similar on here a while back) She said "I am a little worried I will be gone to the doctor when they come for the interviews for that job." She then said "certainly God wouldn't do that to me would he?" I wished I had better news for her. I wish I had perfect testimony to tell her that he wouldn't let that happen, or had anything to do with it, or noticed at all. I did notice that was twice, last letter she asked me to pray for her. I had Tonni tell me the other day when I was losing it "mom God wouldn't do that to you it is, and she pointed down". I started to go off on a rant that if there was a god and he was so almighty he WOULD do something to intervene....I stopped myself and told her thank you for correcting me, for sticking up for what she believes in, and that sometimes I am not the one who should be influencing my kidsAnd 7 hours later I wake up on the couch. Find my PC about ready to reboot itself for whatever reason and almost lost another train of thought. If I only had all the ramblings that were lost, accidentally deleted, stuck in a burned out hard drive, etc. I could probably write a book. At least I could fill in the gaps to one blog and have it make sense to anyone! I still need to figure out how to creatively insert facial expressions and some sort of emoticon to express the varying moods and my sense of humor as well.
It is Thanksgiving. Need to shower and accomplish something today. Supposed to go to the in laws to eat. My kids are on the 4th or 5th day of "the last chance to clean their room". I think it has actually been going on since they were born. 3 girls, one room, 3 huge dressers and they can't seem to get their crap off the floor and their clothes in the dressers. However they can cause general unrest in a whole family and manage to get out of completely finishing because we eventually have to leave the house for something.
Off to get ready and try to figure out why my font here is increasing with each paragraph. It is giving me anxiety and making me feel like this should have all been gradually escalating to something Big and Exciting!! But I have nothing. Well, nothing good anyway. It was inspiring me to start to add pictures. Not of me of course. As I type this my hands are going numb from either carpal tunnel or poor circulation. I could obviously go on forever and life still goes on with 4 kids, a husband and a big fat dog who has no idea his job is to guard the house.
News for the week and from his brothers' page on FB
At 6:30 pm Arizona time Today November 23, 2015 My brother Corey Passed Away for cancer complications. Corey Plummer.He had been a friend since about 9th grade, I am 46 now, haven't done the math but I do know outliving anyone I know is never easy. More on that later. Of to shower and try to look presentable for turkey day with the in-laws. Finding out I was part Nez Perce indian when I was 32 has changed my view a little but just make light of most of it. For Now...
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
My New Mantra
Well my page long post that I intended to put here was wiped out. Someday I will reach a point where this blog has a direction, possibly a purpose, or just make sense to someone who doesn't know me well. That is my hope anyway. To share something with someone that makes a difference in their life. To reach out and find those kindred souls out there that I have been blessed to find that just "get each other". Can finish each others sentences and not judge and just smile and nod as we hold on to each other as long as we can.
My post from facebook today. The mantra in blue. That's me.
I had a long winded post. The continuous blue screen on my pc ate it. Probably for the best. Have been blessed for a week with my friend Robbie McCunn presence helping us refinish a table from Tony's parents. Had a visit from friends of my dad and his wife. The next day received a letter from my sister. The next two nights I had my oldest daughter which rarely happens. So have been a bit emotional but trying to keep it at a non-bipolar leve. Just realized that I am probably not clinically depressed or bipolar just have had a life full of events that would make anyone that way. Was going to say more synchronicity but as I read I guess we're going to add Nature Based to it. Always looking for answers, trying to serve a purpose and save someone from any particular hell I have endured for otherwise it was for nothing and that would suck. heart emoticon
Friday, September 18, 2015
The Road to Hell is Literally Paved with My Good Intentions. I Continue to Keep it Well Maintained and Upgraded, Yet I Can't Use it.....
I continue to risk looking like a fool and of course setting myself up for failure. I am out of ideas and resources. At the same time I have recently began to understand my (for lack of a better source to credit) god given gift and become more confident in myself and the decisions I make and my effect on other humans.
You would almost think by that statement that I am someone "important" or that I have decided I am. My world is so small in comparison to some. My good deeds could probably not fill a small bucket. The number of people I encounter in a usual day is probably insignificant on a scale. To me though, it is everything, and all I have the opportunity to do. I take care in my words, my actions are rarely without thought when others are involved. I try to avoid being selfish or unfair at all costs. I am no saint. I could easily list deeds that would leave some wondering how I call myself honest, loyal, or trustworthy. I have attempted to make amends for each wrong doing. I will gladly look at my part in any situation and tend to blame myself first and usually let anyone else off without confrontation as my actions could have easily caused the negative reaction of another.
It is late and there is so much more to say. Below is a 2nd request sent to the church of a friend from high schools' church for help with getting my vehicles running. I am the unfortunate intelligent adult that has become reliant on cigarettes. Payday isn't for a few more hours and I am out of them. So I will attempt to sleep for a few more hours and will have to finish this later. Always hopeful that when I awaken the words will still flow from me or through me and I will get to make sense of it all before my time is up (eminent demise). If I could find enough testimony to warrant trusting a higher power and living on faith I would ask to have the addiction removed and I could blessed with freedom from that interruption. I would love to testify. On anything to do with miracles, blessings and god. I am stuck here though and only seem to testify in a court of law. Which is another day, another post, another "ride on the crazy train" that still remains derailed.
This is the second request for assistance:
I sent a request to be considered for assistance about a week ago. A friend from high school (we're in our 40's now) thought you all might be able to help and I have run out of other options or I wouldn't be so forward as to ask. I grew up in Ahwatukee and would have come in person but transportation is the issue. I wanted to find out if requests from outside people are even responded to? Both of my vans are at the mechanic now. The first will cost $800 to get it on the road, w/air conditioning. The second is being estimated now. I will have $500 next week. i can then also afford to get tags and insure it. My whole story is so long and detailed that sit here tonight in tears trying to determine what to say in few words that will inspire someone to pray on my request, and although out of the ordinary from the usual way things are handled, find the confirmation that they need to see that without outside (from my current circle or family circle) help i will continue to lose a few battles. For as long as I can remember, literally each time I prepare to accomplish necessary groundwork to return my oldest child to me, restore my legal standing to acceptable to pass a back ground/fingerprint card, and to complete the adoption of my middle children-twins age 8, by my husband and the only father they will ever know, and lastly to be able to travel out of state to address the murder of my bio father and his wife. I have overcome so much in this life and continue to hope and try. My church is not willing to help as my in laws are ministers of the church and continue to have custody of my oldest child, who will be 14 in Oct., whom should have been returned to my custody 9 years ago. I have to stop there and hope and pray that I was lead here for a reason and someone will know my heart and that the only way this story can go from potential loss of my children or some harm coming to them to a beautiful story of miracles, blessings, and one persons incredible ability to overcome and years of paying it forward returning to save a family. My worst fear in reaching out is that I have a step dad in the valley somewhere who, after being reported to the police (literally just realized the date) 20 years ago, is still here someone hopefully unaware that I have children at all. My twins father is in prison and the best I can hope for is he is never released. I am in contact with my dad's circle of friends who are not all far from suspicion as well. With a little help I can keep my family safe, get on track to ensuring that, and restoring my position (for lack of a better term) in life to match what those close to me know in faith and on paper needs to be restored.
Thank you for your time. Your possible consideration. Sorry for the repeated request, I have a hard time restating the last 20 years of almost unbelievable "unfortunate events" and therefore have not asked anyone for help. No one person I know has the resources to help with this and I can only hope to try again next year for a tax return to cover costs. Last year the whole return was used to buy van #2 which left us behind on rent as well. Thank you and bless you for your taking the time for me and my request to day.
I have always hoped for a "normal drama free life". Whatever it means. How simple that it could truly be attained with a few thousand dollars and a vehicle that would run for little while without needing repair or maintenance or at least the cost of it.
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
When You Finally Realize and Accept the Gifts You Are Given, Yet Still Wonder What Exactly to do With Them and Who Gave Them to You........
POST TO MY FRIEND DIANNE THIS MORNING ON FACEBOOK OF COURSE. SUFFERING FROM PANIC ATTACKS IT SEEMS. OF COURSE MY KEYBOARD DIED THE OTHER DAY WHEN SHE ORIGINALLY ASKED FOR HELP (WITH WHAT SEEMED TO BE) PANIC ATTACKS (ANYWAY).
I tried to post to you the other day but my keyboard was fried. As to the panic attacks. The usual medical answer is a small dose of xanax. The best help I can offer is to call me anytime it happens. Doesn't matter where or when just call, I am very good at talking people down from this (comes from needing someone to do it for me). Or talk to anyone who is familiar and will talk to you "low, and slow and tell you you are ok". PTSD and panic attack advice is, if you are alone, find a focus point--your purse, a picture, your shoe and focus your eyes on it only and "self talk" out loud or in your head the details of the item while trying to slow your breathing. Until the feeling passes. Our miss Brutal Julie Lovelace-Ochoa used to help talk me down from these "episodes" when I was alone in the world and my over thinking brain, or unfamiliar surroundings and horrible people would get me "going". Can be caused by lack of sleep, too much stress, and figuring out I didn't have to have been through a war to have PTSD helped me work out the issues. Counseling helped. Medication helped. Having people around me who knew what was going on helped. Something as unobvious as a smell can trigger it or a place or a person. Being a strong, independent, caring female comes with it's share of shit you have no control over--like your brain and your heart just not being able to handle anymore stress for a while. I always wondered how anyone would know when enough was enough and couldn't take anymore--panic attacks are one way your body will just show you. They can feel like a heart attack, or even asthma attack, and what it does to your mind probably varies--for me it felt like (for lack of a better description) my brain was running about 10 miles ahead of my head and my vision would turn into a tunnel trying to catch it. I'm serious about calling me if you just need someone familiar to empty your head to or tell you reassuring things to calm you down. Get lots of rest. I had to start turning off my phone, the TV, anything that kept my brain an heart stimulated by outside things or bringing up memories. I posted this on your wall feeling like it was one of those times that someone else out there may need to hear(read) this too. I am always willing to listen or will help in anyway I can when anyone is going through this. I can't offer much help any other way these days, so I would love to hear from you and find my best asset is doing anything I can to save someone from anything I have had to endure even once. At least I served a purpose and am so senile anything you need to share or say is easily unloaded and forgotten. Laughing now, when i went thru the worst of these things I had only Elmer for support....I had said I was afraid I was crazy and lost my mind. His advice was "hey stupid if you were crazy you wouldn't know it". Just having someone say something so "abrupt and to the point" helped me to regain my will to fight it.
Prior to this, I was on the phone with another long time friend Jennifer, called me after I posted on her facebook last night. Her page was odd looking when I was inspired to go to it. I noticed (feeling like a stalker myself but rolling with it) that she had followers on her timeline. Thought it was odd she would even allow it and especially one of the names. Left her a hello, sent her a PM asking what was going on, and hoped she wouldn't think I was nuts or just nosey. She burst into tears on the phone. I have had this effect on people all of my life. I am today, grateful for the gift of knowing when something is wrong with someone and delivering some kind of message that might help. She will be deleting, blocking and removing those "followers" from her facebook page and God or Buddha or whom or what-ever willing she will be fine. I wasn't thrilled at scaring her, but we have been friends long enough that she was able to calm down, tell me she was glad I said something and I will keep doing what I do and saying what no one wants to hear because I know and will remain confident that nothing would dare come through me trying to hurt anyone.
My oddest fear today is that the realization of my gift and/or the confidence in myself will be short lived and it means that my life is coming to an end. I have had a couple of occasions where the "episodes" I have when someone is passing away came over me and at the end I was left with thinking the person was me. No one I know of was dieing or dead. One time I was given the words that I was next on my heart. Nothing.....then Julie died, then Natalie. I had a mild heart attack a few months ago and am not in the best health but am still here. I am unsure of anyone gaining this and living to tell about it. Will probably be inspired to start probing the minds of people---then stopping myself thinking good luck finding anyone who knows they are going to die and can talk about what they think or how they feel and before it is time to go.......
Monday, September 14, 2015
Most Positive Day In Months.......Had forgotten how good felt
So rarely happens, didn't want to
forget to post it,
So a few weeks back I was job
scared, freaking out, kids were not helping any and either was my husband.
Out of a list of 75 work at home
agents my stats listed me as ranked 74.
This week due to changes, work at
home agents have to bid for shifts. If you were in the top 15 you only had to
pick 3 shifts and wait for the pick. Anyone under that had to bid for 15
different shifts and be prepared to work any of them in a week. I, being
unaware of the shift bid due to days off, was extremely ecstatic to find the
new list for the month of our rank, in my email---guess where I was--50th??
nope, 35th?? nope. Hell-20th nope. 14th!!!! 60 positions up. 60!!!! Up until
last week I was still on notice that one failed call, one excuse for not being
up to par and I was history.
Then I heard about shift bid, at
the last minute my coach finally answered me as to why on the bid for available
shifts my name was up top with about 12 other people, who had "special
schedules" due to kids, hours, etc (mine was because 3 years ago when I
went back to work I was unable to work more than 4 hours without having a
nervous breakdown).
I get to keep my schedule, didn't
have to bid, keep my benefits which take about 1/3 of my pay instead of
3/4(still really high co-pay but oh well) and moved my butt up from 74 and out
of a job to 14 and not scared of getting a schedule i can't work.
Thanks to my friends at work, you
all here(facebook), my kids and my husband. I already know exactly where I
would be without you and I picked my butt up then too. (this just reminded me
that today, oddly, I ended up telling a lady the "identity theft and
mismatched fingerprint card and ten years to fix it" story----the 2 min.
version that prompted her to stop feeling sorry for herself!)
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Facebook Can't Take Too Many More of These. Time to Quit Being a Chicken Shit and Post a Blog Already.
Well finally progress. Well in my strange little world anyway.
Sitting at computer, legs and feet swelling each minute. Kids in
the backyard attempting to clean 3 months of dog doo that is supposed to be
done at least every other day--not month. Mostly arguing and doing and saying
anything to get out of it. Daddy getting fed up and me starting to freak out on
new neighbors and how scary we both sound when yell to be heard and hell out of
sheer frustration. I did "my thing" to come up with money for bills
and to fix the vans and was about to just sit here and get upset.
New change for the day. Got up and got all the things
I had managed to gather for such an occasion over the months. Threw some
slippers on (previously accidentally figured out they help my creepy crippled
feet when worn wet for a while and keep stickers out). and I hand washed the “felonywaitingtohappenmobile" (just remembered I need to swap the wiper blades). I wiped down the inside cleaned out the crap while listening to a neighbor practicing drums. Met the new lady next door; before she could form a horrible opinion by our volume. Waved hi to the neighbor Tony accidentally road raged on the way to open house at school and he said hi!
Also managed to work on the toy box; with the warped bottom. Pulled
it off, rewet it, and put plastic tubs on it to dry. Now sitting at my desk
mopping the floor under it with my new "multi-tasking" slippers (patent
pending--ha) (those dry ones for dusting just seemed to dusty). Writing this
while Tony takes kids to church (tried to pull a kid drama fit and make me do
it--flat out told him no and they were all going cause I don't deserve to be
punished.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube video on how to tint home windows
since our backdoor is a half assed mess right now. Bonus was I watched the one
on how to do car windows (still need to watch the one for back windows - no
guys from Germany the tint doesn't go on the outside and it isn't that fast
when you are tinting a yugo. Even I'm not that gullible. So I am thinking about
finishing the mop job on the floor on my way to the box of tint the last
tenants left behind and to redoing the back door and working on doing the car
so at least it is clean and no so embarrassing to drive. Tint is pretty dark,
might draw attention but hell the tags (that I managed not to look at the whole
time)are at least 1-2 years out of date and I'm still here. Knock on wood.
That is my story. Should shed some light on why I have been a
nutcase I NEED A VEHICLE THAT CAN MAKE IT 5 MILES SO I CAN GET THINGS DONE.
Also to get away from this family long enough that they can use some of what I
have been yelling since they were small and fend for themselves some cause we
have somehow enable ourselves into a dysfunctional group of "I'M NOT DOING
IT IF YOU'RE NOT, I'm not doing it at all, I’m going to do nothing and when I
do I won't do enough to be appreciated or thanked" mess instead of the
well oiled machine we should be.
Thank you for listening while I screamed, yelled, cried and did
everything possible not to succumb to being trapped in the house, fat and
useless. Still have to get the money to fix the cars, but a little more
inspired. I have been "working" on my dad's case, or bringing
attention to it, I have been trying to get the vans fixed, need to get kids to
dentist and me to doctor. I need to get to CA as well and MO after...
Wish there was someone content with sitting on their butt that
would will me their vehicle so I could get busy running circles around someone.
This is a waste of life. Fighting it until they turn me to ashes.
Thank you to my wonderful friend for inspiring me, taking the
time to talk to me, helping me with some information and material (I think) to
get my life a little more in order. Thanks to my husband for keeping a job, no
matter what, and although you are a pain in the ass at least you chose the high
road and are trying to achieve a 'normal' life for our kids.
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
This is the letter I just wrote to the detective now assigned to my dad and his wife's murder cold case. I sometimes think of just having myself commited. I wish there were someone out there or some way of figuring out what I know (when people die) and what I am supposed to do or what I am capable of doing with this "gift" (curse up til now). It is maddening sometimes. Try to understand, again, that I never proofread; never have or else I probably would never finish anything I wrote or would never send it. Most of the time I don't ever send what I write out of fear of sounding nuts, realizing that I am nuts, or basically someone just using to prove I am nuts even though I am not. Sad when your hum drum life has actually come to a point at any time where that I had to worry about someone lying about me and fearing being commited or jailed. what the hell......
Just checking in. Time ends up going by so quickly. I would just like to ask that no more opportunities for outside help go wasted. You all have done what you can. Many men have gone on to bigger things and have been promoted, which is great, but I still need to know who did this and see justice served. My father was no saint. However whomever did this needs to be brought down, as last I knew no one on this earth has a right to take another life. Over money is also just sad.
My first real contact regarding this case was actually with one of the psychics who was on that challenge. That in itself leaves me skeptical that I will ever receive straight answers from anyone. I have grown tired of being polite and trying not to ruffle feathers. I had a mild heart attack a couple of months ago, and more recently almost lost one of my legs, it is time to move on this if a suspect is even still living.
Please consider the outside resources, there are psychic shows, detective shows, but they need to be approached by your department. I also have a lady from the websleuth's site who has taken an interest in this case and has been just working on looking at the connections between my dads group of friends and Joni and friends and family. It might behoove someone to look at her "work".
I know at least some time was wasted looking at me a suspect. which is laughable considering my sister had used my identity and I lost everything and could barely find shelter much less hire a hitman. However I will say, which I have not bothered before, that I was frantically calling my dad, probably while he was being murdered. I have, in hindsight, and over the years realized when someone I love is suffering or dying I have the displeasure of physically feeling them leaving this earth and go thru some strange physical, mental, verbal (lacking the ability to describe still) series of events that (at the time it Is happening) seem crazy. Luckily my husband has been present during these episodes since long before we knew what they were.
Anyway, I have never tried to improve on these "skills" mostly out of fear that if I was able to know more about events surrounding these deaths, I would not be taken seriously or I would be considered suspect. You probably think this is all nuts, but I imagine if I am writing it, it may become relevant. I don't spend a lot of time talking if it isn't important. Early learned skill when talking to men and "important" people or people who's attention you want to keep.
Please, I beg you to consider other options, not to let another option go wasted (psychic who was going to look at the case at no charge and spotlight in a movie, and only needed to be in the presence of something that was at the scene when they died----IE: you still have the vehicle right?)
My motivation here is find who did this. To find any and all "things" that were my fathers that he worked for, earned, I don't care at this point if he stole them since he did pay with his life. I don't care if all that is left is his drivers license, I want it returned to me and my family. I spent my whole life trying to be enough to be in his life and that was taken from me and my children. Joni has no legacy left and her belongings if only a drivers license don't belong in a cardboard box on a shelf. Period.
I will end now as I don't even know where all of this is coming from--in the last 10 years I have lost more loved one's than I care to think of. So this is emotionally draining and I risk sounding like a head case. Which I have fought for years. The stress of this and so many other things has all but had me close to being committed before. I just want it closed. I would love to look someone in the eyes and be sure that they know they had no right to take a life or two or hell 3 considering the damn dog never did anything to anyone.
BTW--the psychic said Joni was receiving phone calls "at night and no matter how much she medicated herself the calls were so disturbing she couldn't sleep". Doesn't anyone know who those calls came from? Or even what she was talking about? Wouldn't that be enough to bring someone in for questioning? Has anyone ever been brought in for questioning? Stop worrying about ruffling rich feathers and start breaking these people down for what they know. I can do it piece by piece, person by person, 1 question at a time, but they are getting old, forgetting details and losing faith.
thanks
tami tillman
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
If only I were capable of one word replies. One sentence would even be great.
If only I were capable of one word
replies. One sentence would even be
great.
The blog thing never quite takes off. If I answer emails, talk to people in person
or on the phone, or post on Facebook I am generally left unable to muster the
energy to sum it all up in a witty synopsis for a blog. However I will keep trying. If nothing else, the quest to be well spoken,
get my point across in few words, will be trying to be achieved. I still may say something that inspires
someone else who may have gone through life uninspired. I can hope that I have something to say that
matters, that makes a change in the world as it is now and who knows maybe
someday something I said will be quoted by scholars or preserved forever in a Facebook
meme. Shooting for scholarly: as I have always had a deep disdain for the
word meme. Lol.
Today my replies to Facebook private messages
were the forum for all the energy I had and thoughts and events of the day. In reply to my conversation with my
step-sister with regard to her maternal uncle in prison and our mutual hate of
sicko’s in general. Emails and posts
have been edited to protect the innocent and spell checked and formatted
correctly so they can be read and not judged laziness when talking in writing.
lol.
This all had more meaning and seemed relevant this morning. Day full of AAA, 1 van finally towed to see about repair, pick up glasses, pay bills, fight with kids. Copying forgotten homework. Signing up for band etc. And finally listening to my usually gruff, grouchy, husband say "i know right?" to everything I say while wearing his new goofy glasses and playing on facebook.
Thank god. i met
the lady who runs the websleuths site. It is cases that go unsolved or support
for various victims. Though work. a mom had asked for letters to the parole
board for her ex husband who only ended up with a 9 year out of 50 year
sentence and they have let him go before the board for the last 3 years and
will again until the 9th year when i guess they have no choice but to let him
go. i decided to write a letter for her. I have coped for so many years under a
brave face but as the years go on and my girls get bigger i am constantly hit
with some epiphany or realization and thank god only few memories that inspire
me to do something for someone. Writing that letter was hard as it was truly a
realization as what is truly stolen from a child. i don't care who you are or
what you have experienced but no one should ever minimize how horrible this
crime is and how the ones who commit it are truly soul-less, heartless,
criminals capable of anything since they convince themselves they have done no
wrong. i hope they all die. Their very existence makes it hard to believe there
is a GOD or if there is one what the hell his motivation is. Love you lots and
lots. 8/19/2015 12:32pm.
Then the ones to my good friend
He never made it out of the
house. He kept trying to call and duke wouldn't answer. In the interim my leg
has started "leaking", I almost lost my job, had a blow out that i
guess ended well with Tawni and now just trying to stay alive. I made bread and
muffins just before work and intended to bring it to you and they ended up
burnt and then I got put on blast at work. Still have the Wen for you and think
of you every time I look at it. Tony has been working days and it is too hot to
drive the damn car. I don't think duke has even called tony back since then,
now that i think about it, i ended up talking to you first. Tony dragged it
around a while and i apologize for not coming over with it sooner I just barely
get out of my chair. My computer blue screened twice now. Last time black
screen, still not sure how i got it back up but managed too. btw do you have a
doctor or know a doctor that is 'hip" to thyroid issues, or circulation
problems, or god only knows what? i don't even know where to start. Should
probably just go to the ER first but I am so gross I won’t go anywhere. Told tony female
exams are out I even close my eyes in the shower, no one else is going to look
at this crap either. Lol won't go anywhere. Told tony female exams are out i even close
my eyes in the shower, no one else is going to look at this crap either. Lol
8/16, 9:15am Tami Tillman
Don't make me
just show up and bang on your door screaming how you don't love me anymore. You
know I will.......heart emoticon
8/16, 4:47pm Marce XXXXX
Yea, I know. A lot going on. We
found out my brother has cancer. A couple friends died, my wobbly cat's, cat
died after a $400.00 trip to the vet. I've been kinda looking for a car but
can't get Duke off his girlfriend long enough to look at any of them. My friend
that Duke hates found a girlfriend so I won't see him for the next few years
and he's about the only one that knows me. I've been arguing with my sister. I
want to move because I hate this fucking ghetto apartment but don't know about
my sister living with me again, if I move, yet I really can't afford to get an
apt by myself and it's fucking hotter than hell. I can keep going but I won't.
So, how are you, Tony and the little ones? And you better go to the fucking
Doctor! Do you have high blood pressure, diabetes? That would cause swelling.
8/16/2015, 4:48pm Marce XXXXX
Oh and I sleep 75% of the day
away because it is so fucking miserable!
08/19/2015
11:42am Tami Tillman
I love you. You can tell me
anything. You can come here anytime. the kids have pc's in the living room so
you could come hang out and do stuff there late at night because we have
"insomnia" I just had one of the vans towed to see how much to fix it
so I don't have to be at the mercy of Tony's work truck I will get there. i
know i have high blood pressure at least. It is probably mostly from the IUD
getting fat and sitting at this desk all day. i hit my right leg and it split
open it is finally getting a scab and healing. It’s gross being old period.
Then the one to my dead friends’ husband
08/19/2015 11:32am
About the same. Trying not to lose my right leg. Shooting for that hollow
leg everyone kids about. Trying to get my vans on the road so i can go get my
rights restored and go to court to get my oldest kid back before she ends up
pregnant at 15 or worse living with those fucktards we call their grandparents.
think of Jules all the time when I am going thru this shit as she was always
there to listen as some crazy shit would happen like a failing UA's for drugs I
never did or sitting in jail for warrants that weren't mine. Remembered the
other day, holding her hand at the funeral and worrying i had just knocked her
casket over. Lol. Any you and the tweek.she always had a story worse than mine
or a duck story to tell me, crazy neighbor or whatever to make me laugh.
Then the one with my step sisters’ uncle
8/17, 8:30pm
Winston xxxxxxxx
Don't see any FB post anymore from U did U break ur fingers???
8/19/2015 11:53am Tami Tillman
You are sweet. I think of you while i am playing my games i will see you
post something and it pops up as a notice in my bottom screen. Was going to say
I don’t' see you on the feed then realized I haven't been on here much. I got
very sick, and also a good friend who died had a husband who was I thought a
friend then took a verbal stab at me when he decided to be not so 'less than
honorable" to her memory. So I shied away from answering posts. My emails
each have about 600 to return from 4 boxes. i almost lost my job, so I
refocused and had to put my all into that. No one could really help so no use
posting really. AREN'T YOU GLAD you asked lol. I am a handful for sure. Think
of you all often and would love to get out of az and come see D and meeting the
rest of the family some day
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
I Often Wonder if My Thoughts are Similar to Others or So Far Out There That I'm Alone.
As I stood in the bathroom unwrapping a new package of "surgical dressing" to cover my "leg wound", I realized (quietly in my head to myself) "these are just glorified maxi pads". Like you would purchase on the feminine isle for the same price but those boxes come with 5 times more.
Then before I can even turn and leave the bathroom, "the voice" in my head comes up with "wow, good Christians pride themselves on not being driven by things or letting them control their lives but supposedly being led by God. The same thought leads to a hummm moment thinking how many people in my grandma's generation or earlier probably used the same piece of cloth or material for a billion different things without fancy packaging, marketing, all of the price differences and literal BS that goes with, lets call it "progress". Truly seeming that all humans, intentionally or not, thanks to technology, truly are slaves to their "stuff". We have come all of this way to take what worked fine for so many things, like a maxi pad, and revamp it so many times over that we can't decide half the time which one to pick.
This whole thought process now has to be summarized as the call came for me to pick up our kids from school as the husband can't be back in time to do so in his legal, air conditioned work truck. I have to now in the unregistered, uninsured, dirty, old car with rare bursts of semi hot air.
Anyway, in closing, I had to wonder what people would be doing if that hadn't worked and learned and designed all new things, ways to use them and re-market them to themselves at ridiculous prices and spending more on packaging and advertising than they do on quality.
Luckily the neighbor interrupted to bring me some bread she had too much of and chat a minute. I went to the back yard to pick up a few things and get food from the freezer. No more time to ponder the possibilities of the universe and it's creation and progress vs failure and the bigger question......was there a "God"? What are his "standards" for us? When did he, or what event caused Him to stop caring what happened to us? What happened to miracles and blessings and why does it seem the only real one's are seen by people who notice the smallest of things or actions or reactions to things because they are so desperate to find anything positive to hang on to. The rest of the world just seems to go day in and day out doing what they do and living like no one is watching or cares.
Better head out or I will have to drive around the school 100 times to get at those kids.
Will ponder the husband thing on my way I suppose. Married him with the understanding that I didn't want to have to beg anyone to hang out with me and I wouldn't stand for someone lying to me. At this point I am realizing that he didn't so much love me as he didn't want anyone else to. He doesn't want to do anything ever and seems to slow me down more than anything anymore. Like the last tickets in the other van that ruined my 7 year streak of perfect driving record. It actually would have been 10 now that i think about it.
Then before I can even turn and leave the bathroom, "the voice" in my head comes up with "wow, good Christians pride themselves on not being driven by things or letting them control their lives but supposedly being led by God. The same thought leads to a hummm moment thinking how many people in my grandma's generation or earlier probably used the same piece of cloth or material for a billion different things without fancy packaging, marketing, all of the price differences and literal BS that goes with, lets call it "progress". Truly seeming that all humans, intentionally or not, thanks to technology, truly are slaves to their "stuff". We have come all of this way to take what worked fine for so many things, like a maxi pad, and revamp it so many times over that we can't decide half the time which one to pick.
This whole thought process now has to be summarized as the call came for me to pick up our kids from school as the husband can't be back in time to do so in his legal, air conditioned work truck. I have to now in the unregistered, uninsured, dirty, old car with rare bursts of semi hot air.
Anyway, in closing, I had to wonder what people would be doing if that hadn't worked and learned and designed all new things, ways to use them and re-market them to themselves at ridiculous prices and spending more on packaging and advertising than they do on quality.
Luckily the neighbor interrupted to bring me some bread she had too much of and chat a minute. I went to the back yard to pick up a few things and get food from the freezer. No more time to ponder the possibilities of the universe and it's creation and progress vs failure and the bigger question......was there a "God"? What are his "standards" for us? When did he, or what event caused Him to stop caring what happened to us? What happened to miracles and blessings and why does it seem the only real one's are seen by people who notice the smallest of things or actions or reactions to things because they are so desperate to find anything positive to hang on to. The rest of the world just seems to go day in and day out doing what they do and living like no one is watching or cares.
Better head out or I will have to drive around the school 100 times to get at those kids.
Will ponder the husband thing on my way I suppose. Married him with the understanding that I didn't want to have to beg anyone to hang out with me and I wouldn't stand for someone lying to me. At this point I am realizing that he didn't so much love me as he didn't want anyone else to. He doesn't want to do anything ever and seems to slow me down more than anything anymore. Like the last tickets in the other van that ruined my 7 year streak of perfect driving record. It actually would have been 10 now that i think about it.
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
A Letter to My Peanut.........
My oldest child is Tawni. She will be 14 in October. She went to live with her paternal grandparents for a temporary 2-4 weeks on Aug. 13, 2004. For a moment I thought it was today. Today would have been about the day that we had to have everything out of my apartment. I was driving a rental car as I had been hit by a drunk driver in my paid off Daewoo I had purchased with my inheritance from my murder father. I had managed to keep her alive through kidney re-connection surgery, being hit in my convertible by someone talking on their cell phone while I was pregnant and lord knows how many other things. I couldn't however keep her from putting a leash on the dog, climbing on top of a chair and letting themselves out the door of the hotel to look for her daddy who had driven to Phoenix.
This is the text I sent her tonight. Tried to save it until the morning so she wouldn't think I was nuts sending it so late, but failed. It started out a 3 sentence text. I had to insist on going in to proofread. I know now why I have never done that and just hoped for the best on the first try for everything. The subject warned her to read this on a PC since half the feeling would surely be lost trying to read it on an ipod or phone. I am still hoping that any of this inspires love and understanding and forgiveness and doesn't send her running from me or some alternative. Tony's mom send another package of lemon cookies tonight. That is what started this, i teased him that his mommy was missing him, I hope she is and finally feels broken and admits some of what she has done. We are already losing Tony's dad, whom I used to love and respect, to the thinking that they have always been in the right to have kept her from us.To Tawni:
August 4, 2015 10:15pm
I love you---You should probably read this on a tablet or PC It's a novel--
FORGIVE ME IN ADVANCE. When I try to proof read I end up writing another page, so most of my writing will get a spell check and the rest just gets left so I don't write a book every time. After dinner and a conversation about switching your day from Saturday to Friday I knew I had better start writing this. I don't know where or how to start...but for a few weeks have known I needed to and for years have held my tongue. I guess this would be how. As you are nearing your 14th birthday and 10th year away from me I feel the need to tell you so many things but have never wanted to upset you. I am hysterically crying after now hearing so many things your dad has just told me. I guess he never wants to upset me. I yelled at him for not saying things I ask him to say to grandpa. Then find out he has but the replies would have infuriated me. I have had that effect on people all of my life it seems. They think they are protecting me from something. Turns out today I realize that they are just keeping me from doing and saying what is right. I honestly just realized how honest I am and I am tired of being the only one or being sorry for it. I could write you a book and just may later. You are probably sleeping or getting ready to so for now I will say the only reason anyone ever had a chance to separate us was my fear I wasn't a good enough mother or would fail you. Compiled by the fact that I was afraid of everything after my sister used my identity and I went to jail for it once. Then Grandma Mary got a restraining order on me before you were born and when your dad was at my house she would call the police and say I was at her house. I was arrested for that too even though your dad went to court with me and said I was with him. I became afraid there was not even a God or that He wouldn't save me from that hell. That and liars, manipulators and people who are no better parent than I am. I made every choice possible to keep you safe and I could not tell you any of this until now out of fear of leaving you feeling afraid or confused. If you ever feel ready to hear it all I will sit down and try to tell you. Otherwise I will slowly piece by piece enlighten you.
I am grateful you had a safe place to go. Just know that every minute after 2 weeks became a living hell to include being drugged, sitting in jail, waiting at visits to see you and you never being brought there, watching as gifts were never given to you and things and people being manipulated so you would think we were horrible. That in itself is a horrible thing for parents to do to their own child and his wife who were doing everything they were told to to be able to have a life with you again. I love you and am told I see things thru God's eyes; He also speaks thru me as my heart wants him to. I am also blessed with being honest and telling the truth all the time not only when it suits my needs. I need you to know that I love you and the big wall that was built to keep me sane and calm when it comes to you is coming down.
I want you to have every chance in life and have always been able to make sure you had everything you needed and wanted I just needed to own that. I miss you and would give the world to go back and have just grabbed you and ran. It didn't seem smart. I am now blessed with Robbie, whose life tells me I could have, and won't do it now but am here and need you to know much you mean to me.
I guess grandpa said "she is at the age when she doesn't have to see you anymore." The fact that the sentence wasn't "she is at the age where she could decided to come live with you" tells me It is time to start telling it like it is and was and letting you know that every time it was time to petition the court for you to be with me or us someone would lie, start upsetting you and even having you lie. Why? idk. But I am sure at the time they didn't factor in 4 small lives would be being affected by the whole dirty mess.
I love you lots and lots. I have lived thru hell and made it back by being honest and with God or whoever created us all behind me. I am not going to give up without a fight and everyone has had the chance to clear their consciences and tell the truth. They have all chosen not to. So in the spirit of keeping you safe, happy and making sure you miss no opportunity and no harm comes to you I will be telling it like it is. I will find out truths that no one wanted me to and I will be telling them. I don't know where everyone will fall, even your dad, but I know I will be there and I will admit anything I have ever done wrong and try to make amends for it or at least be sorry for my part. I won't be party to you being subjected to living a lie, or growing up thinking it is ok to lie. I wanted so many times to just scream out when someone was lying or manipulating things but I risked looking unstable, upsetting you when it would have not made any sense and fear of being jailed and unable to be close enough to watch over you.
There are actually plenty of people who may not be in the best places in their lives, but I do have witnesses to most of this mess who have been willing and ready to tell you any part of the hell I have endured. Most have moved away still tell you any chance they get what is the truth. Let me know at any time and I will put you in touch with them. Including my mother, who doesn't really like me, but knows I am honest and what has happened. That whole story is one I hoped to never share with you kids, but I will if it helps you know me and my love for you. YOUR MOTHER. I love you.
Thursday, July 30, 2015
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